Harsh Realities

[Alice Calder]

[ tagged for Nathaniel Starke ]

Four days. It had been four days since her encounter with Audra and Alice hadn’t slept much since. It didn’t help that she seemed to feel even lonelier than usual. Between that, her bursts of momentary panic, and knowing what she knew now, her mind just wouldn’t be silent enough to let her sleep. She had too many burning questions. She’d imagined what Nathaniel must have felt, what it must have done to him to be arrested for false rape accusations.

“Who said anything about me having a good reputation?”

Her chest heaved as she remembered him asking her that question. She’d thought it had just been part of their banter, but now she felt that there’d been some truth to his words. She swallowed hard against the tightness she felt in her throat, taking a few deep breaths, willing her body to numb. She’d just wanted to forget about Nathaniel, about the ball, all of it. But she hadn't been able to, and it was only worsened by Audra’s visit. Alice had tried reading books, stargazing, making herself impossibly busy, but nothing worked. Each time he came into her mind, he lingered there. She didn’t really want to forget about Nathaniel, she knew that. But, when you haven’t felt anything in so long, it was exhausting and overwhelming to feel everything at once.

She breathed against a sob, gritting her teeth, hands curling around her sheathed dagger, causing her knuckles to turn white. As she leaned with her elbows on the stone barrier of the balcony, anger rushed through her, only to be quickly washed away with confusion and desolation. Brown eyes looked to the sky. The sun hadn’t quite set, but the stars were already making their appearance against the darkening sky. How unpleasantly familiar this moment was..

No one had noticed anything was amiss. It was a relief to Alice, a testament to her resilience and resolve. But it also made her feel impossibly alone. Why? It was hard to say. She wouldn’t have told anyone anyway. Her battles were her own and she fought them alone. That’s the way it had to be. She wouldn’t trust anyone else. Or maybe she was incapable of trusting at all. It hardly mattered. It was all the same to her.

Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply, her grip on the dagger loosening. Her gaze fell to her dagger. She removed the blade from the sheath, catching her reflection against the silver and frowning. Her curls were nothing more than a mess and she looked.. Tired, sick even. She stared at herself for a moment before returning the blade to its sheath. She turned on her heel, stepping through the door that led into her bedroom. She threw on a pair of pants and a dark-grey shirt before pulling her small feet into her black leather boots. It wasn’t Alice’s favorite look, but she hardly cared about any of that right now.

She did what she could to make herself not look so visibly tired, but it was still painfully obvious on her face. She ran her fingers through her wavy hair before tossing it into a bun. Hooking her dagger to her belt, she quietly left the palace. There was only one person she could talk to.

Working at the palace had its perks. For instance, everyone knew someone who knew the person you were looking for. Plus, with the skills she’d obtained from her ‘double life’, it wasn’t hard to track down a Lieutenant in the army. So she walked, her pace slightly faster than what was normal for her until she reached the place she wanted to be. There, she’d stopped, staring at the door, debating if she really should approach. But then she remembered what Audra said and her heart began to sink again. That was all she needed to be standing at his door, letting her knuckles knock against it softly.

This was a bad idea. She wanted to turn away right then, just go back to the castle and forget she came. How insane was she about to look to him right now? ‘No.’ She shoved her doubts aside. It didn’t matter if he thought she was insane for showing up to his house - that she’d never been to - out of the blue. This was important.

[Nathaniel Starke]

In his mind, he did everything wrong. He shouldn’t have said certain things. He shouldn’t have looked at her the way he had. He should have complimented her more. Had he been too honest or blunt about things? Did he say the wrong things? Did he touch her too much? Did he kiss her the wrong way? All of the should-haves and the shouldn’t haves and the what did I do wrongs plagued his mind. And each day that went by that he didn’t see her again, the self-doubts and hatred of himself grew stronger. Of course, he didn’t blame Alice for any of it- it was all his fault. He couldn’t blame her for not wanting to see him again. And the longer time went by, the more he came to realize that she may have just been playing along with him. Of course, things went both ways- he could have made an attempt to seek her out, but he did not wish to come across as too strong, desperate, or assertive- especially since she had admitted to him that she was scared.

So Nathaniel gave her space, not knowing if he would ever see her again. He tried to convince himself that he would be alright with that. They had only just met and barely knew much about one another. It was for the best that Alice wasn’t interested in him. He wouldn’t have the added stress of trying to prove himself- of worrying about everything and the chance of him messing things up yet again, only to be left with disappointment and hurt. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take. And so it was best that those walls around him stayed up. Protect himself and never let anyone in. It’s who Nathaniel was and how his life was meant to be lived. He was a soldier first and foremost and that was what his life was made or. It was for the best.

Then why did everything feel worse to him than usual? Why did the very thought of his lonely life make him want to give up and rid himself of the suffering? Hadn’t he suffered long enough? What had he done wrong? The inner turmoil plagued him so badly. Outwardly, Nathaniel went on with his life as though nothing had ever happened. He woke early, went to train, went to visit his family and no one knew of the things running through his mind. He kept himself busy, trying to forget about himself or Alice, yet when she crossed his mind he felt both a twinge of happiness and sorrow mixed in the same thought. Somehow, he had let her in enough to allow her to make an impression and make him want her in his life. And each passing day without seeing her, made him only realize that he needed to build his walls up even higher and stronger.

The nights were the hardest for him. He lived alone in a Manor that was far too large for him. It was an inheritance thing. It gave him the privacy he needed from his family- a place to escape from everyone else. But the quietness often got to him and his mind became so loud. Not a single person knew of the things he did to himself during those hours when he was alone. No one would ever know or ever see the scars that were plastered all over his body because he hid them well. He was so horribly aware of it all and the last thing he wanted was for anyone to know or find out. They would make him stop… They would give him pity...think he was crazy--hell, maybe he was. It wasn’t normal or right, and although he recognized it, he couldn’t stop himself. He deserved to feel the pain for everything he had done wrong- for all the wrongs in his life- because he was nothing but a giant failure. He deserved it.

Nathaniel hadn’t slept a whole lot- then again he rarely did. His steward, Robert, had become a second father-figure to him. Mostly because he had grown up with the man at his family’s household. Robert had decided to follow Nathaniel when he moved out and inherited his grandfather’s home. Even he was clueless to the things Nathaniel did behind closed doors, figuring he was only sleeping. He never left any sort of evidence behind, nothing for Robert to have to clean up or find that was out of sorts. If anything, Robert would question Nathaniel about why he looked so tired and worn down, often lecturing him on taking a break and getting more rest. He always responded with 'I’ll be fine.'

That evening, Nathaniel had just returned from training and was outside working on what he could before he’d lose the daylight. Sure, he could have afforded servants to do things for him, but that’s not how he wanted to live his life. He didn’t want people around him doing things for him. Robert was the only exception, and he was mainly there to keep things in order and keep things running. Occasionally, there would be a housekeeper or two that would come in to clean, but that was typically when Nathaniel wasn’t around to know.
From a distance, the sound of wood being chopped echoed through the grounds, behind the house. It’s what Nathaniel kept himself busy with for the last hour or so. It was going to be a cold night and the woodpile was dwindling. He had become lost in his thoughts that he didn’t realize he had already chopped more than enough, yet he kept going.

After a brief moment, the door of Nathaniel’s manor opened and an older gentleman appeared from behind it with a warm and friendly smile. “Good evening, can I help you? Are you looking for Lord Starke?” When Alice confirmed, Robert nodded. “He is out back. Come on in.” He held the door open for Alice and led her through the house. “Would you like for me to go fetch him? Or I could just lead you out to him… I am not quite sure what he is up to...But he typically doesn’t like to be interrupted.” He chuckled slightly and led Alice through the house until he came to the back door. “I’m sure he’d make an exception for you, though, my lady…” He waited for her to state her name before he opened the door and called out, “My Lord… You have a visitor... Lady Calder.”

Nathaniel almost didn’t hear Robert’s call due to his even louder mind and the sound of his ax splitting through the wood. But when he caught something in the corner of his eye, the voice registered and he stopped what he was doing and glanced up, a slight look of annoyance on his face. Until he saw Alice. His heart leaped and caught in his throat and he nearly froze, carefully setting the ax down next to the tree stump and he began to roll his sleeves back down as if trying to make himself look more presentable when in reality, it was to hide. He ran a hand through his hair and forced an uneasy smile that eventually turned into that signature cocky smirk of his before he called out. “I was starting to think you weren’t interested or that you forgot about me already.”

He nodded to Robert and the man backed away going back inside. Nathaniel moved closer to Alice, wiping his hands on his pants. His shirt clung to his form from the sweat and he suddenly felt a bit embarrassed that he wasn’t as cleaned up as she had seen him the last couple of times. “I’m sorry--If I was expecting you, I would have cleaned myself up and dressed for the occasion.” Outwardly, he seemed unbothered and happy to see her. Inwardly, his heart was racing in his chest and he wasn’t sure what to feel. “How did you find me?” He looked at her curiously because he didn’t remember ever telling her where he lived.

[Alice Calder]

In the mere seconds it took for someone to open the door, Alice had already fought several wars within herself. This was important, but she wanted so badly to turn away and disappear into the approaching night. Her thoughts were so loud that she hadn’t registered the sound of an axe splitting wood against the quiet of the evening.

She hadn’t even thought of how she was going to handle bringing up the topic of Audra and what had been admitted to her, what she would say. Typically, she’d carefully consider and weigh her options. She’d be two steps ahead, treating her every action, reaction, decision, and her very life like a game of chess. She’d be poised, level-headed. But the dam that held back her anger, helped her maintain her resolve and composure, had crumbled into pieces the day of Audra’s visit. Alice had never spoken to anyone like that. Not even Darion. Part of her wanted to feel guilty, but then Audra’s admittance rang loud in her ears on repeat and she felt her blood boil all over again. She wondered if Audra had even the faintest of an idea of what her fate would have been if Alice were a lesser woman - if she had far less self-control.

It felt like an eternity that she stood there, feeling smaller and smaller next to the large house. Just like she’d been at the ball, she was excited and terrified, confused. However, the reason for her internal storms now were much different. This opened her perspective, changed it. The more she thought back to the ball, thought about some of the things he’d said, the more she could see more than one meaning behind his words. She almost blamed herself for being so painfully blind. But she also reminded herself she could have never imagined such a thing happening to Nathaniel, much less have known from their second interaction. The pang of sadness that suddenly washed over her was a welcome relief to the anger and everything else she felt. It was much more soothing, depressing as that may be.

She’d almost made up her mind to turn and leave when she heard the soft sound of footsteps behind the door. Her heart beat quickly and she held her breath in anticipation for whatever would happen when Nathaniel saw her standing there, but she soon felt surprise instead. For the second time in less than a week, a familiar face was not on the other side of the door. He was an older gentleman and he smiled as he greeted her, asking if she was looking for Lord Starke. Resisting the urge to chuckle, she nodded slowly. “Yes, is he in?” She finally managed a smile. He informed her that Nate would be out back as he let her inside. Alice waited until he walked ahead of her before she followed. Even then, she maintained a certain distance.

At the man’s question, Alice offered the most convincing smile she could against her anxiousness. He seemed to answer himself and Alice laughed under her breath. She listened to him continue as her eyes took in her surroundings. The house was large and deafeningly quiet compared to the constant shuffling within the palace. If there had not been someone speaking, it might have felt unnerving. “But he typically doesn’t like to be interrupted.” She felt her blood freeze. This was a bad idea, but it was too late to turn back now.

As they reached the door that led out to the back of the house, the man’s words trailed off and Alice looked to him, again offering the most convincing smile she could muster. “My apologies. Alice Calder.” She introduced herself with as much confidence as she could. He opened the door, calling to Nathan, Alice’s eyes finding him instantly. Even with his back turned to her, she felt more relaxed - safer. A mix of emotions that she’d been repressing began to stir and he hadn’t even looked at her yet.

She moved to step through the door, clasping her hands in front of her as she watched his axe come down a final time. She noticed the amount that surrounded where he chopped and almost pressed her lips in concern, but resisted. Absentmindedly, she pulled her sleeves further over her hands, her fingers fidgeting with the stitching. It seemed to take a moment for Nathaniel to realize they were here, but once he did, Alice caught her breath at his look of annoyance, her heart stopping for the briefest of a moment. That’s what she’d been expecting, honestly. How could he not be annoyed with her? After all they’d said at the ball, the way they’d kissed, she knew she couldn’t blame him for being upset that she hadn’t even tried to see him since. While he hadn’t tried to see her either, Alice hadn’t wanted him too. Or maybe she had. She didn’t know. She still couldn’t make up her mind on the matter.

She watched with a tinge of fear as he approached her, his expression changing to that same smirk she’d already become so familiar with. Again, she felt relief as she offered a small smile. He greeted her and she chuckled lightly. “Yeah, I tried, but..” She half-joked, forcing herself to sound more confident than she currently felt. She watched Nathaniel nod before she heard the soft click of the door behind them. They were alone together - again. Being alone with him is what had led them to this situation in the first place. Even so, as he wiped his hands, Alice’s eyes traveled over him. How did he make being sweaty and gross look so.. sexy. She could see the definition of every muscle beneath his soaked shirt and it suddenly made her remember the way his chest had felt under her hands. She quickly reminded herself that she wasn't here for that.

Her eyes didn’t return to his face until he spoke to her again and she smirked at him. “You’re apologizing to me again for things beyond your control.” She pointed out, though her tone was more teasing than serious. “Besides, I didn’t exactly show up putting my best foot forward.” She motioned her herself as she leaned back on her heel before planting her feet firmly again. With her tired eyes and plain clothes, she didn’t feel she looked any better than he did and she’d known she was showing up.

“How did you find me?” She tilted her head as she regarded him, softly chuckling. “I told you,” She began, shrugging her shoulders and she smirked. “With a little time, I can find out anything about you that I wish to.” She reminded him playfully. Then, more seriously. “I’m sorry to have dropped by all of a sudden and so late in the evening..” She said, dropping her gaze. “Perhaps also a little sorry for tracking you down like a bonafide psychopath, but..” She laughed, her gaze meeting his again as she hesitated. A soft sigh escaped her and looked at him with an uneasy expression. “There’s something I need to speak with you about..” It was clear by her body language and tone that she was bothered.

[Nathaniel Starke]

“Yeah, I tried, but..” His heart nearly sank as she admitted (jokingly or not) that she tried to forget him. And while he didn’t blame her for wanting to (part of him wanted to forget her too), it still made the disappointment creep back in. At the moment, he felt things had gone well between them. Their kisses and how he felt something in them, her admitting to being afraid- that her heart and gut were in agreement. Were they just words? Was what he felt in their kiss only one-sided? His lips twitched in a slight frown until he pushed the sadness away and urged his smile to appear.

He pulled down on his sleeves again, buttoning the cuffs around his wrists, his smirk reappearing when she pointed out that he was apologizing for something beyond his control. “I could have easily come out here in my nice clothes…Just incase." His voice was sarcastic and joking as he chuckled softly and shrugged his shoulders. At her comment to her own attire, he couldn’t help but allow his brown eyes to trail her body then. It wasn’t often he saw a woman wearing pants and such simple clothing, least of all a lady of the court. It was somewhat curious to him, but he didn’t mind. He gave a slight shake of his head before looking back to her face, “you look beautiful still.” He quietly and hesitantly muttered, somewhat feeling unsure if she’d wish to hear such a thing from him- after the time that had passed between them.

“With a little time, I can find out anything about you that I wish to.” The first time she had said those words to him, he hadn’t thought much of it. He had taken it as part of their banter and that as a lady of the court, she could get some innocent gossip on him. Or, that she knew how to ask the right questions that he would tell her everything she wanted to know about him. But now that she was here, standing in front of him, at his house, without anything but his name, he began to wonder what else she could find out about him and he slightly panicked. His mind instantly went to the time he had been arrested because of Audra’s accusation and he hoped to whatever god there was that Alice hadn’t caught wind of it. He had already paid enough for that. It was in his past and he didn’t wish to revisit it or have it come back to bite him. He smiled a bit uneasily but quickly covered his uneasiness with a low chuckle and a nod. “Yes...You did say that.”

Alice had just told him not to apologize, yet here she was apologizing to him for showing up suddenly and so late. “Perhaps also a little sorry for tracking you down like a bonafide psychopath.” Nathaniel laughed and tilted his head as if silently, yet playfully agreeing with her. He was about to tell her that he didn’t mind. That if she was here, and had spent the energy she had to find him, it made him feel that she had been thinking of him as he was of her. And that maybe she did want to see him. Maybe she needed the time to realize that she even wanted to see her again, and he didn’t blame her for that. He hadn’t exactly made an attempt to visit her, either...and maybe for all the same reasons.

But before he could manage to say anything, Alice was already speaking, an uneasy expression on her face. “There’s something I need to speak with you about..” His heart dropped and panic immediately began to take over him. He wasn’t sure what to expect. Something was bothering her, he could tell by her demeanor. He started to imagine what words would follow her statement of needing to talk. I don’t want to see you again. I can’t see you again...But I wanted to come here and tell you that so you didn’t come to bother me. I found something out about you. I don’t like that you kissed me. We should have never met. Can we just forget anything ever happened between us? In a matter of seconds, his mind filled with thoughts and dread. His brows furrowed and he looked at her with a concerned expression before nodding, “Of course…” He looked past her for a brief moment and motioned to the door. “Let’s go back in where it’s warmer?” He turned from her to pick up a few sticks of wood he had chopped, suddenly realizing that he had done a lot more than he thought he had. He cradled the wood in one of his arms before he made his way back to Alice and stepped in front of her just to open the door with his free hand. He pressed his back against it to hold it open for her and waited until she was inside before he shut it behind him.

He led her through the house, which looked near spotless and maybe untouched as if things rarely got used or disturbed. The halls were dimly lit and eerily quiet. Once he brought her to the living room, he motioned for her to take a seat as he moved to the fireplace and crouched down in front of it, placing the sticks of wood on the floor before throwing one of the logs into the dying fire, stirring up the embers until the fire was brought back to life, brightening the room and instantly throwing off heat. He stood back up and turned to face her. He could feel his shirt clinging to him which made him look down at himself and he laughed nervously. “Do you mind…” He looked at her apologetically as he pulled the clinging shirt from his chest. He didn’t want to leave her, especially alone in his house. Not because he didn’t trust her, but because he was sure it would feel awkward for her. “...If I go change real quick? Can I get you something to drink or anything?” He waited for Alice’s answer before he reluctantly walked away and went to his room.

Truthfully, he also needed a moment to collect himself behind a closed door. Something didn’t feel right and his chest tightened making it difficult to breathe. He stood in his room, hands pressing on the door and he hunched forward, his head hanging low between his arms as he thought more about what Alice could possibly want to speak to him about. He took slow and steady breaths, trying to calm himself down before he pulled his shirt over his head, his eyes instantly moving to the fresh wounds he had inflicted on himself on his forearms just last night. They still stung, especially as the air got to them, yet he hardly winced. The pain reminded him of what he felt he deserved. He moved to the water basin and quickly washed his face. When he stood, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and stared back at himself for a moment. Sometimes he hardly recognized himself anymore.

He grabbed a clean dark grey shit and threw it on, slowly buttoning it up, leaving just the top button undone before he buttoned the cuffs of the shirt. He changed his pants as well before he forced himself to leave. He couldn’t keep Alice waiting any longer than he already had. He needed to face whatever reality was about to be thrown at him.

Robert had stopped him on his way back, giving him a hopeful glance. Nathaniel pushed aside his nervousness, not wanting him to worry or to see his concern. “Don’t get too excited, old man…” He laughed slightly, shaking his head. “We’ve just only met.” Robert grinned and shrugged his shoulders. “Uh-huh. Sure... It’s been a while since I’ve seen a lady showing up here for you. I’ll get you some drinks and food and get lost.” He walked off and Nathaniel shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck before he made the rest of the way to the living room where Alice still waited for him. He smiled at her as if not worried about whatever it is was that she wanted to speak to him about. He nearly apologized for making her wait, but her voice already rang in his mind, reminding him not to. “How are you?” He asked curiously. I kind of missed you, he wanted to say but refrained. “It’s nice to see you again,” he said instead. It sounded less... desperate.

Nathaniel took a seat in a chair across from where she sat. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he regarded her. Although he looked his calm, confident self-- inwardly, he felt he was about to die.

[Alice Calder]

For some reason, she hadn’t expected him to be the same Nathaniel she’d met at the ball. Yet as she stood here, both of them attempting to strike up light banter, she found herself wanting to just stay in this moment instead, to not bring up the things she’d been told. She had an unwavering feeling in her gut that this conversation was not going to be a pleasant one, and she’d much rather enjoy a normal conversation with him. But again, she was reminding herself what she came here for, as if she could really forget.

She laughed at his sarcasm, rolling her eyes. “If you were out here chopping wood in nice clothes ‘just in case’,” She lifted her hands to make air quotes. “- then I’d think you were the real psychopath.” She teased, shaking her head. Then he was complimenting her and she was smiling - probably like an idiot too. She almost wanted to joke, to playfully tell him he didn’t have to lie to her about the way she looked. But she refrained and muttered a soft thank you instead.

She nodded at his suggestion to go inside, already painfully aware that she was beginning to lose her nerve. How was she supposed to even begin what she needed to say? There was so much to unpack in all that she’d been told and she wondered if she’d missed anything else important Audra might have said that day. She didn’t dwell on it for long, however. She knew remembering that day would only make her angry again, and she didn’t want to be angry right now. She wanted to be level, able to think clearly. She wanted to be able to keep herself in check. Her anger was unpredictable, a roller coaster of aggressive energy and reactions met with blinded actions. It was disastrous, a part of her that she had learned to control exceptionally well. Up until recently, that is. Now that the flood gates were open, she felt herself struggling to put her demons back in their cages.

When he held the door open for her, firewood in hand, she’d quickly stepped inside, not wanting him to hold the door for her for any longer than he needed to, especially with his hands full. She followed him wordlessly through the quiet house, allowing herself to be more observative this time around. From what she could tell, he liked his personal space to be just as neat and tidy as she did. Or maybe he just wasn’t home enough to dirty up the place. They stepped into the living room and Alice stood there for a moment, watching him as he added wood to the fire that was beginning to die out, despite him motioning for her to sit. Finally she found her legs again and moved to sit on the couch slowly. When he turned to face her, she waved a hand dismissively at him. “No, please, by all means. It’s your home, after all. Do whatever it is you need to do.” She offered him a genuine smile as she looked up at him. He offered her something to drink and she shook her head. “No, I am quite alright for now. Thank you.” She told him before he disappeared into another room.

She took the moment to let her brown eyes wander before she stood, moving close to the fire, wrapping her arms around herself. Her eyes seemed intently focused on the flames as her mind wandered, dragging her back to four days ago, to the very moment Audra had knocked on her door. Knowing what she knew now, would she have opened that door? Would she have told Audra to leave immediately upon seeing her standing there? It was hard to say now. She sighed softly, moving slowly back to where she’d originally been sat, eyes gazing up to the ceiling before closing as she pulled her brows together in her silent frustration. She sat again, propping her elbows on her knees and burying her tired head into her hands. She shut everything out, as she breathed slowly, trying to hold onto what little nerve remained within her determination to come here tonight, to see him and talk to him.

She glanced up as she heard footsteps enter the room again, giving Nathaniel a curious look as her eyes looked from herself then back to him. She raised a brow at him, smirking lightly. “I’m beginning to think you’re trying to match with me on purpose.” She teased, glad for even the fleeting moment that she felt normal in his presence again. He asked how she was and she sighed, resisting the urge to roll her eyes again. “I am as well as I can be, all things considered.” She said, the weight of her exhaustion clear in her words. “I hope life has treated you well since we last spoke.” She said to him, her words somehow making it sound as if the ball had been so long ago.

“It’s nice to see you again.” She smiled at him, a softness touching her expression as she looked at him. “It is nice to see you again as well, Nathaniel.” She wasn’t sure he had any idea just how nice it was for her to lay eyes on him again. While she was sure it wouldn’t help at all with her quest to forget about him, she also felt it couldn’t have been avoided. She almost wanted to scoff at herself for thinking like that, for thinking that this was some fairytale destiny and it was meant to be. How stupid and silly that was.

When he sat, a silence stretching out between them, Alice sighed again before she took a deep breath. “I had a… Special guest arrive unannounced at the palace a few days ago.. Came straight to my room.” She blurted out, watching his face carefully as she spoke, like she was trying to see if and when it would click for him. “I will admit to you now that I was not able to keep my composure with her.. I-I lost it. I yelled at her, I cussed at her… threatened her..” She shook her head taking another deep breath as she leaned back against the couch, letting her gaze fall to her hands. How was he to know who she was speaking of if she didn’t tell him? She leaned forward again, putting her face in her hands as wave after wave of emotions washed over her one by one, each with the same crippling intensity.

After a short moment, her head lifted, though she kept her eyes closed. “Audra.” She finally said in a hushed voice, her eyes opening slowly as she studied his face, her own face not able to hide the suffocating mix of things she was currently feeling. She was too exhausted to hide behind the facade. “It was Audra that came to the palace.. To my room.” She glanced down again, waiting for his reaction, his words, anything. She shook slightly, though it was unclear if it was anger or fear that caused her to tremble. “She said she needed to warn me,” She couldn’t look at him as her brows furrowed. “-about you.” She huffed a laugh against her fear, her heart tightening in her chest. She felt like her lungs weren’t getting enough oxygen. “She told me about the two of you together, how she pushed the issue of intimacy with you..” She swallowed hard. “She.. she told me what she did.. To get you arrested..” She didn’t even know if he’d heard her whisper those words. She couldn’t bring herself to speak them any louder, not without her voice quivering. Her brown eyes met his, searching his face for anything at all. “And I tried to ignore it after the fact, tried to put it out of my head. How am I supposed to believe anything she told me after she admitted to falsely accusing you of…” She was speaking quickly now, as if panicked, though she still managed to stop herself before that dreaded word passed her lips. “I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know who else to go to.” She admitted defeatedly.

[Nathaniel Starke]

The week and a half that had gone by felt like months truthfully and Nathaniel didn’t know why. Yet, what little banter continued on between them now, it was as if it were yesterday when they last saw one another. They were picking right back up where they left off and that gave him the smallest glimmer of relief. When she smiled after taking his compliment, he couldn’t help but smile as well. She really was beautiful and despite their joking banter, he almost regretted telling her that she was hideous when that was so far from the truth.

It took every ounce of courage he could muster to walk back into the room where Alice was. He couldn’t help the sense of dread or that something was wrong, though he hadn’t the faintest clue to what it could be. Perhaps he was just overthinking things and worrying about nothing. The thought was enough to push himself forward.

Alice was commenting on his clothes and he was confused for a moment, maybe he had been too deep in his own thoughts that he didn’t quite comprehend what she was saying. But once her words registered, he glanced down at himself and the shirt he had put on and then back at her. He let out a laugh and shook his head. He hadn’t done it on purpose. “I...suppose I couldn’t let you show me up with looking horrible tonight." He smirked, looking at her with a hint of flirtation and admiration. It had been what he said to her at the ball, and even though he regretted it, he felt the playful sarcasm was needed at the moment. The room felt too heavy to him, and he didn’t want her to know that he suspected or was worried about anything.

“I am as well as I can be, all things considered.” He looked at her with concern. All things considered- what did that even mean? Something was clearly bothering her, but he really didn’t know how to ask her or if he should. They still barely knew each other and he didn’t want to pry in her life if she did not wish to share. He was about to ask her if everything was alright, but she was already speaking, politely asking him how he had been. He forced a small smile and nodded in response. “I am doing well, thank you.”

He sat there silently, his eyes studying her in that moment of silence that lingered among them. He could feel the tension in the air the longer the silence went on, and he considered moving to sit next to her, to take her hand into his and ask her if everything was alright- what he could do to help with whatever was plaguing her. But he remained in his seat as if paralyzed by the heavy silence.

When Alice took a deep breath, so did he, and he watched her with a steady expression as she began to blurt out what was on her mind. “I had a… Special guest arrive unannounced at the palace a few days ago... Came straight to my room.” His brows furrowed with curiosity. A guest? She did not mention who, and he wasn’t entirely sure why she was telling him. Somehow, the first thing that came to mind was perhaps one of her ex-boyfriends, wanting her back and now she was here to tell him to leave her alone, that she could not continue to know him or to pursue whatever it was that may have lingered between them. But as she went on…” I was not able to keep my composure with her..” Dread suddenly crept up within him. He could feel his chest tighten, his knees, elbows, fingers all tingle with a warm sensation as if his blood were already beginning to boil. He knew right then and there just who Alice’s visitor was. Audra. The name crossed his mind at the very moment Alice spoke her name.
He sat there with a blank expression on his face as he stared at Alice as if maybe he didn’t hear her. Then Robert entered the room with a tray of tea and cookies. He could almost sense the tension in the room and he looked back and forth at the two but knew better than to say anything. He set the tray down on the table in the middle of the room, bowed respectfully, and found his way out again. Nathaniel never moved his eyes from Alice.

“It was Audra that came to the palace... To my room.” Alice repeated and he wondered if she thought he hadn’t heard her. His brows lowered, causing his eyes to squint with a confused expression as if wondering he had heard her correctly. He remained calm despite how warm he was suddenly getting- despite the rage that was slowly coursing through his blood. It felt as if his heart had moved into his head and was throbbing heavily, slowly creating ringing in his ears.

“She said she needed to warn me. About you.” He raised a brow and then tilted his head to the side as if questioning Alice. Was she telling him the truth, or was this just some sick joke right now? Nathaniel took a deep breath and lifted a hand cupping his jaw first, moved it up to cover his mouth and then further up to pinch the bridge of his nose before covering his mouth again, the space between his thumb and pointer finger resting just under his nose and he pressed those fingers hard into his cheekbones. Still, he showed no sign of the panic or rage that ran through him but rather calm yet perhaps nothing more than frustration and slight disbelief.

But then Alice went on, telling him what Audra had told her. About how she had pushed the issue of intimacy with him. What she had done to get him arrested. He dropped his hand from his face and folded his arms over his chest. The slightest sneer left him as he shook his head. He bit the inside of his cheek and clenched his jaw tightly.

How am I supposed to believe anything she told me after she admitted to falsely accusing you of…” Alice didn’t say the word, but he knew what Audra had told her, and Alice bringing it up was enough to finally get a bit more of a reaction than he had displayed thus far. He sat up straighter first, letting his arms drop from his chest and he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and after clasping his hands together, he rested his chin on the tops of them. One of his knees began to twitch up and down and Nathaniel finally looked away from Alice, first towards the entrance of the room, and then to the fireplace. He didn’t know what to say- or how to react. He wanted to blow up, to get up from his chair and start screaming and yelling. Instead, he felt trapped in that very chair. Then again, if he showed any sign of the rage he was feeling, would Alice believe him- that he did not hurt or do anything to Audra?

He couldn’t look at Alice- not for a few moments as he processed what she had just told him. It had been years since this had all happened and he didn’t understand why Audra felt the need to continue to spread bad things about him. He was sure it had something to do with them running into her, of course- if they hadn’t, Alice wouldn’t be sitting here talking to him about this now.

“I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know who else to go to.” Her words finally managed to gain his attention again and he looked back at her, perhaps for the first time allowing Alice to see the pain in his eyes as he recounted that whole situation. He clenched his jaw and pressed his lips together in a hard line as he shook his head and folded his arms over his chest again. He breathed a heavy sigh out his nose before finally speaking. “And what?” He let out a frustrated breathy laugh out his nose, “you just wanted to what? Ask me if it’s true? Ask me if I actually raped her?” He said the word as if it were a curse word, raising his voice only on that word. He let out another frustrated laugh and shook his head. “I’m shocked she actually admitted to whatever she admitted to you, and didn’t just tell you I straight out raped her…Because she sure as hell told everyone else I did.”

He pushed himself out of the chair and moved towards the fireplace, resting a hand on the mantle to keep himself up as he leaned forward, staring into the flames in thought. He wasn’t sure what to say or do. He wasn’t sure exactly what Audra had told her, but Alice had mentioned his issue of intimacy, and he honestly didn’t know what Audra would have told him regarding that. Yes, he had turned her down, but he had always done so respectfully. Except when she had tried to force him into it and it stirred up his past, bringing him right back into the moment where that trauma resonated from. He wished he had reacted differently, but when those memories so vividly popped into his mind, he became defensive. It was embarrassing really, and he wasn’t sure if Alice had heard that part- if he would really need to come up with a reason for why he would turn a woman down when it came to sex. He didn’t know of any other man who would.

“I didn’t…” He said calmly, and perhaps with a bit of defeat in his voice, giving her an answer to a question that Alice hadn’t even asked yet. Nathaniel didn’t look back at her. He couldn’t.

He stood there quietly staring into the fire until he finally turned to look at her. “I told you… I am not a good man to be involved with.” He repeated the words he had spoken twice before to her. It would be easier to just push her away now before this went any further- to allow her to think and worry about whatever it was she worried about- whatever she wanted to think about the whole situation. All emotion drained from his face as he looked at her with a serious, yet blank, unmoving, uncaring expression. The walls she had started to crack, he had somehow rebuilt them back up.

[Alice Calder]

“I...suppose I couldn’t let you show me up with looking horrible tonight.” Those words almost put her at ease, bringing back the warm memories of the ball. Strange.. Before Audra had shown up at her door, those memories hadn’t seemed so warm. They’d been a burden, stealing her sleep and peace of mind. It was almost as if the universe was showing her just how much worse things could be, showing her what she took for granted. Or perhaps she was finally getting what she deserved in life. Maybe this was her punishment for not protecting that girl from Darion, for not being able to protect Anemone.. Now she couldn’t even protect Nathaniel. She was such a failure..

His eyes resting on her so intensely almost made her squirm. Even when the gentleman from earlier entered the room, Nathaniel’s gaze remained locked on her. As she’d begun to talk, his expressions had changed each time her eyes had dared to look back up at him and she felt her gut sink further and further, her heart thundering loudly in her ears. When he sneered, she’d almost shut her mouth right then and there, said nevermind and excused herself to leave. But she’d had to tell him.. Audra was accusing him of awful things and he needed to know. Even if Audra hadn’t told her the things she had, Alice still would have told Nathaniel she’d stopped by out of the blue. Of course, that was assuming one or both of them sought out the other, which so far, didn’t really seem like a likely option..

She watched him carefully, her panic rising as he seemed to become increasingly restless as she spoke. Internally, she was cursing herself. She hadn’t thought this through and now, she felt she’d screwed up everything. Tears began to burn in her eyes, but she blinked them away quickly. Not that it mattered, since he hadn’t looked at her for some time now. When he finally did, however, Alice had to clench her jaw, her hands balling into fists in her lap. She could see that pain in his eyes and she immediately wanted to comfort him. She opened her mouth, preparing to speak again when his words came out, causing Alice’s eyes to widen only slightly in surprise, any words she was going to speak sticking in her throat. She swallowed against the sensation, wincing slightly when that word crossed his lips at a slightly higher volume than the others. “No-” She began after a moment, but he was already speaking again, cutting her words off. One hand was at her chest, her fingers curling into the fabric of her shirt until her knuckles turned white, while the other wrapped around her torso.

This was such a huge mistake. She’d made such a mess of things. She should have known better. She chastised herself, telling herself the same things Darion used to. How she messed up everything, ruined anything good. She’d never believed him until right now. But now she saw for herself how Darion had seen her. Had she really always been such a screw up? It made her heart break.

He pushed himself from his chair and Alice let her head hang as he stood. From the corner of her eye, she saw him make his way to the fireplace, propping his hand on the mantle. What now? She was afraid of what might happen if she approached him. It wasn’t anything to do with what Audra had told her, but a vivid memory she’d not soon forget - the first time Darion’s hand touched her less than lovingly. All she’d wanted was to comfort him, to calm him down, and he’d lashed out at her, his hand around her throat as he attacked her. ‘He’s not Darion.’ She reminded herself, standing slowly and taking only a few steps toward him, but freezing in place when he spoke. Her gaze fell to her hands as she stood there, brows furrowing with a million different questions, explanations, and secrets. “Nathaniel, I don-” Her mouth snapped shut as he was now facing her. He repeated words he’d already said to her more than once since they’d known each other, his expression the opposite of what she’d come to expect from him.

Her own frustration was clear on her face as her vision became blurry, eyes stinging with tears. She looked away from him, anywhere she could, and shook her head. “I never believed you raped her.” The words were quiet, and she curled in on herself as she spoke, both of her arms wrapping around her torso, her head down as if she were trying to make herself small - as if she could make herself just disappear. Then she looked up in a flash of anger, a single tear falling down her cheek that she quickly wiped away. It didn’t matter how frustrated, how scared and angry and confused she was, she refused to sit here and cry. Her arms fell to her sides as she narrowed her eyes, lifting her chin. Did he really think the things she’d said to him at the ball meant nothing? “Do you honestly believe I would have shown up here, alone, this close to nightfall - if I believed a word she’d told me?” She asked, her voice breathy as she let her disbelief linger on the words, taking another step towards him, tightening her resolve.

“I thought you needed to know.” She finally said with a shrug, her bottom lip quivering before she shook her head with force, her hands going to her temples and her eyes squeezed shut. Then, with much more volume, “I came to you because I-” Her mouth snapped shut, eyes still closed, shaking her head again, this time much more softly as she dropped her hands and sighed. She couldn’t bring herself to tell him out loud that even in the insurmountable distrust of everyone around her, she still somehow trusted him - a complete stranger - more than anyone else. Her gut and her heart told her she could. Was it complete trust? No, absolutely not. But it was something more than what she’d given to everyone around her. She hadn’t even trusted her own family enough to tell them about Darion, the real reason they divorced, why he was behind bars. As far as they knew, he’d broken into someone’s house, stole some things. To her family, Darion was nothing more than a lowly thief. It’s what Alice had told them. It’s what they believed. When things like this happened, Alice didn’t turn to people, trying to give them the benefit of the doubt or her trust. She instead took things at face value and with a grain of salt. She made her own assessments, came to her own conclusions. But this was serious.

She had always been able to see through most people. It was a skill she regarded highly and that she knew she could count on to not let her down. She’d seen through Audra as if she were a piece of glass, her true reasoning for showing up at Alice’s room apparent from the first word Audra had muttered after sitting. The way she’d sighed longingly, a dreamy look entering her eyes, the way she’d choked back a sob. It was all too clear and Alice knew exactly what Audra had been doing. That’s why she’d lost her temper, why she’d threatened Audra to stay out of her business. But Nathaniel? No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t see through him unless he let her. It was frustrating.

Her brown eyes finally opened again, meeting his. She took another step towards him until she was standing close enough that she could reach out and touch him, her head tilting back slightly to look up at him with sad eyes that burned with fear. Slowly, a trembling hand reached towards him, curling into his shirt as if she could make herself stop shaking, as if she could make him listen to her. Anger and fear rocked her small body and she let it. She couldn’t fight back her emotions right now. “You can talk to me..” She finally whispered, repeating words she’d said at the ball in hopes that maybe, just maybe he’d remember whatever it was he’d felt for her that night, if he felt anything for her at all, that is. She’d thought he felt something for her, like she did for him, but when he’d looked at her with that uncaring gaze… She suddenly felt as if perhaps that entire night was just pleasantries. Maybe he’d just been being nice the entire time. Had she really allowed herself to become so hopeful? Had she really been dumb enough, desperate enough, to think anyone could ever really care for her in any capacity? Even now, standing here before him, she felt so soul-crushingly alone. She wasn’t sure her spirit could take much more before it shattered, rendering her a ghost of herself.

She breathed quietly against another sob. “Forgive me.” She whispered, letting her gaze fall again, releasing her hold on him as she hung her head in defeat. She was painfully aware she was doing the very thing she told him not to do, but what else could she really say? “I shouldn’t have come..” Her heart was in her throat and she choked back the tears that continuously threatened to spill over and betray her. Wrapping her arms around herself, she took a few steps back, letting her gaze fall to her feet. She wanted nothing more than to wrap herself in his arms, to throw her own arms around him and hold him there. But she felt it was far too late for that now. It was too late for anything now. She’d royally screwed this up and now she’d have to face the consequences.

[Nathaniel Starke]

Nathaniel barely heard Alice’s voice when she spoke. His head was spinning, his ears were ringing and he felt as if he might pass out from the rage that shook him. How was it even possible that Audra was still interfering with his life when he thought he had finally been able to move past the mess she had created for him? She had moved on herself, so why did she need to get in his way now? He wasn’t sure what angered him the most: the fact that Audra took the time and went to see Alice, that she felt she needed to warn her about him, that she told Alice things he wasn’t quite ready for her to know about yet, that she was trying to ruin things for him before they were even started, or that Alice was here now, after stalking him, to tell him that she now knew these things about him.

He noticed the frustration on her face and he wondered what she was frustrated about. She admitted that she never believed that he had raped Audra and Nathaniel looked at her with a confused expression. Why was she here then, telling him these things? What was the point? Nathaniel couldn’t think straight, and nothing was making sense- all he could seem to think about was that moment as it replayed in his mind. He thought about how Audra had tried to force herself on him, how he had, unfortunately, overreacted and shoved her off of him, sending her to the floor. He yelled at her to leave. He yelled at her when he never had before and it was enough to frighten her and send her running. He never expected she would spread the lies about him, then again, Audra was all about her status and probably didn’t want to admit what she tried. If he had to guess, when she returned home and her parents saw her upset, she did not want to tarnish herself and told them that he had raped her in order to make herself look and feel better.

He remembered the guards showing up at his house and how they hadn’t even given him a chance to argue or defend himself. They dragged him straight into the dungeons and threw him there where he stayed for weeks- maybe even a month, until they finally released him. He later discovered it had been his father to help him get released. Nothing had become of it for Audra, but even after being wrongfully held in prison, he still paid for something he did not do for almost a year. He had been demoted in the army and had to work his way up. Nathaniel had never said anything to anyone about it and he tried his best to just go on with his life.

Nathaniel hadn’t moved his eyes off her, despite his emotionless and cold expression. He watched as she curled in on herself and as that single tear falling down her cheek as she looked at him in anger. “Do you honestly believe I would have shown up here, alone, this close to nightfall - if I believed a word she’d told me?” He clenched his jaw and still said nothing as he continued to watch her. She took a step towards him, and even still, Nathaniel didn’t know what to say. He still didn’t understand why she felt she needed to come here to remind him of this. Why was she even bothering? Any other woman might have gotten afraid and decided he wasn’t worth it. No one else had ever bothered to hear his side of the story. No one had ever asked him. He had been painted a monster, and for the longest time, Nathaniel believed that.

“I thought you needed to know.” That he needed to know what? That Audra was accusing him of this- As if he didn’t already know? That she was still spreading the rumors? That Alice now knew about it? He watched her as she shrugged, shook her head, rubbed at her temples, and squeezed her eyes shut. He was about to finally say something when Alice spoke up again, “I came to you because I-” She stopped herself, still not giving him a reason for why she was here to tell him all of this. He allowed a small bit of emotion to appear on his face again, but it was a look of confusion and curiosity. Nathaniel found her eyes when she finally opened them and looked at him. He silently watched as she approached him and grasped onto his shirt, his eyes did not leave hers though, holding an intense, yet blank stare. He could see the sadness and fear in her eyes and he couldn’t help but wonder if she feared him now, despite her telling him that he did not believe Audra’s accusation. Alice was allowing herself to be vulnerable towards him, allowing him to see her emotions as she stood there in front of him. “You can talk to me.” His brows furrowed and he blinked a few times, lifting a hand to scratch the back of his head before he finally spoke. “Talk to you about what?” He asked her quietly, yet somewhat exasperated.

It seemed as if his pushing her away was starting to work. She apologized to him, stated she shouldn’t have come, and then slowly backed away from him. That look of defeat on her features left him confused. What was she feeling defeated about when he was the one who felt he wasn’t allowed to live his life without feeling he would always be looked at as a monster. A worthless shell of a man? Could he even call himself that? Audra didn’t seem to think so when she openly told Alice her new fiancée was what a 'real man looked like'.

But even though Alice stated she shouldn’t have come, she didn’t move to leave. She remained where she was. And a strange part of him felt glad for it. The other part wanted to keep pushing her away. He wasn’t worth her pity or whatever this was right now. He sighed and shook his head. “Why did you come? What do you want me to say, Alice?” His whole body ached as he fought the anger that shook him down to his very core.

He folded his arms over his chest, clenched his jaw tightly, his lips pressing together in a tight line as he shook his head. He tried to form his words as he stood there staring at her. “I did not want you to know any of this…” He dropped his arms down from his chest and held his pointer finger up first before opening the rest of his fingers as he let it fall back to his side. “Not yet.” Nathaniel took a step away from her, shaking his head again. The words came out of him, not as though he wished to hide things from her, but more because he wanted her to get to know him better first… To realize the type of person he was, to be able to share deeper, more personal conversations with each other so that he could tell it to her himself when the time was right. It wasn’t fair that she had to hear these things from a complete stranger when he was a stranger to her as it was. His expression softened slightly, the look in his eyes indicating what he meant by his words.

Nathaniel let out a saddened laugh through his nose and let his head drop as he shook his head in disbelief and defeat. He still felt the need to say what his expression and tone of his voice may have already said. “You should have heard it from me… Not her.” His words were nothing more than a whisper as he stood there, his body language appearing as if he were ashamed and defeated.

[Alice Calder]

Every once in a while, a look of confusion would cross his face, but that would be about all she’d get. He didn’t speak, just watched her with that empty gaze. She stood motionless in that spot, not answering the questions he seemed to ask with his eyes. She’d known this was going to go sour, but how much worse could it have been had she not come? Would Audra sink lower, tell Nathaniel lies about her? What if she already had?

He finally spoke, asking her what it was she wanted him to talk to her about and she tilted her head, squinting her eyes before looking away and shaking her head, biting her lip before turning back to him with the hint of a glare. “We could start with why you’re not surprised I’m telling you any of this.” She huffed a breath. “I almost want to assume that you know Audra is spreading rumors about you, and if that’s so, why are you letting her?” She asked, shaking her head in confusion. “This is your livelihood on the line, Nathaniel. Do you not care?” She asked him. She sighed then as if she were giving up. She lifted both of her hands as if in surrender, closing her eyes as she took a steadying breath before her hands dropped to her sides limply. The sound of them connecting with her body was loud against the quiet.

“Why did you come? What do you want me to say, Alice?” How many reasons had she given herself to try to see him since the ball? It was more than she could even remember at the moment. Each reason, she’d turned herself against, making up some stupid excuse that she forced herself to believe was a good enough reason to not go. She nodded then, her gaze falling back to him as her head tilted to the side. Biting her cheek and pulling her lips into a hard line, she looked away from him. “If you want my honest answer-” She began, still not moving from her place. “I had to know if she was telling me the truth or not. If all those things really happened. You getting arrested, her accusing you of rape.” She told him. “Because I defended you. Immediately. Without a second thought. I said some nasty things to her, Nathaniel. She looked at me like she was afraid of me.” Her eyes stared into his, searching them for anything at all she could find. “I trust nothing people tell me, Nathaniel. People lie.” She hissed between clenched teeth. “Which is funny to think about because I…” She laughed, the sound dry. “I have believed every word you have said to me.” She told him softly.

None of this was going to make sense unless she told him the very thing she didn’t want to. Maybe she could just be vague about it instead, generalize her explanation so that she had to give nothing away. Her eyes fell to the floor and she took a deep breath. “I’ve seen what happens on both sides of this coin when lies are involved.” She tried to steady her breath as her lips pressed into a hard line, her bottom lip quivering again. She swallowed, looking back up at him. Her brows pulled together as she fought back the sadness that rocked her. “If you were arrested for Audra’s accusations, then that means no one believed that you didn’t do it. That made me worry so badly for you..” She admitted reluctantly. “I don’t know if this was something that happened recently or if it’s far in the past, but I didn’t want to take the chance that it was recent and that you were struggling with something like this alone.” She let him see the hurt she was carrying. “I’ve seen good people take their lives over these sorts of lies and I couldn’t even begin to imagine finding out that you-” She clenched her jaw shut, taking a ragged breath as the tears she tried to will back spilled over. She couldn’t bring herself to finish that statement. “I guess that’s pretty stupid since I barely know you, huh?” She laughed at herself, wiping at her cheeks furiously.

After a moment, he finally spoke to her again and she looked at him with furrowed brows, about to open her mouth to speak before the gesture he made silenced her. “Not yet.” She looked at him curiously as he took a step away from her. Every part of her wanted to run to him, right then and there, but she remained still. Then his expression was softening and she nodded her silent understanding of his words. He whispered his next words - about how she should have found out from him and this time, Alice didn’t hesitate. She moved towards him, taking both of his hands in hers. If he didn’t pull away from her, she’d give his hands a gentle squeeze, her gaze not able to meet his. “I understand if you don’t like me very much for tracking you down and showing up unannounced, for bringing all of this up.” She whispered. “But please don’t shut me out now.” Her voice practically begged. “Not unless you’re going to tell me to get lost and that you never want to see me again.” Her gaze did meet his then, a firmness in her brown eyes, as if she were preparing herself to hear those words pass his lips.

She stared at him for what felt like a moment too long. She tried to force a smile to her lips, but it wouldn’t happen. She sighed again. It was as if all of her emotions had finally rocked her until she went numb. She felt nothing, just emptiness. “You know, even if you never want to see me again after this, I’m happy that I was able to see you, even if the circumstances are less than desirable.” She forced a laugh through her nose as her gaze met the floor. She dropped his hands then, letting her own clasp in front of her as she took two steps away from him.

[Nathaniel Starke]

Nathaniel frowned slightly as she glared at him and questioned him on why he was not surprised about Audra telling Alice the things she did. He lowered his brows and gave her a look as if he were asking her if she was seriously asking him that. He had gotten arrested because she spread the rumors of him raping her, how would he not know? But before he could say anything, she was going on with additional questions. He shook his head lightly and sighed with frustration. “I was arrested for her lies, Alice… She spread the rumors then, and I’ve been dealing with it since.” He shrugged his shoulders and folded his arms over his chest as he chewed on his upper lip. While any other person may have been reacting with anger and upset, Nathaniel stood there calmly, almost as if it didn’t bother him. Of course, it did, but what could he do about it?

“This is your livelihood on the line, Nathaniel. Do you not care?” He huffed a few breaths out his nose almost as a laugh, but not a humorous one. He shook his head and unfolded his arms, held his hands out as he shrugged in a gesture that said ’what am I supposed to do about it?’ He didn’t know what to say and he folded his arms back over his chest as he regarded Alice. What did she want him to say?

She was telling him that she needed to know if Audra had told her the truth or not and if all of it happened. Hadn’t he already said so? He hadn’t said much, he supposed. Alice kept talking, not allowing him to get a word in, so he stood there, watching her and waiting for her to fall silent before he’d say anything. “Yes- it’s true.” He nodded, raising a brow slightly as he looked at her curiously. She had defended him and said things to Audra that frightened her. Somehow, Nathaniel could picture it and he didn’t know whether to laugh or to panic. Audra was a queen of gossip, he remembered. She loved to become involved in everyone’s business- which was another reason Nathaniel wasn’t really surprised by any of this. But, he worried now that if Alice had really frightened her, that now Audra would go after her to retaliate. Just as she had done to him for pushing her away.

People lie. He raised a brow again, his expression quickly displaying a ’no shit’ response. “Which is funny to think about because I have believed every word you have said to me.” He looked away from her for a brief moment. She had no reason to trust or believe him- she didn’t know him and he couldn’t understand why, after only knowing him for a couple of days, would believe him. It would be easier to believe Audra’s lies. So many others had.

They were going to have this conversation, regardless of if he wanted to or not- whether he was ready to or not. Alice was pushing her luck, the more she went on about it. “If you were arrested for Audra’s accusations, then that means no one believed that you didn’t do it. That made me worry so badly for you..” He was growing frustrated by Alice’s obvious statements. Things he had already realized and knew himself. He tried not to show the aggravation he felt with this conversation. But at her last statement of worrying for him, his gaze softened slightly and his brows furrowed with confusion. She was worried about him? Before he could say anything, Alice was already explaining why.

“I don’t know if this was something that happened recently or if it’s far in the past, but I didn’t want to take the chance that it was recent and that you were struggling with something like this alone.” Nathaniel stared at her for a moment and let out a nervous and saddened laugh, “And what if I’ve been dealing with it alone for a year now?” Would she care less if it wasn’t so recent?

He saw the hurt in her expression as she continued: "I couldn’t even begin to imagine finding out that you-” He noticed her fallen tears and it nearly killed him. Part of him wanted to pull her closer to her, to wrap his arms around her and to tell her that he was fine. To lie and tell her that none of this bothered him anymore and that she had no reason to worry about him. But he couldn’t bring himself to move and could do nothing but stare at her, even as she was calling herself stupid for feeling such things since she barely knew him. He sighed, wishing he knew what to say. Wishing he could tell her none of this was true and that he was fine.

Nathaniel watched as she moved towards him and took his hands in her own. He didn’t pull or move away from her, but he stood there, feeling weak and vulnerable to her and he hated every bit of that. He was a military man and was supposed to be sturdy and strong and respectable. Yet at this very moment, he felt small, useless, and humiliated.

Alice wasn’t looking at him now as she spoke, somewhat apologizing for tracking him down, showing up unannounced, and for bringing all of this up. He closed his eyes, letting out a small sigh from his nose. He hadn’t expected what would come out of her next. The words made him open his eyes and stare down at her, for the first time, showing her a glimmer of that sadness that he so desperately tried to push away and hide from everyone else. “But please don’t shut me out now.” Was she seeing right through him, knowing that he was trying to shut her out and push her away, just as he had done with so many others before? “Not unless you’re going to tell me to get lost and that you never want to see me again.” The words hit him hard in his gut and he could feel it twisting on him. He’d never had someone say such a thing to him and he honestly didn’t know how to react or what to think. So instead, he stood there with a baffled expression on his face, staring at her as she did him.

He was fighting himself as he tried to think of something to say- anything, really, to let her know that he didn’t really want her to leave and never see her again. He tried like hell to convince himself to just let her go. To be the cold, heartless man that he felt he was. But the way she looked at him- the way those emotions suddenly drained from her features as she let go of his hands and stepped away from him. Nathaniel let his head hang down, his gaze falling from her own as he tried so desperately to find his words, to form some kind of sentence. He had been happy to see her too-Hell, part of him was still happy to see her. But it pained him to no end that she was here, after only knowing him for a couple of days, dealing with part of his dark past- only just a tip of the iceberg. If she was upset by this--No. He couldn’t finish the thought, because no one needed to know about anything else he had gone through. He couldn’t allow it.

Nathaniel lifted his head and gaze to look at her again, briefly, before he closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and released it from his nose in a staggered sigh. He opened his eyes, his expression changing to something that most likely made him look extremely vulnerable in that moment as he looked at her, seemingly allowing her to see the struggle that resided within him. The struggle he felt to find and say the words he wanted to say to her. The struggle of his life in general. Finally, he shook his head and looked away from her as he whispered, “I’m not worth your concerns, Alice.” His words were so heavy as if he believed that with all of his heart. She did not deserve to have to deal with him and his past. He did not want to share any of the struggles he had dealt with, with her. He did not want her knowing about his past. She did not deserve to be pushed away and shut out. But that was what he did- That was who he was. How could he ever have a relationship or allow anyone in? At that very moment, it hit him like a ton of bricks how very, hopelessly lonely he was.

[Alice Calder]

It was Alice’s turn to sigh in frustration now. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, but only after it was almost too late. The motion had started and she turned her head away from him to hide it. He didn’t seem to understand what she was trying to tell him. Or maybe he didn’t want to understand? Either way, could she really blame him? “That’s not-” She was almost shouting, quickly stopping herself as she squeezed her eyes tightly closed, pursing her lips and lifting a hand that balled into a fist. She brought it to rest just below her nose, over her mouth. For several moments, she did not move.

Her mind wasn't clear enough to focus on her words. Instead, her thoughts collided into the things she wanted to say, making it difficult to pick out the things she needed to. If he could read her mind, she wondered what he'd think. It was so loud, a hostility lingering behind every thought, aimed towards herself. But there was also a hopelessness that felt like it was attempting to bury everything else. She hadn’t tried to put herself in his shoes throughout this entire exchange. She hadn’t tried to see things from his perspective. How would she feel if someone had told Nathaniel about her past with Darion before she was ready for him to know? Would she be just as stand-offish? Just as reserved and closed off? Would she become as cold to him as he was towards her right now? Alice knew the answers to those questions - it was a resounding yes.

She sighed again, this time much more softly as she composed herself better. “That’s not my point.” Her words almost sounded like she was giving up. She huffed, looking at him slowly before shaking her head. “I just-” If she couldn’t find the right words, then why in the hell was she still talking? Why didn’t she just shut up and walk away right now? Why did she come? It was his voice behind that question as it echoed in her mind. She was using his words to question herself, her decisions - coming here.

He shrugged then in what Alice considered to be a gesture that conveyed contentment. Was he really the type to give up so easily? To treat something like this as just another problem that would go away if he ignored it or didn’t talk about it? A look of disbelief had fallen over her features causing her to laugh that incredulity into the space as she stared at him with an open-mouthed smile. Her head tilted and she again squinted as she stared at him, her perplexity with his nonchalance towards the situation clear across her face. Had she really been so wrong about him after all? She was suddenly unnervingly aware of just how much of a stranger he was to her.

“Yes- it’s true.”

They were going in circles. She clenched and unclenched her jaw slowly. “Obviously.” The word was exaggerated as it passed her lips in a hardened tone. “That was clear from the moment you reacted the way you did when I told you I didn't know who else to go to.” Her brows were heavy over her eyes in frustration as she watched him. “Yet you have still made it very clear to me that coming here was a mistake. Would you have preferred me to go to someone else about this--this bullshit,” She paused for no more than a second. “-that just got dumped into my lap? You were my first choice and last resort.” Her voice had gotten louder, angrier as she spoke. Realizing how harsh those words sounded, she groaned quietly, bringing her hands to her face to cover just below her eyes, her fingers meeting at a point between her eyebrows. Still, her gaze remained on his face until she sighed as her hands made their way to her neck, her head tilting back, her voice echoing the despondency she was again beginning to feel. “What else could you have expected me to do with this information? Am I supposed to just -” She held her arms out, her head shaking slightly “-pretend I didn’t hear any of it?” Then she held a hand out towards him, palm up as she gestured pointedly. “Do you want me to just somehow forget what I was told?” She asked him, her hand balling into a fist on the last word as she returned it to her side in a quick, forceful motion. “Just- nevermind. None of that is really the point either.” She shrugged, defeated.

There were too many things she could say that would only serve to give her away. Not only would it reveal how much she’d allowed herself to care and how high she’d allowed her hopes to get regardless of her reservations, it would go much deeper than that. Scratching the surface of her darkness would only lead to questions that she didn’t want to answer. That was perhaps the only reason why she didn’t press him for more information than she already had. She was beginning to see that he shared in her reticence and she hated knowing that because of her, it had been brought up like this anyway.
After the numbness swept over her, it was much easier to see past the emotions that she’d failed to shut out. It was much easier to put herself in his shoes, to have a grasp on what she would do, how she’d react if the roles were reversed. Perhaps it was too late for her to finally have a moment of clarity. Here she was, after all, feeling like this was going to be the very last discussion she ever had with him. All because she couldn’t get her shit together. Maybe she should have just let it go, maybe she should have at least pretended to forget about it. But then she wouldn’t have seen him again. If she was certain about nothing else at that moment, she was certain about that. She wouldn’t have sought him out and it seemed he would not have sought her out either. Eventually she would have forgotten about him, right? Moved on with her life as if nothing happened? She wished she would have right about now.

He let out a laugh that pulled her from her thoughts. She watched him with an empty gaze as he spoke, remaining silent for a moment after the question passed his lips. It lingered on the air between them and all she could do was stare. She knew what she’d wanted to say the moment he’d asked, but she hesitated on the words. Would it be the right thing to say? Would it make things worse? She supposed there was only one way to find out..

“Then... you won’t be dealing with it alone anymore.” She said matter-of-factly, despite her monotonous tone. “I refuse to let you.” Her voice was firmer, almost absolute as she lifted her chin slightly, licking her lips before pressing them together. Her head tilted slightly, brows twitching slightly upwards in an expression that seemed to convey he had no choice in the matter. The way she saw it, he didn’t. He would have to hate her guts first and even then it wasn’t a guarantee he’d get rid of her so easily. “And that brings me to my point on why I came to you.” She felt her heart speed up in her chest. “I didn’t know it had been a year.” She said. “I’m sorry you had to deal with it alone. I know what that’s like.” She told him quietly. “But if she’s still doing it, let me help you.” She whispered, her words again almost pleading with him.

It was obvious to her that he was shutting her out. As he stood there, not speaking, his arms folded across his chest, that look across his face that she was really beginning to dislike, it gave him away. He wasn’t letting her see anything except fleeting curiosity. When he spoke, it wasn’t much. If his goal had been to fool her, he’d done a piss poor job.

The longer the silence stretched out between them, the more she felt everything begin to bubble to the surface again. She’d said she wouldn’t let him deal with it alone anymore, but she decided that if he could really stand there and tell her he never wanted to see her again, if that was what he really wanted, she’d honor it. Even if it meant making her a liar for her earlier declaration. With her newfound resolve, she swallowed back everything she felt and looked up at him just as he met her gaze. He quickly looked away, taking a breath and Alice’s heart began to race. Her head dropped again as she took a slow breath, preparing for the blow she was about to receive.

“I’m not worth your concerns, Alice.” Her head snapped up at his words, tilting as her expression changed from confusion to the emptiness she was trying so hard to maintain. It was made even more difficult with the way he now looked at her. That look that made her heart constrict and ache. “You don’t get to make that decision for me.” She told him sternly. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re not worth my concern.” She sighed, her gaze softening as she looked at him. “But maybe you’re wrong.” Her voice was quiet as she took a hesitant step forward. “There’s only one way to find out, and I would like to find out..” Her voice trailed off. She began to reach up hesitantly, wanting to touch his cheek, but she withdrew her hand, holding it against her chest and sighing. “But I have to know what you want first.” She studied his face carefully. “Otherwise, I’m not going anywhere and you’re just going to have to deal with it.” She told him pointedly, trying to sound more sure of herself than she felt.

[Nathaniel Starke]

He could see Alice becoming frustrated with him- something he had grown numb and used to by now from the others he had pushed away. Each person got easier than the last. Nathaniel really wasn’t sure if he was understanding her or not- or if maybe he just didn’t want to deal with this whole conversation. She did not know him and wouldn’t it have just been easier for her to forget and move on? To not deal with him or this situation. As she raised her voice, but then stopped herself, he barely flinched. Instead, he continued to look at her with a curious gaze, watching as she tried to calm herself. He sighed quietly and looked down, scratching the back of his head from his own frustration.

Her voice brought his gaze back to her as she finished her statement, a bit calmer this time. It wasn’t her point? His brows lowered, causing his eyes to squint as he looked at her, yet again, confused. What point was it that she was trying to make? Again, Alice didn’t finish her thought and left his confusion to linger even more.

Nathaniel found himself wondering what Alice had expected coming here and telling him this. He wondered what the scene looked like in her own mind and how she imagined it unfolding in front of her. Clearly, she wasn’t expecting this as her look of disbelief proved that. But when she laughed and gave him that look that he interpreted as disappointment in him, he looked away from her, his patience beginning to grow thin.

His gaze snapped back up at her as she stated it was obvious that Audra’s words were true, based on his reaction. He couldn’t help the frustrated laugh that escaped him and he shook his head, “then why did you ask me if it was true, Alice?” He allowed the tone of his voice to hold some of that frustrated aggravation he was feeling.

“Would you have preferred me to go to someone else about this--this bullshit, that just got dumped into my lap? You were the first choice and last resort.” Alice blurted the words out, the anger clear in her voice. His eyes widened but then quickly glared at her. This bullshit- Yes, that was exactly what it was. He let his folded arms drop down from his chest and he placed his hands on his hips as he stared at her. He shook his head slowly as he let it fall in shame, his eyes downward as he stared at the floor. Nathaniel laughed, simply because he didn’t know what else to do. He raised one of his hands and scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah-- That’s right… My whole life is just bullshit.” Maybe that wasn’t what she had meant- but it explained exactly how he felt about it all. He breathed a sigh out his nose and shook his head, “so maybe you should just leave, then...  Better not to get involved.” He nodded his head as he looked back at her, tilting his head, his expression cold, distant, and filled with annoyance.

Alice was asking him what she was supposed to do with the information she had received from Audra, and Nathaniel stared at her with a perplexed expression. She continued firing her questions at him and he finally nodded firmly. “Yeah. Why not?” He shrugged his shoulders, “what’s the point of getting involved? It’d be easier to just take the information, believe it, get scared off, and forget. Just pretend you never met me… That I don’t exist.” He laughed and shook his head, looking away from her again. Everyone else did just that, so why not her, too?

What he didn’t understand, was why Alice felt she needed to go to someone with this information, if not him. What would have been the point? It was done and over with and there was nothing that could really be done about it.

Now Alice knew some of what he had been dealing with for the past year- whether he wanted her to know about it or not. It left him feeling horribly vulnerable and exposed to her. “Then... you won’t be dealing with it alone anymore. I refuse to let you.” Nathaniel lifted his gaze and looked at her with that same perplexed expression. First, she was calling it bullshit. That she shouldn’t have come here. Now, she wanted to get involved with something that was done and over with. He shook his head, lifting a finger and waved it back and forth once, “No.” He paused and continued to shake his head, closing his eyes briefly before he looked at her, pulling his lips in a tight line before he spoke. “You do not need to get involved with my bullshit. I don’t want you to.” But the expression she gave him seemed to argue that.

“But if she’s still doing it, let me help you.” Nathaniel shook his head again. “There’s nothing to help with, Alice.” He sighed and rolled his eyes behind closed eyelids. “Audra....” He hesitated, trying to think of his words. “She’s just trying to get to you. She saw us together and wants to make sure that since I messed things up with her... That she doesn’t want me to be...happy. Or involved with anyone else.” He looked at Alice with a defeated expression, “she wouldn’t have come to you if she did not see us.”

His gaze had fallen again when he told her he wasn’t worth her concerns. Maybe it was his last-ditch effort to push her away. He was tired and didn’t know how much more of this conversation he’d be able to handle before he’d lose it on her. Nathaniel wasn’t sure what to expect from Alice at his suggestion to not concern herself with him. “You don’t get to make that decision for me.” Her words rang in his head, and the slightest smirk filled with sadness formed on his lips as he shook his head and breathed a small laugh out his nose. He kept his gaze down though, and as she continued, agreeing that he may not be worth her concern, or maybe he was wrong about that. She moved towards him, but still, he couldn’t look at her.

“There’s only one way to find out, and I would like to find out..” He saw her move her hand towards him, but hesitated and brought it to her chest instead. He lifted his eyes to look at her, then. “But I have to know what you want first.” Nathaniel stared at her, seemingly at loss for words. Anyone else would have been gone by now, not wishing to put up with his cold and distant demeanor. Yet, here Alice stood, telling him she wasn’t going anywhere and that he would have to deal with it.

He stood there frozen, looking down at her as if deep in thought. He honestly didn’t know what to do. Or what to say. His expression slowly softened, if just a little bit and he gave her an uneasy smirk, breathing another laugh out his nose as he shook his head, his voice filled with a hint of surrender and defeat. “Is that so?” He said as if challenging her as he had done a few times in several of their past exchanges.

Nathaniel reached his hand out, taking hold of hers that rested against her chest and he gently pulled her closer towards him, intertwining his fingers with her own. He suddenly felt his heart racing within his chest as he looked at her as if this whole conversation never happened. Her words replayed in his head, “But I have to know what you want first.” When he spoke again, his voice was so low and unsteady. “What if I want you?” His gaze was intense and serious as he looked into her eyes, pulling her closer to him and resting their clasped hands against his chest. His free hand reached up and cupped her cheek, his thumb lightly brushing against her face. He gave her an apologetic look, but his once cold expression slowly changed to a hint of appreciation.

[Alice Calder]

She wasn’t sure how she was meant to make it any clearer for him. Audra hadn’t given her a time frame of when it all had happened. She’d only said that being with Nathaniel had been “the worst six months of her life.” Alice hadn’t known how long ago that six months was. She’d been left to assume. If she’d been in a better state of mind, a clearer state of mind, maybe she could have let herself be calm enough to question Audra further. Surely it wouldn’t have been difficult for her to pry. Audra had come across as an open book, after all. Maybe she still could press Audra for information.. She didn’t want more information on Nathaniel - it was safe to say she’d had enough of that for a while already. What she did want, was to know if Audra planned on trying to use that information in any way. Sure, the bulk of the damage may have already been done when Nate was arrested, but keeping rumors like that alive.. They could do even more damage over time. She shouldn’t have been considering this, yet she was.

His question pulled her from her thoughts and she gave him a confused look. “I never asked you if it was true. I said I came here to find out if it was, but I never had to ask. Your entire demeanor changed the moment I brought it up.” She laughed lightly, as if she were really amused by his question. She took note of his tone but paid it no true mind. He could be frustrated. Hell, he could be angry. She knew she probably would have been if she were in his shoes. “As a matter of fact, I haven’t asked you a single question about what Audra told me. Not one.” She shook her head. “I repeated what I’d been told and it quite literally spiraled from there.” That was what she’d been expecting, truthfully. She would have reacted much more explosively, making it admirable that - from her perspective - Nate seemed to have such well-exercised self-control.

Then he was glaring at her. She resisted the urge to glare back, watching him as he looked downwards, shaking his head before he spoke. “Yeah-- That’s right… My whole life is just bullshit.” She blinked a few times, searching his face as she tilted her head. Had she heard him right? Was he truly going to stand here and twist her words? She opened her mouth to speak, but he was already speaking again. She laughed, the sound humorless. “You’re so full of it your eyes are brown.” Her arms crossed tightly over her chest as she shook her head. “You’re smart enough to know that isn’t what I meant.” Her tone was absolute as she ignored his last statement. He hadn’t said what she wanted him to. What he’d said was more of a suggestion. ‘Maybe you should just leave’ as opposed to outright demanding she leave. She wasn’t convinced he meant it.

He spoke up again and this time Alice rolled her eyes, a hand going to her forehead, massaging the area as she sighed. “You cannot be serious.” She groaned. “Do you hear yourself right now?” It felt like the hopelessness of getting him to understand was starting to win. Even so, it didn’t seem to stop her from trying. “Do you really want me to believe her lies? I already told you that I fear no one, so getting ‘scared off’ isn’t exactly an option.” She said the words with a heavy dose of sass as she made air quotes. “And I tried to forget about you. But how am I supposed to pretend you don’t exist after you made me feel--whatever this is that I feel?” She gestured to herself as if trying to indicate that her mind was as much a mess as she looked on the outside.

She hadn’t wanted to go to anyone else with the information she’d learned. Only him. He was the only person she’d thought of and it has been a last resort to bring herself to actually show up here. But her mind wouldn’t quiet and, as she’d already told him, without knowledge of when it had all happened, she was left to assume the worst, that it was something that had only just happened and he was still trying to recover from the blow. Did she feel somewhat ashamed that she hadn’t pressed Audra for more information before reacting? Yes. But she’d still meant every word and wouldn’t regret it one bit. Audra had deserved to hear what Alice had to say on the matter. She deserved much worse than that.

When he told her no, she’d given him a look that seemed to hint at the spoiled nature she’d admitted to having the night of the ball. “Yes.” The word had immediately followed. He shook his head and she huffed as he began to speak again, shrugging as he finished. “Fine. You don’t want me involved, I won’t get involved.” She lifted her hands level with her shoulders, palms facing towards him as she looked away from him in a dramatic display of surrender. Then, as she let her hands fall softly back to her sides, “But can I at least be in your corner?” She asked with an exasperated sigh. When he shook his head and spoke again, she again huffed, pressing her lips into a hard line. She listened to him wordlessly, folding her arms. It was only when he’d finished speaking completely that she spoke up again. “Well I’m glad that worked out in her favor then.” Her voice was laced heavily with sarcasm. She wanted to comment on the rest, tell him that from what she was told, Audra had been the one to mess things up. She wanted to tell him that if that was really Audra’s motive, it only made her more hard-pressed and damn determined to not give her the satisfaction. But she refrained, letting it go.

She wasn’t sure how she expected him to react to her saying he didn’t get to make that decision for her. But that hint of a smirk was not it. He didn’t look at her or say anything until she’d spoken up again, attempting to reach for him. It was only then that his gaze had returned to hers. They stood in silence, staring at each other. When his gaze softened, the corners of her lips twitched into a smile before she willed the expression away.

“Is that so?” Under normal circumstances, she might have laughed and smirked, but instead, she looked at him seriously, her brows heavy over her dark eyes. “Yes, that is so.” She said simply as she let her eyes study him. Seconds later, he was reaching towards her, pulling her gently by her hand towards him. There was hesitance as she moved closer to him, even more so when their fingers intertwined. She looked at him curiously when his expression changed ever so slightly. It felt like her heartbeat was slowing down but beating impossibly hard in her chest as she continued to stare at him in confusion. “What if I want you?”

Her blood ran cold at that question, starting from her chest until reaching her extremities where it felt more like pins and needles. She hadn’t even yet realized her breath had caught in her throat. He pulled her closer still, their hands coming to rest at his chest where Alice’s eyes had fallen. When his free hand caressed her face, she didn’t move. This time, she did not lean into his touch, though her eyes closed for the briefest of a moment as his thumb trailed along her cheekbone. She wasn’t sure how to answer his question. She hadn’t been expecting it. Her gaze fell from his face as she processed what he’d asked her.

“Is that really what you want..?” She asked softly, releasing the breath she’d been holding, brown eyes finally meeting his. “Even after I stalked you and showed up to your house randomly?” She attempted to be playful, mocking a grimacing expression as she let her face soften, just a little bit. The faint look of appreciation he wore warmed his features, causing Alice’s lips to turn up in the slightest indication of a cautious smile. The same way she’d felt at the ball stirred in her gut again, only this time, she welcomed it. It felt pleasant compared to the panic she’d felt for the last four days. She reached her hand up then, pulling the hand he rested against her cheek to her lips. Just like at the ball, she kissed his palm gently, letting herself linger there for an extra moment or two with her eyes closed. Her body wanted to shake against his gaze and touch, but she did not allow it. Instead, she returned his hand to her cheek, her hand holding it here as she studied him again. “Does this mean I can finally admit that I maybe, kind of want you too?” She asked, again trying to be playful despite the clear truth that rang in her tone. There was no ‘maybe’, no ‘kind of.’ She knew she wanted him to be in her life. Why? She couldn’t say. Or maybe it was just hard to explain. She just couldn’t seem to let him go, no matter how hard she tried.

[Nathaniel Starke]

As Alice claimed she hadn’t asked him if it were true, he looked up as if in thought, trying to remember how the whole conversation had unfolded. Maybe she hadn’t asked him, but her words still came across with that curiosity. She came to find out if it were true. Wasn’t that the same as asking if it was? He was completely confused and baffled by her at the moment, and he could only scratch his head in his confusion.

“I repeated what I’d been told and it quite literally spiraled from there.” Nathaniel let out the slightest laugh from his nose as he shook his head. “How did you expect me to react, Alice?” Was his demeanor not supposed to change from one moment being happy to see her, expecting that they could talk and enjoy one another’s company- to suddenly finding out that Alice heard a piece of his past that he wasn’t ready to share with her just yet? Something that had caused issues in his life and nearly ruined his entire reputation and name for himself. Was she truly not expecting him to react the way he had? Her words made it sound like she hadn’t.

“You’re so full of it your eyes are brown.” Nathaniel looked at her, tilting his head as if to say, seriously? He raised a brow and continued to glare at her. Yes, maybe that wasn’t what she meant- but he’d still stand by his words. His life was complete bullshit. He wasn’t twisting her words- he was agreeing with them.

He could hear himself loud and clear, despite Alice’s surprise. The sad part of it was that he was serious. It would be easier if she just believed the lies as everyone else had, and forgot about him. Nathaniel stared at her as she gave him the sass, reminding him that she feared no one and getting scared off wasn’t an option. He shook his head, closing his eyes for a second before he looked back at her. “Everyone is afraid of something. You mean to tell me…. That you wouldn’t be afraid of a known rapist? You’d be willing to take your chances?” He gave her a doubting look and shook his head again.

“ I tried to forget about you.” Nathaniel’s brows furrowed as he looked at her, her words resonating through him as he tried to process them. She had wanted to forget about him. Despite him standing there trying to push her away- the very thought that she wanted to forget him--after she had made him feel something- that hope. It hurt. “But how am I supposed to pretend you don’t exist after you made me feel--whatever this is that I feel?” She had felt something too, then. Her words made his confused gaze soften, if only a bit, with more of a curious one. Neither of them knew what these feelings were for one another, but Alice was suddenly admitting to him that she felt something. He wasn’t entirely sure how to respond, or whether or not he should tell her how he felt. He was trying to push her away, after all. He’d try and make it easier for her to forget about him. Because it would just be easier on both of them than to continue down whatever path they were on. It would save them both so much time, energy, and hurt.

Nathaniel blinked when Alice immediately responded with a ‘yes’ after his telling her no, that spoiled brat demeanor making its presence known to him. In all fairness, she had warned him of it. She agreed not to get involved and he watched her little dramatic display of surrender. He fought the urge to roll his eyes at her. Was this what he’d be getting himself into if he became involved-- No, he stopped the thought from finishing in his mind. But then, no one was worse than Audra when it came to the dramatics. Her next words caused him to pause, “But can I at least be in your corner?” He didn’t know what to say. What was she asking him, really? Wasn’t that still getting involved? Or was she simply telling him that she wanted to be here in his life, to support and believe in him when no one else would? He didn’t respond to her, not sure how to. And then Alice was commenting on things working out in Audra’s favor. He shrugged his shoulders and then shook his head. “Everything seems to work out in her favor,” He said with a defeated sigh. Her rich father made sure of that.

Nathaniel stood there, looking back at Alice as she confirmed his statement. His eyes studied her, too as they stood there in the silence. He felt her hesitation as he drew her closer to him, that confused look on her features as he pulled her even closer. His actions maybe didn’t make sense following their entire conversation of the evening. But with her admitting that she couldn’t forget about him- that she felt something, that he felt something too… That she was still standing here before him and hadn’t allowed him to push her away already. It all meant something, right?

“Is that really what you want..?” When her eyes met his again, he stared into them for a moment, thinking of his response. Did he really want this? Part of him so desperately wanted it. The other part felt he should protect and respect her enough to know that it would never work out between them because of his issues. She was already asking him something else in that playful tone, but he had barely registered it right away as he had been more focused on her expression. Nathaniel shook his head lightly. “I don’t mind that you stalked me and showed up to my house randomly,” he repeated her words, but with a more serious tone than she had given him. “Just might mean you were more interested in me than I was of you.” There was a cautious sarcasm in his voice then, clearly joking with his words, hinting that he was trying to lighten the mood and fall back into the banter that had consumed them their last couple of interactions.

His brown eyes watched her as she took his hand from her cheek and placed a kiss to his palm, holding it against her lips for a moment before returning his hand to her cheek. He smiled admiringly at her and looked into her eyes as if trying to read what was going through her mind. He realized he hadn’t answered her question regarding if this was what he really wanted. Maybe it was. Would he have said it if he truly didn’t?

“Does this mean I can finally admit that I maybe, kind of want you too?” Her words brought a genuine smile to his face, and he brushed his thumb against her cheek again as he continued to look longingly into her eyes. He remained silent for a moment, his eyes searching hers as if to ask her if that was really what she wanted too. He felt his chest tighten, trying to contain his heart from bursting from it- his breath caught in his throat making it difficult to find the words he wanted- or maybe needed to say.

He lifted his other hand to rest on the other side of her face, holding her gaze onto his. He continued to stare into her eyes as he considered his words carefully. Slowly, he leaned in closer towards her, placing a kiss to her forehead before he rested his against hers and whispered to her. “I’m… quite certain I was already yours the moment I kissed you...” He had felt something in their kiss, it was what drew him closer to her, making him want more--Making him not want to let go of her.
Nathaniel slowly closed whatever distance remained between them, wrapping one of his arms tightly around her, pulling her against him in a tight embrace. His other hand remained on her cheek as he allowed his lips to linger dangerously close to hers, breathing nervously as if asking her if she was alright with him kissing her after all they had been through this evening. She had told him that he never needed to ask her if he could kiss her, and as if hearing those words repeat in his mind, he gently pressed his lips to hers.

[Alice Calder]

She didn’t often make sense to other people. Her mind seemed to work much differently, more quickly. By the time someone reached one conclusion, she’d reached two or three. When in the right state of mind, Alice was a carefully planned woman - her judgment was much better. She knew how to ask the right questions and how to play the part of neutrality. But one thing she’d never seemed to be able to do, no matter how hard she tried, was swallow down her desire to be loved. It made her irrational. Sure, her family loved her and her heart might burst with the amount of affection she held for them, but she craved something different. It was a craving she hadn’t even realized she’d had until Nathaniel placed that first soft kiss against her lips at the ball.

“How did you expect me to react, Alice?” It was her name that pulled her back into reality. All she could do was shrug, shaking her head with a roll of her eyes. It wasn’t a gesture of annoyance towards him. It was aimed more at herself. She hadn’t had any expectations for this encounter. She hadn’t really thought about it at all. “I.. didn’t think things through, to be honest.” Her tone was deadpan as her gaze fell away from him, her hands fidgeting with her fingertips as her brows pulled together as if she were thinking seriously. In reality, her mind had begun to imagine more favorable possibilities to the night. Again she rolled her eyes at herself, still not looking up at him as she spoke again, poking her pointer fingers together. “I just.. reacted.” She breathed an uneasy laugh through her nose. “That’s not like me, but..” She shrugged, knowing better than to say the words at the back of her throat. She’d been in a very similar situation before, the roles a bit reversed, but it had broadened her perspective on matters like this. It was too much fuel for an ever-calculating mind. “What’s done is done, right?” Her eyes had finally drifted back to his face as she crossed her arms so that her hands were holding her elbows. It was a reserved posture, one that conveyed she wanted to disappear. Perhaps she could crumble into dust so that she couldn’t do any more damage. She hated herself for letting him see her come undone. Especially now that she realized how long ago it had been.

He continued to glare at her, raising his brow and giving her that look. She raised both of her brows in response, eyes widening just slightly as if silently saying she was dead serious - or challenging him. He could take it however he pleased, really. As far as she could tell, he was full of shit. She refused to believe he was this passive about the whole ordeal. That he really wanted her to leave after he’d shown her so much vulnerability. But, putting her headstrong tendencies aside, she again let it go, sighing as she shook her head, shrugging once more as if to convey her retreat on the matter.

As he questioned her, going on about how everyone was afraid of something, she clenched her jaw, head turning towards her left shoulder as she let her brown eyes stare at the stone of the fireplace. “You’d be willing to take your chances?” She did glare at him then. “I already took my chances once.” Her tone was absolute as she blurted the words, a hint of venom behind them. Just as quickly, her mouth snapped shut and she closed her eyes, pressing her lips into a hard line before sighing. ‘Shit.’ She hissed at herself internally. Why had she said that? Then, as if she could somehow draw his attention away from her words. “Don’t forget that I’m still a stranger to you, too..” It was a soft reminder, one that again showed her retreat. She didn’t want to talk about this anymore. It was pulling her too close to a ledge she couldn’t step down from.

She didn’t know why she couldn’t forget him. Well, right now, she did kind of blame Audra. Alice was doing.. decent before that wench came along. At least before that, it had just been her remembering their night at the ball. Again, she considered Audra’s visit to be a reminder that she took things for granted, giving them too much power when there was always something much, much worse that could be happening. All of this had to be her karma. Had it really taken a year for the universe to finally give her the punishment she deserved for her failures? It had to be..

Nathaniel didn’t speak for a long moment. He seemed content letting her say her piece, only commenting on Audra getting her way. She’d sighed in tandem with him, her eyes half-rolling in her head as she shrugged. She just really wanted to stop talking about all of it. If he wanted her to pretend it never happened, she’d do it. But it would be reluctantly, and not without grumbling about it later when in the solitude of her room. But if that’s what he wanted.. She’d do it. There wasn’t much off the table, she was quickly realizing, and she resented it. She was quickly becoming aware that she would probably do almost anything he asked of her.

Again, the silence surrounded them as they appeared to search each other as if they were both looking for answers to the same questions they hadn’t yet asked. Finally, he shook his head, responding to her words with much more seriousness than she’d used. She looked at him with a curious expression. How could he not mind that she’d tracked him down and shown up without so much as a notice? At his next words, however, she gave him a playfully doubtful look. “That just sounds like wishful thinking to me.” She teased. If he wanted to slip back into the witty back and forth that had brought them together in the first place, she’d be more than happy to oblige. “All I’m hearing is that you are interested in me and are making assumptions that I return the sentiment more strongly than you.” She shrugged jokingly. “But I suppose if it makes you feel better...” She gave him a cocky half-smirk.

Despite trying to settle back into their banter, Alice’s mind had begun to get loud again. Why did he break the barriers of her composure so easily? Why was it so easy for her to just melt into his touch. Was she really so touch starved? Or did she just crave the feeling of his touch? She couldn’t tell, but it caused a million doubts to begin to swirl within her mind, threatening to make her lose her nerve and slip back into the state of fear of what could unfold between the two of them. Maybe she was terrified of letting anyone know that she did actually have feelings and wasn’t just the mask she wore. Or maybe she was just afraid of the hurt. She couldn’t go through the pain she’d felt after Darion a second time. Once had been far more than enough and she was certain her resolve and psyche wouldn’t be able to take it again. Especially not if it was Nathaniel dealing the blow. She couldn’t explain why, but he already had her in the palm of his hand with that soft look of admiration that caused her breathing to become softly unsteady.

In that moment, everything about him seemed to steal her breath away. His eyes, the smile that now claimed his lips - it was intoxicating, he was intoxicating. She wasn't sure if she wanted this, if she could do this. She was so unsure of Nathaniel, of herself - of everything. Meeting him had opened a cataclysm of emotions and brought forth everything she'd spent the last year repressing. All that time, she had herself convinced that she was getting better and stronger. That she was letting everything go and she was happy. Then he came along and suddenly it was like nothing made sense. All the things she never faced, the things she could never move on and heal from, nestled at the forefront of her mind. They were viciously loud reminders that she was broken. If she couldn't let go of the pain and anger, the guilt she felt for (unintentionally) standing idly by while Darion committed such a heinous act, did she have any right to want him? To want this? Did she have any right to even try at this? She felt like she was being selfish.

Then, her mind was quieted as his other hand found her face. For a moment, she felt numb, her empty gaze locked with his. The sudden relief that had washed over her was so instant that she was slow to process. But gradually, the ebb of uncertainty and anticipation for what was yet to come began to rise, her heart beginning to beat quicker. A soft kiss was graced upon her forehead, her brown eyes closed against the gesture as she released a deep, quiet breath. His forehead came to rest against hers before he whispered the words that drew her eyes to his. She looked at him with a confused expression, but that confusion was mixed with a soft, saddened smile. Before she had time to respond, his arm was around her, closing the small space between them, his lips now lingering close enough to hers that she’d parted them in an inaudible sigh as anxiety rose, then faded away, only to well inside her again. She forced back the stuttered breaths that tried to escape, inhaling more shallowly and slowly.

When his lips gently met hers, her hands made their way to the back of his neck as she pulled herself onto her toes, as if she could hold him there forever. She returned his kiss, pouring every ounce of her silent apology into it, along with the strength of.. Whatever this feeling was he gave her. Part of her needed him to know how often she’d thought about him, despite trying to forget him. She wanted him to know how much she’d begun to miss him. If they were words she couldn’t bring herself to speak, she could at least her actions - her passionate kiss - speak for her. She’d never felt something so all-consuming before. She almost wanted to let herself drown in it. But before she could completely lose herself, she pulled away, one of her hands trailing to his chin, holding his gaze to her face with her forefinger and thumb. Her own eyes were on his lip as she smiled. “That’s going to do the opposite of making me want to leave.” She teased, poking fun at their earlier conversation as she chuckled lightly.