Lux
22
Recently Divorced
Lady in waiting/Spy
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Alice Calder on Oct 9, 2020 0:24:33 GMT -5
“I suppose if your gut tells you it’s alright to risk everything?” She sighed at the words. Perhaps it was good advice, but it was unfortunate that it did not apply to her. She refused to believe that her gut was leading her down this path. No, this was all the doings of her hopeful heart. It had to be.
Well, she supposed that cocky smirk of his had something to do with it too. She chuckled along with him as he spoke, her laughter melting into a smile as he winked at her. She shook her head, giving him an expression that conveyed her stubbornness playfully. “In order for any of that to happen, you must first.. ‘Sweep me off my feet’ so-to-speak.” She challenged with a flirtatious grin.
Truly, Nathaniel might be surprised at the hand-full of things her brother couldn’t brag about. He was a young man after all, and the macho-man competition never seemed to end when Reese was involved. She nearly rolled her eyes at the thought but was instead smiling at Nathaniel’s words. “Still. Thank you.” She insisted. “It.. Means a lot to me. Earns you a few points.” She winked.
Perhaps that look had something to do with it as well. Each time he looked at her that way, all she could do was stare back at him. When he started to speak, she’d tilted her head in anticipation, brows furrowed in confusion when he did not continue. Keeping her own silence, she waited until he spoke up again, nodding her silent understanding. There were many things that she was beginning to find she could not explain either. Sometimes, words were not enough. Or the words made it too real. Her expression was cheeky as she lifted her brows at him narrowing his eyes at her. She shrugged a shoulder, as if she were innocent, laughing lightly at his last words, again nodding her agreement.
It was funny how honesty had a strange way of bringing certain things out of people. It was almost like opening a floodgate. Sometimes, the floods weren’t so bad. Other times, they were completely destructive. Of course, it all came down to the offending party. In this case, Alice was the offending party.
His expression had been confused as he stared at her. It was when his eyes fell away from her that that familiar tingle of anxiety began to stir, bouncing around in her chest until it began to hurt. The silence was deafening and she caught herself taking an audible breath just to break the quiet tension that she already felt rising in the air. He looked back at her, his confused expression becoming more serious as he again stared at her. “Before I answer that-” She should have known he wouldn’t let that one go. Her lips pressed into a hard line as brown eyes searched his.
He was questioning her and her eyes widened slightly. “No, I didn’t mean-” He interrupted her words and she snapped her jaw closed. That was getting old. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him and instead sighed. She shook her head, her gaze falling away from him as he spoke. But then she was glaring at him, tilting her head slightly as she stared at him. Lifting her chin, she sucked in her cheeks. “It’s who I am.” She huffed a laugh at him. “It would be best for you to just walk away now before-” He didn’t finish the statement, causing Alice to raise a single brow at him. Still, she said nothing. Instead, she took a deep breath, calming herself so as to not have a repeat of how their night started. She was going to try a different approach. Hopefully..
He turned back to her with an expression that seemed to break her heart instantly. She caught her breath immediately, swallowing hard against the panic that was still building up. He repeated her question, the tension in the air becoming thicker. She could hear the anger in his tone and it almost made her shake. But if nothing else, she was stubborn. She willed her body to stiffen, holding her stone still as she waited for whatever blow she was about to receive. The problem was that this time, she couldn’t quite figure out what she’d done to evoke this reaction. Was there something wrong with what she’d asked him? Had she said something wrong?
He was standing then, practically yanking his hands from hers as he did so. His attention was focused on the fire, but she was certain he could feel her eyes boring into the back of his head. Her jaw was clenched tightly as she glared at him with an expression that was mixed with confusion and perhaps a little hurt, though she couldn’t quite figure out why it hurt yet. As soon as he turned to face her, she was on her feet, small hands balled into fists as if she were prepared for him to do something. Realizing the instinctive habit, she loosened her fists, letting her hands fall to her sides as a feeling she couldn’t explain washed over her at his words.
“You. I want you. I want this…”
She wasn’t entirely sure what her face looked like at that moment. Her head was tilted as she regarded him, lips pulled into a frown with her brows pulled into a look of confusion. She almost wasn’t sure she’d heard him right, but she also knew she’d heard him right. There was no way she could have misheard those words, right? “Nathaniel…” His name was said softly as her expression changed to concern. She wasn’t really sure what she wanted to say to him. But it hardly mattered since he was speaking up again. This is perhaps what she’d been most expecting when she’d come here to speak of what Audra had informed her of. To see it now, it was surprising, to say the least, but she did her best to not let it show, to not let him see how panicked this type of behavior made her.
When he appeared to be trying to steady himself, Alice studied him closely before her gaze fell to the floor, not meeting him again even when he spoke, offering her an apology, then an explanation, admittance, and finally acceptance of the fate he seemed to think he’d brought upon himself.
She shook her head furiously. “Absolutely not. You-” She took a deep breath, reeling herself in as she rolled her head in frustration. She could barely think straight - where was she supposed to begin?
“You're an idiot.” She breathed a laugh. That seemed like a good place to start.
“Everyone is fucked up.” She nearly hissed the words. Her expression was half a glare but somehow empty all at the same time. She shrugged, letting her shoulders fall loosely as she stared at him, brown eyes focused intensely on his face. “I want this too, you know.” The words were said more softly as she sighed. “If you push, I pull.” She told him firmly. She’d never been the type to give up easily. She was sure that was already quite clear.
She laughed then, a sound that was humorless. Crossing her arms across her chest, a questioning expression claimed her features and she licked her lips before smirking. “I must ask-” Three steps were taken towards him. “I tell you I’m afraid of you and then...” Tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear, she took another step forward as the words trailed off, her gaze finally landed on the floor. “Are you trying to scare me away?” She asked him, raising a brow as her eyes found his again. “If so, it’ll take more than that. Someone once raised more than their voice at me-” She held her arms out towards him with both hands as she took a few steps back, as if inviting him to try harder. “So if you think getting angry and raising your voice will work, by all means.. try me.” She challenged. Despite the bravado, she was terrified. It was strange how someone raising their voice at her could still cast her into the darkest part of her life. Even so, she swallowed it down, forcing herself to look brave on the outside.
She let the silence linger. Taking a deep breath, eyes closed against the internal noise, her mind slowly began to calm. She cleared her throat softly before an empty gaze found the fire. “Would you like to know why I fear you?” She asked him, the words just as empty. Brown eyes flickered to his face as she moved slowly towards him again, hands immediately reaching out to touch him. She forced a smile before she moved to wrap her arms around his torso, her movements cautious. If he didn’t push her away, her hold tightened slightly, her head coming to rest where his neck met his shoulder. She wondered if he could feel her shaking. “I’m not in control when I’m with you. I-” What was the best way to explain it?
She pulled back just enough to look up at him. Keeping one hand around his torso, she lifted the other to urge his gaze towards her. “It would seem that I involuntarily, yet undeniably, have begun to feel something for you. And that terrifies me.” She whispered, forcing what she could of a smile before she placed a gentle kiss against his cheek.
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Soleil
29
Single
Lieutenant of the Tresterian Army : Cavalry
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Nathaniel Starke on Oct 9, 2020 14:55:02 GMT -5
Despite his own advice, Nathaniel wasn’t sure if it was his gut, head, or heart leading the way for him. His head seemed to be the only one against it all and it had become a constant battle on what he should listen to. His fears and doubts, or his hopes and desires. Why did he feel like his head was so much stronger than his heart and gut, even though his own advice made more sense to him?
Brown eyes watched her admirably as she playfully challenged him. His brows lowered and twitched slightly as he smirked, tilting his head as he spoke. “Haven’t I already, quite literally, swept you off your feet? At the chase.” She had tripped over his legs at the chase if he remembered correctly. His smirk grew into a cocky grin and he laughed softly. “But if you want to be swept off your feet by me, then I suppose I can try to figure something out.” His tone was flirtatious and he couldn’t help but smile at her.
Alice was thanking him again, despite him telling her she did not need to. He hadn’t sought out Reese, it had just ended up happening- which he felt was all the more reason and a sign that he should keep to his word. He was happy to help, honestly. But if it also meant it won him some more points- well, that was just an added bonus. He laughed and shrugged his shoulders, “That’s really the only reason I’m doing it,” he said sarcastically with feigned nonchalance. It was hardly the reason he was doing it, other than simply wishing to help.
He had barely heard her try to correct his assumption regarding her fear. He was far too upset and he was speaking over her unknowingly. Alice just sat there, glaring at him, looking at him as if she didn’t believe what he was saying. It may have sounded like, or seemed, that he was just saying these things to try and push her away- yet in Nathaniel’s mind, it was all truths. A warning to stay away from him if she did not wish to have her heart broken.
It was funny, yet strange, how he was reacting to Alice admitting her fear of him, and to her question. She had come to him this evening with something that he should have shown anger to. And while it did anger him, he felt there had been no purpose in allowing himself to show that emotion, especially when it had been something he had dealt with for over a year and any bad reaction to it could only spark truth to Audra’s accusations. But this- the anger he felt now, was because fear was something he understood far too well- and he didn’t wish to ever be the cause of that sort of thing. And his own fears, now, were threatening to ruin something else for him. He felt so frustrated in the fact that he was feeling anything and didn’t feel he was allowed to feel them- that he couldn’t pursue anything that might give him a glimmer of happiness. And that- that was what angered him so much. He was tired. Tired of it all: his life, his past, his demons that trapped him into his own mind. When would it end?
Nathaniel caught a glimpse of her reaction when he turned- her balled up fists and the look of panic on her face. It was enough to take him back slightly, reminding him that she had just admitted to being afraid of him. After he gave her his answer, he watched her face- the frown that took over with confusion and then concern. When she said his name, his heart sank as he was preparing to hear that he should not feel that way. That he should not want her, that she didn’t feel the same way. He was afraid of the words that would follow after she spoke his name- so he continued on- trying to push her away before she would have the chance to push him away. To try and make himself feel better, even though it only made him feel worse. He did not dare look at her as he stood there in silence, accepting that he had just completely blown everything and he was half expecting Alice to storm out- to not even accept him escorting her back now. Why would she want to be anywhere near him? Her words only seemed to confirm that when she told him Absolutely not. She didn’t want him to walk her back now, and he couldn’t blame her. He’d at least argue with her to allow Robert to escort her if she did not want to be near him. But that wasn’t what Alice meant. She was calling him an idiot, which finally caused him to lift his gaze at her. He lowered his brows and blinked a few times, tilting his head and giving her a look that spoke an ’excuse me?’ But she was already explaining why she thought he was an idiot.
Nathaniel stared at her with an intense look of attention as she spoke. She was right: Everyone was fucked up. But Alice hadn’t a clue just how badly he was. It was easy to downplay his words when no one had the faintest idea just how fucked up he was. His gaze instantly softened, though, as Alice admitted she wanted this too. Despite her fear of it?
“If you push, I pull.” His brows furrowed as he shook his head slightly. He wanted to believe her- to trust that she meant that. But even he knew that everyone had their limits, and Nathaniel liked to test those and push past them. Alice had no idea just how badly he could push.
He tilted his head curiously as she laughed that humorless laugh and crossed her arms over her chest. “I must ask-” His eyes widened slightly in his own curiosity and panic flooded him, but he stood unmoving, his own arms folding over his chest as he regarded her. She took a few steps towards him and questioned him. “Are you trying to scare me away?” He nodded quickly in response, raising a hand to frustratingly run down his face before it rested over his mouth where he pressed his thumb and forefinger into his cheeks. He was about to tell her that yes, he was trying to scare her away- it was what he did- hadn’t he just told her that?
But then, Alice was saying something that would completely shake him. Something he had almost pieced together himself by the little hints she had given him here and there, yet he hoped he had been wrong in assuming. “If so, it’ll take more than that. Someone once raised more than their voice at me-” His eyebrows lowered over slightly squinted eyes as he tilted his head, a look of curiosity given to her. Had he just heard her correctly? Nathaniel stared at her, watching as she stepped back and challenged him to try harder. He raised a brow at her but just stared at her in the lingering silence. He didn’t know what to say or do at this point, so he allowed his gaze to fall to the floor, his arms falling to his side in a defeated motion. But the very thought of someone raising their hand to Alice made his blood boil. He clenched his jaw tightly and balled his hands into fists, pressing them into the sides of his legs. It would seem both of them had a lot more in common than they thought. Maybe someday, they’d be able to compare scars.
He was visibly bothered by her words, by everything that swirled around the room at the moment. Yet, he still couldn’t find the words he wished to speak. He wanted to go to Alice and embrace her- to tell her that he would never raise a hand to her and that he hadn’t meant to frighten or scare her. He didn’t want to hurt her and the only way he knew how to protect her from that was to try and push her away. He had never admitted to this fault- not to anyone. Instead, he just let it happen without so much a warning. He pushed and acted as though he didn’t care and was a cold-hearted, uncaring ass. But for whatever reason, he didn’t want to let Alice go- he just didn’t know how to stop himself from pushing. Maybe that was the real reason he was telling her this now.
Her words caught his attention again and he slowly allowed himself to lift his gaze to finally look at her again. His expression was just as empty, perhaps laced with defeat. He wasn’t quite sure he wanted to know the reason why she feared him. Still, he did not move or look away from her as she approached him, reaching out to him and then wrapping her arms around him. He had raised his arms slightly to allow her to embrace him, but his body tensed up and he awkwardly stood there, hesitating to allow his arms to move around her. He stood like that, confused yet curious. Nervous and terrified. But when Alice rested her head down against him, he slowly let his arms gentle wrap around her. He could feel her shaking against him, and he carefully tightened his embrace, holding her as if trying to protect her from the harsh world that surrounded them. He tilted his head down, pressing his lips to the top of her head and keeping them there as she finally began to explain why she feared him. “I’m not in control when I’m with you.” She didn’t finish her statement and when he felt her pull back slightly, he lifted his head to allow her to do so, his gaze falling to meet hers as she urged him to. Brown eyes searched hers and he anxiously waited for her to finish her thought. “It would seem that I involuntarily, yet undeniably, have begun to feel something for you. And that terrifies me.” His gaze softened, yet still held some curiosity as he stared at her. Alice kissed his cheek, but he immediately lifted one of his hands, placing it on her cheek and he urged her to look back into his eyes as his own stared at her with that intense look of admiration and desire. Soon after, he raised his other hand and rested it on her other cheek, holding her face in his hands in an attempt to keep her gaze on his.
Nathaniel hadn’t said anything since Alice spoke. This entire time, he had remained quiet, watching her and taking everything in. It wasn’t until that moment of silence as he held her face in his hands did he finally speak again. All the anger removed from his tone and replaced with a gentle, caring one. He spoke low, in an almost whispered manner. “So… We are both terrified. Of each other… The feelings we are feeling… Our pasts and the future.” He gave her a saddened smile and released a small laugh out his nose before he shook his head. “So what do we do then?” He stared into her eyes for a moment before he sighed. “Do we let that fear win and control us? Walk away from whatever this is? Because that’s what’s easy?” He brushed his thumbs lightly against her cheek, allowing his eyes to drop for a brief second as he tried to compose himself before looking back into her eyes, this time, his gaze showing a slight glimmer of hope and fear, “Or do we take that risk on one another? Learn how to- Figure out how to... trust each other...Together?” He let the smallest hint of a smirk cause the corners of his lips to twitch and he sighed. He searched her eyes before he leaned closer towards her and pressed his forehead against hers, not letting go of her face. He whispered quietly to her. “My gut is telling me to take that risk with you... That there is something different about you from everyone else, and I want to know you… Everything. The good, the bad... And accept you for who you are...Because something tells me you would do the same for me. And I don’t understand that… Or any of this, and my head is telling me I am a foolish stupid man for thinking that anyone could ever accept me for who I am...And what I have been through.” He paused for a moment, sighing against her lips before he pulled away from her slightly so that he could look at her face completely. “And you-” His brows furrowed and he gave her a concerned yet cautious look. “You need to know that I am not that kind of man. I would never raise a hand to you. And any man who has...Is not a man, but a fucking coward.” He clenched his jaw tightly, a hint of anger rising in his tone- not at Alice, but just at the thought of a man raising his hand to a woman or child- it infuriated him to no end. He wanted to apologize to her- that she had to experience that, that he had raised his voice to her- that he was trying to push her away- all of it. But her voice already rang in his head, telling him not to apologize to her for things that were not his fault. Still--.
Nathaniel took a deep, steadying breath and he tried to calm himself again before he spoke, his voice slightly shaken with nervousness. “I’m tired of fighting my fears and letting them win.” He shook his head and closed his eyes, taking another deep breath through his nose, then he leaned forward and kissed her forehead before resting his against hers. He still held her face in his hands and his thumbs traced along her cheekbones. He looked into her eyes and whispered against her lips, “I’m asking you to take this risk with me…” He paused for a moment, searching her eyes again. “And I will try not to push you away too much. Not as long as you don’t give up on me.”
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Lux
22
Recently Divorced
Lady in waiting/Spy
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Alice Calder on Oct 10, 2020 0:19:21 GMT -5
Alice welcomed most challenges, meeting them head-on, a smirk pulling up at the corners of her mouth at his inquiry. No - he hadn’t swept her off her feet, she’d fallen on her face. Shaking her head with a soft chuckle at his next words, she shrugged as if to say ‘we’ll see’. The sarcasm in his following statement was easy to catch, causing her to give him a mock scolding expression, her eyes rolling playfully. All joking aside, she secretly hoped he knew how full it made her heart to know someone was looking out for Reese; that he was looking out for her little brother. She didn’t deserve someone so kind - she didn’t deserve anyone or anything this good.
Perhaps that was exactly how they’d fallen into this situation. He wasn’t the only one that “fucked everything up,” as he’d put it. She had almost done just that by coming here to speak of Audra, hadn’t she? Maybe that’s what she’d wanted, though. Wouldn’t it have been so much easier that way?
She didn’t want him to feel defeated. She didn’t want him to pity her, either. She had a feeling his demons were much worse than hers, but it seemed she couldn’t quite say what she desperately wanted to say. Instead, she was saying everything around what she ultimately meant. Watching his expressions as they changed, Alice was happy that he gave her the opportunity to say her piece. Happy that he listened to her when she spoke.
The shaking had stopped almost as soon as his arms wrapped around her. How different this moment could have been if she hadn’t forced herself to take that risk - to trust him. If it weren’t for his hands on her face, she may have dropped her gaze and pulled away from him entirely. Staring back at him blankly, she wondered if she could actually do any of this? The thought made her sick and she couldn’t tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing. There was no time to sort it out in her head, however, as Nate broke their brief silence.
“So… We are both terrified. Of each other…” Alice tilted her head, searching his eyes as he spoke, listening intently. “So what do we do then?” Her eyes fell to the floor briefly before her lips pressed into a hard line. Feeling like his questions were more rhetorical than anything, all she could manage was a curious gaze as she let him speak without interruption. But as the next question passed his lips, her eyes squinted as she regarded him with a confused expression, a hint of disbelief hidden among her features. Was he really saying he wanted to try? Why didn't that thought make her happy?
A forced smile tugged at once corner of her lips before his forehead came to rest on hers. With his hands still on her face, she couldn’t completely drop her gaze like she wanted. It was so hard for her to not collapse under his stare. “My gut is telling me to take that risk with you..” She felt her heart skip a beat and she took a slow breath, closing her eyes. She couldn’t look at him. Part of her wanted to shake her head, to tell him to stop talking. She wanted to pull away from him, turn around, and walk right out that door. But she kept herself still, both of her hands going to his as if that could help steady her. Did he honestly think she was so different? How long would it last before he found out that she didn't stop someone from doing the very thing Nate had been accused of when she'd had every chance? “Because something tells me you would do the same for me.” She opened her eyes to look at him, a soft smile pulling up her lips, but it was quickly replaced with a slight frown as he.. Did he just confirm her suspicions? With her breath caught in her throat, she couldn’t find her words. She was almost certain he could see her panic.
Brown eyes closed when he sighed against her lips and she silently wished he wouldn’t have pulled away. “And you need to know that I am not that kind of man.” Her eyes were on him and she was already shaking her head lightly as he continued. She still hadn’t quite formulated what she wanted to say yet. This was too much at once and she felt her heart constrict in her chest. It felt like invisible walls were closing in on her and she fought against a tremble and the screaming voice that suddenly wanted to put distance between her and Nathaniel. No, she couldn’t do this.
“I’m tired of fighting my fears and letting them win.” Her mind quieted at the words and she felt a wave of relief. So he did know what that was like, letting fear rule your very existence. A gentle kiss was pressed to her forehead before his eyes were on hers again. “I’m asking you to take this risk with me…” Her lips parted and she breathed a soft sigh against his as he spoke those words. She knew she should tear herself away now, but she couldn’t bring herself to. Not from him. She was rendered helpless against his very touch. What a cruel joke it was that he was the only thing that could calm the very demons he awakened.
She simply stared at him for a moment, her expression giving nothing away to what was going on in her head - revealing nothing she felt. But then, she smiled lightly, tilting her chin towards him and pressing a single, gentle kiss against his lips. Instead of pulling away, she remained close, her lips brushing against his softly, teasingly, eyes still closed.
“I do not think walking away from you could ever be easy and I already know that I can accept you for who you are.” She whispered the words, pulling away from him to search his eyes. Despite all of her reservations, all of her fears, she couldn't bring herself to listen to her doubtful mind. “I don’t understand any of this either, but-” She removed his hands from her face as her gaze fell. She wasn’t entirely sure what she wanted to say just then. Clasping both their hands in front of her mouth, she kissed his knuckles before returning her eyes to him. “I think I would take any risk for you..” She whispered, dropping his hands gently with a nervous smile, taking a step away from him. With what she desperately wanted to say on the back of her tongue, she swallowed, unsure if she could manage to muster the courage she’d need. The small amount of space between them helped her feel braver. She wouldn't have to look at him. But this was perhaps the best way for her to sum up everything she felt.
“Earlier you asked me if you’d ‘already, quite literally, swept me off my feet’ during the chase…” Her words trailed off and she huffed another nervous laugh, her gaze falling to the fire. “I know you were only teasing, but the truth is..” Her heart was beating so hard against her chest that it felt like he might hear it from where he stood.“I think I kind of just..” She shrugged, bringing her hands to the sides of her face, fingertips pressed gently into her temples as her palms rested against her cheeks. She swayed her body softly before stilling and releasing an audible breath as her gaze met the floor. Her internal panic was clearly written across her features and her body felt like it was on fire.
“Fell a little bit.” Brown eyes finally returned to his face as the words trembled off her tongue, her expression filled with desire and the fear that threatened to consume her. She dropped her hands slowly as she sighed. “Maybe that’s stupid, too.” She laughed quietly at herself.
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Soleil
29
Single
Lieutenant of the Tresterian Army : Cavalry
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Nathaniel Starke on Oct 10, 2020 20:54:08 GMT -5
Alice had remained silent the whole time he spoke and the longer she went in silence, the more his nervousness and anxiety grew. He watched her expressions change: from confusion to disbelief, hope, sadness, panic, and then nothing at all. It left him feeling way too vulnerable for his liking. Had he made a mistake of being so open with her? This wasn’t like him- he never opened up to anyone- especially not like this. He could barely recognize his own voice as they spoke the words he never thought he’d be saying to anyone. Why was he saying them? She was allowing him to go on without interrupting him, and he wasn’t sure if he should be appreciative or more nervous over the fact. She could have just been being polite and would gently turn him down once he finished speaking, or maybe she was trying to think of what to say to agree with him that he was an idiotic, silly man. Each forced smile, each time she looked away from him, he felt his heart tighten in his chest. This was all a bad idea. He needed to stop before he made himself into an even bigger fool than he already had.
In all honestly, he wasn’t sure what he expected or wanted to hear Alice say. It would make things so much easier if she just laughed in his face and turned him down. Part of him wished that she would because now he was suddenly regretting saying what he had- for being so open, honest, and vulnerable with her. He looked back at her nervously as she stared at him with an expressionless look on her face, causing him to raise a brow in curiosity. He nearly pulled away from her, unable to handle her emotionless stare for much longer- he should just tell her that he didn’t mean any of it and it was time for her to leave.
But then she was finally smiling at him. His brows furrowed slightly as he stared down at her, watching as she raised her chin and pressed a small, gentle kiss on his lips. Nathaniel hadn’t expected that, and it left a confused expression on his face as he regarded her- though she wouldn’t be able to see it, as she kept her eyes closed. He stood motionless, his eyes fixated on her even as she continued to brush her lips against his, teasingly. The action instantly made his heart start to race all over again, and he inhaled a slow and staggered breath before it caught in his throat and he held it, unknowingly.
Even after her kissing him, he still felt she was about to reject him. “I do not think walking away from you could ever be easy… Nathaniel could have sworn his heart stopped in that instant. He expected the word but follow that. But it didn’t. ”...and I already know that I can accept you for who you are.” Brown eyes searched hers as she pulled away slightly and he finally released that breath he had been holding. He didn’t say anything but watched as she pulled his hands from her face and kissed his knuckles. Normally, he would have smiled at the motion, but his nerves were getting the best of him. His eyebrows lowered slightly as he gave her a curious look, “how do you know you already can accept who I am? You...Only know a small piece of who I am.” He frowned slightly, but didn’t dare look away from her. “What if you find something out about me that you don’t like...Or that you can’t handle?” Sometimes he couldn’t even handle who he was- how would anyone else be able to?
“I think I would take any risk for you...” He returned her nervous smile and watched as she stepped away from him. Why did he still feel like she was about to reject him, even though her words sounded like she was willing to try with him? Was she really saying she wanted to take a risk with and for him? His eyes finally diverted from hers and dropped to the floor as he thought quietly to himself. He really wasn’t sure if he could actually go through with this. It would have been a lot easier if she would just blatantly tell him to get lost already… Instead of playing him like this. Then he could just get on with his miserable life as he had been for years.
Alice was suddenly bringing up him sweeping her off her feet again, and he returned his gaze to her with a confused expression. She was struggling to get out her words and he looked at her with a sort of hopeful desperation, yet panic, with each word that managed to escape her. “I think I kind of just..” His heart was thundering, so much so that his chest was nearly heaving with each deep breath he took. He watched as that panic seemingly swarmed over her and it caused him to frown. She pulled her gaze away from him and looked down and he almost closed that gap between them and took her back into his arms, to tell her that she didn’t need to say anything if she did not feel comfortable doing so. He wanted to go to her, yet he couldn’t get his feet to move. Finally, Alice finished what she wanted to say.
"Fell a little bit.” Alice glanced back up at him and he caught the look of desire and fear in her eyes. Maybe she would be able to see the same in his own. His brows furrowed slightly as he stared at her, a bit shocked by her words. As she was dismissing her feelings as stupid, Nathaniel slowly shook his head, his brows lowering over his eyes slightly. “Why is it stupid?” He asked her quietly.
He thought back on the day they had met, at the chase, and the conversation they had. A slow cocky grin formed on his lips and he tilted his head slightly before he spoke, “I told you that you’d be in trouble if you spent a day with me.” He smirked and shook his head before he reached out for her, took hold of her hand, and pulled her close to him again. “You didn’t stand a chance coming here.” His tone was sarcastic and playful and he let a laugh out his nose at himself. Nathaniel squeezed her hand gently before he pulled her against him, wrapped his arms around her, and looked down into her eyes. “You get one more warning from me now, to turn and walk away…To take the easy road...” He was already trying to push her away, seemingly, but he kept a nervous smile on his lips and never removed his eyes from hers. “Otherwise…” His tone fell back into that sarcastic, playful banter that had disappeared for a while, “You can’t say that I didn’t warn you, and I can tell you that I told you so if you grow tired and sick of me.” He lifted a hand to brush the loose strands of hair out of her face and he rested his hand back on her face, his tone falling serious again. “I… Just don’t want to upset or hurt or disappoint you….I am not an easy man to deal with.”
He leaned closer towards her and placed another kiss on her forehead and then whispered against her skin, “I told you at the chase that I felt I had found exactly what I was looking for… And I think that still applies.” He pulled back slightly to look back into her eyes and he smiled slightly, “Maybe that’s stupid, too.” he mimicked her words with a teasing smile.
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Lux
22
Recently Divorced
Lady in waiting/Spy
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Alice Calder on Oct 11, 2020 15:11:57 GMT -5
How did she know she could accept him already? A single laugh escaped her at his question. “What if you find something out about me that you don’t like...Or that you can’t handle?” She chuckled then, shaking her head. “I always accept everyone for who they show me they are.” The statement was absolute. People could pretend well with pretty words, fake smiles and a few jokes. It was pushing them past the limits of their cordiality that told you who they really were and it wasn’t difficult to push peoples’ buttons. “Besides that, I can handle anything.” She said softly, a hint of cockiness in her tone and expression.
She sighed then. This almost didn’t seem fair to him. Maybe it wouldn’t have weighed so heavy on her heart and mind if she had never learned that little snippet of Nate’s past. But, now it had her in a vice grip and she couldn’t quite put it out of her head. Would he think she was just like Audra? She choked back the way that thought made her heart ache.
“Why is it stupid?”
The question caught her off guard and she realized he was looking at her in much the same way she was sure she was looking at him. Her brows furrowed in confusion and she shrugged, the movement slow. “How is it not stupid?” She laughed nervously. They barely knew each other. This was only their third time being face to face… Did he not think she was silly - perhaps even an idiot - for allowing herself to get so deep so quickly?
A single brow twitched upwards at the cocky expression forming on his face. “I told you that you’d be in trouble if you spent a day with me.” Even though Alice laughed, she rolled her eyes, huffing a sigh. Then, his hand was around hers, pulling her closer to him. Brown eyes trailed from their hands to his face as he spoke with playful sarcasm.
When he pulled her against him, his arms wrapping around her small frame, she instinctively pushed against his chest lightly, but willed herself to relax against his hold as she exhaled a deep breath. It had been a subconscious action and she gave him an apologetic half-smile. His closeness was always enough to crush her resolve and she hated that. It made her feel frustrated and naive, perhaps even weak. At the same time, she was really starting to enjoy his arms around her. She kind of hated that a little bit too, though.
He was giving her a warning then, with the option of the “easy road.” Brown eyes searched his with an expression that seemed to say ‘you cannot be serious.’ But he continued, falling into more of a playful banter. With a watchful gaze, she listened, forcing an uneasy laugh. Grow tired or sick of him? Now she knew he couldn’t be serious. Couldn’t he tell that she craved him? Again, it was something she hated and loved all at the same time. She couldn’t get him out of her head when they parted. When they were together, she felt so lost and confused, but somehow impossibly safe and.. right where she was meant to be. Conflicting feelings continuously collided; it was overwhelming.
Nathaniel’s hand caressing her face was always enough to quiet her head and put her at ease. Maybe that’s why she liked it so much. She felt her body warm and her eyes closed against the sensation. Saying he didn’t want to hurt, upset, or disappoint her, an involuntary chuckle escaped her, humming with humor as she shook her head lightly. Repeating the sentiment she was becoming quite familiar with quickly, her eyes opened only as she rolled them at him again.
Another kiss graced her forehead and her eyes fell to her hands that still rested against his chest. She couldn’t bring herself to move them - in case she wanted to push away from him. But he muttered those words against her skin and she stiffened in his embrace, frozen from head-to-toe. Dark eyes met his when he pulled away just enough to look down at her. Still, she did not move.“Maybe that’s stupid, too.” She dropped her gaze, smiling to herself before returning a hopeful, yet nervous, expression to him.
“You know, you tell me you’ll try to not push me away if I don’t give up on you. Then you say you’re warning me to walk away and take the easy road, as if part of you wants me to give up on you..” She shook her head again, sighing. “I’ve never given up easily. You will hate me before I give up on you.” The tone was half-joking, seriousness lingering in the words. Then softly, “I already told you, Nathaniel - if you can’t tell me to go away and mean it, you’re more or less stuck with me.” A smirk pulled up the corners of her lips and she did push away from him then, but only slightly as she gently pulled his hand from her face, placing it against his chest, resting hers over the top and she looked towards the floor.
She regarded him with seriousness, a hint of playfulness behind her expression. “And it is stupid - that you think I am what you were looking for..” Her words trailed off as she smirked. “I feel strangely confident that it is you who will feel differently about me if the day comes that you learn my secrets.” She’d decided to mask all seriousness of the statement with playfulness as she spoke. “But until then..” A soft grin formed along her lips and she moved closer to him, wrapping her arms around his neck, standing on her toes as she hugged him. She pressed a single, gentle kiss against his neck before resting her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes against the warmth of his body so close to hers.
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Soleil
29
Single
Lieutenant of the Tresterian Army : Cavalry
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Nathaniel Starke on Oct 11, 2020 18:37:21 GMT -5
Alice was telling him that she always accepted everyone for who they show her they are. He hadn’t shown her exactly who he was and that’s what he was afraid of. With Alice, he felt he could be a part of himself that he often did not show. The real him, however, was a cold-hearted, reserved man who was a little hard around the edges and not to be bothered. He was a damaged man who was bound to completely break at some point. “And what if you do not like what I end up showing you?” He gave her a serious and curious look. What would Alice say or think if she ever tried to get intimate with him and he turned her down? What would she say or think of she saw all of the scars that laced his body? Would she think any less of him? Would he too much for her to want to handle? She nearly said the words as soon as the thought crossed his mind. “Besides that, I can handle anything.” He forced a small smile. “Of course you can.” He nodded as if agreeing with her. “But what if you don’t want to?” He gave her an uneasy smile before turning his gaze downward for a brief moment as he hesitated. Nathaniel quietly thought for a moment before he shook his head and let out a humorless breathy laugh from his nose. “Aren’t you curious to why Audra went to warn you about me? Why she left me? Why she spread lies about me that she felt I seemingly deserved?” He gave her a curious glance and then let out another small laugh, “Or did she give you some sort of explanation already?”
He knew what Alice was getting at by calling this stupid. Maybe it was to some degree- but if she was stupid, then so was he. Really though, Nathaniel felt it was more about them finding some sort of connection with one another and not wanting to let go of that just yet. And whether it was stupid or just going with that gut instinct, he wasn’t sure. Still- he decided to give her a hard time about it. His tone was somewhat playful, but he attempted to feign offense. “So… What you’re really saying… Is that you find it stupid to fall for someone like me, then? That hurts.” He smirked, then and narrowed his eyes playfully at her.
He hadn’t thought about it carefully as he pulled her against him and he felt her push against him as if he were about to be a threat. It caused him to instantly loosen his grip from around her and he frowned as he looked at her with a softened gaze. He should have known better. Alice had been abused by someone at some point in her life. So had he. He made a mental note to be more aware of that. After she relaxed and gave him the apologetic look, he shook his head at her, as if telling her not to ever apologize to him for something like that. He whispered to her then, his voice quietly echoing in his chest, “I’m sorry.” Nathaniel wanted her to feel safe with him, and he would do whatever he could to remind her that she was- because he understood all too well.
Alice was beginning to make it a habit with rolling her eyes at him, it made him smirk slightly, knowing that she wasn’t going to budge at his last attempt to warn her to let him go and to let him push her away. It didn’t bother him- it was kind of cute, actually. “Your eyes might just get stuck up there with the number of times you’ll probably roll them at me,” he playfully teased her.
He felt her body stiffen after he spoke his words to her, and he couldn’t help but wonder if he had said something wrong, or made her feel uncomfortable. He gave her a concerned look, but when her gaze returned to him with that hopeful and nervous expression, he smiled reassuringly at her.
“...as if part of you wants me to give up on you…” Nathaniel tilted his head in a well, yeah… kind of gesture. That was the point of it. It was what he did. “I’ve never given up easily. You will hate me before I give up on you.” He smiled at her and huffed a small laugh out his nose, nodding once. “And what if you don’t know the difference between me meaning it and not meaning it?” He had gotten quite good at making it seem like he meant it.
Nathaniel watched her as she smirked and stepped away from him, moving his hand from her face to his chest. He looked at her curiously, keeping his eyes on her even when she looked down at the floor. But as she looked back at him with the playful, yet serious expression, his curiosity only grew further. “I feel strangely confident that it is you who will feel differently about me if the day comes that you learn my secrets.” He smirked faintly but gave her a serious look. She had secrets. He had secrets. Didn’t everyone? He sighed quietly as he shrugged his shoulders. “But until then…” He raised a brow as she moved closer, wrapped her arms around his neck, and kissed his neck. He stiffened slightly, the sensation sent chills down his spine and he took a deep breath as she rested her head against his shoulder. She would most likely feel that breath cause his shoulders and chest to deflate slowly as he tried to calm himself. He slowly, and hesitantly wrapped his arms around her torso and kissed the top of her head before whispering to her, “I’m pretty sure you will feel differently about me if you ever find out about my secrets, too.” He fell silent for a moment before releasing a small sigh, “Nothing surprises me anymore, remember?” He smirked despite her unable to see it and he moved a hand to gently hook beneath her chin to urge her to look back up at him. "But until then..." He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips.
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Lux
22
Recently Divorced
Lady in waiting/Spy
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Alice Calder on Oct 11, 2020 21:32:08 GMT -5
“And what if you don’t like what I end up showing you?” She shrugged her shoulders slightly at the question. “I suppose it depends,” came her casual reply. She didn’t think there was anything he could tell her or show her that would change her mind about him. Of course, she would gladly welcome him to try.
That was the second time she’d told him she could handle anything - the second time he’d said ‘of course you can.’ She wondered if he believed that or if he was just saying it. But she threw the curiosity to the side as he asked her a question. What if she didn’t want to? She almost chuckled at the question. Since when did what she wanted matter? Her entire life had been dedicated to taking care of and pleasing the people around her. What she wanted was always second on the list to what everyone else wanted or needed. It wasn’t something she resented - rather, it was something she did not often consider. What if she didn’t want to have to handle something? “I do not give myself a choice in the matter. I see it as a personal responsibility.” She finally told him simply. Maybe it wasn’t a healthy habit or coping mechanism, but she refused to back down from anything. That was akin to showing weakness and would see herself dead before she backed down from anyone or anything ever again. She may not have been strong enough to carry her own burdens, but she’d always been more than strong enough to carry others’ burdens.
“Aren’t you curious as to why Audra went to warn you about me? Why she left me? Why she spread lies about me that she felt I seemingly deserved?” Alice revealed nothing in her expression. “Or did she give you some sort of explanation already?” Silently cursing, her gaze fell to the floor as that question passed his lips and she looked up, resisting the urge to roll her eyes out of frustration. A heavy sigh escaped her lungs and she pressed her lips into a hard line. “She gave me something of an explanation, but I do not think any of it matters..” She lowered her head though her eyes remained on him from beneath her lashes as she spoke carefully. It was as if she were gauging him. If it seemed like it was going to spiral them into round three of an emotional beating for the night, she decided she would have to refuse to speak of it any further than that. Even so, she had a feeling he was going to ask.
One of the main reasons Alice seemed to feel that this - that she - was stupid was due to the length of time. It had taken Darion almost a month to catch Alice’s attention in a romantic way. Yet Nathaniel came along and in mere days, she was nearly smitten. Listening to his teasing remark, she smirked. “Hurts, huh? That is strange-” She squinted her eyes as she paused, returning his playfulness. “I was under the impression you did not want me to fall for you.” She challenged, teasing him about the constant ‘what-ifs’ he seemed to be presenting her with tonight.
As he shook his head at her apologetic look, she dropped her eyes away from him, a frown pulling down at the corners of her mouth. She gave a confused expression as the words ‘I’m sorry’ were whispered off his tongue. “It is not your fault.” She whispered back, offering what she could of a smile. But her heart drummed in her chest at the words. She didn’t even know what he was apologizing for. Was it because he’d pulled her into him? Was he apologizing because something in her past led her to have such reactions to certain motions? Because he thought she felt unsafe at that moment? Maybe he was apologizing for all those reasons and more. Either way, she felt her statement still stood. It wasn’t his fault, no matter the reason he apologized.
As he made a remark about the number of times she rolled her eyes, she huffed a single laugh and gave him a mock exasperated expression. “If only you knew how many times I’ve refrained from rolling my eyes.” She chuckled as she shook her head.
She may not have been able to continue with her piece if it wasn’t for his reassuring smile. It had a way of making her feel.. calm. He questioned her then, about how she’d be able to tell the difference between him meaning and not meaning telling her to go away. She shrugged at him again. “If I cannot tell the difference, then you did not convince me you meant it.” A cocky smirk spread across her lips. “Though I suppose it would hardly matter if you did mean it. I don’t usually listen very well.” She admitted casually. Sadly, it was true and, in fact, she typically did the opposite of what she was told. It could be quite infuriating.
She felt him release the breath in his chest and she resisted the urge to chuckle. Surely she would have had the same reaction. But as his arms wrapped around her torso, she listened to his words, the way he sighed before speaking again, a sad smile spreading across her lips until his fingers curled beneath her chin, sending that now-familiar wave of electricity through her body. Her eyes met his as he repeated her earlier words, pressing his lips softly to hers. She returned his gentle kiss before pulling away to look at him, smiling as she gave him a mischievous grin. “So what happens if I learn all your secrets and it changes nothing about how I feel or see you?” She tilted her head curiously as she met his eyes with a questioning grin.
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Soleil
29
Single
Lieutenant of the Tresterian Army : Cavalry
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Nathaniel Starke on Oct 12, 2020 23:10:25 GMT -5
Nathaniel let out a small laugh and gave her a questioning glance, “It depends? On what?” He raised his brow before he gave her that cocky grin of his and his voice filled with heavy insinuation. “And I’m not just talking about showing you outwardly appearance things that you may or may not like--” His tone changed to a more sarcastic one, “You’ve already made it quite clear that you are disgusted by me… With my bad genes and all. I mean- I’m glad you can look past all of that and all... ” He shook his head and chuckled again before taking a deep breath and releasing it and then he was back to being serious, “No--But I just mean…” He shrugged. “I don’t know- sometimes first impressions are good...Until you get to really know a person.” He had experienced this far too many times in his life.
Much like Alice, Nathaniel almost always put others before himself. His feelings didn’t matter. He did things that were asked of him regardless if he wanted to or not. Within reason, of course… And when his fears didn’t take over. Despite having the same mindset, hearing Alice’s words: “I do not give myself a choice in the matter. I see it as a personal responsibility,” caused him to pause and give her a curious glare. No, he didn’t like hearing her admit this, especially when it came to anything that might involve him. He shook his head firmly, his brows lowering as he stared at her. “You are not...and never will be, responsible for anyone but yourself, Alice…” He studied her for a moment before speaking again, “Especially with me. I’m not going to sit here and let you ruin your life, be unhappy, or trapped, dealing with me, or anyone else for that matter, because you’re too proud or too scared or worried about what I will think...Or how I will feel. You matter, too…” He looked into her eyes for a long moment, his gaze intense and stern, as if trying to get his point across even more than his words could.
“She gave me something of an explanation, but I do not think any of it matters..” Nathaniel raised his brow and looked at Alice with curiosity. Of course it mattered- didn’t it? Audra had spread lies about him raping her-- It would sort of be nice to know what other lies she was spreading about him. He studied Alice, getting a sense that she didn’t really wish to disclose what was said, (which to him, only meant it was most likely not pleasant) but she had come here to tell him just that in the first place. He dipped his head down slightly and raised a brow as if gesturing that he was waiting for her to tell him what it was. “Tell me,” he quietly asked. Or maybe gently demanded, his expression giving away that he sort of deserved to know what was said about him, didn’t he?
He smirked slightly and shrugged a shoulder. “Oh were you now?” He questioned her regarding her being under the impression that he did not want her to fall for him. With all of his pushing, maybe so. He shook his head and narrowed his eyes playfully at her. “If I didn’t want you to fall for me... You wouldn’t still be in this room with me right now.” His words perhaps indicating that he could push a lot harder if he really wanted to. Or he could just be a complete asshole to get people to leave him alone.
Nathaniel had caused her that brief moment of fear to come rushing to her, enough for her to react and try to push him away before she realized it. For that, he was sorry. Regardless of if it was his fault, he still provoked it. When she dismissed his apology, he frowned slightly and shook his head. “Maybe not initially…” He said gently, looking into her eyes as if trying to reassure her. “But I should have known better than to pull you into me without telling or asking you… So, for that, I’m sorry.” He lifted his hands to curl around hers, holding them against his chest still. He stared into her eyes as if he wanted to tell her something. He wanted to tell her how much he could understand and relate to the fears. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to say what he wanted to. “I know that I can tell you I will never hurt you and that you don’t need to put up your guard with me… It’s easy to just say the words.” He gave her an uneasy, yet reassuring smile. “But in your own time, you’ll figure that out for yourself. And all I can do is patiently wait and remind and show you that my words aren't just that.” He lifted one of her hands and placed a soft kiss to her knuckles before releasing both her hands. If only she knew how much these words pertained to himself, too- How difficult it was for him to hear exactly what he was saying or suggesting to her.
He wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing that she rolled her eyes at him so much- maybe she just already could see right through him and knew how to call his bullshit. Or maybe she just didn’t want to believe him. Or he embarrassed her. Whatever the reason behind her rolling her eyes at him, he still found it kind of cute. “Maybe that just means you’ll get sick of me sooner than you are thinking... If all I do is make you want to roll your eyes at me.” He teased her playfully.
He supposed Alice’s point was valid. If she wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between him meaning whether or not he wanted to push her away, then she’d not be convinced. While that seemed like such a logical answer, he still doubted it. He knew he could push and push, to the point where either someone gave up, or they started to believe that was really what he wanted. Sometimes even he didn’t know what he wanted. “Though I suppose it would hardly matter if you did mean it. I don’t usually listen very well.” Nathaniel smirked slightly and shrugged his shoulders, “I thought you said that even you had a limit?” He raised a brow challenging her slightly. Had she not said that earlier? Something about her being able to take a hint that she wasn’t wanted after so many pushes. Nathaniel knew he’d test those limits soon enough.
“So what happens if I learn all your secrets and it changes nothing about how I feel or see you?” Nathaniel stared back into Alice’s eyes as she questioned him. His brown eyes shifted back and forth between hers as if searching them for something. No one had ever learned any of his secrets, so he honestly wasn’t sure how to answer her question. At least not right away. His gaze fell down to her lips and he thought for a moment longer before he was looking back into her eyes again. He gave her an uneasy smile, and his stare became more intense, filled with some strange look of hope mixed with desire. A saddened breath of a laugh left his nose and he shrugged a single shoulder. “Then you’d be the first,” he said, somewhat lacking any emotion because that was the reality of it all- he had grown numb and used to it. No one had gotten to know him well enough to know his secrets. Though, he was sure Alice might interpret that as people’s opinions of him changing once they learned more about him. He didn’t bother to specify which he meant, though. Did it matter? They both sort of applied in his own mind.
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Lux
22
Recently Divorced
Lady in waiting/Spy
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Alice Calder on Oct 15, 2020 23:45:37 GMT -5
He was questioning her about what it depended on and she raised a brow at him, but he was soon giving her that cocky expression, his tone somewhat suggestive as he continued to speak. Tilting her head as she regarded him with playfully narrowed eyes, she chuckled softly at his sarcasm, shaking her head slowly. Then he was falling back into his usual state of seriousness and Alice shrugged at his words. “First impressions can be misleading.” She agreed with a nod. “But I have shown you exactly who I am from the start and I’d like to trust-” She looked at him with a pointed gaze as the word crossed her lips with slight exaggeration, “-that you have also shown me who you are from the start.” Even her expression seemed uncertain in that moment as she sighed.
Dropping her gaze to the floor, she chuckled lightly before looking at him again, a mischievous spark in her dark eyes. “And that’s sort of what it depends on.” She shrugged, the gesture half-hearted. “The person that you are now, that you’ve shown me so far, takes precedence over everything else. Whatever is in your past, whatever person you used to be, cannot and will not sway my current opinion of you.” ‘Within reason..’ She didn’t say the words. She could already imagine how he’d twist them, perhaps even use them against her. But, so long as he wasn’t a cold-blooded murderer or some sort of manic psychopath, she was certain she could handle anything he threw at her and she was determined to do just that.
He was glaring at her then and she felt her nervousness begin to rise, starting from the pit of her stomach before extending to her chest, causing her heart to begin to race. “You are not, and never will be, responsible for anyone but yourself, Alice…” She was already shaking her head at him as he studied her before his voice rang between them again. Listening to his words, she held her breath, partly out of frustration, partly because of the opposing argument that lingered on the back of her tongue. “... because you’re too proud or too scared or worried about what I will think...Or how I will feel. You matter, too…” Too proud? Again, she was suppressing the urge to roll her eyes at him. Biting her bottom lip, she released the breath she’d been holding in a loud huff, shaking her head at him a second time. “I know that I matter.” She chuckled, the sound lacking humor. “But you also matter.” She returned his sternness with matched intensity. “I may be proud, but I’m not so proud that I cannot make good decisions for myself.” She pursed her lips before offering him the most genuine smile she could.
“You know, you speak of yourself as if you’re going to be a burden to me.” Her eyes met him with a softness that almost looked sad. “Saying things like ‘ruin your life’, ‘be unhappy’, and ‘trapped.’” She lowered her gaze momentarily before looking back up at him. “You are not and could never be a burden to me.” Her eyes flicked between his as she whispered the words. “I’ve been through that before; having my life ruined, feeling trapped - unhappy..” Her gaze fell to her feet. “This isn’t that.” The words were absolute as they left her tongue as she gestured between them.
Surprisingly, he hadn’t asked. Instead, it was more of a demand to know what Audra had said and Alice tilted her head, brows furrowing as she gave him a hardened expression. She almost made a smart remark, told him he’d get no information with that sort of attitude. But, just this once, she decided to let go of her disdain of authority. Even so, she was silent as she watched him, still trying to gauge his reactions. Finally, with a defeated breath, “She said that you were not intimate with her, that all you’d ever do is hold her hand or kiss her.” She should just stop there, leave it at that, but she couldn’t. He wanted to know - he’d sort of asked, she supposed - so perhaps it was best to just get this all out of the way. Closing her eyes as if trying to recall her conversation in its entirety with Audra, she just didn’t feel she’d have the nerve to look at him as she spoke. “She said you scared her, hurt her when you pushed her off you and into the floor.. She said you didn’t even ask if she was alright.” Alice shrugged as she opened her brown eyes to look at him again. “She says there is something really wrong with you, despite how perfect you seem. That is why she wanted to warn me. She seems to think that you will bring me some sort of harm somehow.” She chuckled softly, shaking her head again. “It was all stupid, silly nonsense that doesn’t matter to me.” She shrugged again, as if nonchalant about the matter, yet her eyes held a little of her fear, putting it on display against her will.
Even in their more playful states, Alice could still feel the slight tension in the air. Stemming from fear, excitement, desire, and confusion, it was no surprise that the two of them were going through the motions with such ferocity that it was exhausting. Still, anytime that smirk crossed his lips, she felt herself ease. He questioned her first, speaking afterwards and with an implicative tone. “If I didn’t want you to fall for me... You wouldn’t still be in this room with me right now.” Her brows set heavy over her eyes as she watched him curiously. “Is that so?” She asked defiantly. “Are you implying you do want me to fall for you?” She challenged teasingly, smirking a cocky smile.
Even though she’d told him it wasn’t his fault, he was still apologizing. She knew it was because of his actions, but it felt more like her reaction was why he was saying sorry. She hated that. As his hands curled around hers, pulling them to his chest, she stared back at him, brown eyes softening as he began to speak again, her curiosity piqued by that look on his face. Why did it feel like he was holding something back? As much as she wanted to, she wouldn’t press him further than she already had. She was certain she was pushing her luck at this point. His words seemed to resound within her, like an echo or a mirror of himself and she gave him a fearful smile. The soft kiss to her knuckles coaxed a smile across her full lips before he dropped her hands. Almost as soon as he’d released them, they’d found his face, gently resting against his cheeks as she stared up at him. “It was a subconscious reaction. I know that you will not hurt me, Nathaniel.” The words were genuine as she spoke, her thumbs grazing slowly across his skin in a soft touch. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I just…” She trailed off as she thought for a moment. “I reacted poorly and I apologize.” Her hands dropped to his shoulders. She already had a good idea of what he was going to respond to her apology, but she was also entirely ready to protest. “With that being said, I cannot promise that I won’t have reactions like that.. But I can promise it will never be your fault.” Her tone was gentle.
At the mention that she may get tired of him sooner rather than later, on account of her rolling her eyes no less, she chuckled. “You say that, but the next time you see my brother, ask him how many times I roll my eyes at him.” She shook her head slightly, smiling humorously. “And I could never be sick of Reese.” She paused as a mischievous smile took over her expression. “I’m sure it will be the same for you. Maybe.” She said half-teasingly with a shrug.
“I thought you said that even you had a limit?” She nodded, dropping her eyes to the floor. “Everyone has a limit, but I think you’ll find that my limits stretch much farther than most peoples’.” She told him, and it was true. Despite the sarcastic remarks and overall deadpan attitude and expressions, Alice was a patient woman. Forcibly so at times, but still patient nonetheless. She was curious to see if he really could push her limits, and what would happen if he did.
He stared at her for a moment after her question. When his gaze fell to her lips, she let a soft smile turn up the corners of her mouth as she tilted her head slightly, the stray curls that had fallen from her bun tickling her face. Tucking them behind her ear, she listened as he uttered a simple statement. A real smile took over and Alice tilted her chin upwards towards him, allowing her lips to brush softly against his as her eyes closed against the sensation. Then, she whispered impossibly softly against his lips. “I will be honored to be the first.” She said, her tone light-hearted despite how seriously she meant the words. Pulling away to fully look at his face, her expression was soft, nearly filled with the desire she almost couldn’t contain. “If you’ll allow me, that is...” Why did saying that out loud suddenly fill her with so much panic?
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Soleil
29
Single
Lieutenant of the Tresterian Army : Cavalry
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Nathaniel Starke on Oct 16, 2020 16:50:13 GMT -5
He couldn’t help but chuckle as she explained her relationship with her brother and the number of times she rolled her eyes at him. “Hmm... Then maybe you just don’t tolerate things as well if you go about rolling your eyes at everything.” He smirked and shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe it’s not your brother or me that’s the problem,” he playfully accused her. There certainly was a tension in the room and all around them. It made the air thick and hard to breathe. It took so much for Nathaniel to keep himself grounded when he felt as if his skin was the only thing keeping him together, preventing himself from going everywhere. The exhaustion was sinking in- not the physical exhaustion as in the kind of exhaustion that wanted to make you sleep for days- but rather, the emotional kind. He wasn’t sure how much more of this emotional rollercoaster he’d be able to handle in just one night. “Are you implying you do want me to fall for you?” He allowed a small smirk to form on his lips and he tilted his head to meet a shrug of his shoulder. “Maybe,” he said simply and nonchalantly. He couldn’t very well openly admit that he really did want her to. And that maybe he was falling for her a little, too. He had been trying to push her away this entire night, on various occasions, but he was contradicting himself in telling her that she wouldn’t still be in this room with him if he didn’t want her to fall for him- that he openly was telling her that he pushed and did not always mean it. But yes... He was certain he would test Alice’s limit at some point. “Everyone has a limit, but I think you’ll find that my limits stretch much farther than most peoples’.” He nodded in understanding and gave her a small smile. “Mine too…” He quietly whispered. “It was a subconscious reaction. I know that you will not hurt me, Nathaniel.” He frowned. Still, it was a subconscious reaction that he had sparked. He was used to those subconscious reactions himself, and it saddened him that she dealt with the same. His eyes fell to hers as she took his face into her hands, so soon after he had released them. She was apologizing to him and he shook his head at her after she pulled her hands from his face and rested them on his shoulders. “Don’t you dare apologize, Alice. Not for that. You reacted the way you are used to reacting and I will never fault you for that.” He looked at her with a serious and genuine expression. He knew how she felt. No one had ever told him it was alright to feel the way he did though. But then again, no one knew. “With that being said, I cannot promise that I won’t have reactions like that... But I can promise it will never be your fault.” Nathaniel gave her a reassuring smile and nodded. “Alright.” He lifted a hand to gently brush against her cheek as he looked into her eyes. “And I’ll always try to remind you that you’re safe.”Trust. There was that word again. His brown eyes wavered between hers, searching them for her honesty. Had he shown her who he really was from the start? He could easily say yes and no to that because he felt there were different parts of him reserved for different situations and different people. Was that wrong? He stared at her for a moment, but before he could say anything, Alice was speaking again. “The person that you are now, that you’ve shown me so far, takes precedence over everything else. Whatever is in your past, whatever person you used to be, cannot and will not sway my current opinion of you.” Nathaniel’s lips twitched slightly with a hint of a smile. He felt a panic slightly rise into his throat, causing it to tighten, making it difficult to speak at that moment. Whatever was in his past. Alice had no idea just how much his past took over his present still, whether he wanted it to or not. He swallowed the hard lump in his throat and simply nodded, keeping his gaze on her eyes. His lips parted to speak, but he hesitated for a moment as he tried to form the words he wanted to say. Finally, he cleared his throat, trying to rid whatever panic remained there. His voice was low and rumbled in his chest as he spoke, “I believe that I have been my truest self when I have been with you…” He forced a small smile, “but if you were to ask your brother, or any of the other soldiers, their opinion of me- it might be somewhat different from yours.” Maybe that was normal, though, for a soldier. Still- he wondered if that version of himself would frighten Alice if she ever saw it. Sometimes he felt like the monster within him was released whenever he needed to fight. Alice shook her head at him in argument against his words as he spoke them. Did she honestly believe that she was responsible for everyone else? He half expected her to speak that argument when she finally parted her lips to speak, instead, she acknowledged his words, that she knew she mattered. “But you also matter.” Her words caused him to look down and away from her. He looked at his shoes as the words rolled in his mind. He mattered? Since when? No one had ever uttered those words to him before and that made them sound so foreign to him that he wasn’t certain he could believe them. He huffed a single breath of a saddened laugh from his nose as he shook his head. He didn’t matter, though. He lifted his brown eyes to meet with hers again when she repeated his words of him being a burden to her, that he would ruin her life and make her unhappy and trapped. “You are not and could never be a burden to me.” His gaze wavered again and it was difficult to keep his eyes on hers as he tried to hide the sadness that washed over him. How could she say such a thing without knowing him? Without knowing how he was? He looked down and closed his eyes, chewing the inside of his cheek and he shook his head before her whispered voice pulled his attention back to her. She had already had her life ruined and felt trapped and unhappy. So why, then, was she not heeding his warnings to prevent the same from happening to her again? Did she really not believe him? “This isn’t that.” She gestured between them, her gaze shifting down to her feet. He frowned and studied her for a moment, uncertain of what to say. He felt like an imposture in his own body. What did she see in him that he did not? How could he explain why he felt his words were true, (that they had been things ingrained into his mind by Baldric, by several girls- especially Audra) when he did not want to share that part of his life with Alice. He just shook his head and lifted a hand, setting a finger under her chin to urge her gaze back at him. He forced an uneasy smile and placed his hand on her cheek as he looked back into her eyes. When he spoke, his words were hesitant as he struggled to say what he wanted to. “But you barely know me…” He breathed a sigh out his nose and let his eyes drop away from hers for a brief moment before returning them. “I…” He shook his head slightly and a saddened laugh escaped his nose. “When all you’ve been told in your life has been…” He cut himself off, feeling his chest tighten, his throat close- No, he couldn’t do this. He let his hand fall from her face and rested on her upper arm as he looked back down at his feet, shaking his head again. Alice couldn’t know how broken he was- how weak he truly was. He didn’t want her to. Nathaniel didn’t let himself continue his sentence, instead, he spoke what would have been the ending part of it, perhaps allowing Alice to put the pieces together herself. Maybe it was obvious enough and given away by his whole demeanor. “...It’s hard to believe anything else,” he whispered, defeated and disappointed in himself for allowing her to see this unconfident and insecure side of himself. Nathaniel watched Alice as she released that defeated breath and began to tell him what Audra had told her. He was half expecting to hear lies- of whatever Audra interpreted as the problem with him was. But as Alice told him, and everything was the truth, he began to feel that panic set in again. He hadn’t been intimate with Audra. He scared her. He hurt her. The very things that Alice probably did not want to hear he was capable of. He let his head drop as he looked down at the floor. There was something wrong with him, and Audra wanted to warn Alice about him- that he would harm her, too. He closed his eyes and lifted a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose as he processed Alice’s words. It wasn’t until he heard her laugh and call it stupid, silly nonsense, did he look back at her with a slight intense stare, his brows furrowing. He honestly wasn’t sure if he should be angry or relieved that Alice didn’t seem to care what Audra had told her. He didn’t know if she wanted an explanation or if he needed to give her one, but perhaps a normal person would defend themselves and give some sort of response. “And none of that worried you enough to stay away from me? That I scared and hurt her?” He took a step away from her and shook his head. “I’m surprised she was honest with you.” He gave Alice a pointed look as he folded his arms over his chest, raising a brow and tilting his head in a manner that would gesture along with an I told you so. He sighed and shook his head as he looked down for a moment as he thought quietly to himself. Maybe he could try to explain some of it. He slowly looked back at her, chewing the inside of his cheek again. “Our relationship was a strained one. I think we were only together for six months? It was less than a year. But I didn’t feel anything for her. As I told you before… Our fathers set us up and I did not want to disappoint mine because he was adamant about it. So…” He shrugged his shoulders and let his arms drop from his chest, setting one of his hands on his waist, the other moving to his face where he rubbed his face with it in frustration. He had mostly just gone through the motions of being in a relationship because he felt he had to. Audra had different ideas though, and he couldn’t give her what she wanted- he was never going to be the type of guy she wanted him to be and she was constantly trying to change him for it. Nathaniel really didn’t want to get into much detail about any of this, but part of him felt he needed to explain something. “I did not mean to scare or hurt her…” He said quietly, unsure of how to tell Alice what had happened. “She...couldn’t accept that I had no interest in her. Even though I tried pushing her away, urged her to leave me so she could be happy elsewhere…” He shrugged. “She preferred trying to force me to be someone I’m not to try and fit into what she did want?” He wasn’t sure if he was explaining that correctly. “If I would just wear this instead of that… I would look more attractive…If I ate my food a certain way, I’d be less obnoxious to her. That if I just...” He let out an annoyed laugh and shook his head. He didn’t want to get into all of this with Alice, but now, it was just coming out on its own accord. He had kept it all pent up inside of him and this was the first time he was getting it out, letting someone know how he had felt in dealing with Audra. She had been horribly controlling and manipulative, yet he couldn’t seem to put into words just how badly she had treated him. Was he even allowed to admit that sort of thing? It was hardly ever heard of that a woman mistreated a man, but more so the other way around. He shrugged his shoulders and looked away from Alice. “I have no excuse for pushing her to the floor and yelling at her the way I did. I wish I could take that part back… But when you are pushed and pulled and forced into losing your own self because it’s not to someone’s liking and they refuse to give up…” He looked back at Alice, his brows furrowing. “There’s only so many times you can say no before you realize just saying it isn’t enough.” It still wasn’t a good enough excuse- not to him. But it was all he had, and if that made him a horrible person, well, then- he couldn’t change what he had done. He watched Alice’s reaction, unsure if that would be what would finally push her away- make her want to leave. Audra had been correct in what she had told her, and he had just admitted to Alice that she had been truthful. He sighed quietly and looked down, defeated. “As I have already told you before and what I’ve been trying to tell you all along… I’m really not easy to deal with... I am not a good man. There is nothing good about me.”
*** He watched Alice’s lips form a smile just before she tilted her chin towards him and brushed her lips softly against his. He inhaled deeply through his nose, his own lips parting slightly as if desperate to feel more. She was whispering against his lips and it caused him to close his own eyes as he released that breath slowly. He felt her pull away slightly, causing him to open his eyes to find hers. Her expression, the look of desire in her eyes, was enough to make him halt in his breathing, his heart instantly quickening in its beat. “If you’ll allow me, that is...” He looked at her with an intense gaze, reflecting that same desire that shown in her eyes. Oh, how badly he wanted this--Her, despite how terrified he was. Despite how doubtful he felt that whatever this was between them wouldn’t last- it never did. He wasn’t supposed to feel this way- to feel happy. No, he couldn’t do this. He placed his hands on both her shoulders and held her away at an arm’s length as he looked her over, his eyes never parting from hers. He seemed so conflicted at that moment as if he were about to try and push her away again. Nathaniel started to shake his head but stopped himself midway before returning his gaze to her. He couldn’t seem to speak or do anything but stare- his eyes wavering back and forth between hers, searching for an answer. He finally shook his head again, removing his hands from her shoulders and quickly placing them back to her cheeks, gently pulling her closer to him as he leaned in closer, closing the space between them. He pressed his lips firmly against hers, allowing all of his emotions, his feelings, and desires to spill into it. His kiss, hopefully answering her question.
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Lux
22
Recently Divorced
Lady in waiting/Spy
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Alice Calder on Oct 17, 2020 2:02:17 GMT -5
While she knew he was only teasing, she couldn’t help but find some truth in those words. Maybe she was, in fact, the problem. If nothing else, his words had her thinking, wondering is perhaps she didn’t handle things as well as she thought. But then, Audra had been the first person she’d truly lashed out at and Alice had suffered much worse things than a visit from Nate’s jealous, nosey ex. Certainly if she didn’t handle things well, many more people would be able to attest to her lack of patience and emotional control.
When Nate answered her question with a ‘maybe’, she’d silently huffed a laugh through her nose. Despite his words and actions, maybe she really did have their interactions all wrong. Was she only hearing and seeing what she wanted to? Was it possible that she was allowing herself to be blinded by emotion? Was she experiencing tunnel vision? She wasn’t quite sure what to say, so she settled on saying nothing. She was starting to feel it might be best that way after all. Her mouth had already caused too much trouble tonight. Perhaps she should just excuse herself to leave.. She should push the way that he did, she knew she should. But he was telling her that his limits, much like hers, could go further than the average person’s. It caused her to give him a doubtful expression. She could push him to his limit, too. That much she was certain of.
“Don’t you dare apologize, Alice. Not for that.” The surprise was written across her face at those words. He was the first to ever utter such a thing to her and it almost made her feel out of place. Why didn’t he take her apology and shove the blame down her throat like everyone else? The sensation of his hand brushing across her cheek pulled her away from the question. As he told her he’d always remind her that she was safe, an uneasy smile spread across her lips, but it was quick to fade as she dropped her gaze from him. She didn’t need his protection or reassurance. She didn’t need to feel safe. Feeling safe meant her guard was down and her guard should never be down. Yet, here she was, consistently disarmed by him. Just like she’d been with Darion..
The thought made her stomach churn uncomfortably and she felt she might vomit. It didn’t help that Nathaniel opened his mouth to speak, only to hesitate against the words he seemed to want to say. It only served to increase her anxiety at that moment. Why was she putting herself through this? Why didn’t she just go the hell home and forget any of this ever happened?
He was clearing his throat then, his voice reverberating within his chest as he finally spoke the words on his tongue. “I believe that I have been my truest self when I have been with you…” Why did he have to say such pretty things to her? It made her heart ache with intense sadness despite the smile she wore.
His following statement nearly made her chuckle against the anxiousness that consumed her, but she suppressed it, shrugging softly instead. “I am positive that anyone you spoke to pertaining to myself would likely have very different opinions of me than you do as well.” She told him simply. “But, in regards to your earlier statement.. I am glad you’ve shown me your truest self.” She breathed a laugh. “And I suppose the same applies to me.. This is the closest to ‘me’ I’ve ever felt…” The words almost sounded sad and - adding to her very short list - she regretted saying them. Again, she’d pushed herself to another ledge she couldn’t back down from. Why couldn’t she stop doing that to herself?
Much like she’d shaken her head at him, he was now shaking his head at her and it nearly caused her to huff in frustration. Did he really think he didn’t matter? Or was there something she’d missed that he was shaking his head at. Perhaps she hadn’t understood his words and that was why. Of course, if that were so, she was sure he would have corrected her, right? Pressing her lips into a hard line, she decided to let it go. After all, words meant nothing without actions backing them. In most cases at least.
Even with her gaze at her feet, she could still feel the air change around them. Perhaps he’d never understand her words.. But a finger curling under her chin again shut down her train of thought as brown eyes were guided back to his face. Even with the uneasy smile across his lips, she could see a hint of sadness behind his dark eyes. It made her heart ache, more so as he began to speak. For the second - or perhaps third - time, he was reminding her that she barely knew him. She gave a single nod against the hand that he rested on her cheek. Of course she barely knew him, but he also barely knew her. How was it that two strangers could begin to feel.. Whatever it was they seemed to feel? But again, Alice quickly reminded herself that she was probably only seeing what she wanted to and she decided to let her mind clear, to observe and listen as if she weren’t attached.. Or, at the very least, she tried to.
He looked away and then back to her, beginning to speak but hesitating on the words again. Alice tilted her head and she regarded him with curiosity. Then, after a moment, “When all you’ve been told in your life has been…” She swallowed against the sadness that welled in her throat. He didn’t need to say anything else for her to understand what he was telling her. She felt herself saddened further when his hand fell from her face, resting now on her upper arm. A hand went reassuringly to his and she offered a soft smile, though it was a forced expression. “...It’s hard to believe anything else.” She breathed a heartbroken breath, gaze soft - almost apologetic - as she looked up at him. What was she supposed to say to him now? Words he wouldn’t believe? What good would that do? Deciding to try, her voice was gentle as she spoke slowly. “I understand where you are coming from.” She gave his hand at her arm a gentle squeeze. “So for as long as you allow me around, I will show you with actions instead of telling you with meaningless words.” The statement sounded much more sure of herself that she felt right now.
She’d purposely left out the part where Audra had said she suspected he was gay or “it didn’t work down there,” as she’d put it. Those were nothing more than assumptions and she wouldn’t repeat them, especially not now. So much had already been said tonight and it was nearly more than she could possibly stand. At his clear frustration, she wished she wouldn’t have told him, even if he’d asked - in his own way. But the words had been said and now all she could do was wait patiently for his reaction.
As he finally began to speak, taking a step away from her, she dropped her gaze away from him, swallowing against the emotion that rose in her throat as she listened. “I’m here, aren’t I?” The words were soft, perhaps barely audible as she muttered them. Maybe she, too, was surprised that Audra had been honest with her. But, her honesty hardly mattered. Alice couldn’t believe that Audra had expected their encounter to go any differently after the way she had behaved at the ball. But, Nathaniel pulled her from that thought as he folded his arms across his chest. She looked up only to meet his pointed gaze. She glared at him when he gave her that look of ‘I told you so,’ but he hadn’t seen it yet as he looked away briefly. But as his eyes slowly met her face again, her intense stare remained, anger clear behind the expression. Her arms folded over her chest tightly, hands digging into the fabric of her gray long-sleeve as she listened to him begin to explain. She didn’t want or need his explanation, but if he felt the need to give it, she would accept it.
Even with his frustration still quite clear, Alice’s expression softened slightly, her anger diminishing even though she continued to glare at him. He was telling her he hadn’t meant to hurt or scare Audra and Alice sighed quietly to herself, eyes drifting towards the fire where they settled. “She...couldn’t accept that I had no interest in her. Even though I tried pushing her away, urged her to leave me so she could be happy elsewhere…” Dark eyes found him again with a curious gaze. He’d openly admitted that he’d try to push her away, too, so did that mean he wasn’t interested in her either? Had he not meant all the other things he said? What made Alice so different to him that any part of their situation would be any different? Maybe he’d only been telling her what she wanted to hear after all. That thought was enough to make her heart constrict, lips pulling into a hard line as she removed any emotion from her face; even the glare was gone.
She couldn’t help the way his words twisted her heart. The constant push and pull was wearing her down much more quickly that she imagined, but she felt her features soften as she watched him, listening to his annoyed laugh, wanting nothing more than to wrap him in her arms. Perhaps that would only serve to make her feel better. But her feelings didn’t matter - his did. That’s likely the reason why as he continued his explanation, all she could think about was comforting him.. Even though he was admitting all these things to her, she felt in her gut that he hadn’t had bad intentions, even if Audra seemed insistent on painting the picture that way.
“There’s only so many times you can say no before you realize just saying it isn’t enough.” That struck a chord. She breathed against a broken sob, willing away the tears that filled her eyes as she was immediately plunged into her past again. Telling Darion no had never been an option. She’d learned that the hard way the first time she’d declined his advances. She was his wife, he’d told her, so she was to fulfill her wifely duties, no matter what she wanted. And then that poor girl that Darion made his helpless victim.. Alice could only image that if the interaction escalated to rape, she’d also told Darion no, but it had been no use and he’d taken what he wanted from her, just like he’d done to Alice more than once. To know that even Nathaniel had struggled with telling someone no more than once, only for it to end up the way it had in the long-run almost made her blood boil. Tightening the hold she had on her folded arms, her gaze fell away from him, one hand lifting to wipe at her eyes as she sighed, the sound clearly conveying how close she was to breaking right then and there. But she held herself together as best she could, not sure what to say. Perhaps that’s why she was relieved when Nate spoke again, but irritated slightly by his words.
She shook her head furiously. “Stop it.” She snapped, a hardened expression finding his face again. “You are not the bad guy in that situation.” She whispered, her tone still firm, breaking on the words slightly. “As you said, sometimes just saying no isn’t enough, and I-” She stopped herself, looking away from him. She didn’t want to tell him that she understood all too well, better than he could possibly imagine. She couldn’t bring herself to tell him that she’d been in situations like that, only she hadn’t had the luxury of scaring away the insistent party for good. He’d taken what he wanted in the end and she’d hardly even fought back.. The way she’d loved Darion made it nearly impossible to bring harm to him, even if he was doing the unthinkable to her. She was weak for that, pathetic even and that thought was soul-crushing.
She’d expected him to push her to arms lengths after her approach, especially given the nature of their conversation. Still, the look in his eyes nearly broke the barrier that contained the hurt she was feeling in her chest and gut at the gesture. Had she pushed him too far? Done something he didn’t like? Maybe this was his way of showing her he wasn’t interested after all.
She’d begun to take another step away from him so that his hands would no longer be on her shoulders, but just as she began to move, his hands were on her face, gently pulling her back into him. Confusion flooded her and as his lips met hers and a noise that mimicked a soft, surprised groan escaped her. Her brows furrowed as dark eyes closed to return his kiss. Her hands traveled up his chest and around his neck, pulling him closer to her as she let herself sink into him, her craving and longing for his touch, for him, being poured into each moment their lips met. She felt breathless beneath each flood of emotions that washed over her in heavy doses. She couldn’t keep doing this…
A final soft kiss was placed against his lips before she took a step away from him, dropping her hands from him and wrapping them around herself, eyes closed tightly shut as she shook against every feeling that threatened to strangle her. Her chest heaved with each deep breath she took to fight back everything that wanted so badly to spill out of her. Pain coursed through her chest, making her feel as if she were burning from the inside out. She couldn’t look up at him as she forced herself to be composed again. If he knew that she was a used, tainted and broken woman, he wouldn’t feel the same about her. She was sure of that much. She was also sure that one day, her secrets would come to light as well and then.. She’d be left heartbroken all over again. So why was she still here, indulging her hopeful heart?
“I’m sorry.” She said after a moment, still not finding the strength to look at him. “I just.. There are so many things I feel at once when I kiss you and..” And what? It was overwhelming? Made her feel like she was losing her resolve? Pulled her heart deeper? She swallowed, taking a jagged breath as she shook her head and shrugged, leaving the statement open for him to interpret however he pleased. Maybe it was easier that way.
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Soleil
29
Single
Lieutenant of the Tresterian Army : Cavalry
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Nathaniel Starke on Oct 17, 2020 15:58:59 GMT -5
Nathaniel couldn’t help but notice how quiet Alice had gotten since he made the comment about her not tolerating things well and that maybe it wasn’t him or her brother that was seemingly the problem. He had only been joking and the more he thought about it, the more he realized it may not have come across as such. He regretted saying it as soon as she did not respond. He only seemingly made things worse by answering her question with a simple maybe, regarding if he wanted her to fall for him. There was a shift in the tension and he couldn’t help but feel the disappointment that resonated through Alice’s expressions. Her silence made him feel that he wasn't just imagining it. He didn't realized that she would take his simple, sarcastic answer so seriously. Even when he told her not to apologize for recoiling from him because of her past fears- he noticed the surprise across her face, and he wasn’t certain what to think because still, she remained silent. He looked at her curiously and frowned. Nathaniel wanted to ask her if she was alright, but something prevented him from doing so. Perhaps the fear of her answer.
It was strange how people often showed different sides of themselves with certain people. For a while, Nathaniel had thought he only possessed this harsh, cold-hearted, distant personality that he often wore while he worked in the military. His mother and sisters, though, seemed to drag another personality out of him- a softer, caring, and protective side. There was another part of him though, that he hardly showed anyone else- something that Alice had seemingly started to drag out of him. Maybe he had slightly shown this side of him to other women, maybe even Audra at some point in their relationship, but there was something even more to this side of him that had Nathaniel questioning himself. He hadn’t felt so enthralled in someone quite as much as Alice, and that scared him. He smiled softly at Alice acknowledging his words and admitting that she was the closest to being herself around him than she’d ever felt. He couldn’t help but feel both humbled and doubtful all at the same time. Why him? What made him so special to deserve to see such a reserved part of her? He tried his best to push down his doubtful feelings and he smiled at her, “I’m glad you feel you can show your closest self to me, too…”
He supposed that Alice could say the same to him- that he barely knew her, that he shouldn’t feel so drawn to her, that he shouldn’t want to feel anything for her. But he did, and he couldn’t really explain it. Did Alice feel the same way? Is that why she said the things she did? Because maybe, and for whatever reason, she felt drawn to him too? Nathaniel chose to ignore, or maybe he was just oblivious to all of the signs- even though Alice had blatantly told him her feelings, mostly because he wasn’t used to this sort of thing, and he was doubtful of it- because that was all he knew. Nothing good was going to come of this, it never did. So why would this be any different?
Nathaniel wasn’t sure why it was so easy for him to just speak so openly with her. His walls had been so sturdy and strong and he never let anyone in them. Somehow, Alice’s presence alone seemed to chip away at the foundation of his walls, and deep down, he knew the longer they spent together, the more she would learn about him, regardless of him wanting her to or not. Maybe if he could just convince her that he did not have feelings for her-- Why did that very thought make his heart sink heavily into the pit of his stomach?
He could see the sorrow that took over her features the more he spoke. Would she start to pity him? The last thing he wanted was her pity or for her to feel bad for him. The apologetic look she gave him made him want to cringe but he pushed aside any emotion that he felt, allowing his features to drain of them, appearing unmoving and distant. It was all he could do to try and save whatever dignity remained to prove that he was strong and unbothered by these things he spoke of. Even when Alice stated she understood, he tried to remain expressionless. He felt her hand squeeze his at her arm, and his eyes remained on her face as she assured him she would show with action instead of speaking meaningless words to tell him--what exactly? That he wasn’t a pathetic, worthless, useless waste of a man? That he couldn’t seem to do anything right in his life? Nathaniel nodded and forced a small smile at Alice to acknowledge her words. What else could he say?
“I’m here, aren’t I?” Alice responded to his questioning that Audra’s warning hadn’t been enough to scare her away. Had Alice already begun to trust him that she could read through Audra’s overreaction to trying to warn her of him? That her portrayal of Nathaniel as some violent monster was nothing but a lie? He honestly wasn’t sure what he had done that would make Alice not wish to believe or heed another woman’s warning of him.
Each time he glanced back at Alice, he caught glimpses of the emotions that showed on her features. From glaring anger to emotionless, to a softened gaze that made him wonder if she was pitying him again, or if she was finally seeing that Audra had been right in her accusations to be afraid of him. He couldn’t be certain. What he thought had been a sorry excuse to physically push away a woman, to scare and unintentionally harm her: (That his words hadn’t been enough and he had to resort to physically removing himself), seemingly seemed to spark some sort of reaction from Alice. He noticed the tears welling up in her eyes and he looked at her with concern and confusion. Her movement to wipe at her face only confirmed that she was crying and it instantly made his heart tighten in his chest.
He took a step towards her but stopped himself from moving any closer just yet, unsure of what her tears meant. Was she finally seeing what Audra saw in him? That he was nothing more than a monster and she had wasted so much of her emotions and time or hope on him already? Had she, though? Somehow, that made more sense to him than anything else, so he had put himself down- confirming or stating that he understood if she wanted him to leave her alone- if she never wished to see him again. He had told her he was not a good man. There was nothing good about him. “Stop it.” Alice’s words caused his gaze to snap back to hers, his brows furrowing in confusion. “You are not the bad guy in that situation.” Brown eyes searched hers. How could she not see it when everyone else had? He let a long sigh out his nose, his shoulders visibly falling as the breath was released. Alice seemed as if she had something more to say, but he noticed the hesitation in her words and her voice and the way she looked away from him then. He understood then, why his words had caused her to become emotional. Alice knew that the word ‘no’ sometimes didn’t always work. She had been abused, maybe she was rendered powerless against the man who raised a hand to her. He sighed and slowly closed the gap between them, pulling her into a gentle embrace.
So many things ran through his mind as he held her. The tension between them grew heavy again, as his desires for her began to resurface, and then the doubt started to take over once again. He couldn’t do this. Those words kept coming back to remind him that he had to push away from her. He couldn’t hurt her or let this go any further. He held her away from him then, staring at her with the confliction he felt. But almost against his will, he had drawn her back to him, pulling her into that kiss, his own confusion and conflict taking hold of him. He wanted this more than he doubted it, and it made absolutely no sense to him.
Her hands went to his chest and he tried to ignore and swallow down the panic that began to surface at her touch when her hands moved around his neck, pulling him even closer to her. He felt her body melt into him and he moved one of his hands from her face, wrapping it around her waist, holding her against him. His other hand remained by her face, his fingers gliding through her hair and pressing into the nape of her neck. He didn’t want to let go. Feeling her so close to him, her warmth, that desire that poured into their kiss- it made him suddenly forget everything they had been talking about. He wanted to feel her hands on him, to feel each emotion that lingered in their kiss, despite how terrified all of it made him- how hard it made his heart pound in his chest.
Nathaniel felt Alice start to pull away and he removed his hands from her, allowing her to step away. That warmth that had once lingered between them was suddenly replaced with a cold panic that hit him hard in the face as he watched her draw her arms around herself, withdrawing into herself. His brows furrowed with concern and confusion as his own chest heaved with each breath he took, the sound heavily escaping through his nose. Brown eyes remained on her despite her inability to look at him. He felt his heart sink and a sudden dread washed over him. This was it. Whatever this was, whatever it could have been- it was done. Audra had won. His past had succeeded, yet again, in ruining him and whatever chance he could have had at some form of happiness. His eyes fell shut as he looked down at the floor. He had been wrong to kiss her, especially after the conversation they had. Had he assumed she wouldn't be bothered at all by his admitting to what had happened between him and Audra? How could he have been so stupid?
He didn’t think his heart could sink any further until he heard Alice’s voice again. She was sorry. He inhaled deeply, trying to steady himself, trying to prepare himself for the rejection that was about to hit him. He nodded his head slightly as if he knew what was coming. “I just.. There are so many things I feel at once when I kiss you and..” Her words still made him struggle to look at her and he shook his head. She didn’t need to say anymore. They hardly knew each other. He shouldn’t feel so bothered by this all. So then, why was he? Brown eyes remained fixated on the floor as he took long, slow breaths in and out his nose, his chest visibly moving with each one. Nathaniel didn’t say anything for a long moment, allowing silence to linger amongst them in the tensioned-heavy air. With his gaze still down, his low voice was barely audible as he spoke one word through his breath, “Yeah…”
Another silence lingered as he tried to gather his thoughts, the words he wanted to say- but none of it was making any sense to him. He wasn’t sure if anything he would say would even matter at this point. But then, almost against his will, he finally glanced up at her as he inhaled deeply. He clenched his jaw, trying desperately to will himself from speaking what suddenly came to mind. His eyes fell shut tightly as he released the breath heavily out his nose and shook his head, seemingly fighting himself. He opened his eyes, glaring intensely at Alice, as he spoke his tone was filled with a more firm confidence than perhaps his expressions showed. “When I kiss you… Do you want to know what I feel?” He stared at her as if challenging her to stop him. Please stop him. But he didn’t bother to wait for her to answer his question that he felt wasn’t really a question but more of a statement. His brows lowered as if he were angry, his jaw clenching as he spoke, seemingly giving up whatever control he had left. He could no longer hold back the feelings he wanted so badly to suppress. “I feel absolutely terrified… But ecstatic all at once. I feel like everything just disappears and goes away.” He lifted a hand, swatting at the air as if to gesture along with his words. “You make me forget everything else exists...Nothing else matters except the way you feel in my arms and how you take my breath away and make me feel as if the only thing keeping me together and keeping me from falling apart is my own skin.” He paused and stared at her for a long moment before he took a deep breath, steadying himself and forcing himself to be calmer. “And I feel like I’m falling for you, too-- But I know I am going to make a mess of everything and I don’t want to be something that causes you any hurt, so I tell myself not to feel anything because I shouldn’t. I shouldn't waste your time. I shouldn't play with your emotions. I shouldn't let you fall for me.” He let out a saddened laugh and shook his head at himself, his gaze dropping away from hers. He chewed on the inside of his cheek as he thought for a moment. “But you keep making it increasingly difficult.” His words sounded somewhat defeated, yet admiring of her. Nathaniel looked at her again and tried to gauge her reaction. If she had already made up her mind about wanting nothing to do with him, and if his words didn’t matter- at least he’d know he had said his peace. “And I cant get you out of my mind no matter how hard I try to.” He sighed and looked away from her, and over at the fireplace. The fire was in need of another log, but he imagined that they would probably be leaving soon, so he didn’t bother to move to tend to it.
He breathed a defeated sounding laugh out his nose and shook his head. “But what I feel doesn’t matter. It never has and never will.” He forced a smile and shrugged a shoulder. “I only care about what you feel and I can understand if I’ve completely scared you away now.”
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Lux
22
Recently Divorced
Lady in waiting/Spy
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Alice Calder on Oct 18, 2020 3:22:35 GMT -5
Alice was a serious woman and with that, she tended to take things seriously. While she hadn’t exactly taken Nate’s words to heart, that didn’t mean it didn’t have her reconsidering a few things. Even so, she could see something in his expression and she knew that it was likely due to her silence. Wasn’t that just a bit of irony? She hadn’t wanted to make things worse with her words, yet she seemed to have made them worse with her silence. She couldn’t win for losing, it seemed.
“I’m glad you feel you can show your closest self to me, too…” She offered a forced smile at those words. She didn’t want to show him who she was deep down inside. He just.. Brought it out of her and she couldn’t understand why. Everything about him just felt right. The way his arms wrapped around her, the way he kissed her, looked at her - the way he brought her dead world back to its natural vibrancy. She felt.. whole. Part of her wanted him to know that, but how was she supposed to tell him that without sounding insane? They barely knew each other. There was no reason for her to feel such things, yet she did.
The emotions that crossed his face seemed to mirror the very things she felt and it left her confused when it shouldn’t have. He’d already made it perfectly clear that he felt the same for her that she did for him, so why wouldn’t she just let herself believe that? Why was she questioning every word that crossed his lips? Of course, she knew very well why. What was that she’d told him at the ball? She had difficulty trusting others.. Was that the problem she was facing, though? No -- she knew she trusted Nathaniel more than most other people, despite the short time she’d known him. So then what was it? The answer hit her as she questioned herself and it took all of her focus to keep the look of confusion at herself from crossing her features. Self-sabotage… This was self-sabotage..
Even as he’d taken a step towards her, her gaze did not find his. Her head was swirling with a hundred different thoughts and they were becoming increasingly difficult to collect. She did everything she could to keep the tears from actually falling down her cheeks. This wasn’t her, or so she thought. But she didn’t have to look at him to feel his stare on her and she instantly wanted to slink away into the darkness of night, disappearing against the shadows like a ghost. That was a better alternative than standing here showing her weakness to a Lieutenant of Tresteria’s army. How pathetic she must have looked in that moment.
But as he closed the small space between them, his arms pulling her into a gentle embrace, it felt like her heart had stopped beating and it hurt. However, she didn’t hesitate to wrap her own arms around him tightly, pulling him closer to her as her head rested against his chest, dark eyes closed as she took short, shallow breaths. Between herself, the woman Darion had taken advantage of, Anemone, and now Nate, Alice was beginning to feel like she was cursed. If fate and alternative fates existed, it appeared that this one detail of her life would be in any reality she lived within. Why was she doomed?
Much like with Nathaniel, most things disappeared into the background when their lips met. It was as if he took away all of her fears and worries, replacing them with feelings she didn’t quite understand. All she knew for sure was that whatever it was he made her feel was much more pleasant than anything else she felt otherwise. At the same time, there was only so long that lasted before the unpleasant feelings crept in again, slamming her into the present with force. But none of that changed the fact that she loved the way his arm felt around her waist, the way his hand tangled into her hair, pulling her ever closer. If she’d just allow herself, it would be so easy to get lost in him completely, so throw her resolve right out the window and allow herself to just feel and be in the moment. Of course, she’d never give herself that luxury.
The silence that lingered between them was almost more than she could bear. But, she would have preferred the silence to the single word that he muttered to her. Great. She’d royally screwed this up, hadn’t she? But then.. Self-sabotage did seem to be the name of the game, so was she really surprised?
She still didn’t look at him, at least, not until she heard him release a heavy breath. Brown eyes slowly made their way to his face, only to be met with his overbearing glare. She nearly winced at the gaze, a hand going to her chest, curling into a fist over her heart as it began to pound erratically. Even though she tried to will her gaze to be expressionless, she was sure her uncertainty was clear - her fear lingering in brown eyes as she waited for whatever was to come. But it wasn’t quite what she’d expected.
“When I kiss you… Do you want to know what I feel?” Her expression was confused then as she blinked a few times, studying his face carefully. She wasn’t sure he really wanted an answer so she remained silent, her unease increasing as his expression turned into something that resembled anger. His tone even seemed firmer as he began speaking again and she pressed her lips into a hard line, brows furrowing as it slowly began to make sense. “I feel absolutely terrified… But ecstatic all at once. I feel like everything just disappears and goes away.” Her breath caught in her throat and she wrapped her arms around herself again. What he was saying ran almost parallel with her earlier thoughts and it brought her the slightest hint of discomfort. But he continued on and she felt her chest began to visibly rise and fall with short, yet deep breaths. When he paused, she swallowed, sure that her fear was showing despite her attempts to hide it.
It was the next words he uttered that froze her in place entirely. It suddenly felt like her entire body was buzzing with electricity before falling numb and she was sure the surprise across her face was unmistakable. “And I feel like I’m falling for you, too.” Those words echoed in her mind, nearly drowning out everything else he said. She couldn’t look away from him, even as his gaze fell from her. Everything screamed at her to return to his arms, but she was frozen right where she stood - stunned by what he’d said, but also saddened by his following words. Then, he was saying she made it difficult. Brows began to furrow only slightly as they twitched downwards at those words, not changing even when he looked up at her. Then he was admitting that he, too, couldn’t get her off his mind and the smallest twitching of a smile pulled up the corners of her lips. “Nathaniel..” She breathed his name, quickly catching herself and biting her tongue.
He sighed his defeat, telling her that what he felt didn’t matter causing Alice to huff a laugh through her nose. “I only care about what you feel and I can understand if I’ve completely scared you away now.” She did laugh then, a sing-song sound that was genuine as she looked at him, shaking her head. “Remember earlier, when I called you an idiot?” She asked him with an authentic, toothy smile. “I think we’re both idiots.” She chuckled at her own words, dropping her gaze as she moved towards him, taking his face gently in her hands before she stared up at him. Her eyes filled with the same look of admiration he so often showed her as she searched his for any reaction to the words and actions that were to follow.
“What you feel may not matter to you, but it does matter to me.” She huffed another laugh, her smile becoming tight lipped as she looked away from him, her hands trailing down to his shoulders where they slid down his arms, taking his hands in a gentle grasp. “Much of what you feel, I feel too.” She admitted as she brought one of his hands to her lips, kissing his palm before placing it against her cheek, leaning into the touch with a sad expression. She sighed softly at the warmth his hand brought to her small face. “I’ve never felt something quite like this and I don’t know why that is, but I know I cannot deny how much I treasure each kiss or how safe I feel in your embrace.” Her eyes closed as she spoke. She then gave a half-hearted shrug as her gaze returned to him. Then, softly as she allowed her desire for him to take over her features, “I cannot tell you why I’m beginning to fall for you so soon after meeting you. I’ve tried to fight against it, but it is consuming. And to be honest.. There is a part of me that is so sure I want this, that I need this -- that I need you..” She removed her hand from his so that he did not have to hold her face if he didn’t wish to. “But what good thing have I done to be graced with something like this?” Maybe she wasn’t making sense, but she wanted to.
“You matter to me, Nathaniel, more than I ever imagined you would. I didn’t expect to start falling for you, maybe part of me didn’t want to..” The words trailed off as she shrugged, clasping her hands in front of herself nervously. “But here I am, knowing that each moment spent with you only pulls me closer.” Another huff of a laugh escaped her. “We’ve both made it clear that our experiences are similar. Your words mirror my own feelings - that feeling of being terrified and ecstatic all at once, of feeling like everything disappears when we kiss..” Shaking her head, she sighed, not sure if she was making sense of if the words she really wanted to say would ever come. No, she was going to have to force them out of herself.
“You’re not wasting my time and if you were playing with my emotions, you wouldn’t be saying any of this to me, correct?” She asked, tilting her head with an expression that said she already knew the answer. “And while I may fear what I feel for you, your past cannot and will not scare me away.” She reassured him as a single hand reached up to stroke his face gently. She felt her heartbeat quicken at the words at the back of her throat and she was sure he could feel the tremble that rocked her body as she willed herself to speak the words. If he could bear his soul to her like that, then she could too.
“There is no maybe; I do want you to fall for me, Nathaniel.” She whispered the words slowly, searching his face for his reactions.
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Soleil
29
Single
Lieutenant of the Tresterian Army : Cavalry
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Nathaniel Starke on Oct 18, 2020 15:47:54 GMT -5
Nathaniel wasn’t sure what to expect from Alice and her reaction to his words. He didn’t know why his initial thoughts were that she would turn him away. They had already told one another- showed one another, that they felt something, yet they both stood here denying and doubting it all. Was it really that difficult to understand? Well, when that self-sabotage ran rampant through your mind, then yes, it was difficult to believe anything good was real- that it even could be real. But the dread of someone knowing something about his past always made him second guess and doubt that they would want to give him a chance after finding out. Who would want to deal with a damaged, broken man like him?
Despite his own emotions that ran through him, he focused more on Alice’s expressions and how she was reacting to his words. He saw her fear, the confusion, her unease. Then he saw her close herself off again by wrapping her arms around herself, the fear rising back upon her features. For a brief moment, he thought that maybe he should just stop talking, that she probably didn’t want to hear any of this from him now. But he had already caused enough damage, what was a little more? But then he saw the surprise take over her features when he told her that he was falling for her. How could she be so surprised? Hadn’t he made it so obvious?
He had to look away from her again. He was afraid of what she would say to him admitting his true feelings to her. Even as she breathed his name, he couldn’t bring himself to look back at her. He felt he needed to put his guard up. His feelings didn’t and never would matter, he told her. The sound of Alice’s laughter filled the silence and it was enough to bring Nathaniel’s attention back up to her, with a look of confusion. Why was she laughing? “Remember earlier, when I called you an idiot?” He raised a brow at her as if he were unamused that she was seemingly about to call him an idiot again. Yes, maybe he really was one. He gave her a confused look as she smiled widely, “I think we’re both idiots.” Nathaniel blinked a few times, brows still lowered in confusion as he watched her approach him, taking his face into her hands. He stared back down at her, catching the glimpse of the admiration in her eyes- only then did he realize why she was calling them both idiots. His expression finally softened and the corners of his lips twitched slightly into the faintest smile. He shook his head and breathed a silent laugh. Yes, maybe they were both idiots. Hadn’t they told one another that they wanted to take the risk in each other? That they were both feeling something? Had they soon forgotten those sentiments?
His brown eyes searched hers as she spoke. His feelings mattered to her, she told him. And as her hands moved down from his face, to his shoulders, down his arms, and finally taking hold of his hands, they had left a trail of warmth that spread through him. “Much of what you feel, I feel too,” she admitted to him, kissing the palm of his hand before placing it against her cheek. Nathaniel watched as she leaned into his touch and he instantly smiled. She had done the very same gesture several times now, and he was beginning to realize how much he liked the feeling it gave him and how impossibly adorable she looked when she did it.
Now it was Alice’s turn to speak her thoughts and feelings and he quietly listened, keeping his attention on her, even as she closed her eyes or pulled her gaze from his. “I cannot tell you why I’m beginning to fall for you so soon after meeting you. I’ve tried to fight against it, but it is consuming. And to be honest... There is a part of me that is so sure I want this, that I need this -- that I need you..” There was something about the way she said she needed him that sent waves of electricity through his body, causing him to go numb. It took every bit of strength he had to keep himself composed when his knees just felt as if they would give out on him. She needed this. Needed him? Why him? His eyebrows twitched and then lowered, his eyes blinked in confusion as if he were trying to make sense of what Alice just admitted. Had he even heard her correctly? Nathaniel couldn’t pull his eyes away from her. He felt her pull her hand away from his, but he didn’t dare move his hand away from her face. His thumb gently caressed her cheek and when she questioned him, “But what good thing have I done to be graced with something like this?” he stared at her in disbelief for a moment and then shook his head, huffing a small laugh. His hand moved from her cheek to brush loose strands of her hair away from her face as he smiled down at her. “You’re still here,” he whispered, the words escaping him so simply and matter of fact, as he gave her a look as if his answer should have been obvious to her. Despite everything, despite how the entire night had unfolded, what Alice had heard about him and what he had admitted to her, despite the number of times he had already tried pushing her away, she was still standing in front of him, telling him that she wanted and needed him.
Nathaniel’s expression had softened, his eyes filling with hope and admiration the more he listened to Alice’s words. He kept his hand on her face, his thumb continuing to caress her cheek gently. The things she said to him, no one ever had. He never heard someone tell him that they needed him. That he mattered to them-- Or even that they were falling for him. The thick walls that surrounded him were beginning to crumble at her doing, and he feared there was nothing he could do to prevent it anymore.
As Alice mentioned having similar feelings while they kissed, he felt his face begin to tingle with a burning sensation and his breath started to quicken. His heart was already starting to race. Nathaniel continued to stare into her eyes. He slowly shook his head at her questioning if he would be saying these things to her if he were playing with her emotions. No-- he rarely said things that he did not mean unless it was meant to push someone away.
He felt her hand on his face, then and he closed his eyes as the warmth from her hand spread through him. His free hand lifted to take hold of her hand at his face, pulling it away and to his lips where he pressed a firm but gentle kiss to her palm, much like she had done to him. He could feel her trembling so when he released her hand, he carefully wrapped both his arms around her waist, pulling her close to him. His hands rested firmly on the small of her back.
“There is no maybe; I do want you to fall for me, Nathaniel.” He looked down at her and smiled a genuine smile, though only one side of his lips lifted. His expression was too serious for a complete smile to belong, too overwhelmingly intense as he stared at her, his brown eyes wavering back and forth between hers as if he were searching for something- as he was trying to quiet all the thoughts that raced through his mind so that he could find the words he wanted to speak. He leaned in closer to her and lightly pressed his forehead to hers, brushing his nose against her own before he spoke quietly, his voice a low rumble in his chest, “There’s no maybe…” he repeated. He slowly moved one of his hands up her spine and then rested it just behind her neck, his thumb brushing softly against her jawline. “I do want you to fall for me, Alice. More than anything.” His lips twitched into another small smile and he stared back at her for a moment longer until he tilted his chin towards her, his lips faintly brushing against hers. He hesitated, but only briefly as he focused on everything about her in that moment. He listened to the sound of her breath, the beating of his racing heart. He inhaled deeply, taking in her scent as it drew him into her even more. His eyes lowered to her mouth and he wanted to taste it again-to feel everything both of them had just described. Finally, he pressed his lips to hers firmly and with slight desperation as his desire for her rushed through him. The feeling caused him to shudder against her as he pulled her closer against him, his fingers at her neck curled and pressed into her hair. He deepened the kiss, and a sound escaped the back of his throat- something that sounded half growl, half moan. Although he hadn’t told her so, he wanted and needed her too.
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Lux
22
Recently Divorced
Lady in waiting/Spy
Tier 2 Character
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Post by Alice Calder on Oct 18, 2020 20:20:50 GMT -5
It would seem that both of them were forgetting much of what they’d said to each other already. Maybe it wasn’t so much ‘forgetting’ as it was simply out of mind in these moments. Given everything that had unfolded between them since the Yule Ball, it was nothing either of them could really be faulted for. The human mind could only take in and remember so much information at one time. Besides that, it seemed the both of them had been choosing to purposely ignore most of what they’d said to each other. But this? This was a conversation that Alice knew she wouldn’t soon forget.
She was relieved when his gaze finally softened. Again, the irony was not lost on her. She was nervous when he glared at her, just as nervous when he was looking at her like that. But at least in this case, she knew she’d much rather have his eyes on her with that gentle expression, even if it made her hopelessly terrified of the future. No, no. There was no reason to lose the present by worrying about what the future may hold. She needed to keep herself grounded, right here in these moments with him.
He was quiet as she spoke and she wondered for a moment if this was how he’d felt when she had been silent. She was nervous, perhaps even on the edge of her seat so-to-speak. What if she said the wrong thing? What if he thought she was some crazy woman for feeling some of these things so deeply already? Well.. At least she’d tried, right?
Despite the confusion across his face at her words, he still smiled at her. The gesture was almost enough to warm her heart. A strange sense of relief washed over her when he didn’t remove his hand from her face. She didn’t think she’d crave touch quite this strongly. What’s more, she felt in her very bones that no one else’s touch would have satiated that craving. While Nate’s hands on her in any way seemed to fill that longing, it also made her hungry for more. She was still unsure of exactly what ‘more’ entailed, just that she knew she wanted it.
Brushing a few strands from her face, he smiled at her, her own lips pulling up in the slightest hint of a half-smile. She stared into his eyes, almost as if she were mesmerized as those three simple words crossed his lips. A full smile made claim to her features then, though the expression was touched with a hint of sadness. Was he right? Was that the good thing she’d done to warrant something so lovely being placed into her life? “I’ll always be here.” She whispered back to him in response, the words ringing in the truth she felt. She may not understand entirely why she still stood here, only that part of it was her just being stubborn.
Unlike Nathaniel, Alice had been told - and believed - pretty words before. Of course, those pretty words hadn’t been accompanied with the push and pull she often received from Nate. But those words also hadn’t quite had the effect Nate’s seemed to have. She couldn’t figure out why that was, but the way she saw it, it hardly mattered. She didn’t want to hear them uttered from anyone else. Something told her that if Nathaniel were to ever walk away from her, tell her to stay away from him like he meant it, she’d never be able to fully feel again. Not like this. Despite how much Alice had loved Darion - and perhaps still did in some ways despite how absolutely horrendous a man he was in her mind - even that could not compare to the way she felt here with Nathaniel; and she wasn’t even in love with him.. yet. That spoke volumes to her.
She felt herself sadden, her lips pulling into a frown when he removed her hand from his cheek. However, she was soon smiling again as he pressed his lips to her palm, the gesture sending what felt like lightning through every inch of her body. Chills rushed down her spine, causing goosebumps to rise along her skin. He was pulling her closer then, both of his arms resting at the small of her back. She let her hands come to rest cautiously on either side of his chest as she stared up at him. The feeling of his hands around her made her anxious in more ways than one, but it was all but forgotten under his intense stare. Her eyes remained on his, head tilted slightly as she stared back, her entire world slowly falling away the longer they didn’t break their gaze.
Then he was leaning closer, resting his forehead against her and brushing his nose against hers in a gentle motion. Her breath caught in her throat as he spoke and she closed her eyes, not wanting him to see how badly she wanted to hear what he was telling her. As his hand traveled up her spine, she shuddered against the touch, chills rushing over her body again. She could feel her limbs tingle with the sensation of his hand at the back of her neck, his thumb trailing her jaw. Everything took her breath away in that moment, causing her heart to race as her breathing became slow and shallow. “I do want you to fall for me, Alice. More than anything.” Her eyes fluttered open at those words, flooding with a deep, carnal desire as he stared at her. Her eyes had fallen to his lips as they twitched into a smile before his lips brushed against her. In a slow motion, one of her hands trailed up his chest, coming to rest at the nape of his neck where she struggled to keep herself from pulling him into her. A coldness spread from her chest at his closeness and she didn’t think she could hold her resolve much longer.
As she realized that, he was pressing his lips against her with a desperation that could only match. She felt him shudder beneath her hands, pulling her closer to him as she let every single ounce of her hunger be felt in their kiss. She needed him to know how much she really meant what she said - how much she needed and wanted him. Perhaps her own kiss was desperate, filled with a desire that was on the verge of being uncontained. She was losing so much of her self-control to his touch and his kiss. The hold at the back of her neck tightened only slightly as that sound escaped him. Instantly, she breathed against his lips, the sound nearly a moan as it made clear the lustfulness she felt.
She pressed her body against his then, the hand at the back of his neck pulling him as close as was physically possible. Even when her breathlessness began to take over, she didn’t pull away - she couldn’t. Her free hand curled into a fist around the fabric of his shirt, partly to suppress the rise of a desire that she was becoming too weak to fight back against, partly to keep herself steady.
“Don’t let me go..” She whispered between kisses, still not able to break herself away from him even if she knew she should. Her chest was heaving with each labored breath, but she couldn’t stop herself from wanting more and more with every passing second. Her heart beat heavily in her chest, feeling like a drum against even her ribcage as she poured every unspoken word, every indescribable emotion into the kiss.
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