Journal of a Dark Witch ||| Nemesis Arundel

[Nemeris Arundel]

Locked away are the precious secrets and
thoughts of the mysterious, dark witch. . .
A dark curse shall fall upon any who open this book.

November 14
. S u c h. a strange night. I have not slept in three days, it would seem. Although, sometimes, I am unaware of the moments I drift off without being able to stop myself. My visions come more often to me when I sleep rather than I am awake. I fear that if I fall into a sleep, I will see the queen executed. The last time I fell asleep, I saw them force her to watch executions of past Avalendor citizens. All citizens I recognized that were from Tranquility. Figures. They always thought they were smarter and better than those of us who were in the Order.
The other vision I had before hand was while I was awake. She and Thais attempted to escape but were set up by Aramis.
My first vision, was of the queen being kidnapped. I woke up and ran out so quickly in search of guards and military members. But none of them believed me. Perhaps after all of this, they will realize I am not lying about my visions. I feel sorry that I have made people hate me so. . .That they will not trust in me when I do try to help. I love Avalendor, and that is not a word I use too often.
My tactics of being distant, I fear, are no longer working. That d**ned Scottish man. No matter how cold I am to him. No matter how hard I try pushing him away.. He just won't seem to leave me alone. I do not know what to do about him. I think I made a mistake in telling him of my past. He has gotten too close and continues to test my patience and my barriors.
My eyelids feel so heavy. It bothers me so much, not knowing when these visions I have had will happen. My latest one could have already happened, in which case, the queen is most likely dead by now. I should allow myself to sleep to see if a vision comes to me of the future. Will she be returned to us? Will there be a war that comes to our soil, or a war that forces our men to another land to fight and perhaps die? What will become of Avalendor? I fear it just as everyone else, and I am afraid to know or see it. My visions are a .c u r s e .

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November 20
. W o r d s. cannot even begin to describe how I'm feeling at the moment. But that's the thing. . . I am actually feeling? I hate this. It's all just so confusing and I don't know what to think of it all.

There is no doubt that more rumors will begin to spread about me to add to the old ones. I have been out and about actually trying to do something for the queen and her people. Is there something wrong with that?

So far I have gotten the people of Ulster, Avalendor's allies, to help us. The Isle is surrounded by their ships and they have kept their word in offering guard to our land. We lack defense in the sea and around our borders, and we are in need of more men to fight on land. This is what I have been busy with. I've been writing letters and sending them out to leaders and other ambassadors that will bring the news to their leaders questioning for their aid to Avalendor.

I think I have found what I am best at here in the Isle. When the queen returns, and all is settled, I will ask her if I may take on the responsibility of being Avalendor's ambasador. I have come to kind of enjoy speaking to others and trying to convince them in helping us. I am sure it would come in great use for Avalendor to have one anyway.

Aside from all of this busy work. . . I feel my mind is going insane as of lately. Although I'd hate to admit, my mind will not cease in thinking about that d**n Scottish man. I hate him for breaking down my barriers and pushing his way into my life like he did.. He knows too much. Way too much. I think I should put a spell on him where he will forget about it all. Forget me and all that I have told him. I do not understand him and his ways. He's stubborn and has his mind set on making my life hell. I guess I will wait and see if he is at least true to his word when the war ends. I am curious to see how this man works and if he is different at all from what I know men to be .l i k e .

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December 3

. I. cannot begin to describe how much I hate being on water. The ship is rocking back and forth constantly and it is making me sick to my stomach. But I'm holding everything in. I'm trying not to complain or appear weak. Brennus is with me on this little trip, and I do not want him to see how weak I can get with something so stupid as traveling on ships. It's a weakness for me and makes me feel ill every time. I was dreading this trip, but it is what needs to be done. Already the kingdom of Ithias has agreed in aiding us with this war. We have their army and Ulster's navy helping us. Already we are looking good. I just hope the others will agree to help as well.

I believe if we can get a decent number of armies on our side, and with Brennus leading our army we might just be able to win this and live on. I have a good feeling, especially since my last vision. I do not know if what I saw was before or after the war, but somehow, I feel everything will turn out for the best.
What I am somewhat worried about is Brennus and the promise he made. For some reason, I told him to come find me when all of this is over, including the war. Either he will fall in the war and he will not be knocking upon my door. Or he will see the queen returned and go back to trying to win her heart. I see it in his eyes how much he cares for her, and I would not doubt if he turns on his word and decides I am not good for him. I'm not. I'm not good for anyone. Not even my own son...
If Brennus is good on his word, then I have another problem to worry about. I do not know how to become emotionally tied with another person. Not even my own husband. I never loved him. At least I do not think I did. My father loved him, so I loved him for that reason. I honestly do not know how to handle this. It has been a long time and I am afraid. I don't want to show it. Part of me feels like it will not happen, so I should not even think of it. But the other part of me feels that Brennus is a stubborn man and won't be giving up. That after the war is over, I will see him at my door step. What then? I do not want to seem so weak. I feel I will freeze up and become one of those foolish women who get tongue tied and redden at the sight of a man they know is interested in them. This is not me. I do not want to fall weakened and unable to care for myself. I do not want to depend on a man to live my life. I hate the complication all of this causes. And I do not understand why my facade, and my pushing never kept him away. I do not know why he tried so hard to push my barriers down in hopes I would break down and fall into his arms. I hate him for that. I hate him for not knowing why I cannot keep pushing him .a w a y .

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December 17
. I. am finally off that d**ned boat and back to my manor in Avalendor. Things are quiet, and still the queen has not returned. I have not had any more visions recently and it worries me a little, not knowing what is happening. Deep down, I believe she will return. She has to.

During the trip, something so unexpected happened. I saw a man that was once an advisor to my father. He was living in one of the lands I went to visit. He had left Saryndale a few years after I did. I cannot help but feel so bitter. All of this would not have happened if he could have done something to stop it. He knew me and knew how close I was to my father.
I have no word of my son. It is killing me. I wish I could see him again, if only just once.

Lost in the darkness, hoping for a sign. Instead, there's only silence. Can't you hear my screams? Never stop hoping, I need to know where you are. But one thing's for sure, you're always in my heart.
I'll find you somewhere, I'll keep on trying, until my dying day. I just need to know, whatever has happened. The truth will free my soul.
Lost in the darkness, tried to find your way home. I want to embrace you, and never let you go. I almost hope you're in heaven, so no one can hurt your soul. I'm living in agony, because I just do not know where you are. Wherever you are, I won't stop searching. Whatever it takes me to know. . . I'll find you somwhere, I'll keep on trying, until my dying .d a y . (Lyrics from a song by Within Temptation).

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February 24

. I. am a cursed woman . . .

A vision came to me about a week ago, maybe it has been longer than that. I haven written here in some time because I'm afraid to say it, or write it down because then I know it will be true. But the thoughts keep playing in my mind and I know I need to get them out somehow.

My vision came in a dream... There was a battlefield that was stained with blood and the bodies of fallen men. And I watched as Brennus fought and fell amongst the others, and drew his last breath.

I never wanted to believe that I felt anything for him, but that would be a lie. At first I was doing a favor for the queen, knowing how capable Brennus was of breaking things between Thais and her and taking over Avalendor as one of Alexandria's suitors would have done back at the other kingdom. So I tried my best to turn his eyes from her and on me instead. And in doing so, I think I fell for him unknowingly.
It's as if there is a darkness that has consumed me and I can never escape from it, and no light can ever come within--and if it gets too close, the darkness finds a way to push it away, when I cannot do it myself. Death has found all those I have cared for... All but one, and he is kept from me and has learned to hate me. I do not know if I will ever get Christian back into my life again... I once imagined Brennus and I would go to Saryndale together once and he would help me take over the throne from my brother and then I would work on getting my son back.

I have not told a single soul of the baby that has started to grow within me. It is too soon to see a healer about it, though I regret when the time comes that I will have to. I will be forced to raise this child on my own, and be forced to think of Brennus every moment of the child's life.
I have, several times, considered giving the baby to Alexandria. I know she cannot have children of her own. Though I do not wish to be accused again of trying to overtake Avalendor, as her childish, immature brother has accused me of before.

Though my secret is not safe. . . A man I have previously met, whom I continue to run into several times without notice, he somehow knew and asked me why I seem so sad and if I have told anyone of the baby yet. I do not know how he has found out, other than he told me he has been watching me. Why would anyone be watching me in the first place? I swear if word gets out of this, I will put the worst curse on him and make him pay for it.
The man is less of a brute than Brennus is, though he seems to be just as pushy and stubborn... And continues to try and figure me out. If it had not been for the queen, he would still have yet to learn of my name... I won't give anything else away. I'm done with my heart forever. The darkness has consumed me and I will never step back out of it. I do not care what they .t h i n k .