of mud and stupidity

[Cian DeGraff]

Cian didn't know what to feel. He didn't know what to even think by the time he got home. Every time he tried to think straight or tried to understand what had happened, it only confused him more.

Had he made it all up? Had he simply imagined something was there just because he felt something? Why was he such an idiot?

Still, he couldn't get it out of his head- every moment, every second of that spar, every glint in her eyes and the way her lips curled up even in the faintest grin when she allowed her mask to falter. Those few minutes out in the rain had been one of the rarest times where he actually felt alive, more than he had in quite awhile.

And then, it all spiraled out of control.

The storm had let up a little, but he was still soaked as he trudged up the path and pushed open the door. Normally he would have minded his boots caked in mud but right now, he wasn't thinking about any of it. Cian left a trail of footprints in his wake across the floorboards, practically dripping puddles of water as he went.

[ Camille St. James ]

[Camille St. James]

Camille heard her cousin come in and came out of the sitting room where she'd been reading a book to say hello, only to see him slump past covered in mud and as gloomy as if he'd brought the raincloud in with him. And well, he might as well have, with the amount of water and mud he was trailing. The maids were going to throw a fit. But Cami was more worried about Cian at the moment--she didn't think she'd ever seen him looking quite so despondent. And not only that, he hadn't even noticed her as he went past. Something was occupying one hundred percent of his mind.

Deciding she wasn't going to ignore it, she set her book on a side table and hurried after him, carefully hopping over his muddy trail before she slipped quickly past him and turned to block his path. She had to practically scrape against the wall to avoid joining his mud puddle on the way past, but she managed. Once in front of him, she planted her feet shoulder-width apart, held up her hands to stop him, and gave him a stern look. She knew she wasn't intimidating in the least, but she hoped she'd at least surprise him enough for him to listen to her.

"Freeze!" She commanded, although her face was already dissolving into a smile. "You're not getting away so easily, Cian. Boots off, then come with me, you're getting a hot cup of tea and something sweet. That's an order."

[Cian DeGraff]

He'd apologize to the maids later. This clearly wasn't like him. Not that he often came home singing and dancing or anything, but there was certainly this heavy gloom surrounding him. It was as though one of the rain clouds had just trailed him the entire way home and followed him into the house.

Cian barely heard his cousin approaching, suddenly stopping in his tracks when she appeared in front of him. Blue eyes blinked, staring at her outstretched hands before finding her face. That's when he realized the mess he had brought in with him; glancing over his shoulder with a grimace, he groaned in slight annoyance with himself. Whoops.

"Okay..." Normally he would have told Cami no, that he just wanted to wash up and lock himself away in his room, but he was slowly turning to kick off his boots, still holding onto that staff with a hand before quietly shuffling towards the kitchen. His other hand quickly unbuckled his belt and let it fall, along with his sheathed sword, somewhere in the foyer. Cian never mistreated that thing, and yet there he went not having a care. It was the staff he was wary of and gentle with. Once he was in the kitchen, he was searching for a rag to carefully wipe the blades free of mud.

"It's nice to see you here," he said. It was true, considering she and her sister spent time at the other house, but his usual mood just wasn't there. Still, he offered her a slight smile regardless.

[Camille St. James]

Cami grinned as he did what she said. Good! Maybe she could pry out of him what was the matter and get him to cheer up. She followed him toward the kitchen, pushing his sword off towards the side table in the foyer so it wasn't a tripping hazard. Something was definitely the matter. It wasn't like him to be so careless with his things, or with other people's space.

Once they were in the kitchen, she immediately set to work making a pot of tea: filling the kettle and hanging it over the fire to heat. She glanced up at him when he spoke and smiled gently. "It's good to be here. The townhouse was getting a little lonely, so I thought it might be nice to be around the big family for a bit."

She went around the counters, lifting little circular covers to see what was under them. Her mother and aunt had pretty much trained the kitchen staff to always have a bunch of little snacks on hand--to feed the many, many DeGraffs who were always in and out at odd hours. Organized meals were held at normal times, of course, but it was a gamble who might be there at any given time. She crinkled her nose at something with raisins and put that cover back down. The next one was plain rolls and a chunk of butter. Finally, she lifted one that smelled like cinnamon. Mmm. She took two pieces of the vanilla-cinnamon bread out and set them on plates, taking them to the little kitchen table to make places for both of them.

"What have you been up to?" she asked cautiously, trying to appear casual.

[Cian DeGraff]

It would appear that Cian had been pretty careless with a lot of things today, and he couldn't quite figure out how that had even happened. The ring- how hadn't he noticed it before? Perhaps it was a very recent engagement? Why was he even thinking about any of this still? He shouldn't be, and yet, it was plaguing him, shoving him further down into the confusion of it all.

Cian tiredly nodded in response to her answer as he walked over to carefully rest the spear up against the wall. He stared at it for a long moment before he turned to regard her as she sought for a snack, the kettle already resting over the fire to warm up. Instead of standing there, he should probably be helping her, but he was also still soaked. "So, I'm assuming mostly everyone is home?" In other words, he was wondering how many people he might have to avoid.

Drifting to the water basin, he quickly washed his hands before seeking a dry hand towel. With his back facing her, she might have noticed the immediate tension in his shoulders at her question. "I was training." Cian paused, turning his head as if he was going to look over his shoulder at her but didn't. For some strange reason, he wanted to say more, only to pause himself. At least, he wasn't going to say what was actually on his mind just yet. "I lost the match." That was a lie. Yet, in a way...wasn't it the truth?

[Camille St. James]

“Mmm, not really? Maeve and Jareth are out at some kind of meeting, the boys went to a friend’s house, who ever knows where dear Dunny goes, and your father went with Maeve and Jareth.” In other words, practically no one was home but them and the servants.

Glancing up at him surreptitiously, she did see him tense up, and she most definitely noticed the way he hesitated to tell her the truth. The whistling kettle pulled her eyes from him as she grabbed it off its hook and set it on a cork trivet on the table. She pulled out little teacups for each of them, pouring the tea through a strainer into each one as she considered how to reply. She didn't want to scare him off, or make him clam up even more...but she was worried about him. He might not be as talkative as Dunny or herself, but seeing him this hollow and upset just wasn't right.

“Cian, dear cousin… Something tells me that it was more than just losing a fight that upset you today. You don’t have to tell me exactly what happened but…if something is bothering you, I’d like to help. Do you want me to listen? Or is it better for me to just hush and make sure you get warmed up?”

[Cian DeGraff]

Although he was listening, the way he nodded his head and let his eyes just linger on the spear again might have made it seem like he wasn't hearing a word Camille was saying. It certainly wasn't like him- maybe he was just tired. More than he usually was after training.

This wasn't the end of the world kind of thing, so, he really didn't know why he was acting like there was no reason to live (that was a bit dramatic, no?) Perhaps, it was because he liked her. Really liked the female soldier, and it was unusual for him. Sure, he'd glanced at other girls and offered them his charming smile, but this time it had been different. This time, it went down a little a deeper. He fell a little farther. And he crashed hard.

Blue eyes blinked and he shifted in his seat to regard his cousin when she was speaking again. Yeah, she knew something was up. Camille probably would have known even if he wasn't so obvious about it- she was intuitive and caring like that. Cian looked away for a moment, remaining silent for what felt like too long of a time until he sighed; his voice breaking the quiet, "Am I...a foolish or oblivious person?" Well, that was a strange question. Running a hand down his face, he hung his head slightly as he thought about it.

"There's this woman...and I couldn't get her out of my head since the day I met her. She's just so damn easy to talk to, to be around..." He trailed off, his mind telling him to stop before he rambled on about nonsense. "She's also a soldier-" Aoife would have corrected him, most likely, saying that she was a former one...but once a soldier, you were always a soldier. Especially with the way she moved. "She's the one I, uh...sparred with today. And, I thought...well, there was this moment..." Cian was struggling with words now and he had no idea if he was making any sense.

Pausing, he sighed once more with a furrow of his brow. "Apparently...she's engaged." By the tone of his voice, it might have been clear to Camille that he quite literally only found out today.

[Camille St. James]

Camille cradled her tea in both hands, blowing gently on the surface before she took a little sip. She let herself look at the tea, not Cian, for a few moments while she waited for his answer. She didn’t want him to feel like she was pressuring him.

“Am I…a foolish or oblivious person?”

“No…?” She answered softly, already confused. What made him think that? Usually, he was on top of things, although, he wasn’t as in tune with people’s moods as she was. But she was a bit of an outlier. She was actively looking, where most people were focused more on themselves. But it wasn’t like Cian was stupid. He paid attention.

Her brow furrowed even farther when he started with “There’s this woman.” A woman! Then this was about romance? She leaned closer without even realizing it. She was enthralled. None of her cousins had ever come to her for girl advice before, although maybe they should, seeing as there weren’t that many women in their lives that they could talk to.

A moment? She could imagine it, the two of them sparring, apparently in the rain, the heat of the moment, winding up with their faces close and their breathing already heavy… It was no wonder he’d been struck by it. She wondered if it was someone she knew and if she could help him in some way–right up until he said that the woman was engaged. Her jaw dropped.

“Wait…How did you find that out? Did she tell you?” she blurted out her questions in a rush, caught in her surprise. Her cheeks turned pink a moment later. “Sorry, I just mean, did she tell you herself, to stop you from getting invested, or…?”

[Cian DeGraff]

'No...?'

The answer was really "yes", but he didn't say so or anything further about it because, after a moment, he let his mouth run off without thinking about it. It wasn't every day that Cian just blurted this kind of thing out. It wasn't every day that he even had something like this to talk about. And right now, it was so damn confusing that he didn't know what to make of it, or what exactly to do about it.

'Did she tell you?'

Cian drew in a slow breath. "No," he replied quietly, seeming unbothered by her suddenly surprised words. Well, she was just as bewildered as he had been, he gathered. Like he still was. Yet, now that he shared this secret tidbit of information, he didn't know how to continue on. It was awkward and embarrassing, and he was still hating himself for it all.

He just stared as the steam rose up from his cup, blinking, and trying to figure out how to explain. If he even should explain. Then again, he brought this up to begin with- clearly he needed someone to talk to. "I thought there was...something there. Something between us," he began to explain, finally sighing out the rest of his frustrations. "She said nothing, Camille. Absolutely nothing. I found out when-" Another pause, he realized he wasn't going to try and explain that strange daze he had found himself in, when he removed her glove. "Her glove came off. I've never been so...strangely hurt and embarrassed in my entire life. All the while, she's apologizing..." Cian tiredly sighed again, running a hand through his still wet hair.

[Camille St. James]

Camille settled back down when Cian didn't get annoyed with her. Good! She wanted to hear the whole story! She leaned forward onto the table and propped her chin up in her hand as she listened to him explain a little more.

So he'd felt a connection. That made sense, seeing how worked up he was over this. And the mystery woman must have felt something too because Cian was doing a rather poor job of hiding his feelings. She couldn't have been completely unaware that the man was drawn to her, there was simply no way. In the back of her mind, she still wondered who in the world had captured Cian's heart so quickly and completely. She must be really something.

Camille wasn't stupid--she knew Cian wasn't telling the whole story about the glove 'coming off' during the sparring, but she wasn't going to press. It must have been some kind of intimate moment where they got too close (and in the pouring rain no less! How romantic!) and then one of them had removed the glove. Had he been wearing gloves? Camille cursed herself for not remembering.

"So she was wearing a ring. But she didn't say outright 'I'm engaged to someone else'? So you just assumed that." Camille prodded, looking skeptical. Goodness, Cian, people got engaged for all kinds of reasons, not all of them love, and people kept rings on after breaking off an engagement for all kinds of reasons too. There was no need to jump to conclusions and call the whole thing off! But then...how to tell him that without calling him an idiot, or sounding like a conniving bitch. Hm. There was a problem.

"Now, I understand that's a logical conclusion...but it sounds to me like there's more to it. Did she explain anything? Or just apologize and run? How did she seem? Frightened? Guilty? Embarrassed?" She peppered him with questions again, determined to dig up what was really going on here. Maybe she could find out more for him. But that meant he'd have to tell her who it was... Maybe she'd better give that a minute. She didn't want to rush him too much.

[Cian DeGraff]

Cian was honestly surprised he had even told her anything. He never spoke so openly about anything to his family, although he loved and trusted them completely. Then again, nothing like this had ever happened. Still, maybe he should have just wandered up to his room and kept to himself for a couple of days. He would get over it, he was sure. There was no point in dwelling on it, right?

Bright eyes were staring down into the dark tea of his cup when Camille claimed he was assuming something. How was that assuming? A ring on her finger and the expression that fell onto her face once she realized he noticed- no, he wasn't assuming anything. He couldn't be. If she wasn't engaged, she would have said so.

Or, by pretending, Aoife was putting him down kindly. There was also that embarrassing thought.

Soon, Cami was bombarding him with more questions, and he found himself sinking down until his head was on the table, buried in the crook of his arm. "I apologized for being...so bloody stupid, and she told me there was nothing to apologize for," he answered, his voice partially muffled. Cian paused for a moment, drawing in a slow breath as he just felt tired now. "She was quiet, maybe upset? Then she said she had to go, that...this wasn't fair on either of us." He dared to lift his head up to look at his cousin, fixing her with that exhausted and confused stare. "So, how else am I suppose to take this?" He was actually genuinely asking.

[Camille St. James]

Camille watched him sink, then leaned a little closer when he seemed to talk straight to the table. She could hear him, but it was a bit hard to make out. She did her best not to giggle when he explained he'd apologized for being stupid. If only more men were willing to do that, the world would be a better place.

How was he supposed to take it? Well, cautiously and with all the facts...exactly the opposite of how she would have done it in his shoes. She was very aware that she would have panicked just as much as Cian had done if she were in his shoes, except she'd probably have thrown in some waterworks as well. Thankfully, being the outside observer had plenty of advantages, and meant that she could face this like a job, rather than including her own feelings.

"Well, I apologize if this seems a bit callous, but there are a few possible reasons that aren't quite so simple. So your thought is, she's engaged to someone else and plans to go along with the marriage, yes? That's option 1. There are some other choices." She smiled slightly, then began to list on her fingers. "Option 2, she's engaged, but not to someone of her own choosing--she's marrying for necessity. Option 3, she's engaged but plans to call off the engagement and is too frightened or embarrassed. Option 4, she was either engaged, or married, and lost her fiance. Lots of people keep on wedding rings after being widowed, you know. And lots of women fake being engaged to get a bit more personal space, so I suppose that's option 5...though I think that's more a commoner thing to do than a noble one."

She shrugged. "You can either ask her outright or let me do some gentle asking around. Word travels in our circles, you know. I'm sure I could find the answers you need."

[Cian DeGraff]

As much as he appreciated Camille's insight on this matter, Cian was swiftly beginning to regret ever opening his mouth about it. Everything about it just felt complicated. He kept seeing Aoife's face in his head, the way her expression had changed, the glint of tears, the way she became so quickly speechless and apologetic. Did she not want him to know? What did any of it mean? And the entire time, he thought he had stepped over a boundary line...one he hadn't even known was there to begin with.

This was all beginning to get frustrating now.

Cian was still staring at her as she rattled off her assumptions, further confusing him even though he tried to pay close attention to what she was saying. "Other...choices...?" he repeated in a quiet murmur. No, he definitely shouldn't have brought this up, because he could see this all spiraling out of control very quickly. This should have just remained between him and Aoife, or well...just him. A very confused Cian.

The more Cami said, the more his face contorted in that very lost expression. It was surprised, even, as though he wondered how on earth she had managed to figure all of that out. He supposed a woman would have better insight into these things. Marriage, in any sense of the word, was never on his mind. Now, however, it was like a fiery beacon he couldn't put out. A stupid, mocking, flaming beacon.

"Ask her? Cam, she-" he paused with a sigh to sit up straighter so that he wasn't talking into the table. "I stopped her from walking away, nearly told her, said something, I don't even know..." Running his hand down his face again in frustration, he stopped from rambling and tried to focus. "But, before I could, she said...it wouldn't be fair. What does that even mean?" Well, maybe you should ask her, idiot.

No, that would be a stupid idea.

What his cousin had also said after was what made him stop and think for a moment. "You would do that? Ask around?" No, that was prying. Why did that feel wrong and invasive? Cian shook his head as if immediately dismissing that thought. "No, you shouldn't. If she wanted me to know...she would have said something. Plus-" That defeated look was returning, but he was also trying to screw his head back on straight. "I barely know her, so, what's the bloody point." He was grinding his teeth; that bright gaze drifting over to the spear he had propped up against the wall.

Now he was just being a child.

[Camille St. James]

Cian kept piping up, asking her something, then cutting himself and her off again with an argument. Camille found herself becoming almost annoyed with her cousin. No, not annoyed...exasperated. He was making this so difficult for himself! Wouldn't he investigate a crime or a mystic? Why couldn't he just ask questions in his normal life?

"You would do that? Ask around?"

"Cian."

No, you shouldn't. If she wanted me to know...she would have said something. Plus-"

"Cian…" She was a bit louder this time.

"I barely know her, so, what's the bloody point."

"Cian!" She ran a hand down her face this time. "The 'bloody point' is that clearly you like this woman. You care about what the answer is." She gave him a stern look and leaned forward with her hands on the table.

"It's not as if someone's marital status is a closely guarded secret. I'm not asking about her family arguments or her underwear drawer, I'm only going to find out whether or not she's married, and what's going on. Really, she ought to have told you herself, but for some reason, she felt like she couldn't. It could very well be she's feeling the same things you are, and it frightened her."

She shrugged and leaned back in her chair again. "You're never going to get to know her if you don't take the time to pursue more information. Are you really willing to let it go at that? To just accept that she vanished, and not ever know why?"

She raised an eyebrow in challenge. Cian might be uncertain about all this, but she thought she knew him well enough to guess his answer--no. If he didn't know what the problem was, it was going to keep bothering him. He was going to keep wondering. And maybe there would be times when he would forget, but Teronna was a smaller place than most people thought. He couldn't hide from this woman forever. And if he missed his opportunity, someone else would take it. It was as simple as that.

And, if she was honest with herself, she was going to try and find the answers whether he wanted them or not.

[Cian DeGraff]

Was he making it difficult for himself? It was hard to even understand any of it anymore when he was completely confused and never had to deal with this kind of situation before now. He couldn't discern whether these feelings were fleeting or that they would remain with him, therefore nag him until he went insane.

Knowing his luck, it would be the latter.

He hadn't heard her saying his name the first two times to get him to shut up. It was the third time that almost made him jump, and reply with a quick and sharp, "What?!" What did he miss? Probably everything. His cousin was getting frustrated with him, the gods bless her.

'It could very well be she's feeling the same things you are, and it frightened her.' Cian laughed. Why in the world was he laughing? Because he thought it was absurd or impossible? Most likely. He couldn't help but feel Aoife had been politely putting him down. He probably seemed a bit insane in that very moment, especially with what he really wanted to tell Camille.

The laughter died down, however, as his cousin continued on. 'You're never going to get to know her if you don't take the time to pursue more information. Are you really willing to let it go at that? To just accept that she vanished, and not ever know why?' Why did she have to be so smart? Well, it was the very reason why he opened up to her in the first place about this whole fiasco. Deep down he knew she'd understand, thus get him to.

His head hung low, staring down into that tea he's barely touched. "There's...another problem." As if it wasn't bad enough. It was a problem that should bother him, considering how he was raised, but he was struggling to care about the feud. Did it really involve him?

He could hear his mother shrieking right now.

Cian glanced over his shoulder to make sure they were still alone before bringing the cup up to his lips. What he said next was a jumbled murmur on purpose, "She's...aleefrye."