The scar I can't reverse...

[Eleesa Demarais]

For all the pleasantries of the last couple of days since the funeral of her husband, Eleesa couldn't let it sway her. The council was adamant on making sure she heard whatever rumors they desired her to, keeping their true secrets to themselves. One in particular revolved around Triston deGrey and the queen didn't know how to feel about it. She didn't know how to feel about any of it. As much as she wanted to believe in the deGreys' loyalties, they were still of Demarais blood. And Anne was a woman no one should turn their back on.

Was Lord deGrey the council's only choice? Were they simply flaunting the idea of him becoming regent so that she would be blind to the true candidate until it was too late? Perhaps another woman would let this play out and do nothing...but this involved her son. Her son, and he was young and impressionable still. If she did not gain the regency, she needed to be sure that whoever did would not corrupt him.

Would not let him become his father.

The idea made her throat tight as she stood at the tall window of the sitting room. Anemone and Avalynn had helped to get her ready, as well as deliver her message to request Triston's presence. The door was left open, and her girls remained in there with her; quickly, Eleesa realized how Edward's orders of her not being left alone with anyone still affected her. Or maybe, she just didn't wish to be left alone.

Fingers curled into the skirt of that flowing, teal dress, and she had made sure the gold crown rested atop coiffed blonde curls. She was still queen. She still had some sort of authority. Even if her heart was thundering and her hands were shaking.

[Triston deGrey]

Triston had received the message from Tresteria's queen. He was sympathetic to her. She had put up with that monster of a man for so long--and now he left her. To pick up the pieces and figure out a way to ensure her son grew up honorable and not like him. At least this is what Triston imagined in his own mind. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Eleesa was truly in love with her husband and was devastated by his death. Maybe she wanted her son to grow up just like him. Regardless, Triston felt horrible that she was left alone to deal with all of this.

Now she as asking to meet with him, and he couldn't help but feel nervous to speak with the woman who once held his affections but chose the king over him. He didn't know how to act around her. He was afraid of tripping over himself and his words as his nerves got the best of him.

The council had been spreading rumors around like wildfire, mainly about him taking regency, and he hated that she had to hear it from them before he had had a chance to speak with her. He was more respectful to her than to rush at her before she laid her husband to rest. But the council was sinking their teeth and claws in, trying to grasp hold of the control. Triston did not like it at all.

He made his way to the sitting room she requested to meet him. The door was open, so he stood in the doorway and still knocked on the door to at least get her attention. His palms were sweaty and he tried his best to dry them on his thighs. He cleared his throat and spoke lowly. "Your majesty? You asked to see me?" He bowed deeply and remained low for a moment before he stood back to his full height and glanced at her. She was a vision, truthfully. It was enough to take his breath away and make him even more nervous. How had he let her go so easily back then? Oh, right... He felt there was no competing with a king.

[Eleesa Demarais]

There had been no choice.

He hadn't let her go nor had she chosen another over him, even if Edward had been a king. Her father had made the arrangements, and like a dutiful daughter, she reluctantly obeyed. And it wound up being the worse thing to ever happen to her. Although physically unharmed, the years of verbal abuse, denial, and rejection had taken an emotional toll on her. And now, she didn't expect seeing Triston again in a far quieter setting, to make it all worse.

Her breath caught in her throat the moment she heard his voice, and she was slow to turn and find him there in the doorway. Suddenly, Eleesa was forgetting why she had called upon him, forgetting that her ladies were also in that room probably wondering why their queen was foolishly frozen in place.

Just breathe, Eleesa. Breathe.

"I did," she finally said; her voice soft but still audible in the quiet room. "Thank you for coming, Lord deGrey." Even if she hadn't used his first name in well over ten years, it still felt strange to be so proper right now. But that door had been open for a reason, there was a reason why he did not just find her in that room when he arrived. The queen knew the guards were nearby and listening, that the council was watching her every move. She couldn't falter or make a mistake.

But for a fleeting moment, it was all she wanted to do.

Those blue eyes watched him for a spans of a moment, so many questions at the tip of her tongue that she figured she'd never be able to ask. It shouldn't have felt so overwhelming, so suffocating, but it threatened to bring her to her knees. Then finally, lips pressed together in thought as her attention dropped to the floor in order for her to regain her strength. When those eyes rose to find him again, he'd see nothing but the queen; the woman had been forced away.

"First, I wish to say again...how sorry I am for your loss." For his loss. Not hers. It was subtle, but Eleesa no longer cared if anyone heard the lack of care in her tone. The man had been a monster, she could no longer feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Still, he had been Triston's blood. "My children miss him terribly, I'm afraid."

Was she sounding too cold now? Maybe Edward had driven her to this point.

[Triston deGrey]

Triston smiled at her gratitude and he nodded. "Of course. I hope everything is alright?" He was unsure what exactly she wished to speak to him about, but he had an idea and he was sure it involved the council and the rumors.


He took a step closer towards her but stopped, his dark eyes lingered on her for perhaps too long, but how could he not? She was beautiful, and her dress made her look even more so. When her eyes lifted again to find him, he caught sight of her eyes before he glanced down to the floor, listening as she gave her condolences. It confused him to hear her say such, and he found himself looking to her again, his features softening to his own expression of sympathy. "My queen...Thank you. But it is I who should be saying such. You've lost your husband... Your sons have lost their father. My condolences are deeply with you and your family... If there is anything I can do..." His voice trailed off, not really knowing how to finish his sentence. He would do anything to help, and perhaps that was evident in his tone, though he did not know how to prove his loyalty and his genuine concern.  


He wanted to reach out to her, to embrace her and hold her. To tell her that everything would be alright and he would do whatever he could to fight to have her claim regency herself. But he couldn't bring himself to do either of those things. Perhaps it was inappropriate. Especially for a newly widowed woman.


Triston wanted to say a million things to her at the moment, but he couldn't quite find the right words to say. So he just remained quiet for now, awaiting to hear why she had sent for him.

[Eleesa Demarais]

She hated how her heart immediately leapt into her throat when he took that one, single step forward, only to stop himself. It had been a decade since anything had transpired between them, and even then, Eleesa hadn't been entirely sure if it had been anything. To her, it had quickly begun to blossom into something genuine...only for her father to crush that desire and wed her to a king. After all, a king was a more valuable son-in-law than a duke, as he had said.

Perhaps Eleesa had been too young and naive. Just because Triston had smiled, had been kind and charming, caring beyond all measure, it still could mean nothing. He was that way with a lot of people, and many women could not be faulted for falling for him. The queen had believed (and still wanted to believe) that Lord deGrey was an honest man, just like Aric. It was why she had called him here.

Not to lose and forget herself in memories from so long ago.

And here she was, being cold. "No," she told him maybe a little too quickly. Eleesa swallowed the hard lump in her throat as she had to look back out the window to gather herself. "My sons have lost their father, and Tresteria their king." She was correcting him. Anyone else that did not remotely know her could give all the sympathy in the world, but she would not pretend with everyone. She simply couldn't. Her heart already ached.

Her hands were shaking and she clasped them in front of her as she dared to meet that dark gaze of his with her own bright blues. With his hope of helping, Eleesa drew in a slow, deep breath. "Am I correct to assume these rumors of you are true?" She had wanted her tone to bite and sound stern, but although it was authoritative, it had been lacking. All she wanted to do was be angry and was finding it difficult to be. "That the council is vying for your run as regent?"

[Triston deGrey]

Triston frowned deeply when Elessa corrected him, basically hinting at the fact that she was not mourning her husband. He had heard the rumors of what Edward had become, and that he had become rather unfaithful to Eleesa, which only made him hurt more for the fact that she had married him. He had thought many times about going to her-- to steal her away. But Edward would have surely had his head for it. It was alright for him to be unfaithful, but anyone else would have been looked at as inappropriate.

He sighed softly, wanting to go to her, but his feet would not allow him to move towards her. Instead he stood there, looking at her with an empathetic expression. “Eleesa….” He nearly whispered her name inaudibly. He should not be so informal with her, it was wrong. But his heart ached for her.

Maybe she did not hear him, or chose to ignore his informally addressing her, because she was suddenly asking him about rumors that she had been hearing. He raised a brow and looked at her curiously. “Rumors, majesty?” When she explained what she meant, Triston’s heart sank and his gaze fell to the floor for a moment. He shook his head slightly before looking back at her. “Partially.” He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “I have not given them an answer yet. I was hoping to speak with you and Aric about it first.” He took another step closer towards her and sighed. “You should be queen regent, majesty… No one else should be vying for such. It is rightfully yours, and I will do everything I can to try and convince them of such…” He sighed and shook his head. “And if not, it should be Aric, as he is the king’s brother… But with him now the king of Aralore…” He trailed off slightly. “Tell me what I can do for you, my queen. I will do whatever it is you need of me… I will convince whomever you need me to. I am at your service, you should know this… My loyalty has always been with you.”

[Eleesa Demarais]

Was it wrong of her to need some sort of comfort? Eleesa denied herself this as much as possible because she feared it would make her weak. Anemone and Avalynn were the only ones to see her come close...but still she refrained from letting the weight of this all bury her. It would only further solidify the Council's opinion on her and women in the regency.

Even still, when he quietly spoke her name, the way he took that one step forward, the queen nearly broke down. She felt like she barely knew this man now, only remembering memories, most of which she might have glorified- why would she seek comfort from him? Why should he even want to offer it?

Eleesa managed to keep her attention upon him, allowing him the time to answer and explain. Her initial reaction had been to fight him, to argue, to tell him to back off. It's what she would have done to anyone...but she wasn't. "We both know he will not stay…" she said of Aric. "He's found happiness again, and I...cannot deny him that." Eleesa had a feeling that if she asked, truly asked him to stay, he probably would. But she would feel guilty, especially if there was someone else who she could trust to take the regency.

The question was, though: could she trust Triston? Aric seemed to, and Eleesa trusted her brother-in-law with her life. With the life of her son.

"I intend to fight, Lord deGrey, but I suspect you already knew that." She was desperately trying to hold it together but her voice kept wavering. Against anyone else, she could stand straight and be stern. Why was she faltering now?

Swallowing the lump within her throat, she turned to face him fully now; a hand waving for her ladies to step out and shut the door. When they had, bright blues found his face again. "What I need to know, should the Council's pathetically misogynistic ways deem me unfit...is if I can trust you." Perhaps it was a harsh thing to say, but there was so much riding on this. "Aric claims that I can...but this is my son. I cannot and will not stand idly by while someone else raises him to be just like his father." This was why she had the girls leave and close the door, because the queen's voice was raising and she was speaking ill of the late king. But she was terrified of it, and wasn't trying to hide that fact from her face. "If you fight them, they may not trust you at all." That hurt her more to say, but it was truth.

[Triston deGrey]

Triston watched as Eleesa's ladies were dismissed and quietly left without hesitation. When the door was shut again, his gaze shifted back to the Tresterian queen. He had no doubt that she would fight to claim the regency. He believed that she was a strong woman, despite what William thought when he claimed that she was not fit for the throne.

He stood steady and unmoving as the queen spoke, raising her voice and speaking ill of King Edward. She was asking him if she could trust him and Triston just didn't know how to answer that question. He could easily say that she could, and he honestly felt that she could--but those were just words that anyone could say.

Triston said nothing, allowing her to rant and get everything off her chest before he would finally speak, his voice low and gentle. "Forgive me, my queen... But I am nothing like Edward is...was... and I never will be." His eyes held an expression of hurt, yet also concern. He shook his head. "You do not need someone else to raise your own sons, Eleesa. You are their mother and no one but you should be raising them. Only you can truly raise them to be the men you want them to." He sighed quietly. "I cannot tell you to trust me--that is your own decision to make. Me simply telling you that you can, means absolutely nothing... Anyone can tell you this and not mean it. But what I can tell you, is that I will be here for you. For your sons, as a mentor... As someone to teach them and guide them through life." He studied the queen for a moment before he spoke again. "I may not have children of my own... But I love my niece dearly and would do anything for her... Your sons are no different."

He thought for a moment, trying to think of an analogy to explain how he felt, what he thought. "The council is nothing more than a game of chess... A Game being played against your will. They will take any chance they have to move you around the board as they see fit. They will drag you from square to square... And you need to learn to master the rules of the game until you play it better than they can. And if you cannot... If you do not know how to play the game... You should not find someone to play it for you, majesty... But someone who would be willing to play it with you."

He smiled at her, a gentle, warm, and reassuring smile. "Find someone you can trust who does not wish to replace you or your family...But to work with you. I can promise you, I have no desire to take the throne for myself. It is young Edwards... And I would do everything I possibly could to mentor him properly."
Triston had said a lot now, and he would fall quiet then, allowing his words to fade so she could think on them.

[Eleesa Demarais]

They had just danced last evening, and yet, she was standing there a short distance away from him...afraid to move any closer. Afraid of so many things other than her own confusion.

In all truth, Triston had done nothing wrong. Nothing that she was aware of, at least. From what she could recall, he was a good man, and Aric always thought so, too. He'd said it repeatedly during the journey from Aralore. Her brother-in-law was also a good man as well, and one she fully trusted...so why was she afraid to accept Lord deGrey's help?

It was a fragile thing, and all of this was strangely harder to get control of. Right now, she wasn't as strong as she hoped and claimed to be.

Her venting words, at least, managed to take part of the weight off of her shoulders, but Eleesa only felt a little better; she still felt like she might crumble at any moment. There was so much she needed to figure out, so much that she was yet aware of, and here was Triston standing before her, trying to assure her that she could lean on him.

What was wrong with her? Had Edward damaged her that much?

'But I am nothing like Edward is...was... and I never will be. The queen knew this. Deep down, in every fiber of her being, she knew this. The guilt, that she had somehow made him feel otherwise, became quite clear upon her face while she watched him, listening to him closely, listening to him explain himself when he shouldn't have had to. Were you to ask anyone, they would say the same thing about Triston deGrey- he was an honest and humble man. A good man.

'If you do not know how to play the game...You should not find someone to play it for you, majesty...But someone who would be willing to play it with you.' That shouldn't have been a surprise to hear from him, but those words brought her to a pause. Watered blues focused on him more than they had been before, her breath caught in her throat, and Eleesa almost didn't know what to say. For a brief moment, she felt as though she could actually stand a little straighter, feel the smallest bit of weight rise from her shoulders once more.

Breath staggered within her chest before she let it out slowly; taking a few steps closer to him, willing herself not to cry, forcing herself to remain standing straight. The womanly side of her wanted to fall into his arms, to feel his comfort more than just hear it...but the queen side kept her back. "Then help me," she whispered to accept his offer, afraid if she spoke any louder her voice might crack. "Please." Her gaze drifted towards the ground while fingers curled into the front of her skirts nervously. "Understand that...I didn't mean to doubt you, but...it is difficult to know who I can trust."

She couldn't even trust her own husband.

[Triston deGrey]

Triston watched the queen as she seemingly struggled with something. He saw the guilt on her features, and it made him pause. She had absolutely nothing to be guilty for. Everyone knew how Edward had gotten--How the council was... She had every right to mistrust anyone. But he wanted to assure her that he was only vying for the regency to help. To help her, to help her sons and to help avoid the wrong person from taking control.

He just did not know how to show that or to get that point across with being genuine and not seeming as if he was lying to win her trust. He sighed quietly and watched her.
As she took a step closer to him, he held his breath for a moment. Triston wasn't quite sure what to expect. Would she confront him some more for his words?

What he didn't expect, was for her to whisper, asking him to help her. He frowned and took a step closer as if to embrace her, but he stopped himself. It wasn't proper.

"I know..." He quietly responded to her. In truth, Triston didn't know who could be trusted either. He had a few ideas, but overall, the Tresteria court seemed corrupted and needed to be changed. Somehow. He was silent for a moment before he spoke again. "I will do whatever I can to help, your majesty... I am on your side. Please tell me what I can do for you... Whether it's something you need right now, at this moment... Or later... years from now... I am..." He hesitated, his breath caught in his chest for the briefest of moments as he pondered his words. "... I am forever at your service, my queen." He bowed deeply to her, his gaze lifting to meet hers again.

[Eleesa Demarais]

Her mind was filled with various emotions, making it difficult to know whether she should remain steadfast or backup and shrink like she had been so used to doing. It was a wonder how Eleesa hadn't completely forgotten who she was after all these years of having to remain nothing but a shadow, or to remain a fixture in the background to their king. It hadn't been much of a life, and the only reason she hadn't tried taking her own life (which had been a dark idea she had thought about several times) was because she did not wish to leave her sons to the will of their father. And now, it was to the council.

Regardless of how tall she tried to stand, she still needed people on her side...and she desperately hoped and prayed that Lord deGrey could be one of them. That he could be trusted and relied upon. Were this ten years ago, she wouldn't have questioned him, yet time changed things. Everything that had once been was now different and it would forever remain a dull ache in her heart. Fate had led her down a different path, away from him, down something dark and winding. Even with Edward gone, Eleesa feared she would not find her way back to the light. Back to how things could have and should have been.

It was too late. She was older now, and used up by a king who clearly hadn't truly wanted her to begin with. What man would ever desire that? The shattered remnants of a woman.

The breath was caught within her throat as she lifted her attention to him. Even with each step they seemed to take closer to each other, there was always this space, a threshold she couldn't cross yet found herself desperate to. But his words were slowly and silently reeling her in, his gaze claiming her full attention as they had done so so many times before. His voice rang with sincerity, but she also saw it in those dark depths. How could she have ever doubted him?

"Be my eyes and ears when I cannot be present," she quietly managed to say. The council held meetings and she would surely not be allowed to attend, even if it was discussing the matters of her son's reign and welfare. "I don't know if I can fight this and win...but I will try."

She kept the tears in her eyes from falling as she dared a couple steps closer, drawing his hand into both of her own. How did such a simple gesture feel so surreal and familiar, and yet so distant at the same time? For a fleeting moment, she nearly asked him what might have been if she hadn't been forced to marry Edward. In that span of a heartbeat, she wanted to know if his feelings had ever mirrored her own, or if her heart had been young and naive. Yet she said none of this, because it was foolish.

"Thank you," she said, unable to meet his eyes now. Instead, she simply looked down at their hands, struggling to keep her composure. "You, right now, Triston...are my son's only hope." Swallowing the hard lump in her throat, she continued to struggle with the tears and sobs that were now welling up within her chest. A strong woman wouldn't cry, she tried to convince herself. All she had done nearly every night for a decade was cry. "I don't want him...to become just like him..." These words left her lips in a quivering whisper before she could stop them. She knew she had said this before, but it was her greatest fear after all she had mentally endured.

[Triston deGrey]

Ten years ago. He had thought there was something between them-- that she trusted in him. Ten years ago, he may have been in love with the woman who stood in front of him now. Maybe he still was. Those feelings had never changed but perhaps had just been dormant within him for so long. He never knew of Eleesa's feelings towards him, and he doubted that she had any.

Fate had certainly led them down different paths in life, ruining whatever could have been. But now, fate was slowly pushing them back together with Edward's passing. Or maybe it was just him hoping.

Triston kept his eyes on her, noticing that sadness that seemed to possess her. He wanted so badly to reach out to her, to pull her into his arms. But he couldn't bring himself to move any closer. What if she did not wish for his embrace?

When she spoke, Triston simply nodded. He could do that much for her--be her eyes and ears. He had told her already that he would do anything he could to help her fight and win, and he meant that. Even if it was to become regent himself, he would only do so to help her and her sons--not to take over as he was sure the others vying for the regency would do.

Brown eyes watched Eleesa as she stepped even closer towards him, closing up that space as she took his hand into her own. His gaze fell to their hands for the briefest of a moment before they returned to look into her eyes. He noticed the tears pooling in her eyes and it caused him to hold his breath, his heart began to beat wildly in his chest as it took everything in him not to reach out and touch her face, to pull her into an embrace.

As she thanked him and admitted that he was her son's only hope, Triston frowned and shook his head. "No. You are majesty. You are his hope..." He whispered gently, trying to remind her of that strength within her. But when she spoke those words again, Triston's resolve finally broke, and with his free hand that she did not hold, he reached up and placed a finger under her chin to urge her to look at him. He found her eyes and he looked at her with a serious expression before he spoke. "He won't...Not if you have anything to do with him..." He hesitated for a moment, removing his hand from her face. "...And not if you allow me to help you..."

[Eleesa Demarais]

Ten years ago. It was such a long time, and so much could change in that time. Eleesa knew she had changed...but it hadn't been for the better. She had been forced to remain quiet, to be someone that was simply seen and not heard, used both body and soul and given to a man who had sparsely given her the love she knew she deserved. And even through it all, she had been loyal to him. She suffered for him, while he did quite the opposite.

Now she was broken and used up, and this was how her life was to be until she drew her last breath- remembering the horrible past and withering away into the future. But this was so hard to accept when those dark eyes looked at her, filled with concern. Maybe it was just for her situation, yet dare Eleesa silently think it was something else besides that. Something more.

This distraught feeling was making her wistful, and she knew it had to end.

She ached to just stand there. The queen wanted to believe she was stronger than this, than all of this, but ever since Edward's death, she hadn't truly been able to just break down and give in to the overwhelming emotions that consumed, and that continued to place weight against her heart. Even now, she fought to keep her tears from falling because the moment they did, she would be lost.

Gaze lowered when he tried to assure her that she was her son's hope. Eleesa desperately wanted to believe that, but, if she was not granted the regency, how could she be of any help to little Edward? She'd simply be his mother and the council would teach and dictate who he was and who he would become, no matter what she tried to enforce behind closed doors. She was afraid of this.

The breath was caught within her throat when he urged her face up to look at him, and she feared he would be able to hear the loud, thundering beats of her heart. It took every ounce of her will and strength not to lean into him, to seek his warmth and his comfort, the very same she saw in those brown eyes. Yet, all she could do was nod slowly in understanding and appreciation of his words. "Thank you," she whispered. "I owe you...so much right now..." Without his help, she would have been left alone to deal with this. There were those who supporter her, of course, but there was little that they could do.

Finally, and regretfully, letting go of his hand, she took a step back as her breath staggered within her chest, as if suddenly remembering who she was and where they were. "And...thank you for meeting with me."

[Triston deGrey]

This was so very difficult for him. To want to reach out to her, to embrace and hold her, to take away the pain she felt and make her smile-- yet, he felt powerless to do any of it. He kept reminding himself they were only friends and nothing more. She was queen of Tresteria and he had already lost his chance with her. What would she want with him now? He was no prince or king, just a simple nobleman who felt he may have the chance to fight for her regency. Not for himself as most people would fight for, but rather for her and the people of Tresteria.

He shook his head, brows lowering in confusion by her words. She owed him? He did not see why or how she owed him anything. "You do not, my queen. Not yet... Not ever..."
Triston watched as she pulled her hand away from his and took a step back. He instantly felt the coldness that replaced her presence in front of him. He nodded to her, "you're welcome."

Brown eyes lingered on her for a moment before he bowed deeply to her. "I hope I am leaving you in a better state of mind and ease than when I entered." He smiled softly and stood to his full height again. "I will talk with you again, soon." He bowed again before taking a few steps back and away from her, towards the door, turning and quietly leaving.

[Eleesa Demarais]

Eleesa could feel the tension lingering between them, and she couldn't be sure if it was just herself feeling it...or if it stemmed from him as well. She was finding him incredibly hard to read because she feared she was being blinded by her own thoughts and feelings. For awhile, she thought these emotions had disappeared, that she had moved on. But now that she no longer had a particular set of judging eyes upon her, she couldn't help but think about things from the past...things from so long ago...

Despite his gentle refusal, she did feel like she owed him. For everything. This was a great burden to plant upon his shoulders, and he was taking it willingly. Apparently to help her, as well as the people. He was a good man and it nearly killed her. A part of her wished she could simply hate him because it would make things easier, it would be less confusing. For her, at least.

Fingers were curling tightly into the front of her skirts as he bowed and bid her farewell. 'I hope I am leaving you in a better state of mind and ease than when I entered.' Oh, in ways, he certainly was. In other ways, her mind was even more jumbled. But Eleesa offered a soft smile and nod of her head anyway. "You have, Triston," came her quiet reply. Her heart leapt back into her throat as she watched him leave. "Goodbye..." Her voice was even softer now so he may not have heard her. It was only when he stepped from the room did she realize she had been holding her breath. And somehow, her heart just ached even more than before.

[ end thread ]