Post by Nemeris Arundel on Mar 26, 2020 20:40:15 GMT -5
[EOIN] It had been a day since he left Nemeris' manor. Nearly a day since he had met with Alexandria and had all of that realization come crashing down on him again, tenfold this time. He hadn't returned right away, not only because he wasn't sure if he even should, but because he didn't want to sit idle. Eoin did his best thinking when he was working on something, doing something, and he began to build a new little cabin right there near the lake. The forest was too damaged still where the old lodges were, so he would begin here. Alexandria mentioned him commanding the rangers again, but...that was something he'd have to think about on further. He wasn't ready, and he wasn't entirely sure if or when he would be. The ring and that necklace were nothing but constant reminders of a heartache he had to get over...so he had buried them within the soil, right beneath where he had begun to build. It were as though they were the seed that would grow, be the beginnings of this new life he had to now find. Eoin didn't feel right selling them, and he couldn't bear keeping them. If she didn't want them, why should he? So it was early evening by the time Eoin was wandering back towards the manor, if only to gather up what little belongings he had. If Nem would even let him back inside after what had transpired. [d]
[NEMERIS] She had completely humiliated herself with Eoin, and it was quite evident of that, especially since he hadn't returned. Either he was avoiding her or Alexandria had went against her marriage and spent the night with him. Either way, it didn't save her from the embarrassment. Though he had left her a note, she simply took that as him just trying to be respectful and not completely leave without saying anything. So it was back to doing things by herself. What she was used to. Eoin had been right about one thing, though. Why did she need such a manor for just her? It collected dust and only reminded her of the dark loneliness of her life. As Eoin was approaching, Nemeris was outside gathering up some of the wood he had cut for her. Her arms were full with a bundle as she walked back to the front of her house, only stopping when she spotted him. Honestly, what could she even say to him now? She gave him a questioning glance before taking a few steps closer to her door. "I'm assuming you just came back for your things?" She finally questioned him, turning back to look at him as she reached the front of her house. [d]
[EOIN] Perhaps he shouldn't feel strange about going back...but he did. She had been out of line, but it was at least something he could forgive, but there was no saying that she would forgive him for the denial. For getting up and leaving really early in the morning without any word except for a note. At least, she would have known where he was going. The queen had her letter sent straight here. His pace slowed, spotting her as she made her way back to the door, until he stopped a few feet away. Eoin sighed, wanting to help her with that armful of wood, but stayed where he was. And all he could do was shrug. "Not entirely, no," he replied calmly, still unsure of her mood. [d]
[NEMERIS] "Not entirely, no?" She repeated his words but in a question, because what other reason would he have had to come back? She honestly wouldn't have blamed him for not coming back. But before he could answer her, she let out a sigh and spoke quickly. "Can we just forget what happened? I should not have...I wasn't thinking..." She paused and didn't even bother finishing that sentence because she just wanted to forget about it. She wasn't sure if Eoin would be able to forget it though, but she hoped he would. She shifted slightly, trying to get a better grasp around the logs, as they were starting to get heavy as she stood there with them. [d]
[EOIN] He let out a soft sigh of relief when she spoke again. It had made things very awkward and he had assumed they still would...but perhaps not. He had enough going on in his mind to not need to think about what had happened, what didn't happen or what could have. Far more important things to worry about. Stepping forward, he'd take the bundle from her arms with a gentle nod. "Yes," he quickly answered her. "It's fine. Already forgotten." Mostly, but again...least important thing on his mind right now. [d]
[NEMERIS] She hesitated for a moment with letting him take the bundle from her arms, simply because she was accustomed to doing these things on her own, and if he wasn't planning on sticking around, she would still need to get used to doing these things on her own. But Eoin already took them from her before she could say anything, and just in time because a moment longer, and she might have dropped them all. Next time, a smaller load, she thought to herself. She sighed after he spoke and she responded with a silent, "thank you." Whether that was for him taking the logs from her, or that he agreed to forget about what was said the other night, she wouldn't specify, but she was honestly thankful for both. She wouldn't bring it up again. "Are you hungry? I have some brick bread, if you would like." She really didn't, but she thought it might get a laugh out of him, especially since she said it so nonchalantly. With her arms now free, she stepped up to the door and opened it, holding it open for him. [d]
[EOIN] Maybe, if she didn't kick him out before then, he would try to bring him some more logs for the fire, begin a small pile next to the hearth so she wouldn't have to keep going in and out like this. At least not for a short while. "Of course," he replied quietly with a nod. He didn't know what he was answering to, but it really didn't matter either way. Following her back inside, he moved to find a place to put the logs down. "No, I'm alright, thanks," he said with the slightest of grins. The wood was placed next to the main hearth. "I've, uh, started to rebuild my lodge-" A pause. "Well, it's more of a small cabin...away from the damage." He didn't know why he suddenly said that, but he didn't really know what else to talk about. [d]
[NEMERIS] When he declined her brick-bread and only slightly grinned, Nemeris frowned a bit. She hesitated a moment and was about to say something, but he was already talking and telling her what he had been up to for the last day. Her brows furrowed a bit and she looked somewhat surprised. "Oh?" She wasn't really sure how to really respond to that. "Well, that is good." It was a bit reassuring to her, a little. Maybe it was proof that he was planning on staying in Aralore at least. Quietly, she moved over to the hearth and crouched down in front of it to start a fire. She wanted to ask him how things went with Alexandria, because she actually genuinely cared, but she was afraid to pour salt on the open wound, if it had gone bad and he was pained by it. Instead, she looked over at him as she started placing some logs into the hearth. "Are you alright?" Her voice was rather gentle, yet hesitant. He could talk about it if he wanted to. Or he could simply say he was fine and move on from the topic if he wanted to do that instead. Either way, she'd still be a friend to him, willing to listen to whatever he needed or wanted to talk about. [d]
[EOIN] She would certainly understand why he was probably in a strange mood. He was okay, for the most part...but he wasn't absolutely fine. Of course he wasn't, and may not be for quite some time. Only time would tell how things would go. Eoin had basically said he would stay, or try to, but everything else? As the silence lingered, he just stood there, unsure of what to do or say. Fortunately (or unfortunately?), she was asking him that inevitable question, and he could only sigh. "I...guess I will be?" Eoin shrugged, walking to the nearest window to look out and just keep himself occupied. "She gave me the necklace and ring back," he quietly added. "I buried them." Maybe that would fill her in on what exactly went down. [d]
[NEMERIS] She did not look at him as he walked over to the window, as she was busy trying to start a fire. The winter was coming and it was definitely starting to get cold, especially in her manor. She cursed slightly under her breath as it was proving to be difficult and non cooperative with starting the fire. But when Eoin spoke, she turned her gaze over to him and frowned. "I'm sorry..." So then it did not go as Eoin was probably hoping for deep down. Not if she had given the pieces of jewelry back. Although she understood why the queen had given the jewelry back to him, she could feel how Eoin wouldn't really know what else to do with them, aside from bury them. "It will take some time..." She sighed quietly, not knowing what else to say. "Is there anything I can do for you?" Though she knew there most likely wouldn't be anything for her to help him with, other than offer her friendship and understanding.
She glanced back at the hearth and went back to fighting with getting the stupid fire going. [d]
[EOIN] He couldn't help but wonder if, deep down, he really was hoping things would smooth over. As much as he thought about Alexandria, maybe even pined for her during his time in captivity...he wasn't the same person. And maybe, in a way, he knew that she wasn't, either. Eoin couldn't help but feel like it would have been strange, maybe feel a bit foreign if she was not tied to someone else. Was that wrong of him to think about? Shouldn't he be reeling in agony or breaking down completely? There was certainly heartache despite all of these thoughts, and although he had an entire year without her, he still had to learn to be normal again, learn to live without her in his life like that. Just shrugging at her apology, he was at a loss for words again for a few seconds before eventually sighing. "I know," he said. Everything would take time. When he woke up in the middle of the night, he still felt like he was waking up in that cold cell. Which was probably why he preferred sleeping out on the cold ground last night. When he opened his eyes, it took him a shorter time to realize he was safe, noticing those stars above. "No," Eoin answered her quietly with a light shake of his head. "Thanks, though." There was really nothing more he could say about it, so talking would be pointless. [d]
[NEMERIS] She finally got the fire started and threw a log in the hearth before she sat on the floor in front of it. Her knees were drawn up to her chest and she wrapped her arms around them before resting her head down on her knees and turning her gaze over to him. "Why did you come back, then?" He had said it wasn't just to get his things. He seemingly did not want to talk about what had happened--she could get the hint by his one worded responses. And she really did not know what else to say to him--as she was not going to pry or force him to talk about it. [d]
[EOIN] There really was nothing to talk about, that was the thing. Alexandria cried and apologized, they essentially broke up which was something that had already supposedly happened a year ago when he "died". She loved and cared for her new husband and he could only pray that the man was good to her. Alexandria said he was, but Eoin would believe it when he saw it. He was Tresterian after all. Holding back a sigh, he shrugged a single shoulder at her question. He came back to get his things, certainly, but as he said, that wasn't the whole truth. "I guess...to let you know that I'm not mad at you or anything." [d]
[NEMERIS] "Oh." She said simply, her gaze drifting back to the fire, which was crackling and burning nicely now. "Well, thank you for that." She let a small chuckle, nearly inaudible, out of her nose and rested her chin down onto her arms. What else was she supposed to say? She could almost feel the pain and unease coming from him, and it left her feeling at loss for words. "Come sit with me?" Nemeris turned her gaze to look at him again. She was trying to forget what had happened-what was said--but couldn't help but feel awkward about it all. Though she appreciated that he was willing to let go of it, so she was trying. "Tell me about this cabin you are planning on building?" [d]
[EOIN] Honestly, he was acting a little strange and quiet for his own reasons, and not what had transpired the other night. Although she had taken him quite off guard, it was something he could get over and forget. But everything else? Well, that was going to be the challenge. Eoin already thought he was doing fairly well, but some things still kept him uncertain and confused.
Unsure, maybe.
At her request, he finally moved from the window to take a seat beside her in front of the fire. That small grin curled his mouth again. "Not much to tell." Wow, he was just full of conversation tonight, wasn't he? "I'm not building it by the old lodges. The forest is far too damaged there. And this...well, this one is just for me." Even if he took up command of the rangers again, he didn't plan on living near any of them. Maybe he preferred to be alone now. He no longer had a clan anymore. [d]
[NEMERIS] Well, she tried to make conversation, but it wasn't working, and she genuinely understood though. When he sat down next to her, she reached for his hand and held it in her own for a moment, instantly absorbing his emotions and understanding him a bit more. He wouldn't need to talk about it, but she could feel it now. A slight frown as she hesitantly let go of his hand, in case he did not want her touching him. A quiet sigh escaped her and she looked at him as he spoke more about the cabin he was planning on building. She smirked and nudged him lightly. "Why, you don't wish to stay with me?" Her tone sarcastic, maybe to try and lighten his mood a bit. Was he reverting back to his wanting to be alone? Did she need to remind him how miserable she was? [d]
[EOIN] He was trying, but he realized he was still a little...stunned, perhaps? Still a little lost, despite knowing this was what was going to happen. He had known, deep down, that Alexandria moved on. And in ways he also had. The difference was, he didn't have that next step, had nothing to move onto right now. She did. Enveloped in his own thoughts, his slate-colored eyed trained on the flickering flames in front of him, he barely realized she had taken his hand. Now that Eoin had stopped working, it was like he was shutting down. Not necessarily in a negative way, just that his body didn't know what else to do if he wasn't moving around. Blinking, he smirked lightly again at her words. "I don't belong in a place like this. You know that." It wasn't him. It made him feel couped up. And although being out in the forest meant he'd be alone, it was still different for him. He felt like he could breathe out there. [d]
[NEMERIS] She understood how he was feeling, now, and he didn't need to say anything. It was a hard situation that Eoin was in, and she felt near helpless to try to help him out. She smirked faintly at his words and waved her hand dismissively. "I suppose not. But you can stay as long as you need or want to. Until your cabin is built. Plus, you still need to train me on hunting." She laughed quietly, mainly because she just couldn't imagine herself out there hunting--but she would try it regardless. As long as he'd be patient with her, too.
Sighing, she leaned back, her arms holding herself up from behind her now, and she stared into the fire. "I am sorry I am dull and boring." She smirked. "I was once a princess of a land... Not sure if you knew that about me?" Her gaze glanced back at him, then. "So I was bred to be nothing but a face and a body to produce heirs... Neither of which got me very far, it would seem." [d]
[EOIN] There really was nothing anyone could do, honestly. Nothing he could do but find a new routine and work with it, move on and find a new purpose. And that might very well be the upcoming new war coming to Aralore's doorstep... Eoin chuckled softly. "You just let me know when your busy schedule allows you time for hunting." Although he was teasing, since it seemed she never left this manor, he still meant it. He'd be spending his time in the forest regardless, so it didn't matter to him when. If she really wanted to learn. At her next words, his attention was drifting sidelong to her, wondering where that self berating was coming from. But she would continue, and those grey eyes blinked at her in mild surprise. "No, I didn't know..." he said quietly before she continued. Eoin was quiet for a long moment after before his attention drifted back to the fire. "Maybe you were bred for such things...but you've been granted a freedom- whether wanted or not- to do whatever it is you want. So...why don't you?" Staying alone in this manor didn't exactly scream this is the life I want to him. [d]
[NEMERIS] Perhaps Eoin didn't fully understand the life of a woman, especially one of royalty. Though, he might say he did because of Alexandria--but she was different. She hadn't grown up in the atmosphere like Nemeris had. She sat up straighter and shrugged her shoulders. "And what would I do, Eoin?" She laughed, almost a sarcastic and saddened laugh. There was no purpose to her life, really. Not anymore. She didn't know how to do anything, other than what she already did--None of which was really deemed acceptable in this life. "There's no such thing as freedom. Not for me." She shook her head, then and glanced back at the fire. Nemeris would always be trapped, whether it was within herself, or by everyone around her. It was just the way her life was--The way she was. [d]
[EOIN] He didn't need to know the life of a royal woman because she wasn't wearing a crown right now, was she? The ranger actually rolled his eyes, but it wasn't in the usual, humorous way. She always did this. "Really? And what would you call this house? It's only a cell if you want it to be, so don't start that." Maybe his own life's circumstances was making him far more blunt. Maybe because he realized that nothing was ever certain, and if you didn't live your life day to day, there was just no point to living. "I see no damn crown on your head, Nem. That means, you do have the freedom to do what you want. You have the chance to at least try." But instead, she wanted to sit in this dark manor and wallow in self pity. He's been there, done that. [d]
[NEMERIS] "I have tried, Eoin....It's pointless! I'm not cut out for this kind of life. I don't know what to do with myself... I have no purpose. I have a son back home, that I probably will never get to see again... I have fucked up everything in my life. So what's the damn point? What freedom do I have? I can't just start over. It doesn't just work like that..." She sighed and looked away from him. "It doesn't for me." She wasn't sure how to explain it, or what else to say. Her whole life--her purpose, was so far away from her. And when she tried to start over, it had backfired horribly. She took that as a sign, really, as harsh as that sign was. "You're a good person. You have the skill set to literally rebuild your life. It's not like that for me." [d]
[EOIN] Here they went with this conversation again. Only, he knew a little bit more about her...just not enough for him to change his opinion on the matter. He didn't bother to look over at her, because he knew he would just roll his eyes again or look very unsympathetic. "All I'm hearing are poor excuses. You have no purpose because you don't do anything but sit here. Aren't you the ambassador? Why aren't you at the castle trying to help with Saelis while the queen is away? Take some damn initiative." Well, Eoin was certainly not in the mood to try and make anyone feel better, and it could be because the residual hurt he felt was finally leaving him in the only way he knew how to express. Or, he could very well think she's full of shit, believing she was smart enough to figure out how to better her life instead of complain about it. But, maybe that was what made them totally different people. He was climbing up to his feet now, since he expected her to tell him to leave her dungeon of a home- because that was apparently what it was. "It's only pointless because you make it so. You're not a withered old hag, Nemeris. You have plenty of time to better your life...you just choose not to because you tried, what, once? With some-" Eoin stopped his sentence right there. She already knew what he thought about Brennus, and there was no point in bringing that topic back up again. He'd hurt her enough with it. "You're smarter than this...which is why I struggle believing that this helpless, angry act is really you. How long have you been from your home?" There was only a brief pause because he wasn't expecting her to answer. It'd been long enough. "You can start over. You just have to stop being afraid to fuckin' try." [d]
[NEMERIS] Green-blue eyes narrowed at him as he started to berate her for her words and how she felt about her own life. Really, Eoin? He never walked a day in her shoes--he hadn't a clue about her or her life. How dare he. She stared up at him as he stood up and continued to scold her. When he finished, she just sat there quietly, as if letting his words sink in. Nemeris stood up and placed her hands on her hips, and stared at him. "I never said I was a good ambassador...Nor did I really want the position. Alexandria asked me to do it, and how do you say no to a queen? And what do you mean while the queen is away?" She hadn't heard about what had happened. She took a step closer to him. "And there is no helpless, angry act. This is who I have become. And everyone knows me as this cold bitter woman ....and that's what I am. Anything else, and I'll be accused of something-- Of being out of character. Of being not me." She shook her head, "you are standing here as if you're trying to change who I am... Like you know who I am... Or what I am capable of. But you don't know who I am... and you don't know what I am capable of." She stepped closer to him and shoved him back. "And I am not afraid to try! As I said, I have tried... And not just with Brennus, if that is what you were planning on saying. But yes... I tried. And it got me no where but back down... So tell me why I should try anymore?" She had moved closer to him again, grabbing hold of his shirt and pulling him towards her as if threatening him. Though what could she do to him? "Tell me why!" [d]
[EOIN] Yes, really. A life was what you made of it. Were she still confined to a crown, behind castle walls, that was a different story...but she confined herself behind these walls. "You say no." Alexandria herself often said she wasn't an ordinary queen- so why should her subjects accept foolish positions they couldn't even excel in? "You you clearly have no idea as to what's going on around here, do you? That Alexandria left for Tresteria to go bury the king? If you have no idea, it's not only her fault for somehow forcing you into some political position you care nothing for...it's also yours-" he began, his voice beginning to raise as well. "Because you think it's expected of you to hide away here. What kind of an excuse is 'being accused' if you decided to better your life?" That was the most absurd thing he heard in his life! Only taking a step backwards when she shoved him, he was able to take the brunt of it as her onslaught of words continued. He even allowed her to grab his shirt but he barely flinched...because, deep down, he was sad for her. Sad that she chose to be this way. Nothing here in Aralore was forcing her to be alone or miserable, only her own fear. There were people at court (if that was the only life she seemed to understand) that would befriend her in the very least if she climbed out of this mood of hers. But she didn't want to. She rather wallow away in darkness. When she screamed that question in his face, he appeared almost eerily calm before his reply just burst out of him. "Because you are not happy!" It was so damn obvious in the way she hid away here, in the way she spoke of things. "Why would you rather be miserable than happy? Why wouldn't you strive even harder to do something with your life while you have the chance?!" The "I've tried" excuse wasn't enough. Sometimes, you needed to try harder. [d]
[NEMERIS] Truth be told, she was in a better state of mind when Alexandria had asked her to be ambassador. Brennus was alive--it was before she had gotten pregnant, before she had lost the baby. The traumatic events of the war had pushed her back into her reclusive and dark ways, where she just wanted to hide away and stay away from everything. But now Eoin was challenging her, without knowing exactly how badly she had been affected by things. When he shouted back in her face about her not being happy, and he continued to question her about why she was the way she was, Nemeris was silent until he finished, and she blurted out. "Because I don't deserve it!!!" She turned away from him and took a few steps away, keeping her back to him. She was trying not to cry and didn't know if she should bother trying to explain to him why she felt that way, or if he would even understand. "I don't deserve to be happy." She said a little more calmly. Although it still didn't explain why she felt this way, and she couldn't bring herself to look at him again. "I've done a lot of wrong things in my life and have taken many wrong paths... I'm just destined to be unhappy...Because nothing ever works out.... Not for me. So I don't know how to change things... Or what to do differently... Because I continue to follow down the same path no matter what I do.... So how am I supposed to believe that I can be happy, when I do not even know what that word means..." [d]
[EOIN] The words she suddenly screamed in exasperation had him pausing instantly; staring at her a mixture of sadness and confusion. Maybe he broke her. He hadn't come here to do this, he didn't expect to get into some heated argument (yet again), but he certainly didn't expect that response. As she turned away from him, Eoin continued to just stare at her as she seemingly attempted to explain why she meant that...but it only filled him with more questions. "Why do you believe that?" he finally asked after a long moment of nothing but deafening silence and the crackling fire. His tone of voice was quite the opposite of what it had been just minutes before. "We all take wrong paths, Nem. All of us. Sometimes it takes someone a little longer to find the right one." Even he didn't know or feel like he was on the right path himself. "But you have to be willing to find it." [d]
[NEMERIS] She was already broken. Eoin was just prying under the many layers of her and somehow getting under her skin. Nemeris didn't know why she was letting him get to her, but he was. Maybe it was because she, too, felt sorry for him--she could relate and she had felt what he did. She felt vulnerable, and that he, maybe of all people in this damned world, might understand, or at least sympathize with her. After that long moment of silence, his voice broke through and she finally turned to look at him, tears streaming down her face. "Because... Look at me, Eoin... I have nothing..." She held her hands out, palms upward as if indicating her hands were completely empty. "My father was murdered by my husband... My husband murdered by my brother... And my son was turned against me, because my brother managed to make every single person in that kingdom believe that I killed my father and husband... And maybe I should have just let them put me to death...because nothing good has happened to me since I fled from there... Nothing!" She slowly sank into one of the chairs and rested her elbows on her knees before burying her face into her hands. "If every single person in my kingdom believed I was capable of doing such things...if my own son believed it.... Then what kind of fucking person must I be?" [d]
[EOIN] He was completely silent as she cried and continued to express herself. Even though he could have argued after every other word, he didn't. He let her speak, watched as she collapsed into a chair, totally defeated. This was the second time he made her this way, and he couldn't help but take a moment to wonder why she even let him keep coming back.
"You didn't do any of it, did you." It wasn't a question, because he knew. She hadn't murdered her father or husband. She just said her brother blamed it all on her. "People fear what they do not know or understand. Thus, they fear what they are told to fear." Eoin took a few slow steps closer, hesitating as he drew in a deep breath. "I watched my entire clan get slaughtered, Nem. The man I looked up to, from the elders to the young...no one was spared. And when I feared my life would be taken, what did I do? I fled. I've fought with that guilt ever since...but I'm still here trying to make up for it." Finally, he knelt down in front of her but didn't take her hand as he originally thought to. "There's still happiness to be had, even when you think it's impossible. There's always light even when times are bleak...the sun always rises no matter how dark the night." A paused, he sighed lightly as a hand ran down his face. "But it's a choice that only you can make. You claim to have nothing, but you have a roof over your head and food in your belly. You have your life. That is blessed because not everyone is even that fortunate. None of those people are here now, Nem...you could put all of that behind you and make something of yourself. But you have to want to." He wasn't trying to change her, but he didn't want to see her wither away to nothing in this manor, either. But he couldn't change that for her. Only she could make the effort. [d]
[NEMERIS] "No I didn't do any of it! The only thing I did wrong was be next in line for the throne..." Her father had chosen her husband to be his successor after she married him, and her brother had resented and hated them for it. He and her mother had conspired with one another to convince her husband to kill the king, so that he would become king. But once Nemeris' father was out of the way, James had killed Nicholas and blamed all of it on Nemeris, claiming she wanted her son to have the throne and she would act as regent until he was of age. It was a convincing story, unfortunately, and everyone had believed him because of how cold and distant she typically was. It was her downfall and not something she could simply change about herself.
When Eoin knelt in front of her, she finally lifted her blurred eyes to look at him as he spoke. When he finished, she sighed and spoke, her voice cracking slightly. "How can I make that choice....Knowing my son is out there, alone, without his mother...being raised by a tyrant? And I am powerless to stop any of it..." Sure, she could go back and fight for him, but it would get herself, or even worse, her son killed. She didn't have an army, nor would she ever ask one to go fight her battle, when she did not even wish to be queen anymore. [d]
[EOIN] This conversation was going around in circles, making it clear to him that he had to step back and let it go. She was acting as though she was still in her homeland, that she wasn't far away in this cold, dark manor instead. Away from that all. Maybe she simply didn't have the drive or courage to make anything better for herself, so who was he to try to convince her? It wasn't his job, even as a friend. All he could give her was his opinion. "Then I don't know, Nem," he relented with a shrug as he rose up to his full stature. He knew what he would do...but that was him. "You either want to do whatever it takes to make your life better- whether that is to get him back or not..." Eoin paused for just a moment, letting out a heavy sigh. "Or give in to these falsehoods of being 'incapable' and do nothing, I suppose. Were it me, I'd die trying." To get a child back, to pull out of this misery and darkness. Honestly, it's what he was doing. [d]
[NEMERIS] She truly understood what Eoin was trying to get through to her, but she just felt helpless about it all. He did not know her brother, what he was capable of, or of Saryndale and how things ran there. It wasn't just that easy to do. "Of course I would die trying... If I knew I could do it without getting my son killed." Not only that, but her son would be thirteen years old now. He lived more of his life without her than he did with her...and in those years, his hatred for her were probably fueled by her brother. How could she face him knowing that there would be that much hatred behind his eyes? She feared it more than anything else, and perhaps that was what held her back the most. Everything just felt helpless.
She could feel Eoin giving up on her though, and she honestly wasn't sure if that made her feel relieved or bad, but she couldn't keep having this conversation. "Then... I need help." She suddenly blurted out. And if anyone knew Nemeris, knew that this statement was not something she would admit to. Ever. But it was true. She couldn't do this alone anymore. None of it. [d]
[EOIN] Maybe he was beginning to give up. He didn't know how to handle someone like this, who could be hypocritical with telling him to move on and get better while refusing to do the same for herself. The process was slow going for him, but he was doing it. He'd only returned a few days ago, returned from nearly losing his life for this kingdom while she had years. But maybe he was getting too negative about it because he was simply tired. Tired of everything. It was difficult to be positive for someone else when you were only half so, especially with someone who didn't wish to be at all. If she had mentioned more of these thoughts about her son, he would have questioned her on it. Did she truly know how he would feel? If he was smart, perhaps he realized the truth behind the lies or simply missed his mother enough not to care about any of it. Again, she wouldn't know unless she tried. It was the very point he kept trying to make without a great outcome. But what did he know? He was nothing but a damn ranger from an extinct clan. He had absolutely nobody. What she said last gave him pause, though. She was actually asking for help, and he regarded her with a furrowed brow. "Then I will help," Eoin found himself replying. He didn't know how, but he meant it. He was certain Alexandria would if given the chance...after this mess with Saelis was dealt with. If it could be dealt with... [d]
[NEMERIS] Since when had she let herself become so defeated? Brennus had ruined her. Yes, she blamed it on him. She used to be this strong-willed woman who never let anyone get under her skin or make her feel this way. Or maybe she had just gone on so long pretending that she was stronger than she actually was.
After Eoin said he would help, she sighed and hid her face in her hands. Did she really just admit that to him? How humiliating. Honestly, she didn't know what she needed help with more. Figuring out how she should be living her life? Help with pushing herself to get out and involved more? Help with being a better person? Or with figuring out how to move on finally? Or did she really want to go back to Saryndale to get her son back? It was too much to think about and it was overwhelming.
She realized she hadn't said anything in response, and she wasn't sure what to say now. So, she'd change the subject. Somewhat, as she lifted her head. "Tomorrow we go hunting?" [d]
[EOIN] Sometimes it wasn't one's own fault. Sometimes it was others that could bring you down, some more easily than others. But it came back to the fact that it all depended on whether you allowed it to keep you down, and he wanted to believe Nemeris could find her way out of this darkness. And regardless on if she wanted to go back to Saryndale or not, it didn't matter- he agreed to help her, and he would, with whatever it was. As she buried her face within her hands, Eoin hesitated for a moment before he slowly approached her again. She was speaking right before he gently gripped her wrists and drew her up to stand. He embraced her gently in comfort, in apology for, once again, causing her this heartache. Eoin didn't know why he kept doing it, and yet, he'd like to think it was because he believed in her that much. He let out a gentle sigh and nodded although she would not see. "Tomorrow we go hunting." If that's what she wanted to do, then that's what they would do. [d]
[NEMERIS] She allowed herself to take comfort in his embrace, resting her face into his shoulder. Why when he was the one dealing with loss and needing comfort, this somehow all got turned around on her? Maybe she hadn't fully recovered from all of her losses in life, and he was simply reminding her of this.
They'd go hunting tomorrow, which perhaps would take both of their minds off of things, or at least she hoped.
She stood there for a moment, not moving out of his embrace. It had been a long while since she felt the comfort of another, and it made her sigh before she reluctantly pulled away. "I think you owe me dinner now." She had cooked the last few times, and he told her he was better at it than she was. Though anyone who didn't burn things on a regular basis was probably better than her. [d]
[NEMERIS] She had completely humiliated herself with Eoin, and it was quite evident of that, especially since he hadn't returned. Either he was avoiding her or Alexandria had went against her marriage and spent the night with him. Either way, it didn't save her from the embarrassment. Though he had left her a note, she simply took that as him just trying to be respectful and not completely leave without saying anything. So it was back to doing things by herself. What she was used to. Eoin had been right about one thing, though. Why did she need such a manor for just her? It collected dust and only reminded her of the dark loneliness of her life. As Eoin was approaching, Nemeris was outside gathering up some of the wood he had cut for her. Her arms were full with a bundle as she walked back to the front of her house, only stopping when she spotted him. Honestly, what could she even say to him now? She gave him a questioning glance before taking a few steps closer to her door. "I'm assuming you just came back for your things?" She finally questioned him, turning back to look at him as she reached the front of her house. [d]
[EOIN] Perhaps he shouldn't feel strange about going back...but he did. She had been out of line, but it was at least something he could forgive, but there was no saying that she would forgive him for the denial. For getting up and leaving really early in the morning without any word except for a note. At least, she would have known where he was going. The queen had her letter sent straight here. His pace slowed, spotting her as she made her way back to the door, until he stopped a few feet away. Eoin sighed, wanting to help her with that armful of wood, but stayed where he was. And all he could do was shrug. "Not entirely, no," he replied calmly, still unsure of her mood. [d]
[NEMERIS] "Not entirely, no?" She repeated his words but in a question, because what other reason would he have had to come back? She honestly wouldn't have blamed him for not coming back. But before he could answer her, she let out a sigh and spoke quickly. "Can we just forget what happened? I should not have...I wasn't thinking..." She paused and didn't even bother finishing that sentence because she just wanted to forget about it. She wasn't sure if Eoin would be able to forget it though, but she hoped he would. She shifted slightly, trying to get a better grasp around the logs, as they were starting to get heavy as she stood there with them. [d]
[EOIN] He let out a soft sigh of relief when she spoke again. It had made things very awkward and he had assumed they still would...but perhaps not. He had enough going on in his mind to not need to think about what had happened, what didn't happen or what could have. Far more important things to worry about. Stepping forward, he'd take the bundle from her arms with a gentle nod. "Yes," he quickly answered her. "It's fine. Already forgotten." Mostly, but again...least important thing on his mind right now. [d]
[NEMERIS] She hesitated for a moment with letting him take the bundle from her arms, simply because she was accustomed to doing these things on her own, and if he wasn't planning on sticking around, she would still need to get used to doing these things on her own. But Eoin already took them from her before she could say anything, and just in time because a moment longer, and she might have dropped them all. Next time, a smaller load, she thought to herself. She sighed after he spoke and she responded with a silent, "thank you." Whether that was for him taking the logs from her, or that he agreed to forget about what was said the other night, she wouldn't specify, but she was honestly thankful for both. She wouldn't bring it up again. "Are you hungry? I have some brick bread, if you would like." She really didn't, but she thought it might get a laugh out of him, especially since she said it so nonchalantly. With her arms now free, she stepped up to the door and opened it, holding it open for him. [d]
[EOIN] Maybe, if she didn't kick him out before then, he would try to bring him some more logs for the fire, begin a small pile next to the hearth so she wouldn't have to keep going in and out like this. At least not for a short while. "Of course," he replied quietly with a nod. He didn't know what he was answering to, but it really didn't matter either way. Following her back inside, he moved to find a place to put the logs down. "No, I'm alright, thanks," he said with the slightest of grins. The wood was placed next to the main hearth. "I've, uh, started to rebuild my lodge-" A pause. "Well, it's more of a small cabin...away from the damage." He didn't know why he suddenly said that, but he didn't really know what else to talk about. [d]
[NEMERIS] When he declined her brick-bread and only slightly grinned, Nemeris frowned a bit. She hesitated a moment and was about to say something, but he was already talking and telling her what he had been up to for the last day. Her brows furrowed a bit and she looked somewhat surprised. "Oh?" She wasn't really sure how to really respond to that. "Well, that is good." It was a bit reassuring to her, a little. Maybe it was proof that he was planning on staying in Aralore at least. Quietly, she moved over to the hearth and crouched down in front of it to start a fire. She wanted to ask him how things went with Alexandria, because she actually genuinely cared, but she was afraid to pour salt on the open wound, if it had gone bad and he was pained by it. Instead, she looked over at him as she started placing some logs into the hearth. "Are you alright?" Her voice was rather gentle, yet hesitant. He could talk about it if he wanted to. Or he could simply say he was fine and move on from the topic if he wanted to do that instead. Either way, she'd still be a friend to him, willing to listen to whatever he needed or wanted to talk about. [d]
[EOIN] She would certainly understand why he was probably in a strange mood. He was okay, for the most part...but he wasn't absolutely fine. Of course he wasn't, and may not be for quite some time. Only time would tell how things would go. Eoin had basically said he would stay, or try to, but everything else? As the silence lingered, he just stood there, unsure of what to do or say. Fortunately (or unfortunately?), she was asking him that inevitable question, and he could only sigh. "I...guess I will be?" Eoin shrugged, walking to the nearest window to look out and just keep himself occupied. "She gave me the necklace and ring back," he quietly added. "I buried them." Maybe that would fill her in on what exactly went down. [d]
[NEMERIS] She did not look at him as he walked over to the window, as she was busy trying to start a fire. The winter was coming and it was definitely starting to get cold, especially in her manor. She cursed slightly under her breath as it was proving to be difficult and non cooperative with starting the fire. But when Eoin spoke, she turned her gaze over to him and frowned. "I'm sorry..." So then it did not go as Eoin was probably hoping for deep down. Not if she had given the pieces of jewelry back. Although she understood why the queen had given the jewelry back to him, she could feel how Eoin wouldn't really know what else to do with them, aside from bury them. "It will take some time..." She sighed quietly, not knowing what else to say. "Is there anything I can do for you?" Though she knew there most likely wouldn't be anything for her to help him with, other than offer her friendship and understanding.
She glanced back at the hearth and went back to fighting with getting the stupid fire going. [d]
[EOIN] He couldn't help but wonder if, deep down, he really was hoping things would smooth over. As much as he thought about Alexandria, maybe even pined for her during his time in captivity...he wasn't the same person. And maybe, in a way, he knew that she wasn't, either. Eoin couldn't help but feel like it would have been strange, maybe feel a bit foreign if she was not tied to someone else. Was that wrong of him to think about? Shouldn't he be reeling in agony or breaking down completely? There was certainly heartache despite all of these thoughts, and although he had an entire year without her, he still had to learn to be normal again, learn to live without her in his life like that. Just shrugging at her apology, he was at a loss for words again for a few seconds before eventually sighing. "I know," he said. Everything would take time. When he woke up in the middle of the night, he still felt like he was waking up in that cold cell. Which was probably why he preferred sleeping out on the cold ground last night. When he opened his eyes, it took him a shorter time to realize he was safe, noticing those stars above. "No," Eoin answered her quietly with a light shake of his head. "Thanks, though." There was really nothing more he could say about it, so talking would be pointless. [d]
[NEMERIS] She finally got the fire started and threw a log in the hearth before she sat on the floor in front of it. Her knees were drawn up to her chest and she wrapped her arms around them before resting her head down on her knees and turning her gaze over to him. "Why did you come back, then?" He had said it wasn't just to get his things. He seemingly did not want to talk about what had happened--she could get the hint by his one worded responses. And she really did not know what else to say to him--as she was not going to pry or force him to talk about it. [d]
[EOIN] There really was nothing to talk about, that was the thing. Alexandria cried and apologized, they essentially broke up which was something that had already supposedly happened a year ago when he "died". She loved and cared for her new husband and he could only pray that the man was good to her. Alexandria said he was, but Eoin would believe it when he saw it. He was Tresterian after all. Holding back a sigh, he shrugged a single shoulder at her question. He came back to get his things, certainly, but as he said, that wasn't the whole truth. "I guess...to let you know that I'm not mad at you or anything." [d]
[NEMERIS] "Oh." She said simply, her gaze drifting back to the fire, which was crackling and burning nicely now. "Well, thank you for that." She let a small chuckle, nearly inaudible, out of her nose and rested her chin down onto her arms. What else was she supposed to say? She could almost feel the pain and unease coming from him, and it left her feeling at loss for words. "Come sit with me?" Nemeris turned her gaze to look at him again. She was trying to forget what had happened-what was said--but couldn't help but feel awkward about it all. Though she appreciated that he was willing to let go of it, so she was trying. "Tell me about this cabin you are planning on building?" [d]
[EOIN] Honestly, he was acting a little strange and quiet for his own reasons, and not what had transpired the other night. Although she had taken him quite off guard, it was something he could get over and forget. But everything else? Well, that was going to be the challenge. Eoin already thought he was doing fairly well, but some things still kept him uncertain and confused.
Unsure, maybe.
At her request, he finally moved from the window to take a seat beside her in front of the fire. That small grin curled his mouth again. "Not much to tell." Wow, he was just full of conversation tonight, wasn't he? "I'm not building it by the old lodges. The forest is far too damaged there. And this...well, this one is just for me." Even if he took up command of the rangers again, he didn't plan on living near any of them. Maybe he preferred to be alone now. He no longer had a clan anymore. [d]
[NEMERIS] Well, she tried to make conversation, but it wasn't working, and she genuinely understood though. When he sat down next to her, she reached for his hand and held it in her own for a moment, instantly absorbing his emotions and understanding him a bit more. He wouldn't need to talk about it, but she could feel it now. A slight frown as she hesitantly let go of his hand, in case he did not want her touching him. A quiet sigh escaped her and she looked at him as he spoke more about the cabin he was planning on building. She smirked and nudged him lightly. "Why, you don't wish to stay with me?" Her tone sarcastic, maybe to try and lighten his mood a bit. Was he reverting back to his wanting to be alone? Did she need to remind him how miserable she was? [d]
[EOIN] He was trying, but he realized he was still a little...stunned, perhaps? Still a little lost, despite knowing this was what was going to happen. He had known, deep down, that Alexandria moved on. And in ways he also had. The difference was, he didn't have that next step, had nothing to move onto right now. She did. Enveloped in his own thoughts, his slate-colored eyed trained on the flickering flames in front of him, he barely realized she had taken his hand. Now that Eoin had stopped working, it was like he was shutting down. Not necessarily in a negative way, just that his body didn't know what else to do if he wasn't moving around. Blinking, he smirked lightly again at her words. "I don't belong in a place like this. You know that." It wasn't him. It made him feel couped up. And although being out in the forest meant he'd be alone, it was still different for him. He felt like he could breathe out there. [d]
[NEMERIS] She understood how he was feeling, now, and he didn't need to say anything. It was a hard situation that Eoin was in, and she felt near helpless to try to help him out. She smirked faintly at his words and waved her hand dismissively. "I suppose not. But you can stay as long as you need or want to. Until your cabin is built. Plus, you still need to train me on hunting." She laughed quietly, mainly because she just couldn't imagine herself out there hunting--but she would try it regardless. As long as he'd be patient with her, too.
Sighing, she leaned back, her arms holding herself up from behind her now, and she stared into the fire. "I am sorry I am dull and boring." She smirked. "I was once a princess of a land... Not sure if you knew that about me?" Her gaze glanced back at him, then. "So I was bred to be nothing but a face and a body to produce heirs... Neither of which got me very far, it would seem." [d]
[EOIN] There really was nothing anyone could do, honestly. Nothing he could do but find a new routine and work with it, move on and find a new purpose. And that might very well be the upcoming new war coming to Aralore's doorstep... Eoin chuckled softly. "You just let me know when your busy schedule allows you time for hunting." Although he was teasing, since it seemed she never left this manor, he still meant it. He'd be spending his time in the forest regardless, so it didn't matter to him when. If she really wanted to learn. At her next words, his attention was drifting sidelong to her, wondering where that self berating was coming from. But she would continue, and those grey eyes blinked at her in mild surprise. "No, I didn't know..." he said quietly before she continued. Eoin was quiet for a long moment after before his attention drifted back to the fire. "Maybe you were bred for such things...but you've been granted a freedom- whether wanted or not- to do whatever it is you want. So...why don't you?" Staying alone in this manor didn't exactly scream this is the life I want to him. [d]
[NEMERIS] Perhaps Eoin didn't fully understand the life of a woman, especially one of royalty. Though, he might say he did because of Alexandria--but she was different. She hadn't grown up in the atmosphere like Nemeris had. She sat up straighter and shrugged her shoulders. "And what would I do, Eoin?" She laughed, almost a sarcastic and saddened laugh. There was no purpose to her life, really. Not anymore. She didn't know how to do anything, other than what she already did--None of which was really deemed acceptable in this life. "There's no such thing as freedom. Not for me." She shook her head, then and glanced back at the fire. Nemeris would always be trapped, whether it was within herself, or by everyone around her. It was just the way her life was--The way she was. [d]
[EOIN] He didn't need to know the life of a royal woman because she wasn't wearing a crown right now, was she? The ranger actually rolled his eyes, but it wasn't in the usual, humorous way. She always did this. "Really? And what would you call this house? It's only a cell if you want it to be, so don't start that." Maybe his own life's circumstances was making him far more blunt. Maybe because he realized that nothing was ever certain, and if you didn't live your life day to day, there was just no point to living. "I see no damn crown on your head, Nem. That means, you do have the freedom to do what you want. You have the chance to at least try." But instead, she wanted to sit in this dark manor and wallow in self pity. He's been there, done that. [d]
[NEMERIS] "I have tried, Eoin....It's pointless! I'm not cut out for this kind of life. I don't know what to do with myself... I have no purpose. I have a son back home, that I probably will never get to see again... I have fucked up everything in my life. So what's the damn point? What freedom do I have? I can't just start over. It doesn't just work like that..." She sighed and looked away from him. "It doesn't for me." She wasn't sure how to explain it, or what else to say. Her whole life--her purpose, was so far away from her. And when she tried to start over, it had backfired horribly. She took that as a sign, really, as harsh as that sign was. "You're a good person. You have the skill set to literally rebuild your life. It's not like that for me." [d]
[EOIN] Here they went with this conversation again. Only, he knew a little bit more about her...just not enough for him to change his opinion on the matter. He didn't bother to look over at her, because he knew he would just roll his eyes again or look very unsympathetic. "All I'm hearing are poor excuses. You have no purpose because you don't do anything but sit here. Aren't you the ambassador? Why aren't you at the castle trying to help with Saelis while the queen is away? Take some damn initiative." Well, Eoin was certainly not in the mood to try and make anyone feel better, and it could be because the residual hurt he felt was finally leaving him in the only way he knew how to express. Or, he could very well think she's full of shit, believing she was smart enough to figure out how to better her life instead of complain about it. But, maybe that was what made them totally different people. He was climbing up to his feet now, since he expected her to tell him to leave her dungeon of a home- because that was apparently what it was. "It's only pointless because you make it so. You're not a withered old hag, Nemeris. You have plenty of time to better your life...you just choose not to because you tried, what, once? With some-" Eoin stopped his sentence right there. She already knew what he thought about Brennus, and there was no point in bringing that topic back up again. He'd hurt her enough with it. "You're smarter than this...which is why I struggle believing that this helpless, angry act is really you. How long have you been from your home?" There was only a brief pause because he wasn't expecting her to answer. It'd been long enough. "You can start over. You just have to stop being afraid to fuckin' try." [d]
[NEMERIS] Green-blue eyes narrowed at him as he started to berate her for her words and how she felt about her own life. Really, Eoin? He never walked a day in her shoes--he hadn't a clue about her or her life. How dare he. She stared up at him as he stood up and continued to scold her. When he finished, she just sat there quietly, as if letting his words sink in. Nemeris stood up and placed her hands on her hips, and stared at him. "I never said I was a good ambassador...Nor did I really want the position. Alexandria asked me to do it, and how do you say no to a queen? And what do you mean while the queen is away?" She hadn't heard about what had happened. She took a step closer to him. "And there is no helpless, angry act. This is who I have become. And everyone knows me as this cold bitter woman ....and that's what I am. Anything else, and I'll be accused of something-- Of being out of character. Of being not me." She shook her head, "you are standing here as if you're trying to change who I am... Like you know who I am... Or what I am capable of. But you don't know who I am... and you don't know what I am capable of." She stepped closer to him and shoved him back. "And I am not afraid to try! As I said, I have tried... And not just with Brennus, if that is what you were planning on saying. But yes... I tried. And it got me no where but back down... So tell me why I should try anymore?" She had moved closer to him again, grabbing hold of his shirt and pulling him towards her as if threatening him. Though what could she do to him? "Tell me why!" [d]
[EOIN] Yes, really. A life was what you made of it. Were she still confined to a crown, behind castle walls, that was a different story...but she confined herself behind these walls. "You say no." Alexandria herself often said she wasn't an ordinary queen- so why should her subjects accept foolish positions they couldn't even excel in? "You you clearly have no idea as to what's going on around here, do you? That Alexandria left for Tresteria to go bury the king? If you have no idea, it's not only her fault for somehow forcing you into some political position you care nothing for...it's also yours-" he began, his voice beginning to raise as well. "Because you think it's expected of you to hide away here. What kind of an excuse is 'being accused' if you decided to better your life?" That was the most absurd thing he heard in his life! Only taking a step backwards when she shoved him, he was able to take the brunt of it as her onslaught of words continued. He even allowed her to grab his shirt but he barely flinched...because, deep down, he was sad for her. Sad that she chose to be this way. Nothing here in Aralore was forcing her to be alone or miserable, only her own fear. There were people at court (if that was the only life she seemed to understand) that would befriend her in the very least if she climbed out of this mood of hers. But she didn't want to. She rather wallow away in darkness. When she screamed that question in his face, he appeared almost eerily calm before his reply just burst out of him. "Because you are not happy!" It was so damn obvious in the way she hid away here, in the way she spoke of things. "Why would you rather be miserable than happy? Why wouldn't you strive even harder to do something with your life while you have the chance?!" The "I've tried" excuse wasn't enough. Sometimes, you needed to try harder. [d]
[NEMERIS] Truth be told, she was in a better state of mind when Alexandria had asked her to be ambassador. Brennus was alive--it was before she had gotten pregnant, before she had lost the baby. The traumatic events of the war had pushed her back into her reclusive and dark ways, where she just wanted to hide away and stay away from everything. But now Eoin was challenging her, without knowing exactly how badly she had been affected by things. When he shouted back in her face about her not being happy, and he continued to question her about why she was the way she was, Nemeris was silent until he finished, and she blurted out. "Because I don't deserve it!!!" She turned away from him and took a few steps away, keeping her back to him. She was trying not to cry and didn't know if she should bother trying to explain to him why she felt that way, or if he would even understand. "I don't deserve to be happy." She said a little more calmly. Although it still didn't explain why she felt this way, and she couldn't bring herself to look at him again. "I've done a lot of wrong things in my life and have taken many wrong paths... I'm just destined to be unhappy...Because nothing ever works out.... Not for me. So I don't know how to change things... Or what to do differently... Because I continue to follow down the same path no matter what I do.... So how am I supposed to believe that I can be happy, when I do not even know what that word means..." [d]
[EOIN] The words she suddenly screamed in exasperation had him pausing instantly; staring at her a mixture of sadness and confusion. Maybe he broke her. He hadn't come here to do this, he didn't expect to get into some heated argument (yet again), but he certainly didn't expect that response. As she turned away from him, Eoin continued to just stare at her as she seemingly attempted to explain why she meant that...but it only filled him with more questions. "Why do you believe that?" he finally asked after a long moment of nothing but deafening silence and the crackling fire. His tone of voice was quite the opposite of what it had been just minutes before. "We all take wrong paths, Nem. All of us. Sometimes it takes someone a little longer to find the right one." Even he didn't know or feel like he was on the right path himself. "But you have to be willing to find it." [d]
[NEMERIS] She was already broken. Eoin was just prying under the many layers of her and somehow getting under her skin. Nemeris didn't know why she was letting him get to her, but he was. Maybe it was because she, too, felt sorry for him--she could relate and she had felt what he did. She felt vulnerable, and that he, maybe of all people in this damned world, might understand, or at least sympathize with her. After that long moment of silence, his voice broke through and she finally turned to look at him, tears streaming down her face. "Because... Look at me, Eoin... I have nothing..." She held her hands out, palms upward as if indicating her hands were completely empty. "My father was murdered by my husband... My husband murdered by my brother... And my son was turned against me, because my brother managed to make every single person in that kingdom believe that I killed my father and husband... And maybe I should have just let them put me to death...because nothing good has happened to me since I fled from there... Nothing!" She slowly sank into one of the chairs and rested her elbows on her knees before burying her face into her hands. "If every single person in my kingdom believed I was capable of doing such things...if my own son believed it.... Then what kind of fucking person must I be?" [d]
[EOIN] He was completely silent as she cried and continued to express herself. Even though he could have argued after every other word, he didn't. He let her speak, watched as she collapsed into a chair, totally defeated. This was the second time he made her this way, and he couldn't help but take a moment to wonder why she even let him keep coming back.
"You didn't do any of it, did you." It wasn't a question, because he knew. She hadn't murdered her father or husband. She just said her brother blamed it all on her. "People fear what they do not know or understand. Thus, they fear what they are told to fear." Eoin took a few slow steps closer, hesitating as he drew in a deep breath. "I watched my entire clan get slaughtered, Nem. The man I looked up to, from the elders to the young...no one was spared. And when I feared my life would be taken, what did I do? I fled. I've fought with that guilt ever since...but I'm still here trying to make up for it." Finally, he knelt down in front of her but didn't take her hand as he originally thought to. "There's still happiness to be had, even when you think it's impossible. There's always light even when times are bleak...the sun always rises no matter how dark the night." A paused, he sighed lightly as a hand ran down his face. "But it's a choice that only you can make. You claim to have nothing, but you have a roof over your head and food in your belly. You have your life. That is blessed because not everyone is even that fortunate. None of those people are here now, Nem...you could put all of that behind you and make something of yourself. But you have to want to." He wasn't trying to change her, but he didn't want to see her wither away to nothing in this manor, either. But he couldn't change that for her. Only she could make the effort. [d]
[NEMERIS] "No I didn't do any of it! The only thing I did wrong was be next in line for the throne..." Her father had chosen her husband to be his successor after she married him, and her brother had resented and hated them for it. He and her mother had conspired with one another to convince her husband to kill the king, so that he would become king. But once Nemeris' father was out of the way, James had killed Nicholas and blamed all of it on Nemeris, claiming she wanted her son to have the throne and she would act as regent until he was of age. It was a convincing story, unfortunately, and everyone had believed him because of how cold and distant she typically was. It was her downfall and not something she could simply change about herself.
When Eoin knelt in front of her, she finally lifted her blurred eyes to look at him as he spoke. When he finished, she sighed and spoke, her voice cracking slightly. "How can I make that choice....Knowing my son is out there, alone, without his mother...being raised by a tyrant? And I am powerless to stop any of it..." Sure, she could go back and fight for him, but it would get herself, or even worse, her son killed. She didn't have an army, nor would she ever ask one to go fight her battle, when she did not even wish to be queen anymore. [d]
[EOIN] This conversation was going around in circles, making it clear to him that he had to step back and let it go. She was acting as though she was still in her homeland, that she wasn't far away in this cold, dark manor instead. Away from that all. Maybe she simply didn't have the drive or courage to make anything better for herself, so who was he to try to convince her? It wasn't his job, even as a friend. All he could give her was his opinion. "Then I don't know, Nem," he relented with a shrug as he rose up to his full stature. He knew what he would do...but that was him. "You either want to do whatever it takes to make your life better- whether that is to get him back or not..." Eoin paused for just a moment, letting out a heavy sigh. "Or give in to these falsehoods of being 'incapable' and do nothing, I suppose. Were it me, I'd die trying." To get a child back, to pull out of this misery and darkness. Honestly, it's what he was doing. [d]
[NEMERIS] She truly understood what Eoin was trying to get through to her, but she just felt helpless about it all. He did not know her brother, what he was capable of, or of Saryndale and how things ran there. It wasn't just that easy to do. "Of course I would die trying... If I knew I could do it without getting my son killed." Not only that, but her son would be thirteen years old now. He lived more of his life without her than he did with her...and in those years, his hatred for her were probably fueled by her brother. How could she face him knowing that there would be that much hatred behind his eyes? She feared it more than anything else, and perhaps that was what held her back the most. Everything just felt helpless.
She could feel Eoin giving up on her though, and she honestly wasn't sure if that made her feel relieved or bad, but she couldn't keep having this conversation. "Then... I need help." She suddenly blurted out. And if anyone knew Nemeris, knew that this statement was not something she would admit to. Ever. But it was true. She couldn't do this alone anymore. None of it. [d]
[EOIN] Maybe he was beginning to give up. He didn't know how to handle someone like this, who could be hypocritical with telling him to move on and get better while refusing to do the same for herself. The process was slow going for him, but he was doing it. He'd only returned a few days ago, returned from nearly losing his life for this kingdom while she had years. But maybe he was getting too negative about it because he was simply tired. Tired of everything. It was difficult to be positive for someone else when you were only half so, especially with someone who didn't wish to be at all. If she had mentioned more of these thoughts about her son, he would have questioned her on it. Did she truly know how he would feel? If he was smart, perhaps he realized the truth behind the lies or simply missed his mother enough not to care about any of it. Again, she wouldn't know unless she tried. It was the very point he kept trying to make without a great outcome. But what did he know? He was nothing but a damn ranger from an extinct clan. He had absolutely nobody. What she said last gave him pause, though. She was actually asking for help, and he regarded her with a furrowed brow. "Then I will help," Eoin found himself replying. He didn't know how, but he meant it. He was certain Alexandria would if given the chance...after this mess with Saelis was dealt with. If it could be dealt with... [d]
[NEMERIS] Since when had she let herself become so defeated? Brennus had ruined her. Yes, she blamed it on him. She used to be this strong-willed woman who never let anyone get under her skin or make her feel this way. Or maybe she had just gone on so long pretending that she was stronger than she actually was.
After Eoin said he would help, she sighed and hid her face in her hands. Did she really just admit that to him? How humiliating. Honestly, she didn't know what she needed help with more. Figuring out how she should be living her life? Help with pushing herself to get out and involved more? Help with being a better person? Or with figuring out how to move on finally? Or did she really want to go back to Saryndale to get her son back? It was too much to think about and it was overwhelming.
She realized she hadn't said anything in response, and she wasn't sure what to say now. So, she'd change the subject. Somewhat, as she lifted her head. "Tomorrow we go hunting?" [d]
[EOIN] Sometimes it wasn't one's own fault. Sometimes it was others that could bring you down, some more easily than others. But it came back to the fact that it all depended on whether you allowed it to keep you down, and he wanted to believe Nemeris could find her way out of this darkness. And regardless on if she wanted to go back to Saryndale or not, it didn't matter- he agreed to help her, and he would, with whatever it was. As she buried her face within her hands, Eoin hesitated for a moment before he slowly approached her again. She was speaking right before he gently gripped her wrists and drew her up to stand. He embraced her gently in comfort, in apology for, once again, causing her this heartache. Eoin didn't know why he kept doing it, and yet, he'd like to think it was because he believed in her that much. He let out a gentle sigh and nodded although she would not see. "Tomorrow we go hunting." If that's what she wanted to do, then that's what they would do. [d]
[NEMERIS] She allowed herself to take comfort in his embrace, resting her face into his shoulder. Why when he was the one dealing with loss and needing comfort, this somehow all got turned around on her? Maybe she hadn't fully recovered from all of her losses in life, and he was simply reminding her of this.
They'd go hunting tomorrow, which perhaps would take both of their minds off of things, or at least she hoped.
She stood there for a moment, not moving out of his embrace. It had been a long while since she felt the comfort of another, and it made her sigh before she reluctantly pulled away. "I think you owe me dinner now." She had cooked the last few times, and he told her he was better at it than she was. Though anyone who didn't burn things on a regular basis was probably better than her. [d]
