I never meant to start a fire...

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

Ciaran never meant for this to happen. Well, he never meant for any of this to happen, but he did mean what he said to Terra last night. He didn't regret Myra, not for a second, and although he would have preferred better circumstances, no, he didn't regret their child. He never did, not even for a brief moment. And how this secret came out so blunt and cruel was not how he wished for his family to find out. Ciaran hadn't forgotten the look on Catriona's face, the way she fought to keep herself composed. It was all a façade, he knew, and she had to keep up that appearance after the metaphorical knife was jabbed right into her heart.

He'd never forgive himself for it. The least he could do now, however, was explain, allow her to ask whatever she needed, and he would take whatever punishment she deemed fit. Fortunately, he didn't have to make the trek to Lasairdubh alone. After assuring Terra he would not allow anyone to take Myra from her, she and their daughter joined him for the ride back home. The plan was to face his mother before she had to summon him. He was going to own up to this as much as he possibly could, whatever chance he had left to prove he hadn't meant to let this spiral so devastatingly out of control.

Of course, he was nervous. He'd be a liar to claim he wasn't at least a little scared.

When one of the servants opened the door, he quietly ushered Terra and Myra inside when he saw no one else in sight and led them to an empty drawing room. This was the last time they would have to "hide", he reassured. Ciaran just wanted to face his mother alone and without wielding his daughter like a shield to distract the Lee Frye matriarch. As someone sent to inform Catriona of his arrival, he quickly pressed a kiss to both their foreheads, lingering by Terra for a few seconds longer. "I'll be right back. I promise." And damn right he meant it this time.

And with that, he left the room and shut the door, stepping back into the main foyer to await his mother or word of her whereabouts.

[ Catriona Lee Frye ; Terra Sadler ; and any Lee Frye that might still be lingering at Lasairdubh days after the dinner could overhear things if you want ]

[Catriona Lee Frye]

The news had been a shock, and not a small one at that. It took a lot to make a woman such as Catriona Lee Frye crack, enough to break through the walls she had crafted decades ago- at least she thought it had. She had weathered the storm on mystics, watched helpless as her only daughter withdrew from them all, sent most of her children into the army, held her mother’s hand as the life had drained from her, and so much more… all with a gentle smile on her lips as though she hadn’t been bothered in the slightest. Turns out all it had taken was a little lie, a lie by omission, left to fester for two years and then dragged quite spectacularly into the light. No matter how many times she ran through the situation in her mind, Catriona couldn’t understand why Ciaran Lee Frye had thought he couldn’t come to her with this.

This, a child, out of wedlock- it wasn’t uncommon, many lords had their dalliances. The damage to their name, their reputation, could be mitigated. But that would have been easier done two years ago… nothing to be done now. Nothing to be done. It was this matter on which Catriona was reflecting when a servant, knocking gingerly on the door before entering, advised her that the son in question was waiting in the foyer… wished to see her. Why had he not just sought her out? This was still his home, she was still his mother. Or did none of that matter anymore? Had their bonds been forever broken by this? Catriona was hurt, her pride and trust were wounded, but she hadn’t for a moment thought it would come to this: Ciaran Lee Frye acting like a sheepish guest in his own home.

Her nerves were shot, frayed almost to breaking point. But there was little point in delaying the inevitable. She could deal with her own feelings after she had cleared away this little mess. Rising, Catriona stowed away the pipe from which she had been smoking, and made her way to the foyer to meet her son- and she was almost surprised to find him alone. Hadn’t the woman and child been found safe? The search suspended before it had even really begun.

”Ciaran.” She said cooly, descending down the last few steps and stopping a few feet away from the man. Dark eyes drinking in his features, noting any changes in his expression as she continued. ”I wasn’t certain when you would return.” Part of her wished to rush over to him, to take him in her arms, assure him she would fix this- tell him that he was still her son and she loved him. But the bigger part of Catriona was still testing the waters of this new dynamic- the one in which he could lie to her every single day for two years without batting an eyelid.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

Normally he would have searched for his mother, he would have went to her...but he didn't know what to expect. Maybe a part of him feared that he would not be welcomed here, or if she was not ready to speak about any of this. That, and he didn't want to be too far from Terra and Myra. They were just in the other room and would likely be able to hear everything if desired.

No more lies. No more secrets.

For once, he didn't pace the room while he waited. Ciaran had a bad habit of doing that when he was nervous or lost in thought, but this time he stood still, staring down at his boots upon the polished floor beneath him. Had their bond been forever broken by this? He prayed that wasn't the case, because it would just make all of this even worse...and it was already bad. He understood that he hurt his mother, just as he had hurt Terra and their daughter, the rest of his family.

Yesterday, his nerves had been wrecked, but today he was better. Of course, he was nervous, but he had the mindset and the strength to step into Lasairdubh and handle this. He was ready to do whatever it took, was willing to do whatever his mother asked of him. And then she was appearing upon the steps, and Ciaran was afraid all of that would go straight out the window.

Dark eyes rose to find Catriona, his jaw clenching in soft worry while she, just as before, held herself composed. Stopping a distance from him, he took the hurt it caused in silence and bowed his head in gentle greeting. "Mother..." he said quietly. He had walked in here strong, but he felt himself crumbling now. "I came back as soon as I could." That urge to fidget and pace was returning all of a sudden, so he clasped his hands behind his back, curling his fingers into his palms.

He thought he could do this, he thought he would be alright, but he could feel himself beginning to lose this mental battle.

"And I am not alone," he informed her gently, indicating that the girls were, in fact, with him. "But I...thought we should talk first." Ciaran paused before adding, "If you wish." Maybe she wasn't ready to. As much as he wanted to try and explain everything to her, it was possible Catriona didn't want to yet. "But I'm here, and I'm not hiding or running away anymore." The young man tried to stand strong in front of the Lee Frye matriarch, but his throat was beginning to hurt and he could already feel the sting of those damn tears stinging at his eyes. Claiming he wasn't going to lie anymore probably wasn't comfort enough for her.

[Catriona Lee Frye]

”Very well.”

It was all she said. They would talk. Catriona would listen, as best she could. She would remain calm, as best she could. It was all that could be done for the moment. At her son’s mention of not being alone, there was no curious tilt of her head- no quirk of her brown or anything that may indicate she was curious, intrigued, or even surprised. She had regained most, if not all, of her composure by this point- despite how frayed her nerves were, how close she was to finally snapping after the worry. Catriona knew she would struggle to hold it together should Robert finally make it home and offer her the slightest shred of affection. When the doors were locked and bolted and their world was reduced down to that one room.

But that wasn’t now. Now she stood, cold and aloof and some distance from her son. Now she offered monosyllabic responses in the hopes it would keep her emotions in check, keep her voice from breaking as she spoke. The silence stretched between them for a moment, and whether Ciaran chose to speak or not was down to him. ”Not in the foyer Ciaran, we may as well shout in the middle of a field for all the privacy it would allow us.”

Another pause, and this time Catriona was waiting to see where he would suggest they go to talk. All the while, her face remained impassive- her posture stoic- as she allowed the pause to grow between them. If he spoke, the matriarch would nod her consent and follow Ciaran to his chosen room. If not, Catriona would suggest her own study. There was already a fire going, the room was private, and it was far enough from the family rooms that they would only be disturbed should one of the family be actively seeking out Catriona Lee Frye .

Once there, she would seat herself- and gesture with a single motion of her hand for Ciaran to explain.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

'Very well.'

That bothered him. It bothered him in so many ways that he couldn't explain. It made him upset, it angered him, it made him worry and he knew he had no right to feel any of that. He had lied to her, to his entire family for two years about something big, something he couldn't just brush under the rug. He deserved every amount of animosity that was thrown his way, and he feared he would never be able to fix it. He worried that they would continue to look at him in such a way that they expected to hear a lie every time he opened his mouth.

He didn't know how to fix this, but he at least wasn't going to hide from it anymore.

'Not in the foyer, Ciaran.' The young man nodded, accepting this. Truthfully, he didn't care who heard- he wouldn't be surprised if the entire household already knew. He didn't want to hide Terra and his daughter away, and he was afraid that was what he was going to be told. But he made a promise to Terra, and he was going to keep it, no matter what the cost.

"Right, of course," he stammered quietly before following his mother towards her study. Once the door was shut, everything felt deathly quiet. He swore he could hear his heart thundering like mad inside of his chest and he couldn't seem to calm it down. All he wanted to do was get down on his knees and beg her to forgive him, yet that wasn't the Lee Frye way, and he wasn't about to start some horrible tradition. His pride was already broken- there was no need to make it worse.

While Catriona seated herself, Ciaran remained standing; again, he didn't pace like he wanted to and kept his gaze on the floor between them. Lightly chewing the inside of cheek, expecting that she wasn't going to initiate the conversation he came here to have, he had no other choice but to begin. Yet, that was the very issue- where did he start? It had been two years, and he no longer fully understood his own reasons for doing any of this.

"I, uh-" He was already faltering, his voice unusually quiet for him. It sounded broken still, like it had been when he spoke with Terra, and he frantically sought his mind for what to say. The entire way here, he planned out what to say, and all of that suddenly flew right out the window the moment he looked upon his mother. "There is no amount of apology that can make this better, I know...but that doesn't mean I'll stop trying to express just how sorry I am."

Ciaran cleared his throat, taking a moment to compose himself because he knew he was just going to crack and break down again. "I made a huge mistake, Momma...because I was scared. Because I was confused. I didn't-" Slow down, take a breath. He knew if he allowed himself to ramble, he wouldn't make sense and this would all just become a bigger mess. So, he paused once more and ran a hand down his face before those dark eyes finally lifted to look at her. "It wasn't that I hid this from you because I didn't trust you. It was my own shame. I foolishly thought I could fix it somehow, and keep that shame from tainting you and this house. I was so wrapped up in my panic that I didn't stop to think about everything else..."

[Catriona Lee Frye]

He had followed her quickly and with hardly a word. The door to the study clicking closed behind them but left unbolted. For a moment the only sound was the soft crackling of the fire- still burning despite the time that had passed since it was first lit. It would need tending to soon, but for now the older Lee Frye directed her full attention on her son. Daintly, Catriona placed her hands upon her lap as she allowed the silence to stretch between them- giving Ciaran Lee Frye the space to speak.

She had no accusations, no demands, and even no questions for the time being. Catriona wished to hear what Ciaran had to say for himself without prompt or guidance. Though she was hurt, and though part of her wished to allow that hurt to consume her- fill her until it flowed out in a torrent of whys and how could yous and what did I do wrongs, Catriona knew that would help no-one. It was her responsibility to be strong, to guide not only herself, but also Ciaran and the rest of the family through this. Seize control of the situation. Emilia had been right, that was exactly what must be done- and exactly what Catriona Lee Frye was going to do, even if she was fighting to keep control of herself through it all.

As Ciaran stumbled over his words, mixing apologies and reasons. ”Just,” Catriona began, her voice softer than it had been a moment ago. She steeled herself before continuing, speaking in a measured tone to keep her voice from cracking. ”Start from the beginning for now, how did this come to pass?”

There would be time for his reasons, his explanations, in a moment or two. But right now, Cat wanted a clearer view of the events- the timeline. If they could establish the facts, Catriona hoped it would not only help her understand all of this- but it would also help both Ciaran and herself view this objectively- as every second that currently passed seemed to be pushing both Catriona and her son closer and closer to breaking point. As good a grasp as she had on her emotions right now, Cat knew that resolve would falter and fail should Ciaran begin break down further.

He was her boy. Her baby.

But tears would get them nowhere- they simply had to fix this. The situation, if not their relationship.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

Ciaran could talk a lot, that was nothing new. But speaking about his insecurities, fears, and everything in between? No, that was different. He normally kept all of that to himself, so, that he was sharing this vulnerable side should have been clear something was wrong. That he was devastated, that he truly was sorry. Even still, a part of him understood that it may not be enough. He had to prepare himself for that.

Strangely enough, he had hoped she had accusations and demands, even a question or two. It might have made this a little easier and kept him from rambling on like a fool. It didn't matter how much he practiced what to tell her in his head over and over again on the ride here- he forgot it all and felt so lost right now.

'Start from the beginning for now, how did this come to pass?'

He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding in, one of relief as he drew himself to a pause. Right, start from the beginning, he could do that. Mulling everything over in his head, Ciaran wandered his way to a seat across from his mother; leaning forward to rest elbows upon his thighs.

The real question was: where did he even begin?

He was unable to look her in the eye once more, focusing upon the floor again as he tried to recall how it all happened. Truthfully, there were things he didn't exactly wish to share with his mother, but the basics would do. "Well, um...it started a few years ago." Considering Myra was already two, yes, but he figured his family was assuming it had all happened sooner, that there hadn't been a build up. "I don't know if you remember Terra..." Dark gaze hesitantly lifted to look at his mother, wondering if she remembered the young woman who had worked for this very household. "I- well, uh, I noticed her the first day she arrived to work here. It was innocent, I assure you." As innocent as he could be anyway, and he might have cracked a smile were he still not nervous about this entire thing.

"She was fun to talk to, that was all, and sometimes we'd play card games in the kitchen when she was done with her work. She was always respectful, yet had this fire about her that she let loose every now and then..." Although his attention had dropped to his hands, it sounded as though it was becoming easier to talk about. His expression softened, losing some of its worried edge, and his voice didn't seem like it was on the verge of cracking anymore. There was even a small hint of a smile before it was gone.

"It was two years of this...and I actually considered her a good friend." And for Ciaran, that didn't happen very often. "Then it was one night when it all changed, when we made a mistake-" Even as he said it, he didn't seem to believe that it was necessarily a mistake. The mistake, in relation to this, was how he had handled it all. "When she...told me she was pregnant, I panicked. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to burden you or anyone else-" Ciaran paused for a second, running a hand down his face in exhaustion before leaning back in his seat almost lazily. "That was where I first messed up, I know. Because I don't regret anything else. I don't regret Myra for one second." He was an idiot, but he seemed to have grown up a little bit, stupid mistakes or not.

[Catriona Lee Frye]

Catriona Lee Frye had survived bringing eight children into this world, had watched most of them run off to war with hardly a second glance back her way, and watched the kingdom she loved with all her heart slip into chaos- and she had weathered it all without so much as flinching. If she held it all together through that, then Catriona was certain she could maintain the masquerade through this particular trial. That and salvage not only the Lee Frye name, but also whatever trust remained between Ciaran and herself… or at least Catriona hoped so.

Dark eyes remained level on her son as he began to tell her what had happened, how they had come to find themselves in this situation- and whilst Ciaran Lee Frye spoke, Catriona held her peace, instead offering little more than a nod here and there as means of encouraging him to continue. A few years… Had she been a fool? Had anything else transpired in Lasairdubh, right under her nose? Had she really not noticed or merely chosen to remain naive to her son’s dalliance? Despite the questions running through her mind, the Lee Frye matriarch still remained quiet as Ciaran continued. Terra. The name rang a faint bell in Cat’s mind, servants came and went- those who managed to catch her attention either made trouble for themselves, showed some degree of grammyre, or simply stayed long enough for Cat to be able to recognise their face by sheer repetition: the rest were managed by Catriona’s maid and Mairi. It seemed as though Terra had fallen into the latter category.

Not that Ciaran would have known from his mother’s expression, which remained mostly impassive. Whether she recognised Terra’s name, or whether she could put a face to said name would remain a mystery- for Cat managed to maintain the mask, fingers steepled and chin resting atop them.

When Ciaran’s monologue finally shifted to Catriona’s primary point of interest, the child, her granddaughter. ”It is impossible to regret a child, even when they seem to test us.” Speaking at last, Catriona stood in one fluid motion- moving with the grace of one used to commanding rather than merely holding the attention of a room. ”And her mother? Do you regret your actions with her?” At first, the woman had considered the possibility that Terra had pursued Ciaran for the name and wealth he could provide- however the fact that she had remained hidden away for two years rather than approaching with demands and claims of Myra’s true parentage would suggest otherwise. ”You, of course, understand the weight of this situation Ciaran.”

As she spoke, Cat moved towards her son somewhat slowly- giving him ample time and opportunity to step back or move away should he so wish. ”And despite some recent evidence to the contrary, I know you are not simple. You know what must be done should you wish to claim Myra as your own and provide her with the opportunities and security of her birthright?” Ciaran Lee Frye was one of her younger sons, marrying a commoner was less than ideal- especially with the increasing political tensions both within Teronna and across the kingdoms- but it would not be a death blow to the Lee Frye name.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

The very second he stopped talking, Ciaran was holding his breath. Once he had started, he couldn't seem to stop, but he hoped it hadn't been terribly long-winded. He just wanted to get the truth of it out and be done with it. She deserved it. No, his mother deserved better than this, he knew.

What was worse, was that every time he had the strength to look her in the eye, he barely saw anything. She wore that mask so well, and there had a been a brief moment in time that he wondered if he got his innate ability to lie so well from her. Not that he was calling his mother a liar, exactly, but that he had a damn good poker face when he needed it.

Certainly she was upset about all of this, more than her expression and actions let on?

'It is impossible to regret a child, even when they seem to test us.'

Touché, Mother, he thought, but didn't say it out loud. Ciaran watched her rise up from her chair and approach him, and he didn't move. When the questioning fell to Terra, there was a flicker of confusion on his face. Not over the question itself, but the fact that he didn't really know how to answer it. All he could do was continue to be honest, he supposed. "I don't know," he answered quietly. "I regret most of the decisions I made, but...I do not know." Maybe it wasn't what she wanted to hear, but he wasn't going to sugarcoat it, either. Did he care for Terra? Of course, he did, but despite his conversation with her last night, he still couldn't help but feel like he had ruined her life.

Then he appeared to go a bit white. Was she proposing what he thought she was? Why hadn't he thought of it until now? And he was trying not to panic.

"You cannot be serious, Mother..."

Did he actually say that out loud? Maybe he was a lot more simple than Catriona originally thought.

[Catriona Lee Frye]

She had closed the distance between the two of them, and now Ciaran hadn’t stepped away from her: Catriona was close enough to rest her hands upon her son’s shoulders if he permitted it. If he did so, the woman would not apply any real pressure- no reassuring squeeze or firm grip to keep him in place- but merely rested them there as though she needed the physical touch to ground herself. For a moment the mask would soften, though not quite slip, brows furrowing so slightly that most would miss it. Then the moment passed, and Catriona lifted her hands, turning herself and her gaze towards the fire. Fires were always kept burning at Lasairdubh, in every room that was even only occasionally used. It was a considerable cost, but one that the Lee Frye’s were happy to pay. Catriona couldn’t bear the cold, and how so many of her children had opted to spend most of their days in cold and damp tents and barracks for so much of their lives eluded her.

’I don't know,’

Had she been forty years younger, back before a husband, eight children, and decades of court: Catriona Lee Frye would have probably rolled her eyes at that. Regretting his decision would have made what was about to follow much more difficult, not regretting it would have made it far easier, but not knowing- well that muddied the waters even further. However, Cat was much older, much wiser, and much more adept at wearing that passive expression as though it was armour than she once had been- and so she didn’t even so much as blink. Instead, dark eyes watched her middle son patiently, waiting for him to continue- to offer some kind of explanation.

’I do not know.’

And when it didn’t come, Cat moved on as though she hadn’t even expected further clarification. ”I am deathly serious Ciaran Lee Frye, actions have their consequences and you are more than old enough to understand that.” There were several options before them, the most obvious being marriage. The second most obvious being a complete denial. No matter how much the child resembled Ciaran, it would be possible to simply dismiss any link between them- though this would deprive Ciaran of his daughter and Catriona of the granddaughter she had not-so-secretly longed for all these years. Aoife was grown now, and even though she loved her dresses and jewels- had always preferred a sword to the dances at court. Emilia had her daughters- such perfect girls. Catriona wanted that for herself, another girl around the house, one who wouldn’t leave her for the adventure the military promised but so rarely delivered upon. ”Of course we will cover the cost of the wedding, we couldn’t expect Terra’s family to shoulder that burden. The sooner the better, though after the masquerade your aunt and I are planning- unless you would like me to resolve this issue through some other means?”

Something crept into Catriona’s tone then, something her son would not quite be able to decipher. It may have been a challenge, as though she was daring her son to take one of the less honourable routes. It may have been a question, though not the one she spoke but rather one directed inwards: as though she was questioning her own parenting. Or it may have been doubt, as if she was unsure of the whispers a marriage such as this would birth. Whatever the tone, Ciaran would probably know his mother well enough to find it a little unsettling- enough to plant a kernel of doubt within his mind.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

As his mother placed her hands upon his shoulders, he suddenly wanted nothing but to embrace her, to apologize over and over again, and beg for her forgiveness. He wasn't above groveling, not when it came to Catriona. Despite everything he had done, he had always admired and respected her, and yet, what he had done, was possibly disrespectful even if it hadn't been intended that way. He needed to make amends somehow.

Actions have their consequences- boy, did he know it. It was something he always seemed to understand, and yet, he continued to do stupid thing after stupid thing. This was, quite possibly, the dumbest thing he'd ever done. Then again, some might argue it had been the best thing instead.

Catriona continued to speak of a wedding and expenses, and Ciaran was suddenly struggling to remain upright. It was definitely not something he wanted to think about, and he could feel the color draining more and more from his face. "She has no other family..." he murmured, mainly to himself, yet his mother might still hear.

'-unless you would like me to resolve this issue through some other means?'

His eyes lifted to her then, a mixture of pain and confusion. He certainly did feel a bit unsettled and couldn't exactly pinpoint why. Did she want him to deny Myra, or would such a marriage not affect such a big family as the Lee Fryes, considering he was nothing but a middle child? It all fell back to the very reason he had hidden his daughter in the first place.

Ciaran's brow furrowed, silent for a long moment before he shook his head. "Just...give me until after the party?" He needed time to figure things out, because in truth, he really didn't know what to do, despite Cat laying the options right in front of him.

Swallowing a hard lump in his throat, he waited a moment before he dared to ask in a quiet voice, "Would you...like to see her?" By his tone and hesitation, it was clear he meant her granddaughter. He wasn't sure if she rather wait until he came to some sort of decision or not, but Ciaran wasn't going to deny the woman any longer.

[Catriona Lee Frye]

She watched those thoughts tick away behind her son’s eyes- blind to what exactly they may have been. As much as she knew Ciaran Lee Frye , knew her son’s mannerisms and traits, the Lee Frye matriarch could not quite pinpoint the emotions that danced across Ciaran’s features in that moment. So much had transpired, so much distance had been placed between them- Catriona knew her son, at least she thought she did… and yet he seemed so far away from her at that very moment.

In her eyes, Ciaran was a boy again- apologising for getting soot on Teddy or for being pushed into the fireplace again. But now, like then, she could fix this- make it all go away or part of their lives, whichever he preferred. Whatever he wanted. As much as Catriona had a formidable reputation amongst her children… had she ever denied them anything? Anything as little as a story at bedtime to the living breathing ball of fur that seemed to shadow her every moment when Robert Lee Frye was away? No, her children asked (politely at least) her children received. And Ciaran was no exception, even if he didn’t know it.

”No other family…?” The woman echoed, more pensive than anything, her voice soft. That certainly simplified things, no grasping relatives, no discussions over dowry. The girl’s name would be little more than a footnote in the expanse of the Lee Frye tree, Yes, this was workable. ”Until after the party.” Catriona said, once again echoing her son’s words without inflection or emotion- merely a simple statement of accordance- agreeing with her child. There was no rush, no hurry or haste. The child was already born. Already walking and talking. Their task was mitigation and not removal, and therefore time was on their side.

’Would you...like to see her?’

”My granddaughter?” Catriona asked, after a brief pause and with her voice breaking ever so slightly no matter how hard she fought to steady it. ”I would, and-” She continued, voice cracking further. ” And her mother- let us, let us see what we are working with.” By the time she had finished, the Lee Frye matriarch had straightened her spine and wrangled what was left of her composure- to Terra Sadler , she would seem every inch the unwavering matriarch. Though, Ciaran might see through the forced façade.