For all of the things that I've done all these years

[Terra Sadler]

It had taken far longer then Terra had planned to get to Greyshallow. She hadn't planned on Myra being in a mood that had lasted the majority of the day. Requiring them to take frequent stops to try and get Myra to settle. At one point, Terra had just let the toddler scream from the back of the mule, crying her little heart out, because Terra wouldn't let her get down. They had to get home.

The short trip to Ethion had been...interesting. Terra had no plans on running into Ciaran's sister, and it had pained her to lie to the woman's face. Knowing that Myra was her niece, and yet the woman had no clue. But to protect Ciaran's secret, she'd done it. She had no idea who knew about Myra in his family, and if they did, he never told her. Better to play it safe she'd thought.

There was a moment, as she laid in bed the night before, of just staying in Ethion. Of finding a ship to take her and Myra away, so they could just fade away from existence, and so Ciaran wouldn't have so much pressure and stress on him. She'd seen what it had done to him on his second to the last visit. It had to be getting to him. Waring on him like it had been on Terra. She was getting so tired... Her heart was in a constant ache that only intensified when he was around.

The sun had finally gone down, and Terra's nerves were shot. She should have prepped better, but they were nearly home... And so long as the mule stayed on the road, they'd been in Greyshallow soon. The moon lit their path, and Terra glanced down at Myra who was asleep in the crook of her arm. Sucking on her thumb. Terra's arm was asleep, having to deal with the toddler's dead weight for the past hour. She was feeling the strain of the day, and just wanted to get home, put Myra into bed, and then just sleep.

It was days like this where she wished she had an extra set of hands. Another pair to help with Myra's tantrums, and so Terra could breathe She loved her little girl with all her heart, but there were moments when Terra just wanted to sit on the floor and cry with her. Being a single mother was exhausting when you had no help, and Myra had tested her patience.

Her eyes were heavy as they came up the hill. Finally in Greyshallow, it was a relief, and Terra's shoulders visibly relaxed in relief. "Almost there." She whispered encouragingly, reaching forward to pat the Mule's neck. As their little cabin came into view, Terra was too tired to notice the horse, or the fact there was a light on in her window. She had tunnel vision. Her focus on Myra and getting her in too bed.

The Mule came to a stop, and Terra sighed, holding Myra carefully with her one arm, her other grabbed the saddle horn to steady her as she carefully dismounted. She adjusted her hold on Myra then, bringing her up to rest her head on her shoulder while she rubbed her back and then ran her hands gently through her curls. With both arms around the toddler, Terra moved towards the front door, when it was abruptly yanked open, and then light from inside blinded her.

Ciaran Lee Frye

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

How long had he been waiting there? It felt like hours after he had rushed from Lasairdubh to Greyshollow, pacing the floor of that small cottage when it was still void of life. It did little to erase some of the panic, but he somehow began to settle. At some point, he had started a fire in the small hearth until he sat there, staring into the flames as if he had his aunt's power of scrying and could find them himself.

Every waking moment, hearing nothing but the crackling of fire, the embers reflected in those dark eyes that were filled with such dread, and he waited to hear a knock at the door. He waited for Eoghann to be there to inform him of something, anything at this point. He expected to hear someone coming down the dark path even at this late at night when the village was but a hushed whisper.

Ciaran heard nothing but his own pounding heart and his unsteady breathing while he struggled to keep it together.

He had done this. He had been such an idiot and betrayed everyone who would have had his back, who would have embraced him. He had pushed Terra away, thus proving she was better off without him...and maybe the woman finally realized it, packed up their daughter, and left; leaving him having to wonder whether they were alive or dead. Ciaran could feel his hand shaking and he clenched it into a fist.

Zoning out, practically entranced by the flames, of the magic that ran through his veins, he managed to find some sort of calm. It was small, but it was enough to keep him awake...until he heard the gentle sounds of hooves upon the dirt path. Ciaran blinked, sitting up in that chair before he turned a look over his shoulder towards the door.

And when it opened, he was practically jumping up to his feet.

Every emotion inside came pouring out in the very moment his eyes alighted upon Terra. There was fear, confusion, anger, somehow mixed in a sudden overwhelming sense of relief. His heart was louder in his ears then, nearly deafening him as he stood there for a few seconds that dragged on to feel like minutes.

"Where...w-where were you?" he stammered out. His voice wasn't loud, but neither was he whispering. His words sounded pained, straining as he swiftly approached in shocked terror and bewilderment. Despite seeing that Myra was asleep, he didn't care, because he was drawing both of them straight into his arms where he would press a kiss to the top of the child's head. "By the fuckin' gods..." Ciaran tried not to curse when Myra was around, but this moment called for it.

[Terra Sadler]

Terra hadn’t expected the door to be unlocked, nor did she expect there to a fire going on in her home already. For a brief moment, she wondered in panic who was in her home. Had Namid came by? She was the only one that knew of the spare key expect for--

"Where...w-where were you?" Exhausted eyes, flickered over to see Ciaran standing there. He looked like hell. His hair looking like he’d ran his hands through it a million times, he looked both terrified and relieved, and he looked like his nerves had been through the wringer. What was he doing here? Was Terra’s first thought, and why so late? Had something happened? With his family? With the mystics? “Ciaran? What are you-” Before her brain could even find the words, he was approaching quickly, and suddenly she was pulled into his arms along with Myra.

Shock showed on her face as she stood there, not knowing what to do. Why was he acting like this? She tried to remember the last time he’d held her like this, and the fact she couldn’t remember, nearly brought tears to her eyes. The last few days had been an emotional rollercoaster, and today had been a test on her patience. Ciaran seemed...relieved. Terra had subconsciously, relaxed in his arms while she rested her forehead against his shoulder for a moment, and then found herself looking up at him. Confusion clear on her face. “What are you doing here?” She whispered. She hadn’t been expecting him.

Her mind reminded her that he had asked her where they were, and she found herself pursing her lips. She didn’t owe him anything. She didn’t owe him explanations or anything of that sort, but she also had made a silent promise to always be honest. “We were visiting my father in Ethion. We were only gone two days.” She said quietly, glancing at Myra. If Ciaran even remembered, he’d know her father had died years before she came to work for the Lee-Frye’s, but that would have required him listening to what she said at the time.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

He held them for a long moment. Maybe it was fortunate that Myra hadn't woken up, but he selfishly wanted her to, even if just to further silence those worried thoughts. They were alive and they were fine. He could breathe.

So why was he still shaking?

Ciaran knew she was confused, he could feel the tension until she let herself relax. His throat was becoming sore, kissing Myra's hair again, and he realized that he was keeping himself back from crying. There was a sting of tears at his eyes, but they wouldn't fall. He had just been frightened and worried, that was all. They were okay, so he had to bring himself back to calm. He was just struggling to, and it made no sense.

"I came to see you, what do you mean what am I doing here?" The emotion turned to soft anger, he sounded offended by the idea that she would ask such a thing. Deep down, he knew she was valid, he just couldn't get past everything else at the moment.

At the mention of Ethion, he finally (albeit a little reluctantly) drew back, forcing himself a couple of steps away. "Ethion? You didn't think to leave a note?" Ciaran's voice was beginning to rise but it didn't quite get to a yell. And although he sounded harsh, there was no mistaking the fear in his eyes that he couldn't seem to get rid of...because he had never expressed such in front of her before. "Do you have any idea what I just did?! I didn't know where you had gone, if something had happened, if the two of you were lying in a fucking ditch somewhere!" Now he was beginning to yell- in desperation, in sadness, and in fright. Although they stood in front of him now, it was almost as though the Lee Frye struggled to believe it.

The panic was starting to settle in now. He meant to explain to her that his family now knew, but just thinking about it was making him spiral once more. Somehow, in the middle of shaking and breathing heavily, Ciaran wrote a quick note and sent the bird on its way back to Lasairdubh. No need for anyone to continue wasting resources- they were alright. But when he came back inside, he could barely look at her and moved to the fireplace; leaning against it as he felt his chest heave and his body shudder with each drawn-in breath.

His family knew. He had broken this news to his mother in a far more devastating way than he even had needed to because he was worried Terra and Myra were dead. Now, there was no lying his way out of it. What was done was done, and he would have to head home to willingly face the consequences.

[Terra Sadler]

So it was going to be like this? Terra had picked up on Ciaran’s anger, and her already frayed nerves were just about to get worse apparently. Her own temper flared for a moment. “I wasn’t expecting you here so late, and unannounced.” She snipped back at him quietly. He always came during the day, never at night. She hadn’t known he was coming. Was...was that why he looked like hell? Had I been waiting? And for how long?

She was too tired to let her mind go down that thought path. She was tried, and quickly growing cranky. She watched him step back and her eyes flared as he said she didn’t think to leave a note. Why should she? No one but Namid came around and she already knew what she was planning. The only other one was Ciaran and she never knew when he was coming by. Her temper was starting to rise, as he asked her what she’d done. She didn’t know anything, she’d been too busy dealing with his daughter, and trying to visit her dead father to get answers to something she didn’t know.

“if the two of you were lying in a fucking ditch somewhere!" Terra felt her well placed protective walls crack. Deep crevices traveling up the walls, and fracturing the stone. Her hold on Myra tightened, and she turned, walking towards the bedroom with her head held high in an almost defiant manner. She wasn’t going to apologize for going. He didn’t get to just throw her here and expect her to stay put, or take one trip for the first time since before their daughter was born, and then freak out.

She opened the bedroom door, and then quietly went through the motions of putting Myra in bed. She stirred a bit, letting a small whine out. Terra murmured quietly to her as she pulled a blanket up over her and then kissed the top of her head. She stood, and then sighed. Glancing at the door. She was too tired to fight, but at the same time, the day had been a real test on her patience, and she was ready to go let him have it. He didn’t get to come into her home and yell at her for doing one thing for herself for once.

She hung up her cloak and then stepped out of the room. Closing the door firmly behind her, as she glared at Ciaran from where he stood by the fireplace. She was like a boiling pot suddenly as she stared at him. Where was this concern before? The reasonable part of her told herself that he was showing he cared. Something had pushed, no she had unknowingly pushed him to show that he did care.

The tired part of her brain shushed the thought. She let the anger and resentment she felt for him consume her, and because she was so tired and not thinking clearly she let herself unleash onto him in a way she never had before. She felt herself growing defensive, and though he never accused her, she felt like he was verbally attacking her.

“You don’t get to come in here, accusing me of not leaving a note, when I had no idea you were coming.” She whispered hotly at him. The venom began to seep into her tone. “I never know when you’re coming, and I’ll be damned if I have to pause my life and not do something for myself for once because I have to wait for you, Ciaran.” She moved away from the door, so her voice wouldn’t wake Myra, and she instead went to make some tea, as she felt like she was going to need it. She clenched her hands tightly to stop them from shaking as the anger seeped out of her. “And no I don’t know what you did. I don’t know anything about what you do, because I’m here. Always waiting for you.” She spat, clenching her jaw, as she got a teacup.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

Damn right it was going to be like this! Maybe he wasn't thinking clearly anymore, but a trip that was going to take more than a couple of hours, it would have been nice for her to have left notice. Yes, he didn't visit as often as he wished, as often as she wanted him to, but he had been stopping by more frequently as of late. Or did she not bother to notice that? Especially after his run-in with Aoife, he was on the verge of really trying to fix this. Two years later, yes, but Ciaran never claimed to be a good or smart man.

"I was here hours ago!" he belted out in exasperation, still attempting to keep his voice as low as he possibly good. The last thing he wanted was to wake Myra up after the long, supposed trip the two of them just had. If he wasn't so flustered, Ciaran may have noticed how exhausted Terra was, but his heart was still pounding.

With word sent back to Lasairdubh, Terra was putting the girl to bed, completely shutting the bedroom door- that should have been another red flag to him, that she might not hold back this time. It wasn't an uncommon thing for them to get into arguments, mostly mild ones...but this was bound to be different. He could feel it in the air, charged like the electricity his brother possessed. A magic he was surprised Eoghann hadn't used on him early this day upon hearing the secret he'd been keeping from the entire family.

While Terra seemed to be a kettle coming to a slow but sure boil, Ciaran was already far beyond that. He could feel every nerve in his body vibrate, every muscle clenching as he struggled to maintain control on everything. But, as with many things being bent under the weight of pressure, he was bound to snap.

And then it happened.

'I don’t know anything about what you do, because I’m here. Always waiting for you.'

The Lee Frye turned away from the flickering flames within the hearth so that he could look upon her with those frantic dark eyes, glinting with unshed tears. He'd been fighting the emotion ever since arriving at Lasairdubh all those hours ago, and he'd be damned if he let the tears fall now.

"I told them!" he nearly yelled, just letting the words burst out of him because there was no point in keeping any of it a secret. Apparently, he wasn't very good at those anymore, it seemed. "When I...couldn't find you, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. There wasn't a single trace of you and I was afraid that something happened." Ciaran was speaking so quickly now, fighting with himself to keep his voice down but it was proving to be very difficult. "I went to my mother, I told her. I couldn't risk...I couldn't just-" Oh, was this another panic attack? He was struggling to breathe, his hands were shaking again at his sides before he ran one through that mop of hair. He was about to mention that Emilia wasn't able to track her down, either, but that would involve a whole other conversation he didn't want to throw at her just yet.

Swallowing the hard lump in his throat, he partially turned away to look back at the flames; his voice growing a little quieter. "I didn't know if something bad had happened to you, or if you...if you finally just left..."

[Terra Sadler]

She didn’t see the glossy look in his eyes of those unshed tears yet. She gripped the teacup tightly, showing her unhappiness in how she sat it down forcefully, but not too forcefully that it broke. His nearly yelling voice had her head shooting up to look over her shoulder at him, and the words that spilled out of Ciaran’s mouth took a moment to process. He’d done what?

Terra couldn’t understand him almost, he was talking too fast, but it was clear in not only his appearance, but the emotion seeping out of him, he’d done something that he saw he had no choice but to do. He’d been terrified. For them. Because they weren’t there. He’d thought something bad had happened... Careful little lord, I’m going to start to think you care.. There was saying he cared, but actions spoke louder than words. And right now? Ciaran looked like he’d been through hell.

The realization as to what he’d done slowly began to register in her mind, and Terra slowly turned. Her eyes going wide in disbelief before it felt like a hammer dropped. He’d done what?! There was a part of her that always wondered what his family would do once they knew about Myra. Terra had been around long enough to know that Catriona Lee Frye loved her grandchildren just as much, if not more, then her own, and would do anything for them. But would she take a grandchild from her mother once she realized how unfit that mother was in the eyes of Catriona Lee Frye?

Terra’s greatest fear… Was staring her in the face. The fear that Ciaran would take Myra from her. That his family would take Myra from her. She started to panic, her heart beginning to pound loudly in her ears and she felt her breath catch. She found herself shaking her head slowly in disbelief as a look of horror crossed her face. The tea was now forgotten, and this was the sledge hammer into what remained of her already damaged walls.

“What did you do?! She whispered loudly in dismay, her hand went up to cover her mouth and she made for the bedroom door, but only made it a few steps before she turned back around. Starting to pace, her mind rapidly tried to think of a solution to this mess. Of how Myra could stay with her, before she came to a halt at hearing Ciaran’s quiet voice, and the last of what he had to say. "I didn't know if something bad had happened to you, or if you...if you finally just left..." The flood gates opened, and the last of her resolve fell away with the last crumble of those walls.

...if you finally just left..

Her eyes pooled with angry, hot tears until he became nothing but a blur, and when she opened her mouth she found she couldn’t stop. Having reached her breaking point., hearing those five words had pushed her over, and for the moment, worry about his family knowing was put on the back burner. “I should have left, If I did then I wouldn’t have to worry about being in this situation now, I wouldn’t have to worry or be scared about you taking my baby from me.” She the words came out in a panicked sob, as she ran her hands over her face. The Panic turned to anger at herself then, and she gripped her hands as she started to pace again. “I should have left when you dumped me here. Nine months, I was here nine months alone not a word out of you, Ciaran. I didn’t even know if you were coming back, and you weren’t even there for Myra being born. I thought you’d abandoned us, and when you finally showed your face, I thought you were going to take her then too!” She started rambling, letting her resentment out in a tired flurry. “But did I leave?! No. Did I leave all those other times when I had the chance? No. Do I leave when I’m at my wits end, and exhausted, and just want an extra pair of hands to deal with your child? No. Do I leave when I don’t think I can take this anymore? No. Do I leave when you come to visit, is when I have the best and worst feelings at once? Do I leave despite the pain and heartache I always have seeing you? No…” She paused long enough in her pacing to stop and turn to face him as tears rolled down her cheeks. “But I should have.” She spoke quietly. “You put me through so much shit Ciaran, that I hate myself for not leaving.” She admitted to him quietly while her bottom lip trembled. Her face showed her anger, but also of a woman that was finally at the end of her emotional rope. “But I won’t, despite it all.”

Terra felt raw, and like someone had run claws over her exposed nerves. She was exhausted, and not even fully comprehending what she was saying, but the fact that he thought she would ever leave him? It almost made her laugh if it wasn’t so sad. He was either blind to the feelings she had for him or she hid them well. A small huff of laughter escaped her as she spread her hands out in front of her like she was putting everything out on the table. “Because despite everything, I love you.” She said it barely above a whisper, for the first time admitting aloud that she loved the hot mess on the other side of the room. “So don’t you dare think I’d willingly leave you.” She all but growled, showing what was left of whatever fight she had in her as her shoulders sagged. She turned back to the tea then, unable to look at him while he processed the verbal jargon she’d just thrown at him.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

Ciaran expected this huge outburst from her months ago, if not two years ago. She was quickly reminding him of everything he had failed to do, pointing out every mistake, every flaw that he was very aware of yet couldn't seem to fix. He had tried numerous times before, for certain, but this was the point he had been trying to make to his sister- he was a fuck up. Maybe his family didn't completely see it that way, but here was this woman berating his very damn existence and all he could do was slowly turn to face her and take it.

Clenching his jaws until his teeth hurt, he was struggling to keep his composure. Instinct told him to yell back, to scream anything just because she was, and yet he was suddenly feeling so numb. 'What did you do?!' All he could do was blink at that, a tiredly perplexed look washing over his face. Wasn't that always what she wanted? For him to own up to what he had done, to admit it to his family so she wouldn't have to live out here alone? And now, suddenly, it was the wrong thing to do?

But Terra wasn't done. Oh no, she just opened up the emotional door and was barely giving him a second to get anything in edge-wise. The confusion was very evident on his features and he only took one step closer, as if he was afraid she would physically lash out if he got any closer. '-or be scared about you taking my baby from me.' That stunned him because it wasn't ever anything he'd think to do. True, Myra would have a better life at Lasairdubh, but even Ciaran wouldn't be that cruel. Just the fact that it had been a thought that ran through her head had him pausing.

Lips moved, trying to respond to that, but she kept going, and all he could do was allow her to ramble on, getting overworked, making him worse and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. 'Do I leave despite the pain and heartache I always have seeing you? No...' Terra was turning to look at him then, her own dark eyes welling up with tears, some escaping down her cheeks. It was almost enough to make him completely crack and break down, but he couldn't seem to move. He couldn't seem to speak although he was desperately trying to. "You should have..." was all he managed to quietly say, echoing her sentiments. He wasn't arguing with her- no, he was wholeheartedly agreeing with that. She just said everything that proved he was no good and that she didn't deserve this, so why was she being so stupid as to remain?

'Because despite everything, I love you.'

Fuck. She had said it so quietly that Ciaran was trying to make himself believe that he had made it up. Terra was insane. She had to be. No sane person would put up with any of this and stay, let alone claim to love the person who had caused it.

Somehow, it felt like he had been struck, and he took that step backwards, staring at her back when she turned away from him. "No. No you don't," he said desperately. It was a warning; deep down a plea for her to get her head on straight. "I royally fucked up. I abandoned you out here and can barely come to see you. You should have left, Terra. Who the hell wants this? What kind of a man does this? It took complete fear of thinking both of you were dead for me to tell my damn family, and after all of that, you think I would take her from you- the only person she can depend on?" It had been his turn to ramble, his desperation pouring out, but he paused for only a second to shove that point home. She had said it, and she was right. "The fact that you would think I'd be capable of that makes it very clear what you think of me, and just further proves why you can't and shouldn't love me! I don't deserve it, and you deserve far better than this!"

And there it was. The very reason for his distance, emotional and otherwise. He didn't think he was good enough for this, to deserve this, he wasn't a good enough man to have anyone else's love. He even wounded his mother with this lie- he saw it clear as day on her face. "I was okay...with her not knowing I'm her father-" he began, his voice having dropped suddenly because he was afraid it would betray him further. "Only because, I thought...maybe one day soon you'd find someone worth it and worthy of you, and he could fill that void...and she would never...have to know..." Saying it out loud, it was the final straw with his nerves. Ciaran thought he could contain it all in that tiny box he swore wasn't in his heart, but his voice became hoarse from fighting the tears back until a couple ultimately streaked down his face.

He had denied it, acted like it didn't matter, but it slowly killed him knowing that Myra had no idea who he was, and his entire body was shaking now. It killed him to remember the easy friendship he had with Terra, the affection that was there that he didn't bother to pursue more, what could have possibly blossomed were he not such an idiot. Not only because of this whole mess up, but because he knew, deep down, he didn't even deserve her. He had tried to push her away, and yet wasn't quite able to completely let her go.

[Terra Sadler]

Slender fingers gripped the edge of the counter, while she leaned foreword. Bowing her head, her long dark brown hair fell foreword as Ciaran started in on his piece. The words that came out of his mouth where like a dagger to her heart that made her more angry. How dare he tell her she did and didn’t feel. He didn’t know the feelings she felt and that desperation that he would be better. He had no idea that Terra was constantly seeing the worst in people because she was too afraid of possible disappointment, but that didn’t mean she also didn’t see the good in them.

At least he was self aware of his actions...but it was the actions moving forward that mattered most. “We can’t choose who we love, it just happens.” She said quietly in defeat. Did she have plans on falling for the curly haired lord? No. He had never been in her plans and yet it had happened anyway. His continuation to tell her that she shouldn’t love him and that he was no good for her, made her blood boil again as a second wind came into her sails. She pushed off the counter, her jaw clenching as the tears fell from her cheeks. Not bothering to wipe them away.

She held her tongue until he finished, and the tears that fell from his face told her just what Myra calling him Kiki did to him. He was laid out, raw and vulnerable, and though he didn’t say the words, he cared. Keeping them arms length because he didn’t think himself worthy, when all Terra wanted was for him. Him. That mischievous, goofy, little lord that got into trouble. With that charming smile. She wanted him to step up, like he had been in making sure they were cared for, but most importantly, she wanted him to want them.

Her hands clenched at her sides as her teeth grinded together. “I don’t think that of you, but you have to know something. My mother abandoned me at five years old. I only had my dad, who would break promise after promise he made to me despite trying to take care of the both of us. I have had to rely on myself for my whole life, and I have trust issues okay? I know you’re not that cruel Ciaran, but you try telling my anxiety and the evil little voice in my head that you won’t take her and give her a much better life than I can.” She tried to defend herself, and explain where she was coming from. Why she was the way she was.

She took a few steps forward, resting one hand the kitchen table, while the angry fell from her face, to a plea. “I shouldn’t do a lot of things, but when has that ever stopped me, or you?” She asked him. “You’re right, I do deserve better, but that's not going to change the way I feel about you. I love you despite your fuck ups. Maybe that makes me crazy, you also deserve to see your worth.” She whispered vehemently at him. “Yes, those are all the bad things. So what you’re a fuck up. In the mix of things, you could have done way worse. We made another life, and” She pointed to the bedroom door. “She is the best mistake to have graced both of us. I know it, and I know you know it. I see the way you look at her, and the way she looks at you. She loves you too.” Her voice was breaking as she let her hand fall against her side. “So you’ve made some bad decisions, but tonight has shown me you do care. Your a fuck up in 99 things, but when it comes to Myra?,” Terra canted her head to the side as she made sure to look in the eye. “There’s not a fuck up one...And she's the most important thing.” She told him with as much sincerity as she could conjure up to try and make him see.

“I’ve been waiting for you to just wake up and be a better man, and you're taking your sweet ass time about it.” She whispered. “There’s never going to be anyone else Ciaran. They’re not you. We want you.”

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

'We can't choose who we love, it just happens.' Well, that was a load of shit, or at least it's what he was really trying to tell himself in that very moment. He could handle her being mad, he could deal with her screaming at him, but not this. She couldn't do this, he couldn't allow it.

He couldn't allow himself.

Maybe he had been more than afraid of just causing problems with the family over this very big mishap. Perhaps he was afraid of allowing himself to feel anything more than what he did because he wouldn't be able to keep it. He forced himself to think it wouldn't be possible because of who he was and who she was, the both of them on two different rungs of the societal ladder. That, and Myra. Regardless of what his family thought, there might be rumors circulating about them having a child out of wedlock, of this young lord impregnating one of the servants. It was far from uncommon, he knew, but such news could go in a million different ways. For one, he worried Terra would be perceived as a liar, as a woman simply trying to gain the Lee Fryes' money when he knew that wasn't even close to the truth. He hadn't wanted to bring any unnecessary, painful attention to her considering he already ruined her life enough.

The fire was claiming his attention again, but he was listening to her; he just didn't have the guts to look her in the eye anymore right now while she explained her fear. Regardless of the fact that he understood, Ciaran felt himself almost rolling his eyes because, somehow, he was finding her to be acting ridiculous, yet he refrained. "As if a life without you could be any better," he said, trying to hold onto his anger and mostly failing. It was meant to be in reference to Myra's life without her mother, but he was also beginning to realize it was implying to his own life without her. Just because he hadn't been around all that much the last two years, didn't mean neither of them were important to him. And he realized he hadn't said that enough, or at all.

Still, his own evil little voice wouldn't stop screaming at him.

And Terra wouldn't stop. He caught her in his peripheral, moving a few steps closer but he still didn't move. He wanted to interrupt her, to tell her to stop numerous times, but he couldn't seem to find his voice. That "L" word was terrifying; it almost made him flinch every time she threw it at him, trying to verbally beat him down with it and bring him to her level of insane. Because, he still believed she was. He still believed he didn't deserve that affection from her, even vehemently, after what he had done.

'She loves you too.'

Another brick cracked and fell from that emotional wall, and he slumped against the hearth, his head falling heavily. The flames were no longer a comfort to him yet he stared at them mercilessly, begging for a calm and some common sense. The only problem was, he never had common sense. '-but when it comes to Myra? Ciaran's gaze drifted sidelong to find her as she continued to speak, and he was clenching his jaws so tightly.

'There's never going to be anyone else, Ciaran. They're not you. We want you.'

She was bloody insane. She was being ridiculous and ignorant, holding onto some fantasy she probably conjured up to make her feel better and get through this bullshit a little easier. He wasn't good for her, for them. It shouldn't have taken him this long to tell anyone this big secret, and it wasn't fair to them. Why couldn't she see that? Why couldn't she see she would be far better off without him, to find a man who could probably take care of them and their daughter?

It was that idea again, the way it sharply pierced his heart and made him stop breathing. He didn't like it. He didn't like any of it. He never had, although he always told himself it was for the best. He had made himself believe it was the only way.

Ciaran let out a staggered breath as he fully turned to her, his steps slow in his approach. "I'm sorry..." The words were spoken so quietly, his voice cracking under the emotion. Hands gently took hold of her face as he drew close, resting his forehead against hers. Dark eyes closed; his expression as pained as his words sounded. "I'm...sorry for everything, everything I couldn't do, everything I did wrong." He was struggling to speak, his thumb brushing gently across her cheekbone. "But I don't...regret her, or this."

Gently urging her to tilt her face up to him, he kissed her lips softly and deeply, unable to find anymore words to say to explain any of this. Maybe he was a hypocrite, because as much as he had believed he didn't deserve them, he didn't want anyone else to have them.

[Terra Sadler]

Maybe she was insane, and being ridiculous, and ignorant, and maybe it was some fantasy. Or maybe it was Ciaran who was to blind to see what he had standing in front of him. A woman that had no intentions of falling for the little lord, but had anyways. A woman that had only herself to rely on for nearly her entire life, was now dependent on him. Though she maybe not like it, but she saw past his screw ups. There was a good man underneath it all, a better than he was now, he merely had to clean up the debris from the fallen walls and see it. That little fantasy she clung so desperately too was the last bit of hope she had. The part that believed in him, and was the only reason she hadn’t left him yet. Despite how much that little node of hope dimmed, and how tired she was, she still held on.

Because you did that for the person you loved.

She watched Ciaran approach, tilting her head back to look up at him. Seeing how broken he was caused more tears to roll down her cheeks, because she could see how much he cared, and yet he was fighting his feelings. What had happened to him that made his self esteem and value in himself so low? Who hurt you? She wanted to ask, but had a feeling she might be the answer. His voice cracking, broke her heart more, as she could see how sorry he was. His touch was warm against her cheeks and her dark eyes closed as their foreheads touched. It was the most touching they’d done in two years, and Terra didn’t realize how touch starved she was.

She shook her head as he began to apologize, not wanting him to say sorry for it. He’d done what he’d thought was best. He’d done his best. Her tears were wiped away, and she tilted her head into his touch. Taking comfort in the simply gesture. She found her eyes opening to look up at him. So close she could count his freckles if she wanted too. "But I don't...regret her, or this." Her face was tilted up and the next moment the thing she hadn’t been expecting happened.

Her eyes fluttered close, and it took everything in her to not sob. Instead, she merely stepped closer. Placing one hand on the back of Ciaran’s neck and the other on the side of his cheek. She put as much emotion as she could behind the kiss, trying to show him how she felt and that she had meant what she’d said. She did love him, and she returned his kiss with a tender one of her own before she pulled a breaths width away. Wiping away the tear stains on his one face while still holding him. “I’m sorry about today.” She whispered. “I didn’t mean to scare you.” She said softly as she’d stare into his eyes, and rub her thumb against his cheek.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

Were he really the pompous "little lord" that he had often pretended to be, he would be thinking that he was too good for this commoner woman who had once swept the floors of Lasairdubh, who had stayed late some nights to finish drying the dishes from the lavish dinners his family had. Yet, it was the complete opposite. Ciaran, in true dramatic Ciaran Lee Frye fashion, felt like he didn't deserve this woman. She was too good, she was kind and yet fiery when she needed to be, and it was the very thing he went after. She was everything he thought he would ever want if he allowed himself to truly pursue someone.

And she was standing right there, pouring her heart out and he was still disbelieving of it. In truth, he was afraid. He worried he would somehow mess up far more than he already has, and that there was no way he could possibly make everything he'd already done any better.

The real question was: would he be willing to at least try?

He didn't know what he wanted, he wasn't entirely sure how he felt...but he understood the warmth that was growing within his chest, the way his heart pounded differently as his fingers filtered through her silken hair, the touch of her lips against his. It had been two years since he had kissed her or touched her in even the most innocent of ways. The moment he found out that she had been pregnant, it was like a switch shut off and it was when everything immediately changed.

But now? Now he didn't want to stop. He didn't want to leave in a hurry like he always did. He wanted to stay. He wanted to be here. With them.

When Terra broke away, his eyes remained closed as he felt her touch against his cheek, attempting to wipe away the tears he hadn't even realized he had shed. Ciaran never cried. He never shared this vulnerable side of himself to anyone, not even his own family...and there she was, breaking him down brick by brick.

One of his hands dropped so that he could snake an arm around her waist, securing her close against him. Now that he was holding her, he didn't seem so willing to let her go. 'I'm sorry about today. I didn't mean to scare you.' Slowly shaking his head, he wasn't going to let her apologize for something she didn't need to. Yes, he had been upset, he had yelled because he had been terrified of what could have happened, the horrible scenarios that were playing through his head.

"No, don't," he told her quietly, finally opening those dark eyes to look down at her tear streaked face. "You've...done nothing wrong, Terra. Nothing. I'm the one who will forever be sorry, and I...desperately want to make it right." While he was letting his emotions rule him now, unable to stop, he let the words just spill out without a care. "Just don't leave..." His forehead was resting against hers again, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get a handle on his thundering heart. "Please don't leave me." He couldn't lose them.

[Terra Sadler]

Terra felt Ciaran’s arm snake around her waist, holding her closer to him. It made her heart constrict as she continued to wipe those tears from his cheeks. Her fingers gentle as she caressed his cheek with the back of her fingers. She met his gaze as he opened his eyes, and let his words rush out. A small smile appeared on her face as he said he wanted to make it right. She wanted him to be able to see, that he was already making it right. His family knowing was certainly scary, but his actions had shown Terra that he did care about them. He’d been afraid for them, and the way he held her now, just proved to her more.

Her arms snaked up around his neck, having to stand up on her tippy toes, she embraced him tightly. “You’re already making it right.” She whispered reassuringly to him before she leaned back on her heels to look back up at him. She didn’t know how to answer his plea in her not leaving him, but seeing his obvious struggle with his emotions, and how vulnerable he was, stirred something in her. He’d been strong for so long, that he’d finally broke at the thought she’d left him today.

She’d meant what she’d said in that despite everything, she wasn’t going anywhere. He would have to be the one to leave them, despite how much she should be the one leaving him. Maybe she was crazy to cling to that hope he’d be a better man.

“I’m not going anywhere.” She said gently, reaching up to smooth over some of the curls on his forehead. “I won’t leave you.” Her voice was soft, as if she was trying to sooth a startled animal.

[Ciaran Lee Frye]

Feeling her arms wrap around his neck, holding herself even closer to him, Ciaran let out a gentle sigh of relief into the curve of her shoulder. He had been afraid, and it made him feel ashamed for waiting this long, waiting for something so dire to trigger the importance of everything in his mind. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to- it had been denial. It had been his own reservations, feeling that he couldn't be good enough for them. Some of the doubt was still there, lingering at the back of his mind, but it was slowly beginning to drift away.

'I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you.'

The reassurance helped, but there was more he had to tell her...a secret his entire family had become experts at keeping. Could he trust Terra with it? Maybe if Myra wasn't in the picture, if she wouldn't become like all the Lee Fryes, it would be a secret he could keep for a little longer. But he couldn't now. She had to know.

He was just fearful of her reaction.

Taking one of her hands, he held it close to his mouth, hesitating before pressing a kiss to her knuckles. Ciaran was slowly withdrawing from her then, drifting closer to the fireplace. "There's...something else, Terra. And I need you to promise not to freak out." Well, that probably wasn't fair to ask of her, but the worry didn't leave his features. He was dead serious.

[Terra Sadler]

She didn’t know if her heart could take anymore tonight. Terra noticed a slight change in Ciaran as he kissed her hand and then withdrew from her. Her brows furrowed in concern and she wrapped her arms around herself. Emotions were high, and their nerves were already shot. They were both so exhausted, she wondered if the conversation could wait. However, Ciaran seemed to have different plans. “Can it wait until morning?” She found herself asking, a tired smile falling on her face, though she had the feeling it couldn’t wait.

She felt her concern growing as she watched him near the fireplace and her dark eyes watched him carefully. Taken aback by his request to not freak out. Freak out about what? “Telling me not to freak out, is going to make me freak out,” She huffed slightly in laughter, but there was no humor on her face. What had he done now? What did he need to tell her? Was he taking Myra away?

Terra found herself walking up quietly towards him. The seriousness and worry hadn’t left his face and it was starting to make her panic. “What is it Ciaran?” She managed to find the words to ask. Wishing he would just spit it out already, rather then making her wait and think the literal worst had happened or was going to happen.