Letters Between Cian & Aoife

[Cian DeGraff]

The letter was sealed with a simple Teronnian knot design stamped in dark blue wax, and was left outside the house. It was attached to her spear which had been cleaned of mud and well taken care of. A small bundle of the first spring flowers was tied to the shaft.

Aoife,

I should have said all of this instead of letting you walk away. I shouldn't have ignored the voice screaming at me from the back of my mind while my eyes were unable to watch you disappear from view. I was a coward. I was weak and confused, and perhaps sharing this by written word makes it no better.

I never meant to overstep. I hadn’t been thinking, I wasn’t even aware that you were already spoken for. I just hope your betrothed understands just how lucky they are...as they undoubtedly do. If you believe nothing else, please understand that I would never disrespect someone like that. I just didn’t know.

None of that had been my intention. Everything had happened so quickly that I briefly couldn’t decipher which way was up. Yet, that’s what you seem to do to me. It’s this silent moment of confusion, of wonderment, before it eases every tension and worry that I possess. Your presence is a comfort, a calm before the inevitable storm that is my life.

Logic tells me to say nothing more and to leave this as is, but my heart will not rest until I do. I cannot ignore it. Perhaps it’s selfish of me, but I can’t pretend that these feelings do not exist. Feelings that I can’t seem to fully comprehend. All I know is that they are there, tormenting and mocking me, and I simply allow them to. A part of me doesn't want them to go away, although the responsible thing to do would be to move on.

It was there- this unexplainable something. A spark, a moment, even if it was fleeting or wrong. I know something had happened between us that day in the rain because I saw it in your eyes, I felt it in the air, and I’m aware that I need to forget it. I know I must. And I know you probably do not wish to see me ever again.

But now that I am so very aware of you in this world, how am I to pretend that you do not exist?

You make it very easy to forget the burdens I bear. You help ease this hole in my heart that I fear will never be filled. Time with you is easy- it’s as simple and as wonderful as that, and I do not think I could handle not having you in my life at all.

So, I suppose the point is this: our warring families and whatever feelings aside, should you need a friend or if anything changes, well...you know where to find me, right?

- C

P.S. I’m still not being melodramatic.

[Aoife Lee Frye]

It was the better part of a day’s ride to Lasairdubh, but that morning it had felt like a lifetime. Aoife had been one of the first out of the door that morning, she had barely had a moment to stow the spear safely away where it belonged. The blooms, bright and fresh against the morning fog, had stirred something- a fluttering sensation in her chest. The letter was quickly tucked away in her coat before her brothers or cousins could catch a glimpse. There was only one person it could have come from, and Aoife was not ready to have that conversation just yet.

Arriving home, Aoife had greeted her mother (knowing full well that the older Lee Frye woman would notice her only daughter was preoccupied- but hoping Catriona would put it down to the long ride) and dashed upstairs ‘to change for dinner’.

Making sure the bedroom door was locked behind her, Aoife wasted no time in opening the letter. Sinking to the floor, grey eyes scanned over the page once, then twice before she tucked the letter away and began to dress for dinner with her family. As usual, Cian DeGraff had a way of making her feel almost everything at once. Guilt, regret, sadness, stupidity… and yet the letter still managed to bring a small smile to her lips.

---

It was well past midnight when Aoife finally settled down to read the letter properly- the candles in her room burned down to stubs and sleep weighing heavy on her eyelids. Somehow it was easier to talk to him like this, with miles between them. Easier to be honest when she couldn’t see the hurt in those blue eyes. Or perhaps it was the recent climb up Nephim peak and the closure it had brought that made it easier to put her thoughts into words. She wanted Cian to know, she wanted to tell him all the secrets she had been keeping, she wasn’t sure why… but Aoife wanted Cian to know her as much as she wanted to know him. Despite this, the letter she wrote was short- sealed with her personal seal and handed to the one servant Aoife could trust to not tell the Lee Frye matriarch of the letter’s existence and destination.

---

Cian,

I am sorry, I meant it that day and I mean it now. I shouldn’t have walked away, I shouldn’t have left things the way I did- I was the coward. I just… didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t find the words, I’m still not sure I have them. But I will try, you do have a right to know.

You did not overstep Cian, please stop torturing yourself. I never told you, you had no way of knowing… only I’m not betrothed, at least not any more. He was killed, on patrol last year. I should have told you, I shouldn’t have frozen, shouldn’t have run away… I just didn’t know what else to do.

I felt it too, I don’t know what exactly… something. And it scares me Cian. Where do we go from here? With everything that’s happened? With everything that is happening?

It may be some time before our paths cross again, I’ve returned home to Lasairdubh for a little while. Thank you for returning my staff, for taking care of it. I was worried it would be rusted beyond repair… perhaps we could arrange a rematch of sorts when I return?

- Aoife.

P.S. You are being a little melodramatic.

[Cian DeGraff]

He didn't expect it. He didn't expect a response. It had been risky sending the letter in the first place, but he figured it would be a lot safer than attempting to do it face to face. Even still, as agonizing as the next day or two had been, it was difficult to explain the nervousness that struck him when one of the young servants brought him the letter.

Jenna had gone to him in secret, telling him where it had arrived from, and he was grateful that she hadn't allowed someone else in the house to see it. There was this knowing glint in her eyes that he hadn't understood at the time, but it made him wonder if Camille wasn't the only one that was aware...or if he was being more obvious with things than he realized. Dammit.

Cian had immediately gone to his room to read, holding his breath when he broke the seal before blue eyes scanned over the written words, moving faster than he could actually read them. Truthfully, he didn't know what to think or what he expected to read. Perhaps she had just written back to politely tell him to back off. Whatever the case was, it was nerve-wracking. He still didn't know why he got so easily flustered when it came to this woman, but he had just accepted it as normal by this point.

Her words were a further fluctuation of emotion. She was blaming herself, calling herself a coward before informing him of her fiancé's death. That struck him harder than it probably should have, but he understood that loss. He knew what it was like to lose someone that close to your heart. He'd lost his own twin, after all.

'I felt it too,' she wrote. She was just as confused as he was, and he felt that wave of relief just wash right over him. He wasn't a fool (at least not entirely), he wasn't the only one...and yet, there was still this question just lingering above their heads.

It scared him, too.

He penned her back as soon as he was able. Cian gave it to Jenna, requesting that she hand it to the one who had delivered it in the first place, because he could only assume that Aoife had handed hers to someone she trusted. The less eyes that noticed these letters come and go, the better.

Aoife,

I'm still sorry. I already shared my own loss with you, so you know I understand the pain. I understand that emptiness and listless feeling. It comes and goes, and there are days where I feel like it will never go away. Cara wasn't only just my sister...she was my twin, so there is this hole in my heart that I fear will never be filled. At first, for awhile, I didn't even know how to function properly.

So, yes, I am sorry because this is a pain no one deserves. Although, I admit, some of my thoughts are selfish, he should still be in this world with you. Life can sometimes be horribly and cruelly unfair, no matter how careful you are, and he must have been a great man to have earned your love.

What you deserve now is happiness; one that brings that bright smile to your face and squints the corner of your eyes. You deserve carefree moments of skipping stones with no burdens or worries. If there is even a small chance that I can bring you a spark of light in this darkness, I will. I would do it in a heartbeat.

It is what you have done for me, Aoife. You've helped me remember myself, and I don't think you understand just how much that means to me.

I also don't know where we go from here, but it is not something that needs to be answered right now. I'm in no rush to figure it out, yet these feelings- whatever they might be- have not waned, nor do I feel they ever will. I care about you, however deep that goes, however far you wish it to.

And, of course, if you're feeling lucky, Lee Frye, then a rematch it is.

- Cian

P.S. I suppose I will forever remain melodramatic then. I blame you for that.

[Aoife Lee Frye]

The last time she had been home, Aoife had barely left her room. This time however, for the first time in almost a year, she felt a little more like herself each and every single day. Maybe it was having her brothers around again, her cousins too- or maybe it was something else. Either way, the woman had found herself smiling more often and found her laughter coming unbidden rather than in forced bursts. Even the nightmares were beginning to subside somewhat; they still came most nights, wrenching her from sleep in a cold sweat, leaving her shivering and shaking in her bed. But it wasn’t every night, and that was something. Sometimes she would wake to find Teddy at the foot of her bed, big brown eyes looking at her with something akin to concern. It was easier to get back to sleep too, before she would lie motionless and watch the light change in the room. Darkness and shadows slowly giving way to the golden glow of morning.

She had tried to forget about the letter she had sent, it had been more of a note in comparison to Cian’s words. Hurriedly written and sent before any of her family had the opportunity to be suspicious. Aoife had never had a way with words, even if it was easier to write than to say how she felt… it was still hard. Part of her didn’t even expect the soldier to respond. So when Mairi, one of the older servants and the only one Aoife trusted to keep a secret, came to her one morning a few days later- the mystic was surprised to see a letter in her hand, especially one sealed with the same dark blue wax. Despite Mairi’s questioning, more insistent than when Aoife had handed her the first reply, Aoife gave her a small smile and a half shrug along with the promise that she would tell her another time. She didn’t like the secrecy, the cloak and dagger nature of it all, but the fewer people that knew about this- whatever this was- the better.

The door had barely closed before the long fingers were prying open the seal. She crossed the room in long strides, opening the letter as she did so and settling by the window. Bright eyes scanned over the page, Aoife hadn’t realised it was possible to miss someone you hardly knew. It was possible to count the number of times they had spoken on one hand, and yet she knew his voice well enough that Aoife could hear him as she read over the letter.

The mystic didn’t know how to respond, what to write, Cian had once again shared something so personal- trusted her. Yet she couldn’t bring herself to do the same. Writing down how she felt, what she wanted to say… that somehow made it real. And that scared her. So much that several more days had passed before Aoife finally settled down to pen her response. She wanted to tell him how much better she had been doing since their paths had first crossed. Aoife wanted to tell him she knew what he meant about the pain, the way just functioning some days seemed to escape her, explain how she knew just how much that hole in his chest could ache… to show the soldier just how much those moments had meant to her, how much she treasured the memories of that day on the beach: the first time in months she had felt normal let alone carefree… But again, the woman struggled to find the words.

---

Cian,

Thank you, for everything. I didn’t want to start this letter with another apology, too many of those have passed between us lately- and there are only so many times I can tell you that you have nothing to apologise for. The last few weeks and months have seemed brighter despite the winter, and I am sure that is because of you. So please, stop apologising.

We’ll figure it out, somehow. You’re right, nothing needs to be answered right now and rushing into anything won’t do either of us any good… but still, I find myself missing you, missing how easy it is to forget myself when I’m with you. How easily and naturally those carefree moments come. Those moments where there’s no second guessing or family names to consider. I want to keep sharing those moments with you Cian, whatever the cost.

As for our rematch- Luck will have nothing to do with it, this time I know your tricks.

- Aoife

P.S. You do that, if it helps you sleep at night

[Cian DeGraff]

His cousin thought he was horrible when it came to emotions, unable to grasp it, and unsure on how to, well...not act like a complete idiot. Perhaps that was the case still. Maybe he had written too much at once, too much too soon, but he just knew that if he hadn't gotten the words out, he would have lost them. At the same time, he didn't seem bothered by the shortness of her letter, either. In a way, he understood it was who she was- she'd shown such in person. That was precisely why he was trying not to think too much into it, that the extra time that passed wasn't because he overstepped or was too blunt.

Everything was fine. It was still confusing and perhaps a little scary, but it was fine. The time actually allowed him to fall back into his usual routine, to find some semblance of normalcy. Regardless, any time the household received letters, he wondered. Anytime he caught Jenna's eyes in question, she gave this sad shake of her head.

Cian realized, after a few days, he was beginning to miss Aoife more than he originally intended to.

A few more days would pass, and he was returning back from training when Jenna scurried by to thrust a letter into his hand with a small giggle. She didn't exactly know what was going on with him, but he imagined this was still far more interesting to the girl than the usual, quiet happenings around Windhaven.

Rushing up to his room to hide behind a closed door, his sword and belt clattering loudly to the floor without a care as fingers pried open the letter to flicker blue eyes over the written words. It immediately eased those lingering worries he had, and before he could write another novel, the soldier decided to take a day to think on it, but the smile she caused remained.

Aoife,

I'm glad to hear that things have been better for you. To know I might be the cause brightens up my own days, although I still struggle to get through this bleak winter. I fear nothing will fix that until I'm able to see you again.

That was sappy, but I'm keeping it. I've rewritten this letter over numerous times already, and I just don't care to hide it. I'm "melodramatic" and all, as you have so beautifully put it.

I find myself missing you as well. Even if our times together have been brief, they were wonderfully and pleasantly simple. There's no family drama, there's nothing else to worry about except for how to not make a complete fool of myself in front of you. Even these letters have kept me sane and hopeful.

There's just something to this, to us, and I crave it.

So, to be blunt- when do you return?

And what might these tricks be that you speak of? I'm afraid to say that you have seen nothing yet, my lady.

- Cian

P.S. To be honest, thoughts of you help me sleep at night.

[Aoife Lee Frye]

A few days at home had quickly become a week, then two, and Aoife actually found herself missing the capital. Walks along the lake weren’t quite the same as on the coast, the forests she had grown up in seemed so much smaller now she was an adult, and even though it had been good to catch up with her brothers and cousins… they had quickly begun to trickle home or back to court following Catriona Lee Frye ’s dinner.

She told herself she was missing her training sessions with Rosemary, that she missed the distance she had put between herself and her grief. She told herself a certain soldier had little to do with her sudden longing for Ethion. She told herself she wasn’t waiting for a letter, hope behind her grey eyes everytime Mairi came into her room to help her dress or bring her tea. But lying, even to herself, didn’t come naturally to Aoife.

So, when Cian’s next letter arrived a few days later, asking when she would return to the city and to court- his words didn’t just bring colour to her cheeks and a smile to her lips, they made the mystic consider leaving that very day. There was something there. The simplicity of their time together- at least before she had ruined it by running away that day in the rain. Aoife wanted it back. She wanted that carefree afternoon by the sea. She wanted the thrill of the fight in the rain, those blue eyes looking down at her. She needed it.

But, Aoife wasn’t stupid enough to run out on her mother without some warning. She did however, tell Catriona Lee Frye that it was time for her to return to stay with her father in Ethion- citing that she was missing her cousin, that she should be there to look out for Rosemary. Aoife didn’t mention Cian, knowing the DeGraff name alone would be enough to send the Lee Frye matriarch into a long monologue about why that family were trouble, why they couldn’t be trusted, why she should not only be careful: but end whatever was going on entirely. Like most of the younger Lee Fryes, Aoife tuned out around the two minute mark of this long and rambling speech about loyalty, family, and duty. The woman didn’t care about a feud that happened a lifetime ago, Aoife trusted Cian… afterall, he had gotten Rosemary to safety during the Unseelie attack. That alone was reason enough, but he’d also shared so much of himself when Aoife had given next to nothing- whatever the feud was, Aoife wanted no part in it.

Surprisingly, Catriona had been remarkably receptive to Aoife’s suggestion she return to the capital in a week or two- so long as she ‘was careful’ and didn’t ‘run off to rejoin the military’. When the mystic sat down that evening to pen her response, Aoife had an answer to the soldier’s question:

---

Cian,

That truly was sappy, but at least you know it.

Do I dare ask how many times you’ve rewritten this letter? Or the ones before it? It doesn’t matter what you write, or how many times you write or rewrite these letters- just knowing they’ve come from you is enough to brighten my day before I even open them.

I too miss the simplicity, more than I could hope to put into words. The weight of everything- family, responsibility, the past- not only seems less so, but gone completely with you. I don’t even find myself worrying about being a fool, for if being a fool would bring that grin to your lips for even a moment- I would play the fool for a lifetime.

As for my return, I plan to return to Ethion and rejoin my father before the week is out.

I’ve seen nothing yet? In that case, I’ll be counting down the moments to our rematch… though this time I won’t be holding back dear Cian.

- Aoife

[Cian DeGraff]

He'd woken up that morning to find a letter had been slipped underneath his door. Briefly, he had been confused, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes and run fingers through his hair to try, slowing waking up until he recognized the familiar wax seal. Then, he was awake almost immediately.

Moving to the window for better light, he gently tore it open with some urgency in order to read the written words. I plan to return to Ethion and rejoin my father before the week is out. Cian let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding as a smile cracked across his face.

Although he'd barely begun his day, he rushed over to his desk to swiftly pen a response to ensure she would get it in time. He didn't even sit down as he hunched over, scratching the quill across the parchment.

Aoife,

It's probably best that you don't ask. Allow me to hold onto what little pride I have left in this regard. Yet, at the same time, I'm not ashamed to admit that you make me a stumbling mess. A smiling fool, if you will.

You might receive this right before you leave, but let it be the last letter before I am able to see you again. It's sometimes easier to express emotion in writing than to share it in person, so in case I falter...

The world around me becomes dark at times, and I get lost in it. I fear one day that I will not find my way out of it. You, from the moment I met you- more so from the moment you allowed yourself to smile in my presence- have been a light at the end of that tunnel, guiding me back. Giving me a reason to keep going.

And all you have done is exist. It's all you will ever have to do, despite the hope that lingers within my heart.

Oh, that sappiness again.

I shall try to patiently await your return, even if you've plagued my thoughts far more than I ever intended. But I will be here for whenever you wish to see me, for whatever you desire, and for that rematch. I leave that in your hands.

As always, you know where to find me.

- Cian

[Aoife Lee Frye]

So much had happened since that peaceful afternoon, a letter had arrived from Lasairdubh via pigeon- at a first reading, it seemed to be merely short pleasantries written in her brother's hand... But from the way her father's expression had changed, the way he had excused himself from dinner suggested it had not been quite what it seemed. Aoife had wondered what had transpired, what could have possibly made her father leave so quickly and with barely a word? It had only taken a little while longer for the mystic to learn that Myra had gone missing, along with Terra, from Greyshollow: Ciaran had panicked, and in his panic had alerted their mother (and aunt, and brother, and most of the family) in the process.

At least she didn't have to keep the secret anymore...

Still, the weeks that followed had been busy- mostly avoiding her mother and Eoghann still, for fear they would ask her what she had known and when. Aoife made her excuses to stay in Ethion, until a note from her mother once again summoned them all home. No excuses. No exceptions. They were all to attend.

The Lee Frye's were hosting a ball.

Reading the letter over once more, then again to make sure she understood... Aoife still couldn't work out her mother's intentions. This must have been months in planning, and yet neither Catriona or Emilia had let on even a whisper to her. That, and Lasairdubh had always been closed off... Welcoming only the most select of guests from trusted families, and now her mother was throwing open the doors to the world? There would be some motive, more likely several of them, behind this- Aoife just couldn't figure out what exactly.

She had been granted a small increase in her allowance to have a dress made, to source a mask, the jewels would be loaned from Cat- as they usually were. Often at events such as this, the older Lee Frye and her daughter would pick their dresses together- a small, shared moment and a bridge between the two very different women. But, her mother had insisted the dress be kept secret to 'preserve the fun'. Great.

She wouldn't be able to keep it secret from her sisters-in-law, the three often prepared for events such as these together- assisting each other with hair and make up and making sure they each looked their best. Sinead, Irene, and Aoife would know each other's masks and gowns before the first note of music was played that night. And there was someone else the mystic didn't want to hide herself from that night.

She had sent Cian DeGraff a note before the official invitations were sent, like many of her others- scribbled hurridey and sealed before anyone could catch the quickest of glances. As with the other notes: it was brief, consise and to the point:

Cian,

I'm not sure why, all things considered, but your family will be receiving an invitation to Lasairdubh in the coming days- my mother and aunt are hosting a masquerade ball. From the guest list it seems as though half the kingdom is invited, including your family.

Still curious as to what I'd look like in a fancy dress?

Until our paths cross again,

- A.

P.S. I would say I miss you, terribly. But you know that already.

Attached to the note was the tailor's sketch of her dress and mask, so the guardsman would be able to find her amidst the crowd that night. Should he wish to.

[Cian DeGraff]

Cian had been so busy the last couple of weeks, he barely knew how much time had gone by. That is, until he rested his head down at night and everything slowed. Everything was silent and he had the ability to sort through the crazed amount of thoughts screaming in his head. When he could stop to truly think of her.

Not that she didn't invade his mind throughout the day, but it was just as terrible and wonderful a distraction as though she was standing right there beside him, he almost had to force himself not to. It felt like it had been ages since the day at the falls, and he didn't like the mood he'd drift in and out of from lack of seeing her or spending any time with her. It was nothing but work, and then his secret work. He wanted a break. He wanted to just runaway for a few days like they had discussed.

Only, it would seem like something else was about to drag him away instead.

Somehow surprised to receive the letter, eyes scanned over the words with a growing smile. He was happy to hear from her, however, the idea of his family being invited to Lasairdubh made him nervous. Being a prominent family within Teronna, of course the Lee Fryes would invite the DeGraffs, it was just unsettling. Regardless, it was immediately the last thing on his mind.

Because he would be able to see her, even behind a mask. He could stand by her side, maybe even dance with her as they had spoken about. He would see her "all dolled up". And, by the gods, was that a dress. Upon seeing the tailor's sketch, he felt his jaw drop a little.

Was she trying to kill him?

Aoife,

I am unsure of what to say on this matter of my family being invited. I should be nervous, perhaps, but it's the last thing I seem to be worried about. To be bold and to the point- what I worry about is how I'm supposed to keep myself composed and my hands to myself.

You're going to get me into trouble, I just know it.

Until our paths cross again.

- C.

P.S. Considering I do not put much future thought into my attire enough to share ahead of time, rest assured, my lady, that I will find you.