Lunari
29
Uh...
Army Soldier
Tier 1 Character
|
Post by Ciaran Lee Frye on Mar 17, 2021 21:32:49 GMT -5
It would be easier for her to hate him. Maybe he wouldn't be so conflicted if she did, if she just told him to stay away...as much as that would kill him. He didn't want to be parted from his daughter, even if he's never actually said it. It bothered him every time he had to leave, every time he couldn't visit when he missed her. And Terra, at times. He blocked off that part of his mind because he didn't think it was possible for the woman to ever forgive him for any of this. So, he didn't think about those feelings, if they even existed, because he didn't know anymore.
Certainly he had cared about her before. Ciaran was always a flirt, but to actually go that far with a woman, to share a bed? That was a different kind of intimacy that didn't just happen. Not for him. And look what happened. Look what became of them. They weren't even good friends anymore, and that had been something the "lordling" actually cherished.
But, apparently he fucked up good things in his life. Case in point.
'Do you not think I don’t know they could easily wipe me from existence?' That made him pause, sending a slight chill down his spine. Ciaran wasn't sure how to take that, or what she meant by it exactly. One of his original concerns was that his parents would forbid him to ever see his child. The family could easily deny Myra was his when there wasn't any proof but his own word, and he'd be parted from her. Still, he knew better than to think those thoughts. His mother, although strict with certain things, wouldn't deny her granddaughter...right? Did it even matter now?
'I'm the only stable thing she has...' Terra kept digging that knife deeper into his chest and he found himself unable to breathe. 'To find time away and then find not only body but two?' Yes, that was harsh, and perhaps a step over the line. There was a dangerous fire burning inside those dark eyes now, but he couldn't find his voice yet. Instead, he had to listen to her lay on the guilt more and more until he thought he would break beneath the weight.
"Do not!" His tone deepened to a dangerous level, only raising a little in volume as he was still aware of their sleeping daughter in the other room. It was just proving difficult not to scream. All he could see was that vision she planted in his head, and he'd never gotten this angry with her before. They had argued on several occasions, but there was something different about this. It was his pain being masked by anger. "What would you have me do?! Huh? How do you think you're getting that money, Terra? Do you think I leave here, go back to that castle, and do nothing? I can't be here all of the time because I have duties I can't easily leave." Because his family wasn't aware of Myra, there was no allowance of any kind coming through. What she received was what he was able to earn on his own right now.
It was strange- Terra had many reasons to be angry at him, to hate him, to feel this way...but right now, these words? Ciaran didn't know why he couldn't just let it go like he normally would. Every other time, he didn't fight her because she was right. He fucked up her life, and deserved her ire, but to hear that Myra couldn't depend upon him? For some reason, it bothered him more than anything else.
Suddenly, he was understanding why Lee struggled so much. His brother didn't outright say anything, but Ciaran saw the tension between him and his wife, knowing Uailean was always away. It was hard, and maybe both parties were at fault, he didn't really know. Just another reason why marriage was a bad idea.
Clenching his jaw, his posture slackened and he turned away from her. Ciaran thought about just leaving, proving her right, and maybe he wouldn't return. He couldn't help but get the feeling it would make it easier. It meant she could move on, perhaps find something better, someone better who she and his daughter could "depend on".
That just made his anger rise even more, but he tried to calm himself down. "Ethion is swarming with the Kingsguard and Wardens," he began, pausing for just a moment before he realized he had to add more lest it sound like he was blatantly taking sides. "And Mystics. This was the first place I thought would be safe right now." After a few seconds, his voice had started to lower a bit more because he was already running out of steam.
|
|
Aquila
28
Complicated
Washer Woman
Tier 2 Character
|
Post by Terra Sadler on Mar 17, 2021 22:32:24 GMT -5
Terra froze at hearing that dangerous tone of Ciaran’s. Realizing she might have pushed more then she should have, but she still felt her own frustrations with him. Everything had changed after she’d told him she was pregnant. They’d gone from friends, and maybe Terra was foolish to think they were best friend, at least to her, before turning into strangers. She placed her hands on the table and stood up, keeping herself leaned over it as she looked at him with a heated glare.
She’d definitely made him angry, angrier than she’d ever seen him. Good. she thought with sick satisfaction. Get angry, feel what I feel. She thought.
She didn’t know if Ciaran realized it or not, but Terra herself worked as well. As a washerwoman for the village. Her hands were often dry and red from the constant washing, but it was extra money. Something she’d been storing away for emergency’s incase she ever needed it. Maybe she was being unfair to have such high expectations of him, or maybe she was finally getting tired enough that she didn’t care anymore.
A part of her wondered if she wasn’t giving Ciaran enough credit. He was doing his best in a strange way, and she felt guilty suddenly. It was so easy to get angry at Ciaran as he was the only other person besides Myra around to get angry at. Myra was someone Terra couldn’t be angry at, so it fell heavily on Ciaran’s shoulders when it was the situation itself she was upset with. She let her eyes after as she stared down at the table top, letting her eyes bore into the grain of the wood. Before she visibly sighed. Letting her shoulders sag, before she glanced up at what he said about Ethion.
Right now. Hadn’t he told her that when he brought here? “Just for right now.” That was two years ago, and she nearly rolled her eyes and screamed at him in exasperation. When would "right now" change? Being a single mother wasn't easy even if he was providing financial aid. It was so much more than what he realized.
The thought of Wardens running around in Ethion caused a small huff of bitter laughter and small shake of her head. “The wardens are nothing but a myth, Ciaran.” Said softly. Sure, everyone heard the stories, but that's what they were. Stories weren’t they? Tales mothers told their children to get them to go to sleep.
She moved around then table slowly then, the tension slowly starting to dissipate. They could go at this all day if they really wanted too, but it would be no use. Whether she like it or not, she was stuck with Ciaran for however long he wanted to be in Myra’s life. And for Myra’s sake, she didn't need to be around the constant arguing and fighting. She took a deep breath stopping near him. “I’m sorry.” She whispered. “I’m...angry at the situation- The recent mystic attack,” She made sure to clarify. “And I’m scared, I didn’t mean…” She clenched her jaw. “To take it out on you. It wasn’t fair.” She glanced up to try and meet his eye. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think about the sort of stress work must have you under right now.” She admitted.
|
|
Lunari
29
Uh...
Army Soldier
Tier 1 Character
|
Post by Ciaran Lee Frye on Mar 20, 2021 20:44:21 GMT -5
Ciaran kept his back to her; a hand on his hip as his other rose to pinch the bridge of his nose, attempting to quell this sudden anger. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten so bothered by this, but he couldn't help it. He was unable to hide how much that single comment bothered him. 'I'm the only stable thing she has...' It echoed over and over in his head, and he thought he might burst again in rage.
None of this was ideal, he knew this. Maybe he played it off as if he didn't realize it, or came across as he didn't care. That was his immediate defense with anything that involved his emotions. He pushed anyone else aside that wasn't his family...but Myra was his blood. Terra wasn't, but she was the mother of his child- she was a part of this whether she wished it or not. And it was strange, it was frightening, and he's never had to deal with this before. He was doing what he thought was right, and he was doing his best. It just clearly wasn't enough.
'The Wardens are nothing but a myth, Ciaran.' That snapped him out of whatever this seething moment was, even if it would only last a few moments. Sighing, he shut his eyes for a second. "Right...you're right, just a myth," he quickly murmured his lie. Oh, but he knew better, didn't he? He'd never come face to face with one, but they certainly existed. Being a Mystic, he knew things existed that others didn't. The Wardens were real, and he'd kill the first one he saw if given the chance.
As Terra neared, he still didn't lift his face to her as he frustratingly ran a hand through his hair. "No, you did mean it," he said, but his voice was tired and flat. At this point, he wasn't actually arguing with her, just stating a fact. "I fucked up your life, Terra...that's all there is to it. And I can't easily fix it." Maybe he'd never be able to make this easier or better. "But...I'm trying."
|
|
Aquila
28
Complicated
Washer Woman
Tier 2 Character
|
Post by Terra Sadler on Mar 25, 2021 21:35:55 GMT -5
Terra’s jaw clenched as he said she did mean it. They really could go all night back and forth about what she meant or didn’t mean. She was angry at him yes, but she still shouldn’t have taken that anger out on him. Even if she thought he deserved a little bit of it. All apart being a bigger person right?
Ciaran’s next words had her clenching her jaw hard. To the point that her teeth ached. Was he repenting? Was he actually realizing their situation? Was he going to be doing better? It was the first time Terra thought Ciaran actually looked sorry for the situation he put them in. No, the situation they’d put themselves in. Terra was just as much to blame as him.
“It takes two to tango, little lord.” She whispered softly. Her hand came up to lightly rest on his arm, as she leaned forward a bit to try and catch his eye. His little nickname she’d given him rolled off her tongue so easily, despite the fact she hadn’t called him that in nearly two years. He’d gone from Little Lordling to Ciaran as soon she found out she was pregnant. It was her small way of recognizing, as well as telling him that the reason for their situation wasn't just on him. She had failed to be responsible too. “I know…” She took a deep breath. “That you’re trying.” She whispered. His little visit today was enough for her to see that, and his reactions to what she said clearly upset him. If she looked close enough she could even see how stressed he was. Maybe she’d been blind to it from all his other visits, or maybe he was finally nearing a breaking point that it was now harder to hide it.
|
|
Lunari
29
Uh...
Army Soldier
Tier 1 Character
|
Post by Ciaran Lee Frye on Mar 25, 2021 21:57:08 GMT -5
Perhaps it was just everything all at once that was finally causing him to break. It had never been something he took lightly to begin with, but it somehow felt like a fire was suddenly being lit underneath him. That should have been funny, considering fire couldn't easily hurt him, but this was anything but amusing. Ciaran didn't know what to do, only knowing that he had to do something to improve this. All of it.
Of course he felt guilty, but Ciaran being Ciaran, he liked to not show it. It was rare that he accepted any fault because that meant weakness, and then that meant sharing his vulnerability. But when she spoke of Myra, that he wasn't dependable, and something within him just snapped.
Somehow, she was slowly bringing him down from it. 'It takes two to tango, little lord.' Before he could stop or even realize it, Ciaran let out a small huff of a laugh, as if he was struggling not to show any amusement and failed. Well, she was certainly correct in that regard, and oddly enough, he had never meant to pursue her in that way originally. It had just...happened. Truthfully, he had hung around her because she was amusing and pleasant company, and yes, nice to look at. She had been a servant in his family's home, though, and he had known better.
Still, that night during the thunderstorm, the air hadn't been the only thing electrically charged. He hadn't been strong enough to ignore it.
He was finally looking at her with the touch to his arm, his gaze seeming distant as he temporarily lost himself in the memory. 'I know...that you're trying.' But it wasn't enough. Ciaran half expected her to say that, and he wouldn't have been able to argue it. "I know, I've...said it before. I know that you've been waiting...patiently-" He was lying about that last part, evident by the very faint quirk of his mouth into a lopsided grin before it was gone. "But I'm working on it. I can't...expect you two to stay out here alone forever."
|
|
Aquila
28
Complicated
Washer Woman
Tier 2 Character
|
Post by Terra Sadler on Mar 26, 2021 13:34:27 GMT -5
Terra’s heart seized at that lopsided grin and the words that followed. I can't...expect you two to stay out here alone forever. No, no he couldn’t. And if she was being honest, she was nearing the end of her patience. He could say that all he wanted, but when was it really going to happen? Was it just yet another broken promise in the string of broken promises she’d had to endured her whole life? Yet another disappointment? Ciaran was the disappointment that would hurt the most. More than knowing her mother wasn’t coming back, but she had to do what was best for Myra. And if leaving was what was best for her…
Another part of her quietly wanted to tell him he could join them. Out there in the little village. That the three of them could all be alone from the world together. Away from society and responsibility. No worries about anything other than making sure the laundry didn’t blow away in the wind on the windy days…. It was wishful thinking. A thought that occasionally came along in Terra’s mind whenever her and Ciaran were seemingly getting along, but it was also a though that cut her deep. She knew he couldn’t do that. She didn’t even know if he felt that way about her. If he, heaven forbid, he was married and already had another child that was legitimate. A lot could happen in two years. The thought of him with someone else nearly killed her, and it was a testimony to the fact that despite everything, Terra stupidly loved the idiot. Despite all her efforts of trying to hate him, and resent him.
She endured it for love. But how long would that endurance last? A small smile appeared on her face, that was a mix of sad acceptance. As if she was saying “yeah, okay. Whatever you say Ciaran". Her heart wanted to believe him, but her mind had to reasonable.
Look at who you’re talking too Terra-lynn.
“Okay.” She said quietly, not really knowing what else she could say. She’d said it already before and at this point would sound like a broken record. She gave his arm a squeeze and then turned back towards the table. Unable to look at him anymore, as doing so hurt. “When are you heading back?” She decided it was acceptable conversation. Wondering if he’d be staying for dinner, or if he’d be leaving sooner.
|
|
Lunari
29
Uh...
Army Soldier
Tier 1 Character
|
Post by Ciaran Lee Frye on Mar 26, 2021 15:06:16 GMT -5
She didn't want him here. He would just be insufferable. Maybe he wouldn't be able to live out of luxury, having been born into it and grown accustomed to it. Maybe they would simply clash far more than they seemed to these days. He thought about this on occasion, and was it perhaps one of the reasons why he felt he had to keep his distance.
Deep down, he should have known it was stupid, but when one already felt like a failure, it was a little difficult to think otherwise. Somehow, by keeping Terra and their daughter a secret, Ciaran thought that maybe, somehow, he would be able to fix this. The only problem was, he still didn't know how.
If he knew Terra's feelings, if he wasn't so foolishly oblivious, he would have told her not to waste her time. He wasn't worth her love- all he had done was ruin her, despite what she said. He was deemed selfish and unreliable, and he couldn't argue any of these things anymore. Why would she want him around? Sure, he was the father of her child, they had been very close and good friends once until they went and ruined it. Terra deserved so much better.
And why did it hurt him to think that way?
'Okay.' She didn't believe him. Why would he expect her to? So, Ciaran didn't acknowledge that besides watching her for a few moments longer until she was turning away. There was nothing he could say that would make any of this better, and he was probably about to make it worse, explaining he had to leave. Again.
Running a hand through his hair, he sighed heavily. "I should probably go. Everyone is gathering at Lasairdubh tonight at Mother's request...and gods forbid I'm late." He was trying to make it sound like he wasn't trying to just run out of there, even though he had to. Ciaran regarded her, his brow furrowing. "I'm...sorry. I'm staying there for a few days, so I'd like to stop by again...if that's okay." Why was he tiptoeing around everything now?
|
|
Aquila
28
Complicated
Washer Woman
Tier 2 Character
|
Post by Terra Sadler on Apr 3, 2021 19:42:59 GMT -5
Of course he was leaving. A little voice told her. Why else would he want to stay? His only reason for coming around was asleep in the other room. Things had become tense between Terra and Ciaran, and there were times when she wondered if they could ever go back to how they used to be, or if they’d continue to do this tense dance with one another. Keeping each other at an arm's reach and letting anger, guilt, resentment, and bitterness fester between them.
She was getting so very tired of it all… And each time he came to visit, each time she saw him with their daughter, and each time he left it hurt worse than the last time. She was getting tired of silently suffering in that pain. That pain of wanting him there, but fear he didn’t want them and was going to leave them the moment he either snapped, or came to his senses and realized he was a lord and Terra was a commoner. He could leave them whenever he wanted too.
A small smile appeared on her face though it never reached her eyes. She knew all too well how the servants would be scrambling to make sure the family was taken care of. If all the Lee-frye’s were home, it would be all hands on deck.
She forced herself to turn and look at him at his small little request. She might have laughed, but decided against it. When had he ever stopped by requiring permission? His visits were so unpredictable she’d always told him to visit when he could. “Of course it is.” She told him quietly. “She likes seeing you, I’m sure be happy to see you again, real soon.” She told him. She wasn’t going to hold out on him though. She’d believe it when she saw it. “I hope you enjoy your time with your family.” She meant it with sincerity. She’d do anything to spend another moment with her own father.
|
|
Lunari
29
Uh...
Army Soldier
Tier 1 Character
|
Post by Ciaran Lee Frye on Apr 3, 2021 20:13:25 GMT -5
Well, that had certainly been bad timing. Didn't he just specialize in that? No wonder she probably hated his guts, and it wasn't only for the fact that he had gotten her pregnant, not only because he kept them hidden away out here.
Let's face it, Terra probably hated him for absolutely everything, and he wished he could actually argue it, but Ciaran wasn't that stupid.
The sad reality of it was, he was never able to stay very long, and he didn't get to visit as frequently as he would were he able to. He felt like she still didn't understand that, but there were no words he could say that would help her to realize it. Perhaps there was simply no point. However, since he was physically staying in Lasairdubh for a few days, there was a very good chance he honestly could visit again. He wanted to. He said he did and he meant it.
'She likes seeing you...' There was a gentle curl of his lips as his attention drifted to the bedroom door. It actually pained him to leave every single time, even if he didn't share it. Emotions were a vulnerability. Biting the inside of his lower lip, he finally turned back to look at her and offered a nod. "Sure," he answered, realizing just how awkward it suddenly felt. His family. A family Myra should know, that she should be a part of.
Swallowing the lump in his throat, he forced himself to head for the door. "I'll see you soon," he reiterated, before he was leaving and closing the door behind him.
[ end scene ]
|
|