The Answers We Seek

[Nathaniel Starke]

Nathaniel liked the way her laugh sounded, especially when it seemed genuine. He liked her smile. And although she was attractive as she was, her smile only intensified her beauty. His brows furrowed slightly at her dry statement, but he nodded and smiled at her, "Maybe a couple of ways to find out, actually." He smirked, trying to shake himself out of the seriousness that had taken over him, and return to their previous light banter.

But their conversation continued on the serious side as she dismissed his apology. Whether they got what they deserved or not, he didn't like the idea that Alice had her own bad experiences. He suddenly felt protective of her- even if she could hold her own, he didn't want her to have to. It was a strange feeling to him, one that he knew he couldn't admit to. Brown eyes studied her for a long moment, that concern and curiosity never fading from his glance. He wanted to know, yet he didn't.
Nathaniel didn't say anything, however, and just offered her an uneasy smile along with a nod. He hoped with hearing her say they had gotten what they deserved, that it meant they were no longer part of her life.

He allowed that cocky smirk to form on his lips when she said he was right. Perhaps. "Of course I am," he said simply. There had been a lot of times in his life where he had gut feelings he didn't want to trust- even now he didn't... But in the end, it had been his gut instincts that had always been right. He let out a small laugh. "You don't seem so convinced, though..." He looked at her curiously before he spoke again. "Have you ever gotten such a strong feeling before and your mind got in the way, convincing you that feeling was wrong, that you were just overreacting or worrying over nothing... That you shouldn't listen to it..." His lips twitched in the slightest of a smirk as he looked her over. It was funny he spoke this now because it was exactly how he was feeling in this very moment about her, and that sudden realization came crashing down on him now. "...That you shouldn't feel something..." He looked down for a split second, not wanting her to see that realization in his face. He took a deep breath before looking back at her. "And so, you listen to those thoughts...Because you feel that you should listen to those doubts and that they are probably right... Those thoughts are protecting you from something, right?" He shook his head and looked into her eyes, pausing in hesitation for a moment. Did he want to finish where he was going with this? To make his point, when he was scared to admit and listen to his own advice. When he spoke again, his tone was serious and low, "how many times have you realized that all those thoughts had been wrong and that you should have listened to yourself before all those things convincing you otherwise took over?"
He wasn't sure if she had similar experiences, but it had been something he struggled with many times before. He forced a smile and laughed, "or maybe that's just me?"

Nathaniel was grateful that Alice hadn't said anything to Audra in their short interaction. Not because he didn’t feel like she should speak, but more so because Audra wasn’t worth the confrontation. He had spent maybe six months with her and it hadn’t been pleasant. Then again, he blamed himself for a lot of went wrong in that relationship. Could he truly blame Audra for being so heartless when he had been so distant and so hot and cold with her?

Audra had always made him feel like a horrible man, and he had always allowed her to for some reason. Maybe because deep down, he wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe that there was nothing good about him and that he deserved to be treated in such a way. Maybe it was part of the self-hatred and harm he inflicted upon himself. Still, he never understood why Audra had stayed with him for as long as she had. The only compliments she ever seemed to give him revolved around his looks, so maybe that had been why.

Nathaniel was grateful Alice had taken his arm and went with him to escape whatever situation had just unfolded in front of them and that she hadn’t been scared off by Audra. Then again, maybe it only sparked curiosity and she’d want to know about the hot mess that Nathaniel and Audra were and why she would say such things.

He watched Alice as she moved beside him and placed his jacket back over his shoulders before she walked away and over to the fireplace. She seemed uneasy and he couldn’t say he blamed her. His gaze fell to the floor until he heard her voice, excusing his statement of not being a good man. His brown eyes were filled with an uneasy disappointment, not with her, but at himself. He balled his hands into fists and dug his nails into the palms of his hands as he got the sudden urge to wanting to hurt himself. He was such a failure. Nathaniel forced a smile and huffed a laugh out his nose. “Or something like that...” Audra was indeed a crazy ex, but he felt it was him that was the crazy one.

He turned his gaze towards her as she found her way to the couch and patted the spot next to her. He smiled slightly and removed his jacket from his shoulders as he made his way to the couch. Was it really a good idea to sit next to her on the couch? Probably not. But he also couldn’t say no.
He sat down on the couch, keeping some distance between them. He draped his jacket over the back of the couch and then leaned against the armrest, turning his body somewhat at an angle to face her.

“So is that the type of woman you’re usually into or..?” Nathaniel let out a nervous laugh and for a moment, looked somewhat embarrassed. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together, resting his chin on his knuckles. “Because I definitely would have never guessed that your type.” He tilted his head a bit, keeping his chin on his hands and he smirked at her, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. He didn’t say anything right away, because he honestly didn’t know what to say. After a moment, he picked his head up and let his arms drop, though kept his elbows resting on his thighs and letting his clasped hands rest on his knees. “I...uh…” He let out another nervous laugh and shook his head, finally glancing back at her. “No… It’s not.” Nathaniel frowned and then shrugged one of his shoulders. “I don’t think I have a type.” His words almost held a solemnness to them. In all honesty, Nathaniel would give anyone a chance if they would give him one, regardless of what type of person they were. Maybe it was desperation? Or maybe he just didn’t like to judge other people.

Nathaniel looked away from her again and down at the floor. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, not knowing what else to say. He knew that he didn’t need to tell her anything, but after that display, he felt he owed her some kind of explanation. “We were set up, actually. Her father and mine were in the army together and they made the arrangement. I… Didn’t want to disappoint my father…Or maybe even her… Yet, that’s all I seemed to do...So...” He forced a small smile and looked back at her. “That was actually her being nice?” As much as his words were a statement, they were also a question, because he honestly wasn’t sure. As much as Thom looked like he was controlled by Audra, Nate had once been in that position, always trying to please a woman that never seemed pleased with anything. The only difference was that Nathaniel would have commented on her rudeness and told her to be nice, which of course would have sparked some sort of pointless argument later on.

Nathaniel looked away from her and at the fireplace for a moment as thoughts ran through his mind. He couldn’t help but feel disappointed in himself and this whole situation- despite his past being in the past… It sure liked to creep its way into the present to ruin his future any way it possibly could.

“What about you…?” He said before he finally turned his gaze back to her. “Do you have a crazy ex?” He smirked, letting out a small laugh as he shook his head. He liked their conversation better before they had gone outside.

[Alice Calder]

She couldn’t help but return his smirk, giving a curious look as she laughed lightly at him. “Is that so?” She asked him, tilting her head. She felt herself relax as he tried to slip back into their banter again as well. Every moment seemed fleeting, however, as he was soon regarding her with curiosity and.. Was that a hint of concern? She ignored it. She really didn’t want him to press the matter. It was still hard to speak on the events that had unfolded only a year and a half ago and she still wasn’t sure she could recollect the events properly. Grief had a funny way of making you forget the fine details of things you didn’t want to remember, and as smart as she may be, Alice was no exception to the rule.

“Of course I am.” She tried to look at him with a serious expression as he spoke those words, but the cocky expression he wore broke her resolve and she chuckled lightly instead. However, her smile began to fade as he spoke up again, though she forced the expression to remain as best she could. “A time or two more than I’d like to admit.” She sighed. His gaze had fallen away from her just as hers had fixated on him, but he was soon looking back up at her and her eyes studied him carefully. She could only watch as he continued to speak and she couldn’t help but feel like he was speaking just as much to himself as he was to her, though she couldn’t be sure. Maybe this was just what he sounded like when he was being philosophical.

He continued and Alice listened, her gaze falling away every now and again. He forced a smile and laugh as the final words passed his lips and Alice rolled her neck to either side of her body, pulling her shoulders back as she stretched muscles that had gone stiff. She was silent for a moment, but she finally spoke up again, deciding to let go of her fear, if only for a moment. He’d shown her some sort of vulnerability in the words he spoke. She wasn't keen on returning the favor, but he'd made some good points. “It's not just you.” She said to him. “There have been.. some times,” She paused briefly, not sure how to really finish her statement. “And looking back, my gut was right all along.” She breathed an uneasy laugh through her nose as her eyes looked towards the fire then back to him, her lips pursed in a tight-lipped smile. “But..” She intertwined her fingers, forcing herself to keep her eyes on his face. Her head was tilted slightly, a look of curiosity pooling on her facial features. “What do I listen to if my heart is hopeful, my mind is doubtful and my gut is twisting into knots?” She asked him, her words becoming a whisper as the question was muttered between them. Another huff of a laugh escaped her.

Alice sat straight on the sofa, feet crossed at her ankles, hands in her lap as her thumb traced over the fabric of her dress in a slow motion. She looked distant as she sat, misty-eyed from the visions that played in her mind. This time, she almost hadn’t heard him speaking to her. It was the nervous laugh that drew her attention. He said he didn’t have a type and Alice forced a soft chuckle. She believed everyone had a type, even if that ‘type’ changed depending on general interest for that particular moment. Still, she did not dive deeper into it.

When he apologized, again, Alice looked at him, a firmness in her gaze. “Stop apologizing to me.” She looked away as she spoke, her words coming out harsher than she’d intended. She hated hearing him apologize. She hated hearing that word; sorry. Darion had said it far too often. When he’d yell at her, belittle her.. When he’d gaslight her, hit her.. Thinking of how she’d allowed herself to be treated, how much she allowed him to get away with, it made her feel ashamed. What felt more shameful, was she was ready with open arms each time he apologized. The apologies became more and more frequent and she always held out so much hope that this would be it, the last time he said awful things to her, the last time he spit in her face as he yelled, the last time he touched her violently… The difference between Darion and Nathaniel, in the sense of apologies, what that Nate was apologizing for things that weren’t his fault. She’d used to do that too - take on the blame, apologize, make it out like it was all her fault. It kept the peace. But she remembered all too well what that had done to her in the long run. She sighed, giving him a remorseful smile. “Forgive me.” She said softly.

He began to explain his relationship with Audra and Alice listened intently. Her expression softened as he spoke and she fought back the urge to reach across the sofa and place a comforting hand over his. She couldn’t imagine him being a disappointment to her. She couldn’t imagine him being a disappointment to anyone. Was this Nathaniel the same one Audra had known? Then she wondered, should she have taken him more seriously when he told her that she might be wrong about a lot of things pertaining to him? They’d only just met after all..

Her anxiety seemed to hit the ceiling all over again. ‘Shit.’ Had she really allowed herself to become hopeful? To lose sight of how she ended up in her past situation? It had begun quite like this.. Only, this was better, wasn’t it?

This time, it was the sound of silence that pulled her out of her head. She didn’t realize she’d been staring at him, only that he was looking at her like he’d asked her something. Wait, had he asked her something? She struggled to see past the fog that clouded her mind. What had they been talking about? “Do you have a crazy ex?” The question finally snaked its way into her consciousness. Her lips twitched in a stiff smirk. “Something like that..” She used his earlier statement. Then she chuckled, her eyes falling to her hands. “He’d certainly give Audra a run for her money.” She muttered, shaking her head lightly.

[Nathaniel Starke]

He needed to stop making jokes and insinuating things regarding bedroom activities, knowing he wouldn't be able to follow through with them if for some reason Alice wanted that. It was easier to flirt about it than it was to act on it and he knew it could get him into trouble. But seeing her smile and laugh made the risk worth it to him. Maybe he was safe for now since they had both agreed to take things slow.

When he started his point, he had just meant for it to be a playful yet sincere suggestion or observation. Nathaniel hadn't expected to get philosophical or that it would begin to change into advice. Advice that he apparently needed to learn from and take himself too.
He kept his eyes on her as she agreed with him and that her gut had always been right. It only made his own stomach twist in knots as the reality of the truthfulness of his statement set in.
For a moment, he let his eyes fall until she questioned him.

“What do I listen to if my heart is hopeful, my mind is doubtful and my gut is twisting into knots?” Nathaniel lifted his gaze and found himself staring into her eyes with an understanding expression. She had nearly put his own thoughts into words and it brought an uneasy smile to his face. He hesitated with his answer, yet kept his eyes on her. "That twisting feeling is fear…" He thought of his words carefully before continuing. "I think to get our attention… to let us know something important or big is about to happen or change in our lives." He tilted his head and eyes upward, scratching his chin in thought before looking back at her. “The mind wants to convince us that we shouldn’t trust that since it thinks that feeling is a threat… It tries to trick us into thinking or believing what’s easier to deal with…” Where was all of this coming from? He wasn’t entirely sure if what he was saying was right or not, or if he was even making sense at all. He let out a nervous laugh and shook his head. “I’m not sure if any of what I just said makes any sense…Don’t mind me.” He tried to dismiss his own thoughts, maybe not wanting to believe them himself because his stomach twisted in knots whenever he looked at her.

He didn’t know why he felt the need to apologize for Audra’s behavior. Maybe because he hated the way she spoke of him and the way she looked at Alice. It was out of his control, other than the fact that at some point, he had done some sort of wrong to the woman and she would blame him and anyone associated with him. For that, he felt sorry. Nathaniel was a bit surprised as Alice told him to stop apologizing to her. He could sense the conflict in her voice and that perhaps she had either grown tired of hearing apologies, or she didn’t like the way he was apologizing for someone else’s actions. Either way, she was right and he simply nodded. His brow furrowed and he looked at her with that same curiosity and concern. Hadn’t she just told him not to apologize- yet she was apologizing to him for correcting him? He gave her a reassuring smile and shook his head. “There is nothing that needs to be forgiven.”

There was a moment of silence and Alice seemed a bit lost in thought. It brought the faintest frown to his face and he glanced away from her as if nervous that he had maybe gone too far, gotten too personal in asking her if she had a crazy ex. He worried that maybe she was starting to worry that he wasn’t a good man and should be avoided. He only looked at her again when she said her ex would give Audra a run for her money. Alice was only making an assumption, really, because she had only seen a very small surface of what she was like. But he could only assume that she meant he wasn’t pleasant. Nathaniel let his eyes linger on her, that same look of concern washing over him as he watched her, trying to read and see through her. Perhaps Alice was right in assuming that they had a lot in common.
He didn’t realize that he hadn’t responded for a while and that he must have looked foolish just staring at her with that concerned expression. She had been vague and it left his mind open to interpret the worst-- to think back on what he had been through and it made his chest tighten. He clenched his jaw at the thought of someone hurting Alice and that frightened him. Was he already starting to care for her? Or maybe it was just that he did not want anyone else to have to endure what he had to and if he could protect every single person in this world from that, he would. Yes, that’s all it was, he told himself.

He wanted to ask her things. Personal things that he knew might be difficult to answer, but he refrained, knowing that he wouldn’t want to be put on the spot for the same questions he had in mind. The conversation had gotten too deep and depressing- especially for a first date. If that was what this was.

Instead of saying anything, Nathaniel moved closer to her on the couch and took her hand, squeezing it gently. “I feel like I should… And I want to be honest with you.” He turned himself on the couch so that he was somewhat facing her and he leaned towards her, placing a finger under her chin to gently guide her gaze to look at him. His gaze was intense and serious as if what he was about to say was as honest as he could ever be. But he hesitated, unsure if he really should say it. His stomach hurt and he felt a dizzying wave flow through him. He had to close his eyes for the briefest moment as he looked down and away from her, inhaling a long deep breath, trying to steady himself before he looked back at her, his gaze still filled with the same intensity. “I cannot remember the last time I truly trusted anyone...Aside from my own family... I will never ask for your trust because that is something I would hope to be able to earn someday. You have no reason to trust me, as I am just a stranger in your eyes and I understand that wholeheartedly.” He removed his hand from under her chin and took her hand into his own. “What Audra probably made me sound like to you… I hope you could take with a grain of salt. I am not abusive or unfaithful…I am not a bad man… I at least hope I don’t come across as one.” He frowned and shook his head, looking down at their hands. He wasn’t sure where he was going with this anymore. Part of him wanted to take that leap of faith- to listen to his gut and admit that he liked her and has enjoyed the time they had spent together. But even still, he couldn’t get the words out, he couldn’t ignore his own mind when it told him not to get involved, because he knew his mind would always get in his way. He sighed and shook his head again before he looked at her. “I just…” He tried to think of how to vaguely explain to her what his issue was without getting into too much detail. He was being vulnerable with her and it was obvious that he was struggling with it. “... I have a hard time with trust and opening up.  It's...Complicated.” He nodded as if backing up his words. Yes, that would have to do.

“But when I look at you…” No, no... Stop it. He hesitated and let his gaze drop from hers. The words were coming out even though he tried so desperately to suppress them and push them back down. “When I see your smile…” He couldn’t bring himself to look at her, then, and his words were trailing off. Nathaniel closed his eyes and with his free hand, he raised a hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath and forced himself to look back at her, an uneasy smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “May I kiss you again?”

[Alice Calder]

She didn’t like him looking at her with that understanding expression. Or maybe she did. The line seemed blurred. She didn’t have too much time to dwell on it, however, because he was answering her question and if she wasn’t keen on much else, she didn’t mind diving into this conversation. She listened with interest as he spoke, her face softening as her eyes trailed the floor, as if she were truly considering his words. She raised an eyebrow slightly at his final statement, not missing a beat as she spoke up. Perhaps that was her way of showing him that she enjoyed these types of conversations. They could say so much without saying anything at all.

“But what if every single time someone had that feeling in their gut, their mind was right?” She asked him. “What if something bad happened every time they had that feeling, without fail?” She knew what she was doing, but it was like her mouth just wouldn’t stop. “Then one day, they feel that same feeling, but then it changes and everything suddenly feels… right.” She looked away from him. Why couldn’t she just shut the hell up? “And a moment later, they’re terrified again. The same high and low, over and over again. How do you listen to your instincts when even they cannot decide?” She asked him as her eyes finally met his again.

She liked that look even less - that concerned look that made her heart skip a beat. She could only imagine what her face must have looked like as she stared back at him. That expression of his was practically persuading her to tell him everything that weighed on her heart and mind in that moment, but only if it would ease his worry. Truth be told, she didn’t think it would. So, she remained silent, letting her brown eyes look back towards the fire with a soft sigh. It didn’t take long before she was consumed by her thoughts again. Until she suddenly felt his hand squeeze hers, that is.

Her gaze moved slowly from the fire to their hands, her chest immediately constricting. She’d barely heard what he said over the sound of her thundering heart and racing mind. Guiding her face his direction, Alice smiled the best she could as she tried to keep her breath steady. Why did he have to get so close to her again? She was doing so well.. She could build her walls without him near. “You can be honest with me..” She said softly - sincerely - when he hesitated, giving him a curious look when he took a deep breath. When he looked back up at her, she felt her heart leap into her throat.

Her brows furrowed in confusion as he spoke. “I will never ask for your trust because that is something I would hope to be able to earn someday.” Those words caused her to smile slightly. There was no way he could have known, but she’d already shown him much more trust than she’d shown most people. He took her hand again and instinctively, she gave his a gentle squeeze, as if silently saying she felt the same. As he continued, she listened intently frowning at his words and tilting her head. “Nathaniel, I..” She paused, uncertain if she should say what she desperately wanted to say. She feared it might give her away. He seemed to struggle with his own words and Alice felt her heart sink for him. Her free hand reached up to rest against his cheek, as if she were reassuring him.

“But when I look at you…” A silent hope welled up in her gut but he never finished the sentiment. She dropped her hand as he looked away from her, seeming frustrated as he pinched the bridge of his nose with an exasperated sigh. “May I kiss you again?” Her heart fluttered. She removed her hand from his, placing both of her hands on either side of his face, brown eyes staring into his. She remained there for a moment, a smile that was tinged with a hint of sadness creeping its way onto her lips. But, instead of kissing him, she threw her arms around him, pulling him into a hug if he allowed it.

She remained there for a few moments, enjoying his warmth and the comforting gesture. Pulling away, she left her hands on either side of his face, wanting to look him in the eyes as she spoke. “Nathaniel, I do not expect you to earn my trust. I do not wish to place that burden on you. And I certainly don’t expect you to open up to me, or anything like that, if you are not comfortable doing so.” She forced herself to maintain her composure. “I will never pressure you into telling me something you don’t want to.” She shook her head.“What happened between you and Audra.. That is none of my business.” She told him softly. “I do not care how she wants to paint you. I want to find out who you are for myself.” Her expression was serious, showing him a little of the fear she was constantly trying to hide. “I know you are not a bad person. I’ve seen bad people and you… You’re not one of them.” She pursed her lips, wondering just when her mouth would decide to stop. She allowed her hands to move to his chest, her gaze falling to her lap. “The only person who can change my opinion of you, is you. No one else. And my impression of you still stands.” She smirked, trying to lighten the mood, if only a little.

When she looked back up at him, she huffed a laugh, a hand returning to his cheek. She leaned in closer to him, her gaze falling to his lips. “And you may always kiss me. I don’t think I could ever tell you no..” She whispered in a shaky voice before pressing her lips softly against his.

[Nathaniel Starke]

Nathaniel’s brows lowered in thought as he listened to her speak and question him. He was trying to follow along with her words, but he wasn’t entirely sure if he was following them correctly. Alice was seemingly trying to challenge his way of thinking and to prove that sometimes the mind was correct. He wanted to be able to answer her if at least to ease her mind, but he wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t have an answer.

How do you listen to your instincts when even they cannot decide?” He stared into her eyes as if trying to search for something. He got a sense that Alice had been through her own struggles in life. She was being cautious just as he was and he couldn’t even blame her or tell her not to be- Not when he, himself, struggled with the same things. He nodded before letting his gaze fall from hers and down to the floor, allowing silence to linger between them as he thought. “I don’t know…” He quietly admitted before he returned his gaze on her. “Sometimes, when all you’ve known is struggle in your life... and pain and hurt… The mind ends up being stronger than the gut--maybe it even takes over, and there’s that constant battle because the heart is trying to interfere and give you hope… Trying to convince the gut to listen, but the mind won’t allow it.” He forced an uneasy smile, shrugging his shoulders. “I think it takes a lot to control and figure out which is which.” He gave her a reassuring smile before looking away from her again. He was afraid the longer he looked at her, the easier his resolve would break.

“You can be honest with me..” His eyes searched her own as if trying to search for a reason not to be honest. A reason he wouldn’t be able to find and he didn’t understand why she was so easy to speak to when no one else seemed to be. This had probably been the most he spoke with anyone in quite some time. It was becoming harder to look at her as he tried to speak his mind, even though he was trying to hard to fight himself not to.

He felt her hand on his face and it was enough to draw him back to her, to let his eyes fall upon her own as he stared at her, confused by her reassurance. Could she see through him? Did she know how badly he was struggling right now? He was stronger than this, wasn’t he? No- he wanted to be stronger than this and he feared that she would only see his weakness when she looked at him now- that vulnerability that was leaking out of him. But as she said his name, he felt his heart skip a beat and he looked at her with such an intense seriousness, his eyes perhaps giving her a glimpse of hurt and sadness that revolved around him.

Nathaniel wanted to kiss her- to maybe show her how he felt rather than try to tell her with confused and untrusting words that might betray him. His brown eyes searched hers, wondering if she would turn him down, to tell him that she needed to leave- that she did not feel comfortable with him so close to her- that something was wrong with him and to leave her alone for good. She removed her hand from his and he looked at her nervously, as if preparing himself for the rejection. Instead, she placed her hands on his face, gaining his full attention as she stared back into his eyes. He hardly noticed the smile that crept along her lips as he was so intensely focused on her eyes. What he didn’t expect, was for her to throw her arms around him, embracing him. His body stiffened for a moment, frozen in the briefest moment of panic before he realized what was happening. Slowly and instinctively, he wrapped his arms around her and held her. He could smell the scent in her hair and on her, drawing him into her. Her embrace was one of those things he thought he didn’t need until that very moment, and he realized he didn’t want to let go.

When he felt her pulling away, he loosened his arms and reluctantly allowed her to leave his embrace. Her hands returned to his face and he stared back into her eyes, listening as she spoke to him. With each word she said, he found his heart race wildly in his chest despite how relieved he felt at what she was telling him. He could see the seriousness and sincerity in her eyes and for the first time in a while, he didn’t feel pressured or worried that he needed to explain himself and what demons he faced in his life.

“I do not care how she wants to paint you. I want to find out who you are for myself.” Nathaniel smirked, giving her a curious glare. Was she admitting that she wanted to spend more time with him? She wanted to get to know him for herself? “I know you are not a bad person. I’ve seen bad people and you… You’re not one of them.” He breathed a small laugh out his nose, that cocky grin of his slowly formed on his lips and he spoke quietly to her, “well… that’s a relief, then.” He feigned an exaggerated sigh of relief and watched her as she let her hands move from his face to his chest, allowing her gaze to fall away from his as she spoke again. His lips formed a genuine smile as she assured him that her opinion would only be influenced by him and that her impression still remained with what she had told him previously. He let out a quiet laugh and looked back into her eyes when she returned her gaze on him.

This time, when she placed her hand on his cheek, he lifted his own hand and placed it over hers, his fingers curling under her own so he could hold it there against his face. His own eyes shifted down to her lips, watching as she spoke her words in the shaky whisper, drawing him in closer. But before he could act, she was already kissing him. He let go of her hand at his face and placed his own on both sides of her face, holding her there in the kiss that he dared to deepen. He tried to push away the thoughts that often plagued him. He tried to keep his mind in the present, on Alice and the way her lips felt pressed against his, the way her face felt beneath his fingertips, the way her scent drew him in, making him want more.

After a moment, he slowly pulled his lips away from hers, but he remained close, pressing his forehead gently against her own as he caught his breath. He smiled and playfully brushed his lips against hers a couple more times before he whispered against them. “I think I could get used to that...” He quietly admitted. Alice had put the idea in his head that she was interested in spending more time with him, and perhaps this was his way of telling her he felt the same. She had captivated him whether he wanted her to or not. Before Alice would be able to say anything in response, Nathaniel was already kissing her again.

[Alice Calder]

She considered his words again, watching him as he spoke. She let a forced smile touch her lips, eyes falling away from him again. She thought for a moment, really considering her words before she turned her face towards him, eyes still not meeting his until she spoke. “I don’t think you can ever have control of it.” She said simply, the hint of a real smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “So if what you say is true, then perhaps it’s best to listen to whichever is the strongest?” She asked, more or less thinking out loud.

When he searched her eyes, she mustered whatever resolve she could to give him a more reassuring expression. However, her face quickly softened as she studied his face. She knew that look behind his eyes all too well. She never wanted anyone to know that kind of pain, but now here she sat with him, seeing only a glimpse of his sadness. Her chest heaved, heart tightening, making it hard to breathe. While she sometimes forgot - or didn’t care - that other people had their own struggles, their own lives and memories she’d never know about, she wanted to know about him. She wanted to know everything. She wanted to know what caused that glimmer of hurt in his expression. She cared. Even if only to a small degree, even if she didn’t want to admit it to herself.

She was reluctant to release him from her arms, but the longer they remained there, the more afraid she became that he’d hear her heartbeat or the way she breathed slow and shallow breaths as she tried to keep her composure. She felt selfish for allowing herself to hurt when she was beginning to realize that he was struggling too. If it was her, it didn’t matter. But if it was him..

Alice didn’t even allow herself to finish the thought. Thinking such things would only serve to weaken her resolve further and she was already so close to her breaking point that she couldn’t stand it. There was only so much she could handle before it was overwhelming. But she quickly felt at ease when he spoke, that familiar smirk on his lips again. She laughed lightly at his display. Then, a mischievous smirk pulled at the corner of her mouth. “See? I knew my reputation was the one in danger here.” She teased playfully, pretending to be serious.

The feeling of his fingers curling around the hand she placed at his cheek made her feel warm. But as their lips met, his hands cradled her face and she knew right then that, that was perhaps her favorite feeling in the world. She felt as if she could just melt into him every time a hand found her cheek. She poured every ounce of her heart into their kiss, every ounce of her fear, desperate to know that he felt the same reservations and hopefulness that she felt. But he pulled away from her all too soon, resting his forehead against hers. She breathed slowly and deeply, her eyes still closed as she forced her mind to go blank, to just allow herself this one moment to get completely lost in without the inhibitions of fear clawing at the back of her throat and down her spine.

She felt his lips brush against hers and she smiled against the sensation, her fingers curling into the short hair at the nape of his neck while her free hand pressed against his chest. Not enough to push him away, but enough to keep herself steady, enough to tighten her resolve. However, the words he spoke against her lips caused her to involuntarily sigh against his as a smile formed on her face, her eyes looking into his for the briefest of moments before he was kissing her again. The hand at his chest curled around his tie, pulling gently downwards and towards her, as if she could hold him there forever. She kissed him hungrily, breathlessly, but somehow still impossibly softly and deeply. She pulled away, partly to catch her breath, partly to speak. “I suppose I could get pretty used to it myself.” She said in response to his earlier statement, laughing nervously at herself. She placed a final kiss against his lips before she sat straighter, letting her hands fall back into her lap. “May I ask you something?” She asked him, giving him a curious look, her hands fidgeting slightly as she intertwined her fingers.

[Nathaniel Starke]

Nathaniel listened to her as she countered his own thoughts, and he smiled at her as he looked admiringly at her. He honestly loved deep, meaningful conversations such as this. Those that made you think, that challenged you and made you see things in a different light. What was even more pleasant and refreshing was that Alice seemed to get involved in the discussion, proving to him that she was an intelligent woman, not afraid to speak her mind or give her opinion. He decided that he liked that about her, even if she considered it one of her weaknesses and that she didn’t know when to shut her mouth.
He smiled again and nodded at her question. “Perhaps that is the best way to look at it.”

He tried to hide the sadness and struggles that lingered within him as best as he could. He wanted to be known for being a confident, strong, and unwavering man. He wanted to be known for the façade he put on. For whatever strange reason, though, Alice made it difficult to keep his cool, and he honestly had no idea why. Perhaps it was because he got the sense she had been through her own challenges in life. She understood the bad things that happened and the bad people that existed in the world. Yet, here she stood as a strong and confident woman, not afraid to be herself. At least that was the impression he got from her. It was admirable, to say the least.

He laughed as she claimed her reputation was the one in danger, “how do you figure?”

Nathaniel could feel the emotion behind her kiss and it drew him in closer, not wanting to let go. He wanted to take her fears away, to give her that hope she claimed her heart so often sought. And as she so desperately wanted to know, or feel, Nathaniel poured his own emotions into that kiss. The loneliness he felt in his life that he desperately wanted to cure, the fear he felt for daring to feel something for her. The fear he felt in general. The emotion behind their kiss was becoming intense and he needed to pull away, if only to catch his breath and steady himself, using his words to try and lighten or joke about the situation at hand. But instead of responding, Alice was pulling him down into another kiss. He melted into it, keeping his own hands on her face, his fingers weaving into her hair and he leaned into her as if she didn’t need to put in any effort of pulling him down by his tie. He kissed her back with a matched hunger and desire for her until she pulled away from him this time. His breath was deep and somewhat labored and he kept his eyes shut, almost afraid to look at her, to see the expression on her face because he wasn’t sure if it would make him happy of more fearful if her eyes held that same desire he felt within their kiss. Was that even what it was in their kiss? Why did it feel so strong?

He didn’t open his eyes until she was speaking, repeating his own words, which caused him to smile and let out a small breathless laugh out his nose. He kissed her back, almost pulling her back into him for another long kiss, but he let her go, watching as she sat straighter as if nothing had just happened. His brown eyes looked at her curiously. "May I ask you something?” Why did his heart nearly skip a beat in a feeling of panic when she asked that. His brows furrowed and he tried his best to look and sound so nonchalant. “Haven’t we been asking each other things all night?” He smiled and nodded. “What would you like to ask now?”

[Alice Calder]

She could only smile as he agreed with her. With that conversation coming to an end, she could no longer use it as a crutch to avoid talking about the things she wanted to talk about, but didn’t at the same time.

It seemed that she and Nathaniel were alike in that way - just like they were in many ways. Try as she might, Alice found herself struggling more and more to keep herself in check, to keep her emotions and fears hidden; to keep her demons in their cages. It felt like the harder she tried, the more internal resistance she was met with. It was exhausting. Even so, she still didn’t want their night to end. Or maybe the next day’s hours were already upon them. Either way, Alice felt like she could sit here forever, despite the inner turmoil she faced.

“How do you figure?” Alice chuckled lightly before she spoke. “Well, I’ve known you for all of.. Two days and we already ran into your crazy ex.” She pretended to grimace. “That knocked some points off your good reputation.” She joked, poking his chest lightly before laughing.

It was both comforting and terrifying, the things that Nathaniel allowed her to see with their kiss. It was as if his emotions, his thoughts and fears ran parallel with her own. She didn’t want that for him. It made her heart break in two for him, knowing what it was like to feel so alone with nothing but fear and despair as your only company. Despite all of that, Alice couldn’t help but silently commend him for the way he carried himself with such strength and confidence. Had they’d never done more than talk tonight, she might have never known he felt this way - might have never even had the faintest of an idea. But she was glad they did. It made her feel better, as selfish as that was.

As he eyed her curiously, she offered him a half-smile that didn’t touch her eyes. His voice was calm and even as he spoke up. She laughed lightly at his words, nodding her head once in agreement. He questioned what she wanted to know and she pressed her lips into a hard line before she looked back up at him. Her expression was that of worry as she again looked away. She couldn’t look at him if she were going to ask this question. It made her feel too vulnerable. “Does this frighten you as much as it frightens me?” The words came rushing out of her breathlessly, knowing she would lose her nerve if she didn’t speak her curiosity right then

[Nathaniel Starke]

Nathaniel couldn’t help but laugh as she brought up the fact that she had already met his crazy ex and that it knocked points off his good reputation. He smirked and shook his head. “Who said anything about me having a good reputation?” He joked- although he was only half-joking. There had been a moment in time, thanks to Audra, that his reputation had been thrown in the mud and dragged around. It had taken him a while to fix things for himself, which is partially why he had shown no emotion towards Audra- He didn’t want to give her anything else to accuse him of.

He hated the thought that Alice might have been hurt in the past, that she had dealt with hardships. Much like Alice felt heartbroken for him, he felt the same for her, and just wanted to wrap her in his arms and protect her from all the evil in the world- regardless if she wanted him to or not. It was who he was. He had firsthand been the victim of the evil in the world, and if he could make any positive use from it, it would be to protect others from wrongdoings. It was another reason he put everything he had into his position in the army.

Nathaniel watched her curiously as Alice seemed to struggle with the question she wanted to ask him- a look of worry on her face, which only concerned him, especially as she looked away from him. His thoughts began to run away from him as he panicked over the question she would ask. If she managed to gain the courage to ask it.

“Does this frighten you as much as it frightens me?” Nathaniel stared at her as if shocked by her question. Had he been so vulnerable with her that she picked up on his fear and worry? Still, Alice didn’t look at him and he took the moment to breathe and steady himself before he leaned towards her and placed his hand under her chin, gently urging her to look at him. His gaze was soft and he allowed her once again to see that glimmer of vulnerability as he looked back at her. He forced a smile and leaned in closer to her, taking her face into his hands yet again and resting his forehead against hers. He kept his eyes on hers and whispered his answer to her. “I’m terrified...”

He lingered there for a moment as if contemplating kissing her again, but he didn’t. He wanted her to feel his vulnerability at that moment. To be able to trust his words and that he meant them. “What frightens you about this?” He whispered, his lips barely grazing hers as he did. “That your gut is telling you this feels right, but your head is telling you not to allow it to happen?” Because that was certainly how he was feeling. “What can I do to make you unafraid?”

[Alice Calder]

She had to hand it to Nathaniel, he was as clever and witty as she was. He always seemed to have some sort of rebuttal up his sleeve. It was interesting, really, the way he challenged her so easily. There weren’t many people that could keep up with Alice. But then, it wasn’t like she really even tried to have these types of conversations with others anyhow. She shook her head, laughing at him. “I did.” She said matter-of-factly, lifting her chin with a playful smirk. “I’ve yet to hear anything bad about you, so I’m left to assume you have a decent reputation at the very least.” She shrugged. “Bad news travels faster than good news, after all.”

Alice had never liked admitting what she perceived as weaknesses. While she saw fear for anyone else as a rational and valid emotion to feel, she viewed her own fear as weak, incompetent. She had to be strong, be brave. If she wasn’t, she was just like everyone else, and everyone else was useless. She didn’t want to be useless. She didn’t want to feel weak, like a damsel in distress. She had to be more than that. After Darion, she’d become so different. She’d closed everyone out, and no one knew why. She had always been a serious woman, but before Darion, she could at least turn it off to have a good time. She wasn’t full of fear and anger all the time. But sitting here with Nathaniel.. For the first time in a long time, Alice felt like herself, despite her lingering fears.

She immediately wished she hadn’t asked the question. His shocked expression made her gut twist so uncomfortably that it made her want to vomit. She’d closed her eyes, trying to think of something, anything to say to just change the subject, pretend she hadn’t asked. But then his finger was under her chin again. Reluctantly, she opened her eyes to him. Taking a deep breath, she tightened and relaxed her jaw, swallowing against the fear that continued to brew inside her, especially with him looking at her like that. Then he was leaning closer, taking her face in his hands again. One of her hands reached up to curl over his, much like he had done earlier, as she closed her eyes. The faintest hint of a smile formed on her red lips. God, she loved when he held her face in his hands. How is it that it made her feel so.. Safe?

He leaned his forehead against hers, and Alice opened her eyes, meeting his as he whispered those two words. Her hand squeezed his gently. It was all she could do to keep from kissing him again at that moment. His words eased her mind, but only a little. “What frightens you about this?” His lips brushed hers as she resisted the urge to sigh against them, resisted the urge to melt into him. He spoke again and her eyes looked downward as he seemed to see through her. Or maybe it was a lucky guess. She breathed a laugh through her nose. “How did you know?” She asked softly, a small smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. “For once.. My heart and my gut are in agreement.” Another single laugh escaped her, nervousness lingering on the sound.

“What can I do to make you unafraid?” Her eyes met his then, a hint of confusion mixing with the desire she hadn’t been able to shove down throughout most of their night. She was almost saddened that she didn’t have an answer for him. She shook her head. “I’m not sure it’s anything you can help me with..” She said softly, her voice barely above a whisper. “But I suppose stealing a few more kisses couldn’t hurt.” She smiled at him, pulling one of his hands to her lips so she could kiss his palm gently.

[Nathaniel Starke]

He smiled at Alice when she so matter-of-factly stated that she was the one who said he had a good reputation, and at her reasoning, he laughed quietly, his smile never faltering. He wondered if it was just because she had only known him for two days- because no one had really seen them together yet. And he wondered if she would start to hear things about him if they spent more time together, or were seen together. He hoped that most of the rumors had cleared up, but he was sure some still lingered around about him here or there. Rumors that he really didn’t know how to explain or defend himself against.
“I suppose you’re right,” he said simply, smiling at her. He hoped so, at least.

Like Alice, Nathaniel considered his own fears, the things that held him back, his past...All of it- It all made him feel weak and made him hate who he was. How could anyone like or trust, or even love such a damaged man like himself? Yet, if anyone else with similar struggles were to come to him, he would commend them for being strong and brave for still powering through their day and for not giving up. He could never think that for himself though.

Despite the walls he put up high around himself, Alice somehow managed to walk through them and draw him in. He wanted to be this close to her, regardless of how scared it made him. Her scent drew him in, her eyes, and the way she looked at him- it was enough to make him want to become lost in her. What he didn’t understand, was why he felt such a strong connection with her when he had never felt this way with anyone else before. It made him want more-- It made him want to know everything about her and find out why and what made her so special.

Nathaniel breathed a laugh out his nose when she asked him how he knew. He nonchalantly shrugged a shoulder, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips. It may have had something to do with their philosophical conversation from earlier, perhaps. As she explained, Nathaniel smirked a little more and quietly admitted, “that goes for the both of us…”

He knew that she most likely wouldn’t be able to give him an answer for what he could do to help her be less afraid. If she had asked him the same thing, he wouldn’t know what to say. It wouldn’t be anything in Alice’s control, unfortunately. He knew, for him, it would be patience, understanding, and maybe a bit of communication and honesty--something Nathaniel wasn’t so openly able to do a lot of the time, especially when it came to himself. But he could give all those things to Alice and do whatever he could to prove he would never intentionally (or maybe even never unintentionally) hurt her.

When she gave him the answer he half expected, he nodded in understanding and smiled. Still, he would try like hell to do whatever he could to help her. At her suggestion, Nathaniel grinned and watched her as she kissed the palm of his hand. She was adorable and it made his heart skip a beat. He twisted his hand so that he could grasp hers into his and he brought her knuckles to his own lips, holding it there for a moment before he lowered their hands, never letting go of hers. Without speaking, Nathaniel leaned towards her and pressed his lips against hers again in a soft, gentle, yet hungered and passionate kiss.

[Alice Calder]

He supposed she was right? Her lips pulled into a smirk and she looked at him with an almost cheeky expression. “Of course I am.” She said simply, the words slow as they rolled off her tongue. Of all the expressions he could wear to make her heart flutter, she liked his smile best. It was almost enough to put her at ease.

If Alice could read Nathaniel’s mind, she’d be in agreement. Even with Darion, the pull hadn’t been quite so strong - and she’d married the man a mere six months after meeting him. She had been impulsive, perhaps even a little naive. She’d allowed her heart to lead her and over the course of their two year marriage, she’d learned the hard way how to trust her gut and her mind instead. With Nathaniel, however, nothing seemed to make sense. She could barely understand half of what she felt, nevermind the other half. It was both intoxicating and suffocating.

She’d only looked up at him when he spoke. Again, he seemed to confirm that she was not the only one feeling the things she did. Still, the relief it brought was short-lived as everything she felt buried it. She didn’t know what it would take to help her feel less afraid of.. Whatever this was. How much did honesty matter if she didn’t fully trust it? How much did communication matter if she couldn’t fully explain anything she felt or thought? Without the two most important bricks of a solid foundation, why put in the effort to build the rest of the house?

She really did like his smile. It gentled his features, making him look all the more handsome than he already was - if that was even truly possible. He’d taken her hand in his, the feeling of his lips pressing softly against her knuckles sent chills and a feeling of fire in tandem through her body. She squeezed his hand gently, a genuine smile spreading across her full lips. When he’d lowered their hands, leaning in to kiss her again, a soft sound escaped her. The intensity of his kiss reignited her fervor, a deep desire beginning to consume her, making her feel disappointed in herself. How could she dare think such inappropriate things about a man she barely knew? Still, the disappointment didn’t stop her imagination from running wild. It didn’t keep her from losing herself in their kiss.

She felt she’d reached her limit all too soon. A small hand reached out to push against his chest lightly, her lips remaining close to his as her nose brushed his lightly. With her eyes still closed, she allowed herself to breathe, resting her forehead against his before she smiled to herself, tilting her head up to kiss his forehead gently. She gave his hand another squeeze, her gaze looking to the archways that led into the large sitting room. A few of the maids and servants appeared to be turning in, meaning the ball must have been dying down. Brown eyes returned to Nathaniel then and she sighed quietly, giving him a half-smile. “I suppose it is getting late..” She muttered. Truthfully, she was surprised she’d survived the night this long. She could already feel the fatigue beginning to hit her as she thought about the depressingly early morning ahead of her. “Well, Mr. Starke, as much as I’d love to sit here and enjoy your company a bit longer..” She smiled at him before finishing her statement. “It would seem that our night is coming to a close.” It was easy to hide the disappointment she felt, masking it with what appeared to be playful nonchalance.

[Nathaniel Starke]

Nathaniel could feel his resolve slipping away the longer their kiss went on and the deeper it got. He felt he could completely lose himself within her and their kiss and he feared that there would be no turning back from it. Despite his fears and the traumas he faced- he was still a man with desires, his own mind dangerously thinking of things that were inappropriate to be thinking about a woman he had just met. Yet those same thoughts scared him to no end and made him nervous, petrified even. His relationships never made it that far.

He didn’t want to pull away from her, but he did, and he was nearly grateful that Alice had done so. He felt her hand on his chest and despite her light touch, he couldn’t help but feel she was pushing him away. Nathaniel felt a small twinge of disappointment. He kept his forehead against hers, slowly opening his eyes as he worked on catching his breath. He smiled softly, breathing a small huff of a laugh out his nose as she kissed his forehead. Brown eyes followed her gaze then as she looked towards the entrance of the room.

There was the briefest of moments where Nathaniel could almost sense that she was going to suggest they end their night, and he felt his heart drop in disappointment. Almost as if she were reading his mind, she commented on how it was getting late and that their night was coming to a close. He forced a small smile and nodded. “It would seem so,” he said reluctantly, though not wanting to show his disappointment.

He slowly stood up, feeling as if his legs might give out on him for a moment, as they had been sitting there for a while. He stretched slightly before extending his hand to her to help her up and he quietly walked her to the door. He would have asked to walk her back to her room, but he did not want for that to come across as inappropriate or forward, knowing that she resided in the castle and should anyone see him, heading towards her room, that was how rumors spread and he did not wish to tarnish the queen’s lady with such rumors.

Instead, he walked her to the main staircase and paused, turning to face her. “Happy Yule, Alice.” He smiled at her and took his hand in his own again before pressing his lips to her knuckles. “It was a pleasure and I very much enjoyed your company this evening.” He left it at that, not completely thinking about the future and almost expecting that they would see each other again, yet he hadn’t left her with any information to be able to see that through- he wasn’t thinking straight. “Goodnight.” He bowed lightly and let go of her, watching as she ascended the stairs. Once she was out of sight, he turned and made his leave.